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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Simon Wagstaff, what was his Primal Question, and why did he love > Chworktap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Simon Wagstaff was the originator of the counterculture known } collectively as the "nerds".  His brilliance was incredible, but his } usefulness was little.  He pioneered the now well-known nerd symbols of } the too long belt, the pocket protector, the really ugly glasses, and } the terminal hunch (from bending over in front of a computer terminal -- } in his case, a card puncher). } }   His primal question is the same one that is still asked today by } computer geeks everywhere -- "Why did it crash?!?  I FIXED that line!!" } }   Chworktop!  That's a sad story.  Simon, after a long time of puncging } cards into FORTRAN programs, finally got the use of his first CRT } terminal, a Chworktop CRTstation (it was a gift from the company that } made the punch cards because he was their biggest customer); and } proceeded to spend a week in front of it, eating nothing but Coca-Cola } and the occasioonal Pizza slice; when it blew a fuse.  Some say that he } saw something on the screen before the fuse went; but the concensus is } that the overload of computing and Coca-cola caused his fatal stroke at } the age of fourteen. } }   Sniff. } }   You owe the Oracle two hours in front of a VT220.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What am I thinking right now?  What answer do I expect from the Oracle > (hint: these are not the same)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you test the Oracle in such a fashion!  I do not exist to play } such foolish parlor games with the likes of you!  I am here to enlighten } the people who ask meaningful questions.  But in order to please you, } you sniveling, worthless piece of lark's vomit, here is your answer: } } Right now you are worrying about whether or not the anonymous posting } service stripped the header from the letter you sent to alt.sex.bondage. } } You expect me to say that you are thinking of Lisa entering the door to } your left and sitting down on your lap and starting to massage your } chest over and over, thon slowly moving down your torso until finally } she takes hold of your...  ah, well, you get the picture. } } You owe the oracle $.25.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I'm driving along the freeway right now, and OUCH!  I've just > spilled some scalding hot coffee onto my crotch, and so I've SWERVED > across the median onto the opposing lanes!  CARS AND TRUCKS ARE COMING > AT ME AT 80 MPH! >                    HELP!  QUICK!!  WHAT SHOULD I DO????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop typing and assume crash postions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is at the beginning of every youth, the center of every eye, and > the end of every day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The letter "y."  My, aren't you clever! } } Actually, the best answer is "a blob of slime."  Think about it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When they say "It's not over 'till the fat lady sings", are they > referring specifically to Tammy Faye Bakker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The original fat lady, who inspired this saying, was named Olga } Hustenwaffle, and sang for the Indiapolis Metropolitan Opera from 1923 } to 1951. } } Now that the lovely Tammy Faye's hubby is incarcerated, she actually has } been considering a career in opera or entertainment.  Next year she will } tour the US, playing "Magenta" in the stage version of the Rocky Horror } Picture Show.  After a stint at the Detroit Opera, she will abandon the } stage to replace Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show. } } The ultimate singing fat lady is Ethel Murmen, who is actually not a fat } lady at all, but an incarnation of Vishnu, the destroyer.  Better take } cover when she starts singing to end the show!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I meet beautiful women who will come toed with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most of the time, I don't think there ever is a problem with women going } anywhere toed.  I think your best bet is that you make sure the women } still have toes when they go out with you. } } You owe the oracle a collection of Lee Press-On Nails.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now, I'm a rather rude and crude kind of guy, and there's not much I > like better than some rather raw and pretty offensive reading material. > But I'm also working towards a Ph.  D.  in English Literature, and so I > get to understand peoples' writing styles pretty well.  And there are > some pretty marvelous coincidences going down here.  Like, a guy who > writes very much like Ronald Reagan wrote a series of books about a girl > named Beth Bopper in 1950-52, six not particularly good books with lots > of explicit sex.  Is it really Ronny, and if so, how much of his > campaign fund was supported by pornography?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle refuses to Answer on the grounds that the Oracle may }         Incriminate It's Oracular Self! } } You owe the Anonymous Oracle all the evidence you have accumulated.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ``Boom boom, out go the lights!''

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE } } This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  Had this been } an an actual emergency, you would have heard many large explosions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extermely } flattered and If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much.  My } address is: } } 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC } } Ask for Mr.  B, they'll know who you mean. } } You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are women so difficult to understand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, son, women are fundamentally different from us men.  It's futile } trying to understand them - the differences are biological and innate. } A woman will never appreciate how totally hilarious the Three Stooges } are, or why tofu is unfit for human consumption, or what the blue line } in hockey is for (though, just between us, the Oracle has always had } trouble with this too).  How could we really understand someone with the } ability to remember where the packing tape is stored, 5 years after it } was put away?  (Men actually have abilities like this in latent form, } but they are suppressed by testosterone poisoning).  So give it up. } } By the way, son, be careful about these questions.  It's only luck the } Oracle caught this before Mrs.  Oracle had time to open the E-mail.  If } she sees this, your female acquaintances would hear about it fast.