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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I get lots of junk mail from nice Americans like REAL > gurus do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's junk mail from a nice All-American Oracle: } } kwljqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq } wqeoikjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdsjadsamsa|l|laks|kaslamsklsaml } a|kjsdak|jdslajksljalskjsdlkjlkajlkajdslkajlkajsdlkajdlkajlkajsdlkajskj } kajdslkajkjdslkjasjsdlakjlkasjd } } kjajslkajlkajkjsajskajasljdkjskkskjsjaljlkajlkajdlkasjlkdsaj } kjasjlajdlkadjkasljsd } } And stop asking stupid questions, my little friend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If the  answer  is  "Joseph  Goebbels,  7  Dwarfs,  500  grams  of >      sauerkraut and 3 spoonfuls of butter," what was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What assessories will you need to give Rosanne Barr an orgasm?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> RN(VN) GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES.  CAN YOU > HELP ME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gladly.  Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'. } It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are all these elephant-shaped flies buzzing in my ears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, this is a most vexing problem indeed, which requires the telling of } ancient history. In the days before Mankind, the Old Gods strode the } earth with tentacular feet and indescribably hideous faces. In this } epoch were designed the elephants and flies, which the Old Ones created } as playthings for Their children. The children killed a fair number of } them, but a few survived and built up a resistance army to overthrow the } Incredible Disgusting Ones. }   When Man was created, he had to throw in with either the Old Ones, who } created him as the perfectly sized snack food, or the Resistance, which } were just a nuisance. He went with the Old Ones, out of a sense of } masochism I suppose, and was slaughtered for his trouble. But a few } tribes of Man went with the Resistance. }   The Resistance had good uses for Man. Man was good with his hands, and } could create all sorts of diversions and traps to try to destroy the Old } Ones. Actually, all they ever succeeded at was ticking the Old Ones off, } especially when men got stuck in their throats. The Old Ones enjoyed the } help of their men, since they were a lot quiter and didn't struggle when } they were swallowed. }   Men became so adept at baiting traps, the Old Ones placed a curse on } them before they left for planets which weren't so boring. This curse } created the perfect beings, in the Old Ones opinion, to taunt only the } baiters with visions of the Old and Icky Ones. The former breakfast food } people were left alone, blissfully ignorant of their lost creators. }   Throughout time, all the proficient trap-baiters have been tormented } in a way the Old Ones didn't expect. For elephant-fly hybrids look just } as disgusting as the Old Ones. (Well, maybe not THAT bad) }   So, you see, the elephant-shaped flies are buzzing in your ears } because you are a Master Baiter. } } The ORACLE has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does VAX stand for?  Also, does VMS have any meaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have been led down a twisted path, my son. You must repent, and } cast out the sinful computers from your life! If you, I shudder to } contemplate the thought, if you are a PROGRAMMER, there is still hope. } Turn from the corrupting influence of the compiler, the twisted } intricacies and mind-decaying patterns of Pascal and Fortran, and smash } your hard drive into infinitesmal fragments. }   For, lo! The words from the heavens have decreed; VAX is the } corrupter, the Volatile Antithetical Xenomorph. Beware, for to } contemplate and speak aloud the formulae of it's constructions may bring } the evil thing into existence, feeding off of the raw forces of nature, } driving your electric bill through the roof, and coming to life within } your computer. It may have already started. Beware! For the screen which } you love may one day consume it's master. }   The way out lies within the second question. For VMS, as the gods of } Nehncumnpupe have foretold, is Versimilitude May Save. Seek the truths } of life, cast out the crooked paths of computer algorithms, and your } soul may be saved. } } The ORACLE has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle ! Please help me with the following: > > My Sun 3/60 won't boot. Instead, it yells: "bread 0" twice and then > remains silent. What can be the cause of this ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh unworthly one, the great, mighty, infinitely wise and benificient } Oracle, whose feet you are unworthly to lick will explain your } difficulty to you. } } You bloody twit, it's hungry!  Do YOU work when your starving?  If your } boss locked YOU into a dark basement, and didn't allow YOU a lunch } break, would YOU reboot for him?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't the polar bear have frost on its nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear little world explorer, the answer to this question is found in } XCLOP, the concise description of all carbon based life forms in section } Xwa of the Universe.  As you are not likely to have it in your personal } library (it consists of an equivalent of 10 billion pages), we, the } Usenet Oracle, will try to translate the section on the polar bear } peculiarities in a language most suitable for translation from XCLOP: } } "De ijsbeer, gelijkend op de zokoe-jfa van de planeet Pqwar bij de ster } XZ-11, wordt de neus verwarmd door een groter aantal bloedvaten dan men } zou verwachten op grond van onderzoek van andere soorten van de planeet } Zooitje bij de ster IT-345.  Dit vindt waarschijnlijk zijn &^%# } (onvertaalbaar) in paargewoonten van deze diersoort.  De ijsbeer, een } niet zo amoureus aangelegd type, neemt het niet zo nauw met } territoriumgedrag en zal, als hij een ijsberin tegenkomt, zijn snuit } tussen haar benen steken, zodat zij sneller zal opwarmen..."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the blue cheese dressing always on the opposite side of the salad > bar from the side I am standing at.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, the bleu cheese dressing represents your Neo-Hegelian } desires for immortality.  Your disturbing misspelling of "bleu" as } "blue" reveals your distorted (and somewhat schizophrenic) outlook on } life: you want complex questions of God, love, and work to be resolved } in simple, bold terms, such as primary colors.  If left unchecked, } this may lead to a Ronald Reaganesque cartoon-like outlook on life, } and will eventually develop into a severe case of Alzheimers disease. } Your best move is to switch to a salad dressing that will not } interfere with your desired lifestyle as much, such as Ranch, or } perhaps a simple, Zen-like oil and vinegar.  If you find yourself } unable to do this, I recommend you stop eating salads altogether, and } continue your search for the ascetic ideal in more traditional dishes } of Western culinaro-religious philosophy, such as potato slices basted } in hot oil, or greasy dead cow on a slightly stale piece of bread, } slathered with a healthy tomato-and-sugar mixture. } } The Usenet Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are females so hard to figure out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The female of any species (that is, any species that has both male and } female) has been divinely appointed the task of bearing and raising the } young of that species.  (Happily, in this enlightened age, some male are } allowed to share in the joy of raising their offspring.) In order for } the female to carry out her task, she has been endowed with attributes } that the male can only wish for, such as heightened insight and greater } intelligence.  Thus, females operate on a higher level than males and it } is as impossible for us to figure them out as it is for an emu to figure } us out. } } Now go kiss you {wife,girlfriend,mistress,mother} and say that you're } sorry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > You invent a time machine now and go back in time one year and kill >   yourself and thus cannot invent a time machine. Can you kill yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my son, you have stumbled upon a great problem indeed. Through the } ages, on computer systems much like this, months and years of inane } babbling has filled the BBS' with thoughts and opinions on the nature of } time and time paradoxes. }   There are a few possibilities which take care of this paradox. This is } on the basis that nature does not ALLOW paradoxes to exist, which may or } may not be true. }   It is possible that you go back in time, and do kill yourself. Since } you never created the time machine, you couldn't have killed yourself. } (And so on) This causal loop is solved by one observation: The universe } is random. Therefore, each time it `loops', things will happen slightly } differently. This will continue until the conditions which brought the } loop into existance, namely, the time machine, is no longer true. On } this basis, it can ALSO be shown that time machines will NEVER be } created, since they inevitably lead to causal loops. }   Another possibility is that you CANNOT go into your exact past. (After } all, you KNOW you weren't killed one year ago by yourself, so how can } you contradict this fact?) What happens is that you go into an alternate } reality, with the only difference being that in this new reality, you } die. The extra self, wondering if he'll disappear, still exists. There } is no paradox. }   There are other theories, such as the concept of healing time, which } the Oracle shall not delve into. Suffice to say, most other theories are } silly or confusing, or both. } The Oracle has spaked.