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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who writes everything in native mode, > > I have to use this awful software package from Boulder, > Colorado, and even adjust its obfuscated source. > > I am very sad because Boulder is not in the Mississippi > valley, nor near the San Andreas fault, nor in hurricane > country, so I cannot fantasize a reasonable screnario for > its utter destruction. > > Please tell me how I should imagine that Boulder will be > destroyed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Associated Press) } } BOULDER, COLORADO } } Tragedy Strikes As Entire City Is Wiped Out } } Some say is was just a freak of nature. Others say that this terror was } foretold in biblical scriptures. Nobody can say for sure what caused } several million rabid woodchucks to descend on this not-quite-urban } city north of Denver. Only one thing is certain; there is not a single } survivor. Every single person in this entire city was killed, their } necks covered with bites in the odd shape of the characters ":wq!". } } Police and epidemiologists refused to speculate on the significance } of the odd bite marks. } } A source who asked not to be named has stated that the Indiana } University system may be involved in some way, but would not give } out further details.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one, > > Our president here in the U.S. has been acting rather strange of late. > I am beginning to suspect that when he said "I did not inhale" he was > referring to an oxygen deprivation problem. What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the phrase "I did not inhale" is a tradition that is long } celebrated by heads of state in the United States.  Every head of state } has paid homage to this tradition with the exception of the Emperor of } the United States (yes, you did have an emperor during the early 20th } century. Ask an american historian and they'll deny it, so look it up } yourself.  Emperor Norton I ).  You see, ever since America's second } president claimed to have skipped a silver dollar all the way across a } tossing body of water, it's been considered good luck to have a common } lie to be remembered by. } Surely you respect your leaders more for such phrases as: } "I am not a crook." } "The war in Vietnam is about democracy" } "Peanut Farmer" } "I cannot recall" } "No new taxes" } "I did not inhale" } } You owe the Oracle one of the currency notes minted by Norton I.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, whose party gags are always funny, even if they involve > lampshades, and whose pickup lines are always successful, even if they > involve the zodiac, please enlighten your supplicant on the following: > > What is the best pickup line in history?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best pickup line in history is, of course, FORD. } } You owe the Oracle one 1993 Ford F350 with all the extras.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, sweetest, > Is it polite to boil people in oil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forwarded to Oracle Headquarters, Department of Misdirected Mail } Intended for Miss Manners.  Answered by Oracular Clerk #265. } } :Polite?  This mortal wants to know if it's POLITE to boil people in } :oil?!  I'm sorry...  I've been working all day on napkin ettiquite and } :salad fork placement, but this--  THIS question is the last straw!  I } :don't need this kind of aggravation for four bucks an hour, I QUIT!!! } } Forwarded to Oracle Branch Office, Tibet, Office of Unanswerable } Questions.  Answered by Oracular Clerk #172. } } :Ah.  Dear supplicant, the philosophers have been divided on this issue } :for many centuries, and--  Wait a minute, this isn't an unponderable } :unanswerable question!  This is another random routing from one of } :those fed up clerks in the head office!  Every time there's something } :a little bit too challenging, they toss it my way and expect me to } :come up with some miraculous answer!  Well, two can play THAT game... } } Forwarded to Oracle Headquarters, Department of Woodchuck Control. } } ***AUTOMATIC RE-ROUTING*** } } Forwarded to Oracle Branch Office, Upper Volga, Office of Supplicant } Termination and *ZOT* Processing.  *ZOT* request processed by Oracular } clerks #511 and #197. } } :Hold on!  Hold on! } } }What's wrong now, #511? } } :I think this one is misprocessed, have a look. } } }Hmmm...  Well, it's not much of a grovel... } } :It may be minimalist, but it still qualifies.  I don't see anything in } :there about woodchucks, or the number 42, or how many roads a man must } :walk down... } } }So what are you saying? } } :I think we should send this one up to the boss.  It would be a shame } :to waste a perfectly good supplicant for a mail-routing error. } } }So do it, already.  We're got a whole batch of users to *ZOT* in } }Cleveland, and I want to be out of here by five. } } Forwarded to Oracle Headquarters, Office of the } President/Chairman/Chief Financial and Executive Officer.  Answered by } the Usenet Oracle. } } I'd recommend sauteeing in wine sauce.  It's a lot healthier AND it } tastes better.  In fact, Lisa's frying up a few Oracular Clerks as I } write this! } } You owe the Oracle a side-dish of your choice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose O eclipses the underfunded supercollider in Texas, > whose R marches broadly over the Empire State Building, whose A easily > straddles the Andes, whose C circles Calcutta, whose L rests on the sea > bottom and protrudes into the clouds, and whose E is kind of > regular-sized: > > I was playing with this telephone the other day.  I made a call to > myself and then put myself on hold.  If I answered the phone, which was > then ringing, could I talk to myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *HOLD* } } *click* } } Apparently not. } } You owe the Oracle a new phone.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle; > I need your assistance yet again.  I am  having problems using this new > IBM main frame that my new school uses.  Personally I think it sucks > the large one.  Anyway, I have been using qmodem and/or procomm to > connect with my previous school > Now these people want me to use yterm.  I don't like it.  The only > problem I have encountered with using procomm here is that the + key > does not do what it is suppose to.  It is supposed to clear the screen > or get you out of certain situations.  Here it just appears as a + > character > Do you know how to redefine the plus key so it will have the correct > effect?  Do you know what you have to redefine it too. > thanks in advance b/c I know how knowledgeabel you are and how > wiafter that. > I don't know where that last line cane from, but how knowledgeable you > are with this sort of thing. > thanks,       Mark

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I know.  I know everything.  Next question. } } Oh, you mean you wanted me to tell you.  Well say so next time.  What do } you think I am, omniscient or something?  Oh, that's right, I am. } Hmmmmm..... Okay, here's what you do.  First get rid of that silly } computer with the pre-written software.  Real users don't need that } sort of thing.  Buy yourself an Altair or an Imsai or even an early } SWTP machine with a front panel and about 2K of memory.  Pick up and } re-condition a Teletype ASR-33.  Breadboard a 300 BPS modem out of } parts you find in dumpsters behind the local telephone company. } Connect and debug all hardware components.  Write a communication } program on notebook paper and assemble it by hand.  Toggle it in } through the front panel.  Now you may include and input and output } filters you desire. } However, I find the + key very useful.  It really messes up my } programming style to type x = x - (-1) in order to increment.  I } suggest you leave it alone and find some other key to pick on. } } You owe the oracle 32K of static RAM for an S-100 bus system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi super-de-duper Oracle! > > (cue music) > > I love you. > You love me. > We're a happy family. > With a great big hug > and a kiss from me to you, > won't you say you love me too? > > Barney the Dinosaur

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Stay calm ... just STAY calm ... you have your dignity to uphold. * } } (cue slightly off-key music ... think of a wheezing carousel organ) } } Here's a }               <<ZOT!!>> } You purple sot! } How I'd love to pour some hot } Syrup down your pants } And then cover you in ants. } Sure!  I really love you ... NOT! } } <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>>  <<ZOT!!>> } } (Whoa ... Oracle, honey, turn down the juice!  Eeeeew ... what WAS that } puddle of purple goo when you started?) } } (Hmmm? ... Oh, nothing, Lisa.  Say, how'd you like to go catch } "Jurassic Park" at the AMC?) } } (Sounds great!  You know how much I LOVE dinosaurs ...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I do something that's going to take a bit of time, my > Motif system displays a wristwatch. > The hands are so small that I can't read it; > is it 8:00 or is it 11:40?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Loading ... Please wait.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose spinal reflexes are more ponderous than > my deepest thoughts, please tell me: > Is there a fate worse than Bad Mayonnaise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa, here are the } }         Top Ten Fates Worse Than Bad Mayonnaise }           (or anything else for that matter) } } 10. Attorney for Joey Buttafuoco }  9. Forced to watch Barney videos on continuous playback }  8. Love slave for Roseanne Arnold }  7. Mets fan }  6. Cage cleaner at Jurassic Park }  5. W**dch*ck herder }  4. Security guard on board the U.S.S. Enterprise }  3. President of the United States }  2. Microsoft code debugger } } and the Number 1 Fate Worse Than Bad Mayonnaise is: } }  1. Oracular Priest (heh heh) } } You owe the Oracle a ham on rye, hold the mayo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Comparitively Literary Oracle! > > I just went to see "All's Well that Ends Well," and the title made me > suspicious: Were Shakespeare's play really written by a woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You realize, supplicant, that I should <ZOT> you just for using the } word "woodchuck" in your question.  However, you have presented the } Oracle with an interesting tidbit of information.  Just a second... } --------------------------------------------------------------------- } } $ ls } Chicken_vs_Egg.tex        Origin_Universe.tex   Teleportation.tex } FTL_Travel.tex            P_vs_NP.tex           UFOs.tex } Fermats_Last_Theorm.tex   Psionics.tex          USForce_vs_IMObj.tex } JFK_assassination.tex     sex/                  Unified_Field_Theory.tex } $ pwd } /u/oracle/archives/facts/sensitive } $ cd ../../rumors/strange } $ ls } Bigfoot.txt               Flouride.txt          Illuminati.txt } CIA.txt                   Hoffas_Body.txt       Shakespeare.txt } Elvis.txt                 IRS.txt               UFOs.txt } $ cat Shakespeare.txt } }                         Possible Writers of the Plays }                            of William Shakespeare } } Sir Francis Bacon } Emily Dickinson } William Carlos Williams } William Faulkner } William F. Buckley } Wil Wheaton, Wonder-Boy } Brett Easton Ellis (in a non-depressed state) } $ echo "A woodchuck" >> Shakespeare.txt } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } } Thank you for bringing this rumor to the Oracle's attention. } } You owe the Oracle an entry for /u/oracle/archives/facts/sensitive/sex } that I don't already have.