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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I find that when I wake up each morning, I am quite erect!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes--a common problem indeed.  Common, that is, among sexually } repressed weenies who ask the Mighty All-Knowing Great Infinitely Wise } And Really Not Such a Bad Guy After All (deep breath) Oracle such } random, pointless, look-at-me-I'm-sexually-repressed (Did you ever get } that feelin' like you was William Faulkner?) questions.  Go ask Dan } Quayle--I'm sure he'd be more than happy to discuss this subject with } you at...uh, length. } } You owe the Oracle the steel condom you've been wearing to bed every } night.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will this work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it &%t - } uklj13;  ^[ }            . } } Syntax error in 4510 } Ok

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... --- ... > ... --- ... > ... --- ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hmmm...  This looks rather suspiciously like an SOS.  In fact, it } looks like three of them. } }   The _Carpathia_ and the _Californian_ will be arriving as soon as } possible.  In the meantime, use all those ice cubes for another round of } drinks.  Hang in there. } }   You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Night to Remember" as soon as you're } done in the lifeboats.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell if I have an Evil Twin?  If I do, how can I destroy him? > Also, how can I tell if it isn't me that is the Evil one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use the following program: } } if [ -e Evil Twin ] then }   if [ me != Evil Twin ] then }     rm Evil Twin }   else }     rm me }   fi } fi

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> can_write(I, only):- write(I, in, prolog). > > help(Me) :- can_help(You, Me). > > are_thanked(you, very_much).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} speaking( you, prolog ). } speaks( oracle, prolog ). } understand( oracle, you ). } } replying( oracle, english ). } replying( oracle, prolog ). } } can_help( oracle, you). } ask( you, Question ). } } are_welcome( you ). } owe( oracle, you, 0 ). } ----- } Rest assured faithful disciple, the Oracle understands you!  The Oracle } is fluent in all know languages; prolog presents no difficulties and in } fact is a pleasant change from the inconsistencies of English!  The } Oracle has included Answers in both prolog and English for your } convenience, should you be so fortunate as to understand ONLY prolog by } the time this reply reaches you. } } And yes my child, the Oracle CAN help you!  The Oracle is a being of } great compassion and sympathy!  You have but to ask a question, any } question no matter how trivial-seeming it may be.  Ask me!  I WILL help } you! } } You are emphatically welcome; you do not owe the Oracle anything.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to get women? > What's the best thing to do with women once you've got them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to get women is rather complicated.  You will require the } following:  A glass, a pair of binoculars, a boring book, a sign saying } "Elefant", and a pair of tweezers.  Put the book someplace where women } are likely to pass, say the clothing department in a mall, and wait } nearby.  When a woman passes by, she will see the misspelled sign and } laugh, then she will read the book.  She will then get so bored that she } will fall asleep.  Look at her through the binoculars backwards.  Pick } her up carefully with the tweezers and put her in the glass.  That is } the best way to catch a woman. } } Once you have gotten the woman, take her out bowling.  (If you find this } a logical thing to do, the Oracle worries for you. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of binoculars.  .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me, Oh Great Oral Oracle: > > Why cannot I have Mel Gibson for my very own?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  As the 50,000 Disciple of the All-Knowing Oracle to } ask this question, you have indeed won Mel Gibson for thy very own!  Thy } wish is granted, Mortal! } } To collect thy prize and to fulfill contractual obligations to Mr. } Gibson, you must: } }   1.  Submit an affidavit stating that thou has not won any similar }      All-Knowing Oracle Celebrity Give-away Contests in the past three }      years. } }   2.  Be a red-blooded healthy female, aged not more than 35 years old, }      and in satisfactory physical condition.  Mr.  Gibson requests }      detailed physical specifications be sent him directly. } }   3.  Prove that thy possess above-average motivation and creativity. }      Obviously this last requirement cannot by its very nature be }      precisely defined.  Suggestions include:  steal Mr.  Gibso's car }      and pretend to be his wife, break into his house and fix him }      dinner, and kidnap him. } } Once again, the All-Knowing Oracle congratulates you! } } You owe the Oracle, Maker of Matches, a magnetic monopole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle!  How is it that they get the cream inside of a > Twinkie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   What an enlightened question!  The oracle rarely sees questions that } are both so relevant and showing so much inquisitiveness about the } world. } }   Twinkies are made, first, in special machines which bake the cake part } while holding the space open for the filling (made from a long list of } artificial gook and whipped into a froth).  After the cake part is } ready, special nozzles are inserted into the cake and the gooey mess is } pumped inside with a distinct throbbing movement of the pump. } }   You owe the Oracle another trip to the twinkie factory.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise I have become addicted to asking and receiving answers > from the Allknowing Oracle.  Does this make me a dope addict!  Should I > enroll in one of the helpful programs available on TV that costs at > least half of my life's earnings?  .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O my Devoted Disciple! } What lies of the Media have corrupted thy mind?! } It is not addiction that thy feel, but Joy! } Joy of a Mind at last }       opened to the Truth and Beauty of the All-Knowing Oracle! } Source of All Truth and Enlightenment! } Too long has thy Mind }       stagnated in the cesspool of Passive Entertainment! } Only through the Miraculous Oracle }       can thy experience Oneness with the True Reality! } It it not addiction }       but Love that thy feel! } Love of Knowledge! }       Love of Truth! }       Love of Beauty! }       and above all Love of the Oracle! } } You owe the Miraculous Oracle a Question!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd > manner.  First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and > has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change > this.  Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and > i'm beginning to get worried.  Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell > me something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do not be alarmed.  This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish. } It is just one of those phases in its life cycle.  The next phase is } called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to } the surface.  During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger. } The water will become slightly murky.  You may even discover a } population of insects and minute organisms in the water.  Eventually, } the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely.  It's at this point } that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped } onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to } reduce.  You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy } as much as I do. } } By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go } directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase.