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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, >      Who make better lovers, C.S. students or engineering students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Engineering students make lovers out of old model tank parts, because } they're so hopeless at women. } } Female C. S. students are really good 'cos they've read the manual.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle I have gotten such good and wise answers from the Oracle > and the Priesthood.  Have any of the many humans you have helped ever > sent a message praising the Oracle for its wisdom and expressing thanks? > I am doing that now.  Is it possible that one day we might see a "Dear > Oracle" column in our earthly newspapers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Standard response 134/as-43B (delete as applicable) } } It is good to (hear/see/be aware of) you my (son/daughter) and to see } that you (appreciate/are taking an interest in/utterly despise) the } workings of the mighty oracle and it's priesthood.  We look forward with } eager anticipation to your (next question/written complaint/civil } lawsuit).  We (hope/pray/beg) that you will continue to find this a } (useful/useless) service and are happy to have been (lots } of/some/little/none at all) use in the past.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the after before thing whenever if in when her the age question > does cheese and if when neither so lemon curry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too bad nothing can be done about you. } But a notice to all you faithful servants of the Oracle out there: } } Never ask a woman her age, or you may end up talking like this guy. } } You don't owe the Oracle any thing.  It must have taken all you had to } ask that question.  (Not this one idiot, her age I mean)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what do we do now, Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, we can do anything we want now!  Let's have a party!  You bring the } snacks:  fifteen bags of potato chips, ten bags of corn chips, eight } bags of wheat chips, seven bags of barley chips, six bags of rye chips, } five bags of rice chips, four bags of noodle chips, three bags of } sauerkraut chips, two bags of marshmallow chips, and fifty-three bags of } okra-n-blasphemy chips.  I'll bring the drinks:  seventeen bottles of } coke, sixteen bottles of cherry coke, fifteen bottles of apple coke, } thirteen bottles of lemon coke, eleven bottles of grapefruit coke, ten } bottles of cabbage coke, nine bottles of pea coke, eight bottles of } whiskey coke, six bottles of sauerkraut coke, five bottles of broccoli } coke, four bottles of iodine coke, three bottles of badger's blood coke, } two bottles of cyanide coke, and one bottle of hot water with small } unidentifiable, partially decomposed objects floating in it for people } who can't handle coke. } } But the two of use won't make nearly enough of a party.  We'll need some } more people.  Danny Quayle is a good choice.  He'll bring the booze.  I } don't want to give him a shopping list, because he can't read.  Tell him } to go down to "Mr.  Alcohol-Induced Dementia", and have him buy one of } everything.  That'll be good.  Liisa had better be there too.  She can } bring the peanut butter and the whips.  We'll get all the Usenet Oracle } regulars there! } } This sounds really great!  Thanks for thinking of i!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's been a really crazy day, and I don't understand it at all, and I > was kind of hoping you would explain it to me.  This morning I was Oral > Robert's cook.  I'd been on the job for just over two months, and I had > kind of gotten used to the prayer sessions and shit.  Well, Oral had a > bunch of celebs, children's-book characters, and Biblical people over > for a dinner, and I served Chicken Veronique -- prepared with a sauce > that's 1/3 heavy cream, 1/3 egg, and 1/3 sherry, and barely cooked, so > it's pretty alcoholic.  Well, about ten minutes into the main course, > Frank Sinatra finished his helping.  I know he's had a teetotaling > problem for a long time (he's been one of Oral's most ardent, if secret, > followers), and I guess he didn't know that the sauce was alcoholic. > Anyway, he got kind of drunk.  He grabbed a gigantic book away from > Delilah, and whacked Sam-I-Am over the head with it.  Sam-I-Am is in the > hospital, and I am out on the streets looking for work.  What's going on > here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tammy!  Tammy, snap out of that!  I know you're going into these crazy } dream- worlds in order to escape the horrors of being who you are, but } you have to admit to it or you'll never be sane.  You actually are } married to that vile perverted choirboy, Jim Bakker, and you actually } were part of that scam he put over on the public.  Now I interpret your } dream-world as follows:  You have a deep repressed lust after Oral } Roberts, and you wish to be in a position subservient to him.  The } celebrities represent the entertainment world you secretly envy, the } Biblical characters are sitting in judgement over Jim's (and by } extension your) transgressions, and the characters from children's books } represent a desire to return to that safe, protected world of childhood } (like Jim's fetal position, only less so).  Now your preparation of a } dish that might get people drunk and cause havoc in such a gathering is } a re- enactment of adolescent rebelliousness.  Sinatra, having once been } the idol of bobbysoxers, fits in nicely with that.  The book is the } Bible, of course, and Sinatra (as a leader of the young and rebellious) } hits Sam-I-Am (symbol of Godless Communism, for as is well known, Dr. } Seuss is a Godless Commie) with it, representing your hopes that } evangelical Christianity will render the world safer for liberty. } } I know some people who can help you, Tammy.  They'll scrub that makeup } off your face and keep you in a safe makeup-free environment until you } recover.  A bit of gentle brainwashing, some psychotherapy, extensive } plastic surgery, crash courses in good taste (they'' train you out of T. } J.  Maxx, rest assured) and singing -- they'll make a new woman of you, } give you a whole new identity.  Whaddaya say?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it always snow on the night when I have a heavy date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You happen to be the current avatar of the ancient god Schneesturm, and } thus have the ability to cause snow at will.  This ability manifests } itself when you have a heavy date because of a subconscious need to } "cool down" a hot date.  Your first goal is to practice until you no } longer make it snow accidentally. } } Eventually, you will develop your powers to the point that you can } summon a blizzard in a matter of minutes.  Once you reach this point, } you can have fun on dates by inviting your date in for "just a couple } minutes" and getting yourselves snowed in (with "nothing" to do). } } Another use is to extort large amounts of money from tourist locations } like Florida, Hawaii, and Tahiti by threatening to visit them.  (This } works especially well if you don't have full control yet.) } } You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself with a date in front of a } roaring fireplace.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just took the unisex, omnisexual purity test and got a score of 26.5. > Is this good or bad? > > Signed, sick, disgusting, and kinda cute.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear sick, disgusting and kinda cute, } } Your score indicates that your purity is distinctly near exhaustion. } Think of it as being experienced.  You've learned how to satisfy women, } how to become the envy of other men, how to be treated as an equal by } your betters, and why sheep always stand at the other end of the field } from the public footpath. } } It's a good feeling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Oracle Most Wise, I am a little troubled.  I have asked you > about a topic, and you always reply with something about sex.  I can > understand that, since my topic is "Supple girls", but I beg you, O > Mighty One, I am not asking about sex.  At least not now :-) > > Now, what I am wondering is this.  You must know a lot of girls. > Whatever your gender might be.  Who is the most supple on Earth, and > what is she able to do? > > I mean, exectly what kinds of positions can she assume, and what > movements can she make, with her supple self?  They must be quite > fantastic.  Please, I am not asking about sex.  Isn't it a relief not to > have to talk about that subject for once? > > I would be eternally grateful if you could just describe some details of > her limberness to me, Oracle Most Wise.  I have this great curiousity > today, you see.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many extremely supple girls in this world and one of the most } supple is Tammy Faye Bakker.  The Oracle hopes that you now see that } this answer has nothing to do with sex as you requested.  (In } particular, the Oracle will refrain from making jokes about the } missionary position.) The suppleness of the aforementioned Tammy Faye } Bakker, the positions she can assume and the movements she can make are } not the kind that one can capture on video tape (as Rob Lowe can no } doubt attest).  Rather they are of the mind.  Needless to say it is } extremely difficult to hold several contradictory beliefs in the } almighty power of god, television and 800-numbers in your mind while } your husband is being carted off to the slammer and only the most supple } of minds can do it.  Of course the Oracle has no problem doing this, but } that is another answer for another time. } } You owe the oracle:  a videotape of yourself in interesting positions } with or without Rob Lowe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened? > > Where? > > When? > > Am I dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually, you may only give one question, but since they are so short, I } will reply to them all. } } What happened? } }   She gave you a big kiss. } } Where? } }   On your mouth, didn't you notice? } } When? } }   In fact, it was just a few second ago. } } Am I dead? } }   Do not be alarmed my son, you are just madly in love.  And a little }   confused, but that will soon be over. } } The Oracle wishes you both a happy time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a strange desire to eat Milpitas.  Whence arose this, and how > can I get rid of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is very serious indeed. } } The roots of the problem go back to the sixties.  As conflict dragged on } in Vietnam, more and more young American men were drafted and sent to } fight against their will.  This provoked many anti-war feelings and } various schemes to beat the draft and avoid going halfway around the } world to have your legs shot out from under you. } } Some of these methods have been documented, such as the "you can get } anything you want at Alice's Restuarant" plan detailed in the Arlo } Guthrie song.  This plan was later foiled by a cleverly placed stupid } movie of the same name which removed the message from the words. } } Another popular way to avoid the draft was to be a conscientious } objector.  Supposedly, having a peaceful, moral attitude and strong } objections to killing things would make you useless to the armed forces. } The Army and CIA collaborated on a (covert) study of the so called } "peaceniks" and discovered that many of those claiming conscientious } objector status were also vegetarians by diet.  Apparently, these same } people who did not want to kill animals for food did not want to kill } people for any reason.  Further study indicated the vast majority of } these objectors ate things like veggie sandwiches on pita bread. } } So the military industrial complex hatched a devious plan.  They hired } chemists and nutritionalists to create a substance that would induce } anger and the desire to KILL KILL KILL.  This substance was then blended } with common wheat flour and used to make bread.  These loaves were known } as "milpitas" just as the military computer network is known as } "milnet".  Agents then infiltrated many health and natural food stores } and replaced the normal veggie kind of pitas with the deadly milpitas. } } The scheme backfired when thousands of hippies, freaking out on milpitas } decided to fight the US government, and the tainted loaves were quickly } removed from the shelves. } } Your desire for these barbarous baked goods indicates that one of your } parents was among the creators of this abomination.  The urge will be } tough to beat, but it can be done.  You may either hitchhike to Canada } and wait for Jimmy Carter to get back into office and pardon you, or you } can fast for forty days and forty two nights in the radioactive nuclear } testing grounds in the Nevada desert. } } Above all, do not succomb to the desire to eat milpitas or you will be } robbed of all free will and join the forces of the new skinhead militia. } Then you will have to hang around airports waiting for a chance to beat } up Morton Downey Junior. } } You owe the Oracle an avacado, alfalfa sprout and jack cheese sandwich } on a whole wheat pita.  And a large carrot juice to wash it down.