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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose car always starts, > My second car won't, and the battery is dead. > Piles and piles of white, powdery stuff have appeared around the > terminals. > What is that stuff, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Battery fuzz. } } (Yes, I know you wanted some sort of technobabble answer, like air } sulphate, or plumbic nitride.  It's battery fuzz.  Trust me.  And get } a new battery and new cables.) } } You owe the Oracle a racehorse that always starts.  The last two I put } my money on got scratched, a pretty poor record for someone who's } omniscient!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Sorry for the lack of grovel, but I'm really quite confused. > > I'm a white male.  How come I'm always considered the bad guy?  I > didn't do anything wrong, yet everywhere I go I'm considered to be an > evil sexist, racist bastard.  What did I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the first bad move was to join the Association for Handicapped } Gay Black Feminist Jews. } } You owe the Oracle a Kinzler, gender nation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: >  Oh mightiest of the wise, and wisest of the virtual, please >  share your enlightenment with this humble supplicant - > >       How soon will the Internet replace the telephone system? >       What will eventually replace the Internet?  When will that >       occur?  Should I do anything special to get ready for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The telephone system will be declared obsolete by next Tuesday and put } out of service during the following week, forcing everyone to get a } workstation and shell out money galore for internet access. A few } months later, while people are still trying to find out how to make } collect calls and find the Cleveland part of the on-line internet } directory, AT&T and Bell join forces and introduce the new Digital } Pan-Chromatic Virtual Ambience Cyber-Relay But Unfortunately Totally } Omni-Incompatible Communications System. A bad move. The public rises } as one man to protest. Riots abound all over the nation, during which } several phone companiy executives get old telephone directories shoved } down their throats and are flogged to death with coaxial cable. A } severe crisis ensues during which telecommunication is outlawed. So to } be prepared for the future in communications, get a pile of firewood } and a blanket. } } You owe the Oracle Cindy Crawford's internet address.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE CHILDREN..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a curious question! I wish I knew the motive or catalyst behind } this inquiry.  I must assume that either a) you already have children } and they are driving you nuts, or b) either your parents or spouse are } pressuring you to procreate.  Well, to answer these little basic life } questions I like to refer My supplicants to the Bible According To God. } Most of you supplicants have your own Bible--this version tells us what } REALLY happened during those first six crazy days of creation. } }  "And God said, 'Yea, let these funny little bipeds that I have } created for My own amusement possess an incurable and insatiable sex } drive, that will force them to couple and thus procreate.  And thus } they shall have many children, and so populate the earth.  But because } I have created them with free will, some will not desire children. } They will then create many forms of contraception, which some of My } followers will denounce, thinking I condemn them for it.  But for those } who desire children, they shall have them--and when their children are } growing, they shall go through what psychologist will call "difficult } times", during which they shall drive their parental units bonkers. And } I shall laugh with amusement, for this pattern shall repeat itself } througout the ages, with each generation. }  "And God added,  'Then, too, shall the parents of the grown } children again desire to care for young children again, and so, being } past the time for making children, they shall nag their children to } again procreate.  And this pattern shall also repeat itself througout } the ages. And again I shall laugh.  For these humans are a constant } source of amusement.'" } } You owe the Oracle a leatherbound copy of Dr. Spock's Guide to Baby } Care.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A few months ago, an issue of the Oracularities Digest came out in > which I had a hand in every one of the ten items, either as the > Querent or as the Incarnation; scores from 3.7 to 4.8. > Word got out, and things began to happen. > > The babe in the apartment across the hall invited me in. > > My boss gave me a promotion. > > Katie Courick interviewed me on the Today show > and made a pass at me. > > That issue of the Digest was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. > > Bubba Clinton called and asked me for advice about Bosnia. > > Madonna called and asked me out. > > Ross Perot gave me half his money. > > Then I awoke and found it was only a dream. > > O Oracle, whose everyday reality is immeasurably better than my > wildest dreams, > > How can I make my dreams come true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       O unworthy mortal, whose wildest dreams are immeasurably inferior } to My everyday reality, let me tell you. }       Since you ask, Madonna is already dating the Oracle itself. She } said she thought my C shell was cute. }       One of my great lowly carbon-based minions saw Ross Perot } coming out of the babe across the hall's apartment. }       Your boss went broke the other day in Vegas. He should have known } not to trust a machine he didn't know. }       This first-time bodily incarnation of the Oracle through whom I } speak just recieved a call from Bubba Clinton. He wanted to know what } kind of cat food to feed Socks, how to get in good with Boris, and why } Chelsea was refusing to eat anything exceept Kraft Dinosaurs 'N Cheese. } I, the almighty Oracle solved his problems by telling him to feed the } cat food to Boris, the Shells 'N cheese to the cat, and nothing to } Chelsea. } }       The answer to your question, O inferior suppliant whose memory } barely amounts to a few hundred K on a good day and whose hardware is } no more than release 1.0, is as follows: Since you can never be Me, and } I am So Cool that No Inferior Being who runs on Something Less } Efficient than Electricity and has to Sleep Sometimes to Retain its } Sanity, you have no recourse but to fall back to your earthly desires } and your Earthly faith. The answer to all your dreams lies in another } religion than worship of Me. Indeed, the answer to all your prayers to } a false god is waiting for you in a municipal Church: it is on the 59 } cent menu at your local church of Taco Bell. The all-knowing Oracle is } aware of the fact that Katie Courick has a thing for guys who eat } Chilitos, and Madonna has an insatiable craving for spray-can } guacamole. Why do you think there are always such underdressed, } attractive women on the commercials? They're all obsessed with Pintos } "N Cheese. }       Go and pray at the altar of the BigBeef, mortal, and beg } forgiveness for your impiety. And while you're at it, bring me back } something. }       You owe the Oracle two soft taco supremes, a large Dr. Pepper } (Just what the All-Knowing Ordered), an order of cinnamon crisps and a } Mexican Pizza with extra Pico Sauce.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here, have part of this gigantic fish the dragon just brought me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I'm so sorry, but I can't right now; I'm stuffed. } } You see, one of my Supplicants just asked me which came first, the } chicken or the egg, and since that particular bit of information } had been beneath my notice until I received the question, I had to } do some research. } } So, I went over to God's Diner } ( located at 1 Parnassus Road, Mount Olympus ), } and ordered a fried egg and roast chicken. } } "What, no Manna today? And don't forget we have a special on bread } and fish?" asked the waiter. } } I had to admonish him, "Jeez, this is a business trip; I'm not here } for pleasure. Just bring my order and be done with it." } } Then I sat at my table for what seemed like an interminable } length of time, listening to the clang of pottery in the kitchen. } } Finally, the party at the next table spilled their water pitcher, } and sure enough, here came my waiter, walking on water as usual. } } With a flourish, he laid my plate before me, and there were the } chicken and the egg, at the same time. } } You owe the Oracle some bicarb.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi.  This is the Oracle.  I'm taking Friday off, but I noticed that you > are going to send in a question then. I thought I'd answer it now to > save both you and me some time. > > Yes, German "zip codes" *are* changing from 4 to 5 digits as of July > 1st. As a result, any mail sent from the United States to Germany will > be delivered directly to the appropriate American address.  For > example, mail improperly addressed to "am Hohlacker" Street in > Frankfurt, Germany (zip 60435) will then be correctly delivered to > Plainfield Rd., in Joliet, IL. (also zip 60435).   Residents of "am > Hohlacker" Street will be required to collect their overseas mail > directly from the Postmaster in Joliet. > > As you can see, this will vastly improve delivery time for mail to > central Europe.  And most EEC countries are considering adopting a > similar scheme in their country, all for the convenience of the > American postal service, except for England.  England adopted a "postal > code" standard similar to Canada's to allow for exactly the same kind > of accelerated delivery.  Oh well. > > This hopefully demonstrates that Europeans are just itching to help out > the American consumer, whereever and whenever possible. > > You owe the Oracle a Fodor's Guide to Europe (1989 edition, please), > a good pair of walking shoes, and a German-English phrase book.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buon Giorno. } } This is the Mafia. We would like to know where all the money went } that Johnny "one eye" Capuccino sent us last week. Unfortunately } he is no longer in any state to assist with the search after our } expert team had questioned him five hours about the whereabouts of } the $3.50 he had taken from the White House's petty cash. } We can assure you that we have some friends that can get verrry } angrrry about this matter... } The address on the parcel was "Am Hohlacker Street", 60435 Joliet/IL. } } You owe the questionner an explanation for a series of terrorist } attacks on European Post Agencies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, etc., etc., tell me: > > How many times will it take for Buffalo to win the Super Bowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Wellsir, I'm glad you asked that question... Being as how buffalo } have yet to walk erect or grow opposable thumbs, I'd estimate a } couple thousand years yet. } } You owe the Oracle a beer and two double cheeseburgers with mayo.>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I read in the Oracularities that > "the Oracle is multilingual". > > Does this mean you can do two lollipops at once?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oui, c'est vrai. } } Ja, das ist die Wahrheit. } } Ja, det aer rollig rigtig. } } Si, e vero. } } You owe the Oracle -four- (er, make that --five--) lollipops.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right.  We're sitting in here, three or four guys playing > obligatory-sex games, and suddenly this angel walks in, like, y'know, > a cherub with wings and all, and I was about five inches deep in the > lion, y'know?  So I kind of freeked and ran home.  What should I have > done under those circumstanceS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Proper etiquette under the circumstances you describe depend a great } deal on the status and affiliation of the angel appearing to you.  In } any case, you were, I regret to say, guilty of a bad breach of manners } in leaving as you did. } } For encounters with Christian angels the correct response would be to } cease your activities, stand up, bow, introduce your friends (who } should also bow) and then inquire politely as to what the angel would } like.  "How may I help you?" is quite appropriate. } } Your description of a "cherub with wings and all" indicates some } confusion on your part as to the nature of your visitor.  You may have } been approached by a member of the Judaic Cherubim, who represent a } somewhat more formal regime.  In that case you should cease your } activities, grovel on the floor to the best of your ability, and plead } with the angel not to smite you with a terrible swift sword.  (Cherubim } are somewhat short tempered.) } } Although it's somewhat rare these days, you may be visited by one of } the Assyrian or Chaldean angels.  In which case you may continue your } activities and the angel will simply select one of your number to be } sacrificed to Baal, Marduk, Moloch, or another of the High Gods. } } You owe the Oracle a burnt offering.  (No, NOT last night's dinner!)