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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish I had a scroll.  How could I get one, Senator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The ghost of the Senator points at the refrigerator and vanishes! } > open refrigerator } You stagger from the stench... } There is an open refrigerator here.  Small green things are scurrying } from the crisper and running for freedom. } There is a scroll in the refrigerator. } A small green thing chews on your liver. } > get scroll } Taken. } A small green thing chews on your liver. } > south } You are in the hallway of a house devastated by atomic warfare. } There is a child-sized skeleton here. } A small green thing chews on your liver. } > south } You are in the foyer of a house devastated by atomic warfare. } There is the mutilated corpse of a young woman here. } A small green thing chews on your liver.  You are very weak. } > south } You are outside a house devastated by atomic warfare.  You can see the } charred stump of the Washington Monument to the south.  To the east is } a jumble of the dead and dying.  To the west is a six-legged } eighteen-toed killer sloth. } A small green thing chews on your liver.  You are very weak. } > read scroll } The scroll reads: } } Amendment 34: Wheras the voting process is a time consuming and } inefficient means to determine which candidate has greater exposure; } BE IT RESOLVED: elected officials shall be selected based on the total } cash sum of money expended on their campaigns. } } Amendment 35: Wheras the provisions of Civil Rights legislation do not } accurately reflect the natural division among the races; BE IT } RESOLVED: the franchise will be limited to landowning white males over } the age of 35. } } Amendment 36: Wheras crime threatens every American, and wheras the } law enforcement officers of America are artificially hampered by } various "allowable evidence" statutes; BE IT RESOLVED: all evidence } will be admissible in a court of law. } } Amendment 37: Wheras abortion is murder; BE IT RESOLVED: abortion is } forbidden. } } Amendment 38: Wheras-- } } The small green thing has entirely consumed your liver.  You cannot } continue reading. } }                     * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * * } } Your score is 85 out of a possible 100. } } <iuvax> 2485724 ~% mail gaia@biosphere.earth.org } Subject: New high score! }       Well, I got 85-- a personal best for me, at least!  What a } game!  I really should get some sleep now... but maybe I'll try one } more time.                :-)                            -Orrie } ^D } <iuvax> 2485725 ~% !h } helms_in_1996 } } You are in your cube at work. } Suddenly, there is a blinding flash! } > kiss ass goodbye

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a god, and if so, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, of course there is a god.  There are several, actually.  I hired } them myself.  You see, being All-Powerful, All-Knowing, etc, etc, } *is* a great gig.. don't get me wrong.  But there are so many of you } mortals out there who seek my guidance that, although I act } effortlessly, unconsciously, and instantaneously, I still don't get } all the free time I'd like for my hobbies.  So I hired these gods. } I handle the fun stuff--enlightening lowly supplicants like you, and } occasionally performing the odd miracle.  They take care of the } drudgeries.. running the seasons, cleaning the place, doing errands } and handling requests and complaints.  Great job if you can get it, } actually.  Benefits include immortality, free room and board in one of } several paradise-like locales, great power, and every seventh day off. } } Don't bother to apply.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Benevolent and Charitable Oracle, please tell your humble > servant: how can I, being but one person, make a difference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Well, it depends what you mean by difference.  If you mean a } difference _engine_, then Charles Babbage can help you.  On the other } hand, if you are looking to just make a general difference to the } _world_, then then there are many possibilities. } } The easiest is simply to destroy the world.  To do this, all you have } to do is re-awaken cthulhu.  Go and find a woodchuck by the name of } "Woody"--you will know him by his dark glasses and fur--and he will } give you the last surviving copy of the Necromanium. } } If you don't like this idea, how about simply blowing up Cleveland? } This will make you an instant folk hero.  All you have to do is break } into the armys computers and launch an ICBM.  Try telneting to } bombyou.mil, log in guest, password guest. } } Failing all these, why not simply go out and indulge in large amounts } of wine, women and song, and make a lot of vinters, birth-control } vendors and cooks very happy?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this strange compulsion to call the oracle "Senator."  Can you > tell me why, Senator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} COUNCIL           : Move to have the question struck from the record. } SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Sustained. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Mr. Chairman, I believe the American people have a }                     right to know who or what this entity is that has }                     replaced the late Senator Lugar. } SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Senator Mugspleen, please rephrase the question. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Are you or are you not the Usenet Oracle, Senator? } SENATOR LUGAR     : You didn't grovel.  Zot!  Heh heh.  No, but }                     seriously, I am not the Usenet Oracle.  Nope, nope, }                     nope.  Just a li'l ol' Hoosier who done good. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Then how do you explain the fact that a head }                     appearing to be that of Senator Lugar was found in }                     Sock's water bowl this morning? } SENATOR LUGAR     : On the advice of my council, I-- } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Never mind, Senator. } SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Are we quite through, gentlemen?  Senator Lugar has }                     Senate Foreign Relations committee meeting to }                     chair. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : I have no further questions. }                               . . . } } "All right, kids, let's talk Germany and Japan.  As I see it, we're } looking at nerve gas or neutron bombs.  Anybody have a preference?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I have a little problem which maybe you could help me > with.  A 5' 3/4" problem, to be specific.  She is an insatiable > sex-tiger with an incredible great body, soft and warm and with > megaheaps of sexual energy. We've spent the last hour in bed together, > making fantastic love, in three different positions.  She must have > come a dozen times before I did.  I've got a problem though.  I can't > repeat this performance more than five or six times a day, tops, but > she's so insatiable that she'll want it at least twelve times.  What > should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Send her to me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Strange and Mighty, or Mighty Strange, > >       Did Jessie Helms really ask a Clinton appointee whether she > belonged to the "Monnet" Society, meaning to refer to the painter > Claude Monet?  If so, has he simply killed off the majority of his > brian cells with subsidized tobacco or what? > >                                       Signed, Art Lover

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, Helms meant "monied society": he wanted to know if she was } rich. Conservative populists like Helms like bashing well-to-do } liberals; they can tell their poorish constituents that the top } liberals are all rich elitist snobs who don't understand the Average } Working American. } } Brian cells like subsidized tobacco.  It's Fred cells that are likely } to be killed by it. } } You owe the Oracle a culture of Jim cells and a carton of Camels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PROTOCOL: Duquesne strides in, a manful expression on his/her face, and > a tin hat on his/her head.  He/she flings a heap of sticks down in > front of your feet, and falls to the ground sobbing. > > QUESTION: Why are these trees red? > > CODA: Duquesne thrashes about on the floor, sobbing tears which etch > the marble, waiting for your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PREAMBLE: The Oracle, not amused, flicks his finger causing a mighty } ZOT to melt Duquesne into a puddle. } } ANSWER: Because I ran out of green and brown. } } PAYMENT: You owe the Oracle a can of green paint.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most all knowing, who knows where all my socks are, > and my lost watch, and my dog, and mom, I eagerly beseech > your wisdom and cunning grasp of the patently obvious! > > I am considering the following letter to my coworker. > What do you think? What should I do? > > Happy: > > All you ever do is work work work.  You're no fun at all. > And you whistle. > All you ever do when you work work work is whistle whistle whistle. > Whistle work whistle work whistle work work! > Work and whistle, whistle and work! > Whistle whistle whistle! > Whistle whistle work work > Work work whistle whistle > whistle work whistle work whistle whistle work! > > It's enough to make me bonkers. > > And you'd like that, wouldn't you? > >            Grumpy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is all very ironic... } Around the same time I received your message, I also received a } simmilar message from Happy who was also considering sending you a } letter... } }  Dear Grumpy, } } All you do is bitch bitch bitch. You are a major piss-off. } And you smell. } Bitch bitch bitch bitch whine whine whine! } That's all you f#cking do! } I tell you something, you try being me... }  Do you think I like acting like Shirley Temple on Crack? }  No F#CKING way!!!!  I picked the short straw, and got the 'Happy' part! } To tell you the truth, it's driving me F#cking nuts!!! } The only pleasure I get is pissing you off!!! } Tell you what, Now I'm not going to only whistle when I work, }   IM BRINGING A F#CKING ACCORDIAN!!! } HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU SOUR, RAGGED ASS PEE-ON!! } And tell you what else, You say one f#cking word, ONE F#CKING } WORD!!!... and I'll cut your shriveled Grumpy nuts off with my Pick ax!! } }  That'll give you something really to complain about!!! } }  Biding my time until that day, } }  Happy. } } Grumpy, If I were you, I'd consider spending some time hiding out in } the forest. } } You owe the oracle a leg of mutton and some JD to wash it down.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, mighty, powerfull, abundant, glorious, etc. Oracle! Please > answer me this question: > > Why do lemmings jump off cliffs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you write to the Oracle? } } You owe the Oracle a lemming coat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Alberta de Rossolini?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A major 18th century Italian pasta manufacturer, who went by the name } of 'Alberta', developed a new type of pasta. Considering macaroni, } tortellini, and all the other established shapes to be 'far too } boring', Alberta developed a totally new concept in pasta - Rossolini. } } Rossolini were large tubes of pasta with one end open, filled with a } mixture of cabbage, bananas and sparrow intestines, or 'rossol' in } Italian. The addition of the ubiquitous 'ini' suffix produced the } new taste sensation, 'rossolini'. The sales were slow at first, but } then picked up as Italian high society discovered the product. After } a few months, however, Alberta fell into the mixing vats and was } ground up and inadvertedly inserted into her own pasta tubes as part } of the rossol. } } So, Alberta was soon dubbed 'Alberta di Rossolini', or 'Alberta, you } know, the one who became as of rossol'. Over the years, 'di' has } been corrupted to 'de', but the story remains the same. } } So, Alberta de Rossolini is a term which can be applied to any } entrepreneur who literally throws themself into the development of } their product. } } You owe the Oracle a biographical dictionary.