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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha!  The invisible question!  Fortunately I can read and answer it. } } Hold on a minute while I shift over to the invisible bits. } } } } } } You owe the Oracle a                    !

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, keeper of all knowledge, consultant to the Gods, and > just a great guy, please tell me. > > I heard on the news today that this is the longest day of the year. > How can that be, don't all days have 24 hours, has the earth's > rotational speed has slowed down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Earth spins at a constant rate. However, some of the minutes } are migratory, and fly North for the summer solstice, making today } the *shortest* day of the year for the Aussies. (You've heard that } "time flies", of course; now you know what it means.) } } Because some of today's minutes are actually native to the Southern } Hemisphere, you will see occasional odd behavior -- normal people } suddenly standing on their heads or uttering phrases like "G'day." } } There is no reason to be alarmed or offended. We get our revenge at } the Winter Solstice, when hockey games break out in New Zealand.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I print something on my local area network, what exactly tell it > where to go?  Why  does it not for example, print to the mouse on the > computer across the room?  Does this have to with some kind of elves or > nomes?  That's just an idea I had.  Please setting my wandering with > your immense knowledge.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou hast not considered this situation fully. } } When you turn on the water in your shower, what makes the water go to } the right place?  When you use a remote control for your TV, how does } the TV find out what you want it to do?  When you open your mailbox, } how did all those bills and junk letters get there? } } The answer to all your questions in life is this: }               Universal Suction } } Everything in the Universe wants to suck in something.  The drain in } your bathtub sucks water which it gets from your showerhead which sucks } it from the pipe.  Your TV sucks the light out of your remote control } and since televisions are such strong suckers, it sucks the light } before you can even see it which is why it is invisible to mere } mortals.  (The only thing stronger than televisions for sucking this } "invisible" light is a camcorder.  Try setting a camcorder on "record", } aiming a remote control device at it, and pressing some buttons. } You'll be able to see the light recorded onto the tape.) } } Printers are very finicky suckers.  They only suck data.  When you } request your file to be printed, the data is scattered all over your } network and the printer just sucks it all up.  Fortunately for the } users, printers are also bulimic and they regurgitate your data onto } the paper (which, too, sucked the data). } } Elves and gnomes are not the answer as they were sucked up by the } Universe long ago. } } You owe the Oracle a pacifier.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good idea. } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. } } That was a nice nap.  Thank you for the suggestion.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I, a humble subject worth no more than a moth caught in the glare > of a bright light, beg of you, a great and glorious being whose > greatness exceeds the Great Space Kablooie (a new name proposed for > the Big Bang), to answer the following question so that I may > contemplate your answer until my feet find nirvana upon the Surface > That is Quite Bright... > >    On a bright and cloudfree morning, why does an inverse relationship >    exist between carrying an umbrella and the chance of a torrential >    downpour in the afternoon?  Does the distance that you have to walk >    have anything to do with this relationship?  How about the price >    of the clothes you are wearing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are to be commended for your artful grovelling. The } "Great Space Kablooie" was quite interesting to listen to } in their day, but you can't dance to any of their tunes. } } On to your question. I'm surprised it took you mortals so } long to figure out the relation between short duration } high density precipitation phenomena, haute couture, } and the peculiar arrangements of metal rods and fabric } your tribe calls an "umbrella." } } Expensive clothing contains the seeds of its own destruction. } Like the "planned obsolescence" of automobiles built in } the 1950's-1970's and computers built in the 1980's, clothing } becomes obsolete. Styles don't "change," old clothing destroys } styles so you need to buy new clothes. If you take an expensive } suit outsize, very quickly the money molecules cause clouds to } form and rain to fall. When you walk long distances you give the } money molecules longer to work. } } However, the semispheroidal umbrella shape warps the space- } time continuum in a manner that interferes with the money } molecule's cloud formation properties. } } You owe the Oracle a process to extract the remaining money } molecules from old clothes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O nutty and nutricious Oracle, how many pieces of fruit in one > Beacon's (TM) Fruit Bar (TM)?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, hungry mortal, I actually have an entire room full of paid } employees working to determine that precise number.  I doubt that they } have a final figure just yet, but I can let you peek at the transcript } of our last few interviews with several of the workers. } } Questioner: And what is your name? } Worker: Thor. } Questioner: Thor, how many pieces of fruit have you found today? } Thor: Nine thousand and three. } Questioner: And what flavor bar were you checking? } Thor: Vanilla. } Questioner: ...and you found... } Thor: Nine thousand and three pieces of fruit. } Questioner: ...in a vanilla bar. } Thor: yes. } Questioner: ...I see.  Well thank you.  Next!...and what is your name? } Worker: Lola. } Questioner: And how many pieces of fruit have you found today? } Lola: Um... you'd be the third. } Questioner: er...Next!.... and your name is? } Worker: Shane (burp) } Questioner: And how many pieces of fruit did you count today? } Shane: Um...(burp)...twenty four. 'Scuse me. } Questioner: that's IT? } Shane: (burp) dude, I'm eating as fast as I can. } Questioner: Eating?? } Shane: The pieces of fruit... thats what you hired me to do, right? } Questioner: Oh my G*d... next?... and you are? } Worker: Pat. } Questioner: and... do you... count fruit here? } Pat: yes. } Questioner: in... fruit bars? } Pat: yes. } Questioner: well congratulations.... um, how many have you found today? } Pat: Oh, today was my day off. } } Unfortunately that ended our line of questioning as our interviewer } chose that exact moment to hurl himself out the window.  It was only a } first floor window, granted, but the microphone broke upon impact.  So } you see, fruit bar fans, we're working diligently to answer *all* of } your questions, no matter how inane.  And we *will* have answers for } you. To this question... and others. But not only that.  We're working } to bring fruit bars wher they've never gone before.  Have you ever } reached into your radio and found a fruit bar? Your tv? Your stereo? } your dishwasher? Have you ever used a fruit bar as an umbrella? plugged } one into a modem? Well, you will. And the Oracle that will bring it to } you... AT&T. } } You owe the Oracle.  And don't you forget it.  Burp.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wiser than the wisest, please answer my humble question: > > What did they give Cy Young before the Cy Young award?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They gave him the Cy Young award. It had always been called the Cy } Young award, even before Cy Young came along. No one knows why. Many } history scholars are trying to delve deep into ancient history and } mythology to try an unearth some mention of the Cy Young award in } ancient times, but no one has found anything. There's a remote } possibility that the Mongolian word "sy-yung" might have something to } do with it, a title used much like "sir" or "lord",which translates } roughly into "excellent thrower of severed heads." } } It was an incredibly wierd coincidence that Cy Young won the award, } wasn't it? Almost as much of a coincidence as Lou Gehrig contracting } Lou Gehrig's Disease... } } You owe the Oracle a few hours at a batting cage somewhere.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't give me a raisin to mango your grape nuts!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle: > > At dinner last night, we were discussing minorities in the > superhero-genre comic books (who wouldn't?), and the point was made > that there is a woeful lack of hispanic superheroes. > > The point was also made that when minorities are introduced into comic > books, the writers try so very hard to be 'ethnically aware,' that they > usually end up stereotyping the poor fellow to death. > > Therefore, Oracle, I ask you this: > > What kind of superhero would result from a man falling into a vat of > radioactive guacamole dip?  or perhaps extra-spicy refried beans? > > Anxiously awaiting your reply, etc., etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ummm...hi!  The Oracle's not in right now...yeah, he drank a } little to much last night, you know...he's not feeling so hot right } now. So can I take a message?  Huh?  Oh another question...hmmm...let's } see. Yah, I can answer it so sock it to me. } }       Geez.  Uh...okay well, I think that the perennial Hispanic } superhero would be Xuxa (pronounces 'Shoosha').  She's this host of a } kid's show in Mexico.  What kind of powers does she have?  Well, aside } from having the blondest hair on the planet, she sings like crap and } dances even worse.  So, uh she could annoy her enemies to death.  And } she already has the costumes for it...she wears the shortest shorts on } record, so she'd fit right in with all those busty Marvel/DC heroines. } }       Besides, I mean you wouldn't want a superhero made from } radioactive refried beans...what would he be called?  Nacho-man? } That'd really strike fear in the hearts of the bad guys. } }       You owe the Oracle two jumbo bags of Doritos and a case of Pace } Picante sauce (extra hot.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose shoes I am unworthy even to polish, > > What is the origin of the term "boilerplate", as it applies to > computegenerated form letters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, not very many years ago (at least by my standpoint, I } am an old fellow you know) computers were very large and unwieldy } machines.  They also produced one heck of a lot of heat due mainly to } inefficency.  Due to the unwieldiness of these original computers } highly trained professionals (there was no such thing as a Software } Engineer back then) had to stay up late at night to look over } mysterious printouts (computers didn't even have screens back then you } know) known as "dumps".  These dumps were nearly as inefficient as the } machines themselves, and were thus readable only by a highly trained } professional (read: lunatic).  These trained professionals required } vast amounts of coffee in order to remain awake, often days at a time, } in order to fully comprehend the scope of the dump.  To facilitate this } process, the boilerplate was invented.  The boilerplate was originally } a metal shelf which one attached to the computer.  The heat of the } computer was enough to heat the shelf, and thus coffee could be kept at } the proper coffee temperature (read: hot).  The boilerplate also } served another purpose, the dumps could now be hung (via tape or other } means) from the boilerplate allowing the trained professional access to } both his proper temperature coffee and his dump.  Nowadays real } boilerplates are no longer needed, but they have been known to be sold } at auctions for upwards of $7000.  The term boilerplate is now used to } refer to the body of "stuff" (a very technical term) which lies above } anything else in a computer (similar to how the original boilerplates } hung above dumps).  This includes, but is not limited to:  Comment } Blocks at the beginning of a Source Code file and the information at } the beginning of Computer Generated Form Letters ("This letter has been } sent to _______ to inform _______ that he/she/it has won $________") } }       You owe the oracle your Publishers Clearinghouse winnings and a } cup of hot coffee.