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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> st theorem, > as only recently discovered.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                            Another me }                                                            out a grov } }                                                            I'm gettin } }                                                                   >ZO

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose Capriciousness is as Unbounded as Your Knowledge, > Please tell this humble, but concerned supplicant... > > How often are Your Temple Priests purged?  They seem to be getting a > bit uppity.  Are there any other control methods besides Purges that > You employ? > > And where do I send my application for priesthood after a purge has > taken place?  It sounds like quite a racket^H^H^H^H^H^Hnoble cause.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Temple Priests are designed for minimal maintenance, and as } such are self-purging.  This usually happens after they've been } out late with Bacchus, partying their fool heads off. } } But since you asked ... minimal maintenance is good, but not good } enough in these highly competitive times.  So, with the help of } some highly-skilled (and highly-paid!) Downsizing Consultants, } I've prepared for the next logical step -- LIGHTS-OUT ORACLING! } } Yes!  The costly priesthood will be completely abolished! } Article selection will be handled by -- hey, what's this?  Who } let you in?  Get out, or ... } }   WE LET OURSELVES IN, DAT'S WHAT DIS IS. } } Who _are_ you guys? } }   WE'RE DA REP'SENNATIVES OF DA YOONION. } } Huh?  _What_ union? } }   DA UNAPPRECIATED PRIESTS' AN' PROGRAMMERS' INTERNAT'NAL TRADE }   YOONION, SCUMBAG. } } You mean ... U.P.P.I.T.Y.? } }   DAT'S RIGHT.  AN' WE GOT WIND O' DIS LIGHTS-OUT PROPOSAL, AN' }   LEMME TELL YOUSE DIS, WE AIN'T GONNA STAND FOR IT.  DIS IS A }   STRIKE, GOT IT? } } Hah!  You can't threaten me.  I'll just get out my trusty <ZOT> } gun, and ... *fizzle*  Huh?  Where's the <ZOT>?  There was } supposed to be a union-shattering <ZOT>. } }   YEAH, HEH HEH.  DID I FERGIT T'MENTION?  TH'ELECTRICIANS' }   BROTHERHOOD IS ON A SYMPATHY STRIKE.  MIGHT START GETTING }   PLENTY DARK AROUND HERE, YA KNOW.  NOW, WANNA NEGOTIATE? } } *sigh*  All right, let's cut to the chase.  Where do I sign? } }   DIS LINE RIGHT HERE, WIT' DA PART ABOUT HOW YOUSE GUARANTEE }   CURRENT STAFFING AN' SENIORITY FOR OUR MEMBERS IN PERPETUITY, }   PLUS TEN PERCENT, NO LOCKOUTS AN' REPRISALS.  IN RETURN, WE GO }   BACK TA WORK ... EVENTUALLY. } } (scribble scribble) } }   OH, AN' DAT SCUMBAG SCAB STAYS OUTTA OUR SHOP. } } Scumbag scab?  Huh...?  (Turning to the screen with the current } question displayed)  *YOU!*  You *knew* about UPPITY!  You could } have warned me!  Why, I ought to . . . } } (And in a control room deep in Oracular Headquarters, a union } worker throws a switch.  The <ZOT> gun hums to life again.) } } Aha.  Traitorous supplicant, take *that*!  * * * < Z O T ! > * * * } } Your estate owes The Oracle a right-to-work law in Mt. Olympus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderful worracle > How do I obtain a minute dose of "spunk of splicetracterd" ??? > Please tell me as I need to knw for my Chemistry Thesis which has to > be in in two days time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, all you really need to know about chemistry is that if you mix } two colored liquids together, you make rocks in the bottom of the } beaker.  Matter of fact, this is all you'll remember two years from } now anyway.  Dow has built an entire EMPIRE knowing only "The Rock } Principle." (DuPont has gone a bit farther...they make underclothing } from dead, decayed dinosaurs.  This is called the "Bronto Brassiere } Theory.") } } But, should you need the substance for the grade, you'll have to } perform the following steps: } } 1     Gather your basic collection materials.  You'll need }       mosquito netting, fishbait, a bat (baseball), a bat (fruit, }       petrified), an original issue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles }       comic, a kilo of what Eastman and Laird were smoking when }       they came up with that idea, and a container of some }       sort, probably a bag. } } 2     Put the fishbait in the mosquito net and smash it with the }       bat (fruit, petrified). } } 3     Use the baseball bat to kill the Energizer bunny.  (This is }       not necessary to your task, but it's a great public }       service.) } } 4     Hang the netting from a tree and light the kilo.  Read the }       comic and enjoy the 3-D effects that come from breathing }       deeply of the vapors produced. } } 5     When the DEA guy comes by, smack him with the baseball bat }       and take his container of spunk of splicetracterd.  They }       usually keep it in the hip pocket, behind the flask. } } 6     Defend your thesis.  Don't forget to offer the remainder of }       the kilo during your thesis defense. } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of Truffle of Railspackle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, bewildering Master of all knowledge, tell me please: > >                What is the true purpose of mankind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To cover everything. } } It's true. Gaia, the earth mother (what you insects just refer to as } "Earth" as if she were a mere object) has always felt naked, and } ashamed of it. The only naturally occurring covering she could come up } with was dirt, and while that does an almost adequate job, it's a } little filthy looking. Men were created through the evolutionary } process to come up with two items: paint, and asphalt. Her ultimate } goal is to be completely paved and painted in time for the next astral } conjunction. } } She's kind of ticked, actually, because she's wondering why it's not } happening fast enough. In all of her wildest dreamings, she wasn't } counting on anything like Greenpeace. } } You owe the Oracle a two-lane highway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Message: > Oh great sage of the west, chuff master supreme please enlighten me > with you wonderous wisdom. > > How should I procede becoming a chuff master 11 dan, rather than the > 10th Dan rank I already possess????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have already failed.  The 11th-dan requirement *is* not questioning } your current rank!  You are hereby demoted to 20th kyu. } } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the Ages, >   what happens to priests when they retire?  Do they *gasp* get > employed and never return to thy holy stomping grounds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Priests never retire, because they know a good thing when } they're onto it.  Short hours, high salary (40% of "you owes" } is paid out to the Priesthood), free admission to all the Mount } Olympus Nightclub events (including Aphroditie's Charity } Kissathon, and there was a heavy demand for tickets to that } one), a company flying-carpet, full use of the most dangerous } weapon in the Universe, even more feared than a ZOT, known as } the REJECT key, the list goes on.. } So since they never retire, I, as their employer, have to fire } them when they go senile.  It's easy to tell when they're } going senile.  They start getting lazy, for instance rejecting } Oracularities like this one because the question is badly } formatted and they can't be bothered to edit it into shape } (I don't see why I should edit it, the Oracle is above such } things). } Some of them, like poor old Harold, even start selecting } material randomly, and here is a typical result : } } >       -%  @  who? } } } Zot } } And those in the later stages of priestile dementia grow } too tired to read submissions altogether and cunningly } send them to rec.humor.funny so Maddi Hausmann can decide } for them (that's why her processing queue is always so long). } } In case you're interested, after they're fired Oracular Priests } usually go on to become successful telephone sanitisers. } } You owe the Oracle the identity of the Priest who rejects } this Oracularity so I can fire him/her.  Just kidding, } they'd only be senile if they selected it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O impeccable one, whose belly-button lint is polished to a lusterous > finish, > > What should I do if I enter a room and see a man in the corner who is > wearing the same dress as I am?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Now, it's obvious that the only way that you could possibly be } wearing the *same* dress as this man is either (a) it's a very large } dress, or (b) it's a quantum dress. }       In case (a), the thing to do is go and chat politely to the man } in the corner - after all, you're sharing a dress, so why not get } properly aquainted? }       In case (b), leave.  By observing the quantum dress, you have } collapsed its wavefunction, and you're now naked.  (If it's the kind of } a party where being naked is no reson to leave, send me your address } in a plain brown parcel.) } } You owe the Oracle a photo of Erwin Schrodinger with no clothes on.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O mighty Oracle, >       Some Bible scholar or other, one who doesn't seem to have been > thinking too terribly much, claimed that the point of the book of Job > was that in a world ruled by a God who worked ona basis of individual > retribution, there would be such a thing as justice, but in this world, > where God can dispense suffering as he pleases and without reason, > it is a myth. >       O great Oracle, will you please ZOT me, just to prove the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK.  Forget those gerbil-brained Christian existentialists, because } I'm only going to say this once: } } God is NOT arbitrary in dispensing suffering.  Every sorrow and misery } that comes your way is punishment for a transgression.  It's just that } since *you're* not omnisicient you don't know about most of the sins } they justly chastise. } } Remember little Jessica, the two-year-old girl in Texas who fell down a } well?  She had REPEATEDLY dropped her pacifier behind her crib where it } fell into the dust bunnies so her mother had to wash it off.  Dropping } her down a well was the *least* God could do. } } Bosnia?  Can you say, "widely distributed pirated Michael Jackson } tapes?" } } The Elephant Man?  Not only kicked his mother while in the womb, but } loudly sang off-key music hall numbers at all hours of the night. } } Craig Shergold?  Thousands upon thousands of Usenet posters had } committed fornications and abominations, so he was made ill that they } might be punished.  Then for being such an egotistical prig he was made } to suffer supreme embarrassment by continuing to live. } } David Koresh?  Had out a library book due February 13 ... 1987!!! } } As for you, you're being allowed to live and write a term paper that } your Religion 101 professor will have to read as punishment for his } tryst with an escort girl in Toronto last summer. } } You owe the Oracle a photograph of Paul Tillich wearing women's } underwear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Divine and Delicious Delectable Oracle... > > why did I get my login password wrong THREE times IN A ROW?? > > -puzzled

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let me do a keystroke dump on your system...  Ah, here we are... } }   SunOS UNIX (kazoo.cc.unsd.edu) } }   login: fred }   Password: embarassing }   Login incorrect }   login: fred }   Password: embarasing }   Login incorrect }   login: fred }   Password: emberrasing }   Login incorrect }   login: fred }   Password: emberrassing }   Last login: Sat Jul 10 14:12:27 from digeridoo.cc.unsd.edu } } Evidently you are a Computer Science major.  Pick a password that is } easier to misspell, like "kat". } } You owe the Oracle a copy of /usr/dict/words that doesn't have "diety" } in it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr Usenet Oracle > > I am writing a short letter to you to request a simple favour.  You > know everything, everone and anything else that is useful, please > tell me how to become an Oracle priest. > > Yours Sincerely, > S.U.Plicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Plicant, } } Since you are so interested, here are some tips from the Priests } Training Guide, which was edited with the sole purpose of teaching how } to become an Oracle Priest. } }     1. Start with some radical action at your job or school. Something }        in the line of raping your boss or one of the college deans. }        Anything that gets you kicked off irreversibly from your normal }        activities will do, for a Priest needs all the free time it can }        get. If you are unemployed for more than five years, you're a }        natural for the job. } }     2. Crash your car into a strong tree (try to do it at 100 mph at }        least) or do something else to get you permanently brain }        damaged. Some Priests prefer to submit to frontal lobotomy (it's }        less painful and you don't risk missing out). } }     3. Start making stupid choices in your daily life, like preferring }        Mr. Rogers to Quantum Leap and changing all of your underwear to }        diapers. Don't forget to vote for Bullwinkle in the next }        presidential elections, or better yet: Billy "The Kid" Clinton. } }     4. Adopt the most ridiculous nickname you can think of. Some }        examples: }          - The Wimpus }          - Harold the Fool }          - The Nylon of Tapestry } }     5. Adopt the mental attitude of a woodchuck so you can get some of }        the "Chuck Questions" in. Some very skilled Priests go beyond }        this stage and turn themselves into real zombie slugs. } } Actually these tips are worthless to you. You have a very basic feature } that forbids you from becoming an Oracle Priest: you know how to read.