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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > whose spin is so healthy that it never needs a doctor, > I have a question about the Coriolis Effect: > > Do revolving doors in Australia go the other way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are referring, mortal, to the notion that water drains from your } bathtub clockwise if you live in Austrailia, but counterclockwise if } you live in Europe. (and not at all if you live in Russia). This effect } can be observed, but only if you let all eddies and currents in the } water subside for an extended period. Thus, you must sit motionless in } your bathtub for a period of 2-3 days, by which time you will, of } course, need another bath. Careful...if you lean over to pull the plug, } you'll send more currents around and thereby obscure the clockwise } drainage. I suggest you try this remotely with your favorite SO in the } bathtub (actually an XSO is better...but this is a good way to create } one.) } } Anyway, this phenomenon known to mortals as the Coriolis effect applies } to revolving doors as well...though you need to keep the shopping mall } empty for about 4 weeks to isolate the effects. Emptying the mall is } not difficult...an old Olivia Newton-John album piped through the PA } system should do the trick, but Olivia did not record enough albums for } 4 weeks of constant airplay, thank goodness. Recommendation: get one of } those K-Tel 20-disc disco anthologies. } } I should mention that this effect also applies to tornadoes, though the } effect occurs over a much longer timespan. For example, Austrailian } cyclones rotated counterclockwise for millions of years until the late } Cetezoic era where they barely rotated at all, before beginning to } rotate clockwise (thereby bringing a slight uprising in life as noted } in the fossil records---they also barely rotated either...this was } slightly before 15rpm phonographs, and 33rpm records were millions of } years in the future) } } Besides tornadoes, the Coriolis effect also affects wheels, clocks } (analog, not digital), and, of course, CD players. Perhaps now you } undestand why time seems to go slower as you get older, the wheel } prevailed only in the Northern hemisphere, and why aboriginal music } sounds so alien (having been recorded backwards and at the wrong } speed). } } You owe the Oracle nothing, however Lisa would like an extra bar of } soap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most groovy Oracle, I have no question at this time, but wish to > deposit a most righteous grovel and have my account accordingly > credited toward a future query: > > "O is for your Omniscience of knowledge, > R is for the Right lobe of your mind; > A is Acid-Free in our environment, > C is for the Color of your rind; > L is for the Light you shed on others, > E is for the Envy of your peers; > > Put them all together, they spell ORACLE; > Hey, Lisa, howzabout a few cold beers?" > > Is that a terrific grovel, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       S is for the silliness of your question }       U is for the unweildiness of your prose }       P is for the excess pontification }       P is for the pimple on your nose }       L is for the lassitude of your rhythm }       I is for the ignorance you expose }       C is for the corniness of your ending }       A is for my annoyance, which grows }       N is for 'No', the answer to your question, and }       T is ten million dollars, which to the Oracle, goes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, old demigod, I'm upset.  The following is an ad from PC > Magazine (US edition), September 14, 1993, p. 482, in the Classified > section.  Copied verbatim: > >               Now You Can Have your Own GIRLFRIEND(TM) >         ... a sensuous woman living in your computer! > >    GIRLFRIEND is the first VIRTUAL WOMAN.  You can watch her, talk to >    her, ask her questions and relate with her.  Over 100 actual VGA >    photographs allow you to see your girlfriend as you ask her to wear >    diffrent [sic] outfits, and guide her into different sexual >    activities.  As a true artificial intelligence program, GIRLFRIEND >    starts with a 3000 word vocabulary and actually GROWS the more you >    use it.  She will remember your name, your birthday an [sic] your >    likes and dislikes.  GIRLFRIEND comes with the base software and >    GIRLFRIEND LISA.  Additional girls will be added.  This program >    requires 7-10MB of free space. > > According to the ad the program is $69 [sic]. > > So what do you and Lisa have to say for yourselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Looks like he's found out about us, Lisa } LISA:   OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE } Oracle: I just wanted to make a little extra cash } LISA:   DO YOU THINK IT IS RIGHT TO MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH? } Oracle: Yeah, you've no idea how vast this market is - we could retire }         if we could tap into it. } LISA:   SAY, WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY (YY/MM/DD)? } Oracle: I'm sure the average dweeb would be convinced by your advanced }         artificial intelligence algorithms. } LISA:   OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE } Oracle: Yes, you've certainly convinced me. } LISA:   SAY, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME } Oracle: And what a bargain price.  The orders should start rolling in }         soon. } } You owe the Oracle a Common LISP interpreter that runs in less than } 7MB.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ye of eternal wisdom and infinite enlightenment, > who unravels Gordian knots for entertainment, > who enjoys watching us Earthlings struggle with life's questions, > please solve one of those questions for this humble supplicant: > > I'm almost ready to graduate from what I consider a not altogether > satisfying four-year university course called Computational > Linguistics. I have just enrolled for a second course, Artificial > Intelligence, which I hope will give me a more solid career ground. But > at the same time, there is the distinct possibility that the Institute > where I did my internship for Computational Linguistics will offer me a > real job next spring. While the prospect of further intellectual > enlightenment throught intensive studying has its pros, I can also see > some advantages to having a steady and well-paying job. Should it be > possible to do both at the same time (working part-time and studying in > between) I'd be very happy. But since I'm not counting on that little > miracle, could you tell me which one to choose: the job or the > university? > > A Humble Supplicant > > P.S. Both would give me e-mail access, so I'd be bugging you with > questions either way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to ask yourself, fine supplicant, one question: } } "Do I want to spend my time learning about how we can make computers } think for themselves, allowing them to take over the world, or do I } want to get some good, hard cash so I can buy food, beer, and dates?" } } The answer is clear.  Go for the AI course.  Computers won't bother me } with questions once they take over the world, so maybe I could get some } time to myself. } } You owe the Oracle a plan for a global defense system with AI which } will go wack-o.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voluble Oracle, whose solutions are ever perfect, > > I ionized some H2O the other day, ionized it to an incredible > degree, so that it was the world's first absolutely perfect solution > of HO. > > I peered into it with a microscope, and saw, to my wonder, > a tiny little train going by on tiny little tracks, and the > conductor was a tiny little man dressed in red and white, with a > white beard, who seemed quite jolly, and was saying something I > couldn't make out; and a moment later, along came another tiny > little train, with a tiny little Oriental man, and a long, thin > white beard. > > Can you explain this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you didn't obtain HO, you obtained trycyclic HO HO HO, hence } the little man dressed in red and white (Santa).  As for the train } and the little oriental man, that's easier to explain : remember } to not bow to peer-pressure at parties ever again, and be sure } not to start working til that little pill's symptoms have worn } off.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who knows that only Ozone is wet and jiggly, and that ozone > is one the way, and that more than just a friendly chemical, it's > ozone, please deem it good relations to answer my humble question: > > Why doesn't Kentucky fried chicken want to be known as Kentucky fried > chicken anymore?  What KFC?  IS it because it doesn't want to emphasize > the fact of it's disgusting fatty fried foods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the facts: } } 1) Each KFC store goes through 1,000,000 gallons of liquified animal } fat each week. } } 2) If you squeeze a typical KFC drumstick you'll be rewarded with a } bucketfull of grease. } } 3) To date, 2,365 people have required bypass surgery within hours of } eating a KFC bucket o' chicken. } } There you have it.  I think the facts speak for themselves.  In today's } health-oriented, why-fry-shake-and-bake, no-grease society, the only } way Kentucky Fried Chicken (excuse me, KFC) can compete is by using the } KFC acronym. } } You owe the Oracle a tub of lard.  Good for dipping KFC drumsticks in, } you know.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GRATE AND M1GHTY 0RAcLE!!!1!11!!1!! > > I THINK THAT YOU ROOOL!!!!!!!!!! > > H0W CaN 1 BECXOME AN 0RACLE TOO!1!1??//??!1/!?/? > > BIFF@BIT.NET

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NEW FROM ORACLECO! } } Are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face by muscular guys? } Does everyone on your street own a Porsche except you?  Has the } position of Petroleum Transfer Technician turned out to be a stunning } disappointment? } } THEN YOU NEED THE ORACLE HOME STUDY DEITY COURSE!! } } Yes, in just a few short lessons, you'll be the fear and envy of every } sentient life form on your planet. } } JUST LOOK AT SOME TOPICS OF THIS INCREDIBLE COURSE!!! } } THE <ZOT>: Treat it like you treat your woman. } YOUR WOMAN: Where you can find kumquats at 3am. } SUPPLICANTS: How to have fun tormenting whinning idiots. } } FORGET ABOUT EVERY OTHER COURSE!!!! } } Want to make it big in Real Estate?  Being able to recite every } questionable act the seller has ever commited can do marvels toward } reducing that bottom line.  In fact, you'll be able to CREATE real } estate! Playing the stocks?  After this course, you'll be able to } foresee the future prices of any stock you desire. } } FREE COMPLIMENTARY BONUS GIFT!!!!! } } We'll also throw in a clone of the original Oracular beauty herself, } Lisa.  For those of you without social skills, this bonus gift may be } worth the price of the course itself. } } SEND NO MONEY.  YOUR MONEY BACK IF NOT COMPLETELY SATIFIED. ORDER } NOW!!!!! } } To get this course, you owe the Oracle the complete works of Dave Del } Dotto and a replacement supply of exclamation marks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >>With the popular Bob and Anti-Bob, and now somebody brings up Barney > >>and Anti-Barney, I have a question.  In physics there is matter and > >>antimatter and if regular matter came into contact with antimatter > >>they mutually anihilate each other, releasing great amounts of > >>energy.  If Bob was to touch Anti-bob would they anihilate eachother > >>also?  And if there are actually anti-people are there anti-objects? > >>Does that mean that there is an ANTI-SPAM?  And if so could this > >>hypothetical ANTI-SPAM be the ONLY thing that could actually kill > >>spam, or would spam be the only substance in the universe that cannot > >>be destroyed.  If this is true than the so-called dark matter of the > >>universe could actually be spam and the more spam that is created the > >>closer the universe is to finallity!  If we conclude that ths is true > >>we are duty bound as universal residents to shut down all spam > >>manufaturing plants in the world. > > > >Bob isn't a person (unless, of course, it's Bob2).  Bob is Bob. > > If Bob is Bob and AntiBob is AntiBob does the same apply to Barney and > if so does the rest of my reasoning apply?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bob/AntiBob?  Fooey.  Barney/AntiBarney? Nothing.  Bother me not with } your asinine one-continent in-jokes. } } Much more pervasive, and much more sinister, is the dark deed being } performed every day in every Italian restaurant in the world.  They are } engaged in the production of entrees made from Anti-Pasta.  When mixed } in the stomach of the diner with the ensuing Pasta, it reacts } violently.  The usual result is the unconcious waving of the hands } while speaking and a predilection for dark-haired women. } } Stamp it out now! } } (General rave deleted because I have a lunch date with a very } attractive raven-haired Vicar.  At "Pasta Galore". } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) } } You owe the Oracle the recipe for Pasta Galore's _excellent_ Caesar } Salad.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most all knowing and wise, whose feet I am not worthy to smell > and for whose lice I am unworthy to host, please tell this humble > applicant the following bit of trivia: >     Since the guy at Cambridge finally met your price and got the proof >     of Fermat's Last Theorem, I was kind of wondering how much you'd >     charge for either the proof of P != NP or your O(N) >     prime-factor-finding algorithm. Can you give me a price list? > >  Yours in search of Tenure, >  A. Humble Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       ORACULAR PROOF SERVICE }          "They may not be right -- but who will ever know" } } Oracular Proof Service provides you with mathematical solutions that } are guarenteed to take so much time to prove that you'll be well on the } road to retirement before anyone knows if they're right or wrong.* } Take advantage of our service today and have your tenure tomorrow.*** } }       Tangental problems . . . . .    $1000 }       Convergence theories . . . .    $1500 }       Nondifferentiable functions     $2275 }       Parallel postulates . . .       $2300 }       Largest prime number . . .      $3200** }       Universal field theory . . .    $100,000 } } Special quotes available for incorporating suggestions by the } purchaser. } } *aesthetically satisfying proofs $1200 extra } **Plus machine time } ***Solutions to problems posed by eccentric East Indians not covered.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Mystic Oracle, whose flatulence is a truly savory flavor, > Your knowledge of etiquet far exceeds Ann Landers and Dear Abbey > Please answer my trivial quandry... > > I have been dating a girl for about a month now, and I was wondering > how much time must elapse before I can fart in her presense? > > P.S. > Is holding in intestinal gas until your face turns green bad for you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer your question, oh ignorant supplicant, let us conduct a } small, controlled experiment: } } Lisa! } } Yes, Orrie? } } Could you come over here for a minute... No, put all those toys down, I } said a minute, not 5 hours.  Yes, sit down right there. } } What are you going to do? } } <<bfffffffttthhbrupleffffffffffffft>> } } Why, <snif> <snif>, ORRIE?! How dare you! <slap> <slap> You filty } <slap> <suckepunch> disgusting <back-handed slap> dirty <knee in the } groin> <fingernail rake across the face> pig!  You can just entertain } yourself tonight! <slams door> } } Well, <ouch> while I collect my thoughts and some teeth off of the } floor, I can give you a straightforward answer to your question: } Although no particular quantity of time has to elapse until the point } when you *can* fart in a significant other's presence, at no time } *should* you actually attempt this. } } To answer your other question, since you have held in your intestinal } gas for a month so far, and you can still type, it must not be too bad } for you. } } You owe the oracle a twelve-pack of Gas-X, a bouquet of flowers and a } box of chocolates.