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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 20th Century, approximately.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh <INSERT INFINITE NUMBER OF FLATTERING REMARKS ABOUT THE ORACLE'S > GREATNESS> oracle who knoweth me. >       Where is Jimmy Hoffa? The Meadowlands People in NJ claim he's > not under there.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have chuckled about this one for long time. Hoffa became an } informant for the Feds before he received his commutation from } Richard Nixon in 1971. By 1975, Hoffa's snitching had become the } subject of rumors amongst the Mafiosi. On July 30th of that year, } Hoffa vanished. He was soon presumed to be dead. But this was not so. } He is alive today. } } Hoffa had entered the Federal Witness Protection Program. Because of } his notoriety, he is likely to remain in that program forever. } I should not reveal where he is today, but what the heck. } } You remember Jim Bakker? He was the TV evangelist of of PTL Club and } Jessica Hahn fame. Jimmy's now serving a Federal sentence for fraud. } Do you remember his wife, the um, lovely Tammy Faye Bakker? } Well, if you were to scrape that makeup off of Tammy Faye, you would } find Jimmy Hoffa. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of cement overshoes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, whose belly-button fluff is worth more than it's > weight in precious metals ... > > Recently Mother Teresa of Calcutta received an honourary degree from > Dublin City University. What on earth is she going to do with it ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.... well, I expect it'll come in handy as a conversation-starter } for those awkward audiences with HM Queen Elizabeth II or HRH the } Prince of Wales, videlicet: } } (Scene: HM The Queen being introduced to a line of several Nobel } laureates by a vaguely important-looking gentleman in full evening } dress) } } Attendant:     And this is Mother Teresa of Calcutta, your Majesty. } HM The Queen:  Pleased to meet you.  So, what do you do? } Mother Teresa: I've spent my life helping the poor and needy in the }                slums of Calcutta, your Majesty. } HM:            That must be very interesting. } Mother Teresa: Also, I was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize several years }                ago, and I've just been awarded an honourary degree from }                Dublin City University. } HM:            Good, good.... (moves onto next person in row) } Attendant:     This is Dr Steven Weinberg, Ma'am. } HM:            Good evening.  What do you do? } Weinberg:      I'm a theoretical physicist, Ma'am, I'm currently doing }                research into the Strong and Weak subatomic forces. } HM:            That must be very nice. } (etc.) } } Apart from a useful conversation-starter when talking to royalty, it's } probably not going to come in terribly useful, so effectively what'll } happen is that the honourary degree will end up in a frame, hanging on } a wall, next to the Nobel Prize. } } You owe the Oracle CERN's 1993 budget.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and whimsical Oracle, > > Is it true that there is no word in the English language that rhymes > with "orange"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sittin' out back, } By the tar-paper shack, } I hear the rusty kitchen doorhinge. } Makes my thirst } So much the worst } I run inside and grab an orange. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme for "silver".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle magnificent, awesome, and serene, please answer my > insignificant query: >     When did Santa Claus go into business, and what does he > do the other 364 1/4 days of the year? >                                         <N>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear old Saint Nick officially went into business on Dec. 24, 612 AD. } I remember it well.  It was a cold winter.(The temperature got down to } 87 degrees in the Bahamas, where I was temporarily located.)  I was } approched by this guy, and he says his name is Santa Claus, and he's } discovered this great tax dodge.  His plan is to move to the North } Pole, where only the hardiest of tax collectors would ever venture to } follow.  And once he got there, he was going to set up this non profit } organization to give toys away to children.  It was great, if I hadn't } already been tax exempt as an Oracle, I'd have joined him.  So anyway, } he wanted some advice about this venture, such as how many days a year } he'd have to work, would he have to make the toys himself, how could he } deliver the toys, and how could he tell which children deserved toys(he } wasn't completely mercenary, he is Santa Claus, after all.) } } The first question turned out to have an easy answer.  According to the } tax laws of the time, there was a certain ratio of the amount of } community service done and the time spent doing it that would allow him } to only work 1 day per year, providing he did enough work on that one } day.  So I outlined a plan (It involves some complex 4th dimensional } trigonometry and stable wormholes so I won't go into it here) by which } he could deliver these toys to all the deserving children(more on that } in a second) in only one night, thereby leaving him the other 364 days } to rest, provided he didn't have to make all of those toys himself. } } The problem of who would make the toys and how to deliver them worked } itself out fairly well, if I do say so myself.  There were these elves } that were rapidly running out of grazing land for these flying reindeer } that they were breeding.  It was a match made in heaven.  The elves } just loved the idea of working for a tax exempt corperation, because } you wouldn't believe how difficult the tax laws are when you're a } mythical creature, especially when you list your occupation as flying } reindeer breeder.  The reindeer got grazing land on the tundra in } exchange for one night's work per year.  And Santa got a workforce that } just loved the idea of making toys for kids.(Elves are odd) } } The only remaining problem was how to tell which children were } deserving of his services.  This wasn't actually a problem, considering } that Santa and I were fast becoming friends.  It was worked out that } each year I would provide Santa with a list of all the good girls and } boys(for a price, of course), and then Santa could simply deliver to } everone on the list. } } So, as you can see, everrything worked out in the end because of yours } truly.  Oh, and as for what Santa does for the rest of the year, well } pretty much whatever he wants. } } You owe the Oracle a list of all of the nice and naughty people you } know(you think I'm going to write it out?!), with all of the extremely } naughty girls names and addresses highlighted.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  |O|  O Oracle of the Bits and Bytes and Packets, whose data        |O| >  |O|  transfer rate exceeds the comprehension of system admins      |O| >  |O|  everywhere, who knows all events future and past, please help |O| >  |O|  this befuddled supplicant:                                    |O| >  |O|- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |O| >  |O|  Why is paper always strongest at the perforations?  It not    |O| >  |O|  only happens here in the Data Mines,  but in the kitchen with |O| >  |O|  the paper towels, and in the W.C. with the.... well you know  |O| >  |O|  (some of us still practice decency, anyway).  Why does the    |O| >  |O|  paper always tear somewhere OTHER than the perfs?          /\ |O| >  |O|                                             <N>            /  \|O| >  |O|- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -/    \O| >  |O|                                                          /      \| >  |O|/\                                         /\      /\    / >  |O/  \              /\                       /  \    /  \  / >  |/    \    /\      /  \    /\/\_:_:::_/\ _ _/    \  /    \/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, mortal, I've never bothered to wonder.  I have no use for } hygienic paper, I have servants to clean up spills, and since my } memory is infallible I commit nothing to printouts. } } However, a quick scan of the online Books in Print shows that there is } a new publication which may help you: PERFORATED PAPER TEARING FOR } DUMMIES.  It's in same series as DOS FOR DUMMIES and UNIX FOR DUMMIES, } and aimed at the same hopelessly clueless audience. } } Of course if you were a TRUE hacker you would long since have mastered } the Silicon Valley Slice and the Cal Tech Tetrahedral Tear.  You'd be } able to flick a sheet of line printer paper in such a way that it } would slice through a human body at short range, and you could } simultaneously detach four printouts--two with your hands, two with } your feet--without the tiniest tear.  Master of the ways of wood pulp, } inferior perforations would then have no terrors for you. } } You owe the Oracle an approval spec for a new title, ORACLE QUERIES } AND RESPONSES FOR DUMMIES.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I'm afraid you misunderstood. > > When I asked, "Can I have a date with Joanie?", > I meant Joanie, your secretary (*). > > Can I have a date with Joanie? > > === > (*) Oracularities 541-08, 542-03, 551-02, and numerous wonderful > ones the foolish Priests didn't choose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm... let's see. <CLICK> Joanie, get in here. } } Joanie> Yes, sir. Anything I can do to serve, sir. } } ORACLE> Joanie, I just got this letter. Some guy wants to have a date } with you.  Can you go out on a date with this guy? } } Joanie> Certainly, sir, anything I can do for you, just ask, and } I'll be here to do your bidding with a slaphappy, big dumb grin on } my face! Only... } } ORACLE> Only what? } } Joanie> Well, I've got bowling practice tonight...and then, bridge } with the Wilson's tomorrow, and then bowling again, and then bridge, } and then...well, it's no problem. I can cancel. } } ORACLE> Good. Tomorrow night, then? Lemme just send him... } } Joanie> Absolutely. Yes sireebob, can do and will for my favorite } boss-type being! Only... } } ORACLE> Only WHAT? } } Joanie> Well, I don't have anything to wear...except for the smart } business suits and miniskirts I wear for your pleasure, of course. } But nothing elegant, classy, date-type clothing. Well, I suppose I } could always buy something.  Okay.  No problem. } } ORACLE> Fine, fine, good, good. Lessee...send in%... } } Joanie> No, wait! } } ORACLE> <SIGH> What now. } } Joanie> I just remembered, I have...well, that's no real trouble, } either. I can DIVORCE my husband. It's been 34 years of marriage after } all - we're drifting apart. And the kids, well, most of them are } practically grown, the rest, I guess he could take by himself...or } maybe put them up for adoption. But hey!  On the bright side, I'm } putting a peppy, perky, silly, loveable smirk on that round little } omnipotent face of yours! } } ORACLE> <SIGH> Get out of my office, Joanie. } } Joanie> Yes, sir, absolutely. I aim to please, O Oracle, my Oracle... } } ORACLE> Okay..."Dear Supplicant: No, you can't have a date with Joanie. } She's married, and she's also a real smartass on occasion. You owe } me a Mr. Fudge automatic-drip fudge maker, and a partially deflated } green balloon."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Soluble, who, unlike *some* deities I could mention, can > breathe under water, please help me resolve the following dilemma: > > The other day, I received a birthday present from my fish.  It was a > very nice gift, but, unfortunately, as I possess a large collection of > more than 1600 tropical fish, I do not know which fish to whom I should > send the thank-you note.  The package was marked simply, "With > Friendship on your Birthday from a Devoted Fish."  Such gallantry > should not go unacknowledged. > > What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Write them each a note. } The 1599 who didn't send presents } will have guilty looks on their faces. } Slay them. } } You owe the Oracle a bouillobaisse.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose Thanksgiving meals can never be beat.  And who, when he > doesn't get up the next day, it is because he enjoys his bed to much, > not because of an over-indulgence of toxic substances. > > O Oracle, whose red WV micro-bus is brim full of rakes and shovels and > implements of destruction. > > O Oracle, whose eight by ten colour glossy photos, with circles and > arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, are the most well taken > eight by ten colour glossy photos, with circles and arrows and a > paragraph on the back of each one. > > O Oracle, who doesn't need to sing "KILL KILL KILL KILL" in unison with > his psychiatrist to get a medal for bravery. > > O Oracle, I have a question: > > Is it permissable for me to paraphrase folk-rock lyrics in my grovels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somebody hand me that six-string over there. } } Ahem.  Ahem. (plunk, plunk, plunk) } } You can ask anything you want } as the Oracle's supplicant. } } You can ask anything you want.... } as the Oracle's suppli-cant. } } But if ya break copywright it could be bad, } Besides getting <ZOT>ed, you'll make Arlo mad! } } So you can ask anything you want } as the Oracle's supplicant (it could be risky) } as the Oracle's supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle a cold beer and a signed statement testifying that } you have rehabilitated yourself.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> and the soccer team I am currently coaching during a particularly > oppressive humid bunch of days in August, > > Why do you call it a sweatshirt if you wear it when it's cold ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FROM THE AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL FILES: } } Sweatshirts are constructed from human sweat. } } Hundreds of migrant workers are locked in a room with inadequate } ventilation and forced to work on various tasks. At the end of the day, } the sweat is collected, dried, cured, dyed, and spun into great spools } of sweatfiber. } } This sweatfiber is then worked onto a loom and the sweatfabric is made. } This sweatfabric is cut and shaped into sweatpants, sweatshirts, and } sweaters. Since the same migrant worksers are forced to work on the } sweatfiber, they will generate more sweat and thus keep the process } going. } } This is why sweatshirts and sweatpants never wear out - the sweat that } they generate on the wearer replenishes the fabric and patches any } holes or tears. } } The sweatshop industry is the ultimate in worker abuse. I advise you to } have your team check their sweatpants and sweatshirts for the } worker-friendly sweat tag. } } You owe the Oracle 1 pint of your own sweat (with a lemon wedge).