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} Of course. There's Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, 3 sub-St Peters,
} 12 assistant St Peters, 45 secretaries for the assistant St Peters,
} 112 assistants for the secretaries for the assistant St Peters, 1024
} 'clerical assistants', 35 janitors, a tea-person, a partridge in a
} pear tree, 3 botanists, and 15 aviary attentdants.
}
} It is a little known fact that the censored parts of the Dead Sea
} Scrolls were none other than fill in the blanks in block capitals in
} black ink. I can now reveal the content of one of these forms.
}
} [Start of Dead Sea Scroll #548-A1]
}
} Name: ___________ Age: ____________________
} Sex: ____________ Cause of Death: _________
}
} Questionaire
}
} 1: Did you tidy your room when your parents asked you to? Yes/No
} 2: Did you ever play hookey from school? Yes/No
} 3: Have you ever bullied a classmate? Yes/No
} 4: Have you ever coveted your neighbour's wife? Yes/No
} 5: Have you ever posted a woodchuck question to The Oracle? Yes/No
} : :
} : :
} 5000: Did you ever misrepresent the black stuff under your fingernails
} as something not absolutely disgusting, but coal dust? Yes/No
}
} Interpreting Your Results
}
} Count one point for every no answer, except for questions 1, 22,
} 55, 223, ......, 4998, where you should count one point for every
} yes answer.
}
} 0 - 99. You are a lowdown stinking rat. Go straight to hell and suffer
} throughout eternity in the never-ending flames.
}
} 100 - 999. Not as bad as possible. You still go to hell but we'll
} give you this underarm deoderant to make things a bit more pleasant.
}
} 1000 - 1999. On the bad side, so you still go to hell. However, as you
} were only slightly bad we'll make things even more pleasant for you.
} You may have underarm deoderant AND a packet of PK chewing gum.
}
} 2000 - 2999. Your case will be seen by your local assistant to
} the secretary for the assistant St Peter. Join one of these five
} million mile long queues each for a different letter of the alphabet.
} We regret that we do not have the resources to identify which of the
} queues is which at this distance from the offices.
}
} 3000 - 3999. You are a good person, who has occasionally given in to
} temptation. As it wouldn't be fair to give you all the priviledges
} of the truly saintly, you will receive an out-of-tune harp, and your
} wings will be missing a few feathers.
}
} 4000-4899. An excellent, and probably very long life on earth.
} You shall receive a magnificent harp, astounding wings, and a cloud
} in the better parts of the atomosphere, well away from the Ozone hole.
}
} 4900-4999. You will become creators on other planets. Please join
} the queue over there. Yes, two people do make a queue.
}
} 5000. Perfect. You have done nothing wrong ever. As your reward you
} shall be constantly escourted by extremely attractive young members
} of the opposite sex, who will proffer all kinds of drugs and other
} trendy chemical amusement aids, you will walk through cities built
} on for you to loot, and only the best cars, best houses, and best
} wine will be good enough for you. We acknowledge that you may not
} have the knowledge to make use of any of these gifts, but we plan to
} have a retroactive training instute operational within the millenia.
}
} [End of Dead Sea Scroll #548-A1]
}
} Due to the overhead in handling all this paperwork, a small 'service
} fee' has been introduced. Unfortunately, very few people arriving
} at Heaven have any cash on them due to persistant propaganda that
} 'you can't take it with you'. This has resulted in an unruly crowd
} waiting outside the Pearly Gates, in the (usually) vain hope that
} some descendant will bring a credit card with them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small service charge of 5000 pounds for this
} consultation.
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