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} <Priest presses F6; "Generic Life After College response generated.">
}
} Your answer, oh humble supplicant, is covered by the following
} generalized response. Generalized responses are one of many ways that
} we at Oracle, Inc. deal with the high request volumes that we recieve
} every day. We assure you that this answer is in no way compromises the
} quality or accuracy that we are known for, and it carries the Oracle's
} 3P Guarantee: Precision, Profundity, Pay up within 7 days or be Zotted.
}
} GA#6: "Is there life after college?"
}
} It is not uncommon for college students to be worried by this question.
} The answer, while relatively easy, cannot be generalised for all fields
} of study. If you find that your major is not covered by the following
} list, simply send a second request to the Oracle
} (oracle@cs.indiana.edu) detailing your major, and we will send a second
} response, free of charge.
}
} Majors:
}
} Anthropology: Get your doctorate and maybe, just maybe you'll manage
} tenure at some tiny college in the far future. At any rate, your life
} will be dependent on college forever, unless you manage to get work in
} field studies. In that (rare) case, you will still be dependent on
} college for your life, but at least you will be very far away from
} college.
}
} Archaeology: See above, except that your field work will be in either
} Montana or Alberta, the only places with less interesting night life
} than a primitive village.
}
} Astrology: You have been duped by a fake mail-order "university." Sue
} now, and don't worry: your life will never have anything to do with
} college!
}
} Astronomy: Figure out where the major telescopes are and who runs them.
} You already know that you have no life unless NASA starts hiring again.
}
} Astrophysics: Unless you are a tall blonde female who looks like Kelly
} McGillis, with a Ph.D and an interest in naval aviators who look like
} Tom Cruise, you are dead.
}
} Biology: Yes, there is life after college, but it will involve one of
} four scenarios: working with disgusting living organisms with
} profitable properties, working with living organisms that would be
} disgusting if they weren't so ridiculously tiny, working with
} disgusting organisms in your capacity as a high school teacher, or
} working with DNA/RNA/PCR. If the latter is the case, you will also be
} rich.
}
} Botany: You should have been a biologist. At least then you would have
} had a one in four chance.
}
} Business Administration: You will eat well and live better until the
} SEC catches up with you. Relax and enjoy!
}
} Chemistry: Like biology, but your choices are dangerous rather than
} disgusting, and your chances for a life after college are reduced by
} your chances of blowing yourself (and various classmates) through a
} wall in an ill-fated lab experiment.
}
} Computer Science: Your life after college will be one spent largely in
} a windowless room creating applications software. Don't worry: you will
} be perfectly happy with your new life, although others (including
} dropout programmers) may use you as evidence of the subjectivity of a
} good life.
}
} Cosmology: Look to Carl Sagan. He is the one Cosmologist with a life
} after college. Until he dies, your chances of a life after college are
} zero.
}
} Education: You are going to become a school teacher. You will think you
} have a life after college, but your definition of a life is rather
} unambitious.
}
} Engineering: You will go on to a good career after college, but the
} highlight of your life will forever be the day in your sophmore year
} when you and your buddies built a potato cannon and blew three upstairs
} windows out of the Delts' frat house.
}
} English: Once in a decade, a writer comes along who really shakes up
} the literary establishment. Most of them have no formal training in
} writing novels. Sorry, but you'd be best off editing phone books and
} hoping for an early retirement.
}
} Geography: Count yourself lucky if you can manage to get work as a
} teacher.
}
} Geology: Bummer. Bet you never thought that 100-level "Rocks for
} Jocks" course would lead you to your current path, Hm? As you already
} know unless you are deluded, your best hope for a life now is to have
} an interesting hobby.
}
} History: Prospects uncertain, but grim at best. You are pretty much
} stuck with trying to do some graduate studies in the forlorn hope of
} someday being hired to do a job that you have never been trained for.
}
} Kinesiology: You will become a professional athlete if you are good,
} but barring that slim chance, you will become a PE teacher. That is not
} a life. Take up golf and get a job in a pro shop.
}
} Law: You will be haunted by lawyer jokes throughout your life, and
} rightly so.
}
} Mathematics: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!
} OHOHOHOHHOHOHHHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! You math dudes just crack me up.
} No life possible, unless you can make use of your Comp. Sci. minor.
}
} Meteorology: If you are lucky and have a good TV face, ("Q-factor") you
} may enjoy the exalted position of evening news weathercomedian. Pray
} for this, as the other alternatives are too depressing to contemplate.
}
} Medicine: You will be rich and envied. More likely, though, you will
} drop out and take History.
}
} Philosophy: You already know that your life is going to revolve around
} tenure until your dying day, but it gets worse: when you explain at
} cocktail parties that you studied Esthetics, people will translate this
} to "interior decorator."
}
} Physics: Your life will not revolve around a campus, as you will find
} gainful employment (i.e. a life) in the private sector, but you will
} forever be envious of your comrades who never found a life outside of
} the University and who now get to play with really cool Big Science
} equipment like particle accelerators.
}
} Theology: God help you! (But don't worry, he will.)
}
} Zoology: Your opportunities also include working at a zoo, but you see
} yourself as above such things (not to mention in moral opposition to
} them). As for the rest, see botany, above.
}
} You owe the Oracle(LL.D, Ph.D, B.Sc, M.A., PEng) 15 undergraduate
} credits and a list of the ten best party universities on the planet.
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