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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose wisdom is eclipsed only by the most > massive stellar object, whose knowledge is exceeded only by the super- > enhanced CRAY-9000, and whose patience is exceeded only by that of the > Altarian sand-beetle, who strives to build his nest out of 20 ton > boulders, > > What the heck was my question going to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wanted to know what to do about the fifty-five pound shrew that } keeps taking your livestock.  Hence your preoccupation with Really Big } Things, just now. } } Hoo, boy, are you in trouble.  The Giant Shrew (Soricidae Thaumindi } gigantor) is rarely seen on this plane of existence-- after all, the } damn thing never sleeps and eats its own weight in meat every few } *hours*. This is why you keep seeing a blur out of the corner of your } eye and next thing you know, WHAM-- nothing left but a few drifting } wisps of wool and the diminishing echos of a terminal bleat. } } You should call an exterminator.  Not that he'll be able to help-- I } just want you to see what's left of the body when the shrew gets done } with it.  It's very important you understand the gravity of the } situation.  Hell, go ahead and call your ex and send him into the } woods after mushrooms.  Heh heh heh. } } Enough fooling around.  Go get a couple claymore mines and booby-trap } an ewe.  Make sure you read the directions ("This side towards } shrew.") } } Of course, this will only wound the fiend.  Your next move should be } to arm yourself with a shotgun, strip down to your teddy, and poke } around the farm, sticking your nose into all available dark corners as } the audience screams "Don't go in there, dummy!" } } Try to survive the exercise.  I'm really looking forward to the } sequel: "Banana Slugs of Doom."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got a light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I AM light. } } You owe the Oracle the head of the Marlboro man on a platter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh divine Oracle, to whom I bequeathe my worthless soul during the > afterlife... > > What happens to us when we die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have heard all that malarkey about, when we die, we are greeted by } loved ones who have long since past and the tunnel with the light and } the big fields and all that rigamarole.  But, I truly believe that, } upon our decease, we are provided with the answers to the questions } that have plagued the flotsam and jetsam of humanity for eons.  For } example: } } *Why, pray tell, are the buttons and men's shirts are on one side while } the buttons on women's shirts are on the other side? } } *Was Ayatollah Khomeni any fun as a child? } } *What is "nitty?"  Can it be divorced from "gritty?" } } *Why do they call them "bangs?"  (I'm talking about the hair stuff.) } } *Remember those Trident Gum commercials in which they say that 4 out of } 5 dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew } gum? Now, what in the world does that fifth dentist recommend?  Packets } of seething saccharin? } } *Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop?  As a corollary, who put } the wham in the wham a lam a ding dang? } } Why do we entrust our lives to greasy toothless dung-for-brains who } work the rides at amusement parks?  HAS ANYONE EVER CONSIDERED THIS? } WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?????? } } Finally, the question that corrodes the bounds of rational thought-- } } IS MICHAEL BOLTON A MAN?????? } } Thusly, all the afterlife really amounts to is a collection of un-used } or re-used Oracle questions. } } You owe the Oracle a jam-session with Morrissey and Robert Smith (from } "The Cure").

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah, I see you have one of those machines that goes "PING!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I couldn't afford a PC and a wordprocessor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose IQ, if counted out in raindrops, > would make a great Flood, > > I keep hearing on TV about them building Levis to control the flood. > I don't understand, please explain? > > And by the way, O Oracle whose years in counted out in raindrops > would make a great flood, if Levis are so great against floods, > why did Noah have so much trouble? > (Must've been lots of Levis in the Old Testament, no?) > > --13

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Levee is a mound of dirt, shaped to effectively raise the banks of a } river so that the river must raise a lot higher before spilling over, } and covering the nearby countryside. } } As to why Levees were not very effective during the great flood, the } Oracle will give thee a bit 'o advice. } } If you ever have the opportunity to make a bet on who will win out } between: } } (a) A mound of dirt } } and } } (b) A vengeful "God and all-powerful creator of everything". } } Always put your money on (b). } } You owe the Oracle one thousand sacks of sand, to be delivered to Iowa.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O bestest Oracle of Oracles. > > How short can my grovelling be without getting ZOTed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not the size that counts, it's what you do with it. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Masters and Johnson Grovelling } Clinic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle of the Tupperware! > > How do they get the nonstick coating on frying pans, to stick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not as complicated as it sounds, actually:  You see, high up in } the Himalayas is a small, dwindling band of dedicated Snot Tree } cultivators.  The rather disgusting Snot Tree stands about 12 } feet high and continuously secretes a sort of slimey, foul smelling } resin from special glands, which originally evolved to attract yaks } (the Snot Tree, much like the Venus Flytrap, tempts animals into } getting too close, at which point the plant makes a quick twitch and } smacks it's lips) which is dutifully collected by the wizened old men } who tend the trees and sold for exorbiant prices to gullible } representatives from appliance companies. They, in turn, pay people to } coat their pots and pans with the Snot Tree Resin, which bonds to the } metal and eventually dries, becoming a slick, non-stick surface. } } You owe the Oracle two Yaks and a complete set of Tupperware.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle, who is so persuasive that thou could sell a Rolls > Royce to an old beggar, and so warmhearted that thou would tell that > beggar how to make his/her fortune fast enough to make the first > payment. O Oracle, who could get thou foot in the door fast enough to > prevent thyself from being turned away from any door, if there were a > homeowner who would turn away the Oracle, which there is not. > > O Oracle, please hear the plea of thy most unworthy servant, who is not > worthy of shining your leather briefcase full of samples, and answer > this, my most ignorant question yet. > > When they finished filming George Romero's: _Day of the Dead_, what did > they do with all the Zombies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They were scrapped and bought by Michael Jackson for spare parts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most magnificent Oracle, whose eyesight is good enough to know > whether passing satellites are 'theirs' or 'ours'. Whose sense of smell > is good enough to know what aftershave is used by Television > newsreaders when watching from home, if the Oracle ever needed to watch > the news which thou do not. > > Please, great Oracle, please help thy ignorant disciple, who is not > worthy of being used as a prop when demonstrating thy most magnificent > sense of touch, by answering this question. > > Recently I visited York in Yorkshire. It doesn't have a Statue of > Liberty, it doesn't have an Empire State Building, it doesn't even have > a harbour or islands. > > Why then, did they name New York 'New York'? The two have nothing in > common.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hear, ye!  Hear, ye!  The GPWGNPAS (Group of People Who Give Names to } Previously Anonymous States) shall come to order!" } } The group fidgeted.  This was a big day.  Not ONLY was today the day } they named a state, but they also got to name its capital, too! } } "Now," said the chairman.  "What are we going to call it?" } } "Missouri?" } "Used that." } "Earth?" } "Too broad." } "Waco?" } "We DON'T want to fry the place." } "York?" } The entire group gasped.  An obvious traitor, this young } whipper-snapper would be whip-snapped.  How could anyone give the name } of a CITY in a foreign country? } } "Get him!" } } The young man was quickly tied down as the other memers of the Club } went to go get clubs, sticks, feathers, chocolate sauce and woodchucks. } } "No, wait!  I was just kidding!  I'm NEW around here, anyway!" } } Just as they were about to lay on the whip-snap-cream, the chairman } said: } } "Hey!  I've got an idea!" } } "Now what?  We haven't finished keelhauling him yet!" } } "Why don't we stretch him on the rack and turn him into a building to } show the world that he's Empirious!" } } "Yeah, then we'll take his wife and make her hold a torch while } standing on an island for the foreseeable future!" } } The crowd cheered.  They were eating it up, not to mention the Sundaes } they were making. } *** } } So, it was done.  They put everybody in the proper places, and decided } to call it New York, in order to show the monarch's place in American } society. } } You owe the oracle the Vampire State Building, and _The Easy Road to } New York Dining_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct honor and privelige to } introduce our guest manifestation for this evening, direct from a Red } Eye flight from Vegas, put your hands together for....Mr. Francis! } Albert! Sinatra!  Whooo.....! } } Tell me, baby, that you need me, } Tell me, baby, that you think *POW* I'm *POW* fine..... } Seal that letter with E-Kisses, } And send it down that kooky Usenet line....! } } Ask me any question you desire, } Ask me anything you want *POW* to *POW* know } Just stick that crazy 'tellme' in that header, doll, } So the kooky mail daemon can tell it where to goooooo! } } 'Tellme' ain't no question, } Unless preceded by 'Can you' with a question mark at the ennnnnnd....! } *BA-DUMP BUMP BUMP BUP DA DAAAAH! BA-DUMP BUMP BA DAAAH!* } I have a suggestion, } Why don't you have your next letter proofread by a personal } friennnnnnd! *BA-DUMP BUMP BUMP BUP BA DA DAAAAH! BA-DUMP BUMP BA DA } DAAAAH!* } } And then SEND! that crazy E-Mail to me, } Send me that E-Mail, I'll respond *POW* in *POW* time! } Just stick that nutty 'tellme' in that header, doll, } And send it down that kooky Yoo! Snet! Line......! } Yeah! } } *APPLAUSE* Mr. Frank Sinatra, ladies and gentlemen! Big round of } applause! Much appreciated, Mr. Sinatra, thank you very much. } } FRANK: No problem, Orrie baby. Hey, tell that nutty supplicant he } owes you an autographed copy of my Best Of album, okay? } } You bet, Frank. You heard the man, supplicant.