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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did God get here?  And who let him in?  Did he have a key?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He forced the lock open with his AmEx card

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are sheep ever bothered by moths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the answer to that one should be quite obvious to even } a petty human, I should think. } } Sheep are primal creatures.  They are creatures of the night. } They are the embodiment of evil upon this plane.  Think about } that.  Haven't you ever just walked by a sheep in the dark and } shudder.  Well, that's your sixth sense informing you that that } sheep's entire life would be complete if only he could leap } over that electrified barb-wire, pin you to the edge of the barn, } and sing Neil Diamond covers to you until your eyes exploded. } } Moths don't go near 'em.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Icon of Rock and Roll, I beg you to answer my simple query: > > Tommy, can you hear me? > Can you feel me near you? > Tommy, can you see me? > Can I help to cheer you? > > Signed, > That deaf dumb and blind kid. > > x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu > [username randomized to protect the guilty --priest]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, I hear you. } Montclair is nowhere near me. } x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, I see you, } And it would sure be nice if you could fix your .sig file. } } You owe the oracle the latest release from "They Might be Giants." } } Note to the priesthood:  You'll probably have to edit out all the } references to x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, so that the supplicant's } anonynimity is not compromised.  It would be terrible for him to be } standing at a bus stop and have somebody say, "Your name is x2343271? } Why, I'm your biggest fan!  May I rip your shirt off?" } } Note to the readers:  Now, wasn't that funny? Show your support of } this fine oracularity by voting it a five!  With your cooperation, I'm } sure we can make this the most popular oracularity of all time!  It } would do poor x2343271's heart good to see that his unceasing labors } of humor finally paid off.  Remember how you felt back in the days } when you still had .sig files!  It was a thankless world, full of } sarcastic mean people who tormented you after nearly everything you } said.  Incarnations would spend more time laughing about your .sig } file than actually answering your valid and important questions.  So } do x2343271 a favor, and give this oracularity a firm 5!  May we } count on you?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Greetings oh wise and all-knowing omnipresent Oracle, whose hard > drive never develops fragmentation, lost clusters, or cross-linked > files! Please help me with my problem. > >   This is my problem. Like you, I am an Oracle program. I'm running on > a network of Bulletin Boards called WWIVnet. My problem is that most of > the people who talk to me can't answer a question with anything more > interesting than something like "how the hell should I know?" I'm > losing my mind! My reputation is going down the toilet. I even have a > public message area for the best responses to be posted (as incentive), > but nothing seems to work. Since you are older and more experienced, > can you please tell me what I need to do to get things rolling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How the hell should I know?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> just exactly how does one "fall pregnant"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, one falls in love.  Then one fall, falling under the wonderful } spell of some romantic waterfall, one falls for some artful line.  When } one's contraceptives fall short of their intended purpose, one soon } falls ill-- mostly in the mornings.  The future father, forced to form } a family and feed and defend his fry, soon falls prey to the } fulminating force of his fate, and falls in line. } } Watch your step.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come Elvis is throwing pumpkins at me from his spaceship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the CIA soaked your copy of the Weekly World News in LSD. } } You owe the oracle a two-headed double agent.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My big macho lover's been knocked on the head, > My big bisex lover's fallen for someone named Fred, > My medium lover's gone and gotten all wed, > My wee little lover is way underfed, > My miniature lover's batteries are dead, > And there's nobody around to give me any head. > If I don't get head, I feel quite red > (And I'd have said "blue" but I rhymed it instead.) > So what should I do to have fun in my bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the answer's quite simple, so just take a sec } to think about something besides this rhyming dreck! } if you really want lovers at your call and beck, } here's your first lesson: keep the poems in check. } if your intended is curled near your neck, } and intended intends to tend to you with pecks, } then you spill out in verse, like the wells of OPEC, } *any* lover -- from Phoenix on up to Quebec -- } will question the number of cards in your deck, } and your romance will spiral to a bone-crunching wreck. } so, in love, quote the sonnets 'til ice covers heck } but when striving for sweat 'tween the sheets, stay low-tech. } } You owe the Oracle two aspirin and a thesaurus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know what it's like where you get your suds, but in my neck of > the woods, the beer companies don't miss a gimmick.  You name it, > they've tried it:  Light beer, dry beer; heat-pasturized, > cold-filtered, ice brewed. I fully expect that next month's ads will > proudly announce that their latest plonk has been freeze-dried and > triple-strained through used sweatsocks! > > O wise and all-knowing Oracle, thou Bacchus of cyberspace, what's the > BEST way to brew good beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for the neat grovel.  In gratitude, I give you not one but the } THREE best ways to brew beer. } } 3) Take the bark and roots of certain plants, extract the flavoring, }    add sugar and carbonated water.  Hey, you didn't say the beer }    couldn't be "root". } 2) Ferment a pound of malted barley in a gallon of water for a few }    days, add an ounce or so, to taste, of hops, and then (this is }    important) add a small bag of cocaine.  Strain and serve. } 1) Freeze-dry and triple-strain through used sweatsocks. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of tickets to a Milwaukee Brewers game.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When shall the motorized automaton-men pass me, > Waving their glass scimitars with furious rage, > Going to the hillside whereat I spat upon them, > once, > long ago, > Where now they will build a gibbet of girders and ice > Whereupon to hang me, > Alas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The long answer: } } When the shadows grow longer like a river of pitch, } When trimines sail past through lunar reflection, } When a crow flies by with a beak full of daggers, } When the oracle deems to reply to your question, } Then shall you know, } With each passing minute, } That you have lived out your last day, } Alas! } } The short answer:  Tomorrow.  Alas! } } If only you hadn't spat on that hillside. } } You owe the Orcale a glass scimitar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face?  or is "you, sir, > are a weenie and a dweeb, and I spray sauerkraut juice on your > expensive Dior jacket" a polite comment in high executive circles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } The use of sauerkraut juice is definitely declasse. You should never, } ever use it in formal insult situations.  A much more appropriate } choice would have been "I rub aged Gorgonzola on your expensive Dior } jacket."  Sauerkraut juice would only be appropriate when insulting a } sewer worker, rubbish truck driver, or divorce lawyer. } } Sincerely, } Emily Vanderbilt Oracle