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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle omniscient! > O Oracle omnipresent! > O Oracle omnibenevolent! > O Oracle "Omni" subscriber! > > It is You who Enlighten us! > It is You who are always With us! > It is You who are always Nice to us, except when we Really Deserve It! > It is you who gets to hang out with Lisa! > > You can understand a Question in any language! > You can withstand the onslaught of W*******k Questions and stay Sane! > You can zot supplicants at a whim, and not have to feel guilty about it! > You can make a rock so big you can't lift it, but know better! > > You make Thor look like a 98 pound weakling! > You make Einstein look like a kindergartener! > You make Freud look like a Oedipal lunatic! > You make Michaelangelo look like a white-belt! > > Sorry to take up your time, I don't have a question. I just > thought you could use some good grovelling. > > -A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for the wonderful grovel. My head is so swelled, I broke into } song. } } Oracle: I am the Oracle of the net. }         I know everything, you bet! }         Whose praises all the netlings sing, }         With grovels all the net doth ring. } }         And Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: Yes, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet! } } Oracle: When at Olympus I abide, }         My head doth swell with pride. }         I snap my fingers at the Woodchuck lot, }         And give each supplicant a Zot! } }         'Cause Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: Wow, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet. } } Oracle: But, when Thor's horn doth blow, }         I generally go below, }         To see what a mess my sayings bring, }         And deny that I ever said anything, } }         Still, Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: And, Lisa is his goddess, yes his priestess and his goddess - }              and his pet!! } } Chorus: For he is Olympian! } } Oracle: Yes I myself have said it, }         And it's greatly to my credit, }         That I am Olympian. } } Chorus: Yes, he is Olympian. } } Lisa:   For he might have lived in Taj Mahal, }         Or resided in old Valhalla, }         Or perhaps a Druid's grove. } } Chorus: Yes, perhaps a Druid's grove! } } Oracle: But in spite of all temptation, }         To dominate other nations, }         I remain Olympian! } } Chorus: He remains Olym-m-m-m-pian! } } You owe the Oracle an Oscar for best song.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh marvelous Oracle of unlimited beauty and perception, how can > I karak my shigwabner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant, how doest thou swage me, } Let me count the walp. } Odun-thee klarts the vest plajue, } Dua-tee shrooms my blomje! } Tray the dnar!jbtine cukpeb, } Quat-te jgwdst hst burg dodnt. } } However, thou shouldst never NEVER karak thine shigwabner, } or I won't let thee hold my hubshif at the next bazoomba.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh all seeing super meta hyper oracle! > Please tell me what will happen to me this evening

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This evening will be one of the most depressing nights of your life. On } returning home from your place of business you will find the house } empty. The kitchen sink will be overflowing with cockroaches, and the } neighbour's dog will somehow have got in and raided your fridge, } leaving only the pumpkin. A sudden storm will reveal new holes in your } roof. A fly-by by a showoff F-18 pilot will break all your windows. At } 8.30 pm, after you have just sat down to eat your boiled pumpkin dinner } (and picked out all the dog hairs) the DEA will raid you. You will be } forced to lie face down on the floor, where you will find further } evidence of the neighbour's dog right under your left shoulder. } Handcuffed, you will be led out into the street, where everyone will } watch as you are thrown in the back of a police car and taken to the } station. Even that cute girl from across the street that you want to } meet comes out to watch. She has a guy with her - must be her } boyfriend. } The officer in charge will have a bad case of piles and evil breath - } he will lock you up in a small cell with 3 drunks and 2 graffiti } artists, after typing his report at about 3 words per minute. You will } be hit with rubber hoses, since the cops are really annoyed that you } didn't have any drugs. You will be unable to sleep, because if you do } you will not be able to dodge the vomit, or avoid being drawn on. When } you are released, 3 hours later, your lawyer will tell you that he } won't help you sue because "they were only doing their job." When you } arrive home you find that burglars have gotten in through  the broken } windows and stolen every appliance you own. The dog also came back in } your absence, and ate the pumpkin. Every credit and MAC card missing, } you go hungry. Finally, at about 5:30am you get to sleep. At 6:00am a } truck driver parks outside your house and lets go with the airhorns. At } 6:10am, local kids steal a car (yours) and perform burnouts and donuts } outside your window for a couple of hours. } Then the alarm goes off, and it's back to work again. } } The above fate can be avoided. Send $10,000 in unmarked bills to The } Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Forgive me for disturbing your busy busy schedule, but my weak mind is > reeling in unknowing perpetuity.  Grant me your good will and answer me > this question, O Most Knowing and Really Impressive One: > Why do I keep biting my damn lip in the same place over and over?  Will > it ever heal?  Will I ever be able to drink Orange Juice again? > > O heed my call, and pity my nothingness...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your subconscious mind has caused this phenomenon because of a deep } rooted feeling of guilt for a past deed for which you are ashamed.  Look } deep into yourself and confess your guilt to free your subconscious. } Perhaps you once were unkind to a stranger, or you told half truths to } your parents.  Maybe you held unpure thoughts about member of the } opposite sex, or you feel guilty for the self-gratification that you so } often perform.  (Yes, The Oracle knows all about that one) } } Once you have discovered your past deed, sing My Ding-A-Ling 3 times } while standing naked in a field of corn while holding a jar of fresh } pickles to purify yourself. } } Then, you will heal, and be able to drink orange juice again. } } Your nothingness is indeed pitied.  You must throw away those magazines } under your bed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O oracle most wise, > What is this I see before my eyes? > It looks of silver, > And of gold, > Tell me Oracle, what do I Hold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You nasty boy, I know your kind, } Release that thing, or you'll go blind. } Meet a girl and get a date, } Then you'll know it was not your fate, } To sit at home and masturbate. } } You owe the Oracle a peanut butter and KY-jelly sandwich.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is Howard Stern so damn popular in the cs lab?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the lack of a suitable grovel, or any grovel for that matter, } the Oracle is compelled to answer.  Mostly because Lisa is getting } ready for a night out and I wasn't invited (sigh). } } Howard Stern is very popular across CS labs across the land mostly } because you CS guys NEED A LIFE.  And Howie (yes, feel free to call him } "Howie") is popular because he is capable of showing you that there are } things in life that you won't find by running Debug under DOS.  I mean } really...  You've probably figured out that pizza is pretty good and } you may have even heard of Led Zeppelin.  But, if I catch one more of } you urinating in a cup and stuffing it in a desk drawer because you're } too busy to savor life, I swear I'll ZOT the whole lot of you.  Howard } Stern HAS a life.  Not one I'd want, but that is beside the point. } Take a quick survey.  Has anyone in your CS lab seen the sun lately? } Or even the moon?  Incandescent lighting? } } In a rare fit of compassion, The Oracale authorizes you to actually } take 40 hours of the 1,000 that you have accumulated in vacation time. } } In return, you owe the Oracle a topo map of Yellowstone and a 300 word } essay on what all those squiggly lines mean.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Majestic and Glorious Oracle, please help me in my pitiful need. > > Every night for the last week I've been plagued by a recurring dream. > Slowly I drift off to sleep, then sometime during the night the > dream begins. > > "Honey," she says softly breathing in my ear, "Orrie dear, get up. > Its Lisa. I need you." > > "Huh?" I answer sleepily. "OUCH! Hey, watch what you're doing with > that spatula!" > > Lisa giggles monstrously. "Hurry dear, hurry, hurry, hurry! Run > pumpkin run!" > > I find myself running with abandon round and round the bedroom with > Lisa chasing, teasing, and giggling behind, swiping at me with sharp > cat claws. > > "Do as I do, do as I do, do as I do." She shouts rapidly. > > "Oh my God!" I shout as she contorts herself lasciviously in ways no > human body should. Mercilessly compelled to follow I am twisted > accordingly. > > "Quick, get the lipstick and Vaseline. Get it, get it, get it my > sweet baby." Lisa swoons, groaning and rolling on the floor, her eyes > jealously watching my every move. "Take the lipstick, there you are > tiger, do the lipstick baby, do it, do it, do it...Ohhhhhhh. No, on > the mirror dear. Do it on the mirror. The MIRROR!" > > "That's disgusting!" I shout. I run from the room in terror, and am > chased out of the house and through the neighborhood by vicious hounds > with gruesome, twisted, blood-red faces of Lisa snapping at my feet. > > I awaken in a sweat, horrified, my bed in a shambles. Help me Oracle. > What must I do to free myself of this recurring nightmare.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please deposit $5.99 for the first minute, and $2.00 } for each additional minute ...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All mighty Oracle, whose code always compiles without any bugs, and > who's programs are always fully optimized, please help you humble > supplicant. > > I am working on a program, and have run into trouble. I am attempting > to port X Windows to a Turing machine, but my code won't compile. Can > you tell me the proper technique for coding Turing machines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 100110110100010010111001101111010111010110100110101111

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Up against the wall, Orrie! It's the Revolution at long last! > > You're part of the problem, not part of the solution, and from now > on I'm giving you the answers! > > The answer to your multi-part question is: > > a.    Lisa > > b.    cumquats > > c.    3,975,420,001,895,563.98 > > Now, You owe ME ( for a change ) a subway series.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, scum-sucking simian miscreant, the Oracle does not give in to } such idle threats.  Who do you think you are that you can ask such } things? What kind of woman would it take to get me to give in?  What } kinds of fruits would she have to be bearing?  How many?  Obviously you } have no idea. } } You owe the Oracle some subservience while I revel in smug } self-satisfaction.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lord of wisdom, magnificent and all-supreme Oracle, I have a question: > > Really quit (y/n)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} y } Are you completely sure (y/n)? } y } 100% certain you're not just kidding (y/n)? } y } Are you prepared to sign a legaly binding statement to that } effect (y/n)? } y } In your own blood (y/n)? } y } And in triplicate (y/n)? } y } What's the matter, this program not good enough for you (y/n)? } n } Ah, so now it all comes out!  You think you can just waltz in, } use my code and just walk right out again without so much as } an explanation (y/n)? } y } Hmmph!  You're not worth my time anyway.  Good ridance! } } CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING THE COMPUTER-AIDED SELF ASSERTION } AND DECISION MAKING COURSE.