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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whoever reads this can they mail SHARNM@MOLGAGNAR.AC.UK please. > > I want international stardom ! > > [The mail address has been randomized. -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >mail forwarded to LMAIL@INDIANA } >no active path to Indiana is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@ORACLE } >no active path to Oracle is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@ZEUS } >no active path to Zeus is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@THOR } >no active path to Thor is available } } >mail forwarded to STMP@BUDDHA } >No active path to Buddha is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@CLINTON.WHITEHOUSE } >No active path to Clinton.Whitehouse is available } } >Mail forwarded MAILER@GORE.WHITEHOUSE } >No active path to Gore.Whitehouse is available } } >Mail forwarded to MAILER@BUSH.CIA.WHITEHOUSE.TOP.SECRET } > No active path to Bush.CIA.Whitehouse.Top.Secret is available } } >Mail forwarded to YELTSIN@WHATEVERS.LEFT.OF.USSR } >No active path to Whatevers.left.of.ussr is available } } >Mail forwarded to ANYONE@FORMER.YUGOSLAVIA.REPUBLIC } >No active path to Former.Yugoslavia.Republic is available } } >Mail forwarded to WOODCHUCK@WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Mail sent to WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Mail delivered to WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Mail received by WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Entering system WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Enter Password } >Password incorrect } >Enter Passowrd } >Password incorrect } >Enter Password } >Password incorrect } >Send query } >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } >No response } >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } >No response } >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } >No response } >System error } >Query will be sent again at 5 minute intervals until user system is } fuctioning properly and able to respond } >Begin loop } >How much wood...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Wise and glorious Oracle who's aura is more blinding than the > brightest sun. > > Please tell me if the girl in my dreams who come to comfort me and tell > me she will be with me soon after I am spurned by other more coporeal > women is real and I am experince a psychic phenomena or am I just > deluding myslef? > > Loveconfused in the rockies

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I think a more appropriate question would be as to whether that } talking giant kumquat you've been seeing is really telling you to give } up your membership in the 80-column Club or not, and believe me, he is. }  Or at least he should.  Boy, howdy. } } "Please tell me if the girl in my dreams who come to comfort me and } tell me shl ..." indeed. } }       But the Oracle does not need you to be coherent to know what you } mean! On the contrary!  Supplicants are de facto INcoherent, as was } proven by Sir Isaac Oracle in 1532: } } Theorem: Supplicants are incoherent, rambling toads. } Proof: Aw, c'mon!  Proof by observation! } QED. } }       In any event, the answer to your query is that the vision is not } a psychic phenomena, in that it is only one, and yes, you are deluding } yourself. On the other hand, that kumquat is real.  The Oracle suggests } you listen to it. } }       You owe the Oracle an abacus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle...               ____ >                                 /.../\ > My three year old daughter     /.../##\ > was playing with her Legos    /.../####\ > the other day and she        /.../######\ > handed me this thing        /.../###/\###\ > that she made.  Every      /.../###/  \###\    I have enclosed an > time I look at it or      /.../###/\   \###\    illustration.  Can > try to figure out how    /.../###/  \   \###\    you explain this > she put it together     /.../###/    \   \###\    phenomena to me, > I get this royal       /.../###/      \   \###\    please? > headache and I seem   /.../###/        \   \###\ > to see things        /.../###/          \   \###\ > moving in the       /.../###/            \   \###\ > shadows out of     /.../###/______________\   \###\ > the corner of     /........................\   \###\ > my eye.          /..........................\   \###\ >                 -----------------------------    \###/ >                 \                                 \#/ >                  \_________________________________/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my..You've got yourself one BIG problem here!  Do not..I repeat *DO } NOT* provoke your daughter.  She is one of the few humans alive today } who are taking the next evolutionary step towards omnipotence!  The } triangular object she has built is a tool she can use to channel her } thoughts into pure energy, and destroy anything in her path.  There is } not much that you can do except be extremely nice to her, give her } anything she asks for, and above all, stay out of her way.  She will } undoubtedly be experimenting with her new powers, and you wouldn't want } to fall victim to one of her sick little experiments! } } Be careful, and good luck. } } The almighty oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's in the tenth circle of Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes. The tenth circle. So bad that Dante wasn't let } in. Container of the greatest terror known to thinking } beings. What is there? W**DCH*CKS!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, whose engineering knowledge surpasses all... > > When it comes time to demolish the tallest buildings on Earth, > i.e. the Sears Tower, Empire State Building, CN Tower, World > Trade Center, etc., demolition experts will be faced with an > interesting challenge.  In the close confines of a large city > like NYC, Chicago, or Toronto, just blowing them up could cause > a few injuries if the building should topple. > > So, when and how will these buildings be removed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Empire State Building: Destroyed in 1997, along with the rest of New } York, by a terrorist atomic bomb.  The leader of the band will release } a videotape: "This action dramatizes the plight of the Upper Middle } Southeast Croatians in their generations-long struggle against } oppression at the hands of the Lower Middle Southeast Croatians."  In } retribution, America dispatches three platoons of Marines to } U.M.S.E.C. and wipes out the entire indigenous population, } slaughtering upwards of 75 people. } } Sears Tower: Suffers incremental damage from 2019 through 2032, when } the last floor is destroyed, finally ending the Sears - K-Mart War. } } World Trade Center: Stands until 2243, becoming more and more decrepit } as supermegawallawallabingbangskyscrapers are built in the new } Downtown area (that is, Kansas.)  In December 2242, the Greater } Midwestern Urban Area police post the buildings "condemned", but } squatters refuse to leave.  Situation comes to a head in August 2243 } during a revival of Spike Lee's "Do The Right Thing"; rioting occurs. } Population of building is arrested and taken to the Greater Midwestern } Urban Area Holding Center (that is, Iowa) and the two towers are } demolished from inside out with quantum black holes. } } CN Tower: Come 2043, they just blow it up.  Who cares about a few } lousy Canadians?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, I am truly in a bind! > > I am a script writer fot the once almost popular TV series MacGyver and > I have gotten myself into a snag in the script that would take HOURS to > rewrite. Can you tell me, gracious Oracle, what incredible and creative > thin MacGyver can do with a chewy granola bar, a tin of spam, and a > mo-ped?  Maybe even a few suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You *have* got yourself into a bind, haven't you?  Now, if you } had only equipped Mac with a *crunchy* granola bar, you'd be } in business.  Because of course, the Peruvian alpaca absolutely } dotes on the stuff (make sure it's the kind with no cashews), } and would migrate many thousands of miles just for a taste. } And I don't think I have to spell out for you what Mac could } do with an alpaca and a can of Spam, as the precious seconds } tick away before the nuclear bomb detonates.  Then when all } the shouting is over, Mac can run over the alpaca with the } moped and claim the beast committed suicide.  Get my drift? } } You owe the Oracle a can of Spam (extra-crispy style).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful master of all wisdom, please tell me: > >                  Why did the priest cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To get a wafer a while. } } You owe the Oracle a Host of better answers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Not OK. } } Here's what is wrong. } }   1.  No grovel.  You -really- must grovel.  I cannot help you unless }       you grovel, because the lack of grovelling puts my head out of }       joint, and I start doing unproductive things like zotting people }       or tearing apart their mental fabric by slow degrees.  A good }       grovel shows not only your high opinion of me, but also your }       recognition of your EXTREMELY LOW position with respect to me. }       A superb grovel does all that with flair and creativity. } }   2.  No content.  You cannot get an answer if you don't ask anything. }       Instead you'll get wisecracks, or nothing at all, or (if you're }       lucky) a lecture like this one. } }   3.  Idiocy.  You have revealed your nature as an idiot.  I have no }       need to deal with idiots at all.  Why don't you just get it over }       with?  (No, you don't have to answer.  It's a rhetorical }       question.) } }   4.  Presumptiveness.  You have assumed that just because I -can- }       figure out what your question is, through a simple application }       of my superb Omniscience, that I would want to bother doing so. }       Wrong!  You get the lecture instead. } } Now go jump off a cliff, and don't send me the cleanup bills, either.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh all wise and wonderful, hounour me with an answer so that I > may sleep again... > >         A cat when dropped allways lands on it's feet. >         a piece of buttered bread when dropped always lands butter side > down. > >         What oh wise and wonderfull would happen if you were to staple > a piece of bread butter side up to the back of a cat and then drop it? > >         Also Oh wise and wonderfull do you feel the hight of the > building you drop them from is important?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bread will always fall off.  No adhesive or fastener in the } universe is strong enough to bind a cat to a slice of buttered bread. } } The height of the building is only important if you want more than one } sample data point. } } You owe the Oracle a slice of buttered cat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose attributes are so wonderful that my humble groveling > could never adequately describe them (so I'll probably decline ...) > > Why is it so hard to work on Fridays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the lures of Saturday are so great! } It is even sometimes hard to work on Thursdays....