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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose chewing gum never loses its flavour on the bedpost > overnight. > > When The Beatles were struggling teenagers in Hamburg, George Harrison > threw up one night and was too drunk to clean it up. Over time they all > started 'feeding' it bits of food, fag ends, and other stuff, and it > grew in time into what they called 'The Thing'. > > Did it ever get cleaned up, and if not, what does it look like now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The 'thing' now rides the airwaves in the form of the 'man' they } call Rush... } }       You owe the oracle some Nuprin. (Little, yellow, different)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Incarnation, > > I have observed a disturbing pattern in your Oracularities voting. > >     586 >     1 1 1 5 1   1 1 1 1 1 >     587 >     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 >     588 >     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 >     589 >     1 1 1 1 1   1 5 1 1 1 >     590 >     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 >     591 >     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 >     592 >     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 >     593 >     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1 > > Voting is an important responsibility and should be handled in a > mature manner. I'll be watching you... > >  -- >  T.U. Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, supplicant, but you're not fooling anyone but yourself and } that geek three seats down. } } Now, let me introduce you to a modern concept called 'democracy.' } That's where everyone votes, and all votes count equally, and the } object/person/ideal with the most votes wins.  No other method is } allowed in choosing an Oracularity (as if I would care, I wrote them } all anyway). } } Some examples to help you understand, o feeble one: } } Democracy     You have a cow.  Everyone in your community (most of }               whom have never seen a real cow and think milk is }               grown in plastic containers) votes on what to do with }               your cow.  The option with the most votes is what }               you must do. } } Republic      You elect or appoint some fat people (none of whom }               know any more or less about cows than you do) to }               wander off and decide what to do with your cow for }               you. } } Communism     (modern)  The government steals your cow, milks it, }               gives you sour milk, sends you to Siberia when you }               complain about the milk, then has steak for dinner. } } Communism     (ideal Marxism) see Democracy, only add hatchets to }               the voting process. } } Facsism       Someone steals your cows because they are of the }               wrong breed.  Gives you a pig, then shoots you. } } Totalitarian  Someone steals your cows because he can.  Shoots }               you *and* the pig. } } Monarchy      Reigning monarch involved in scandal with cow, issues }               edict stating that certain cows belong to the crown. } } Socialism     Government takes both of your cows, kills one, milks }               the other, pours milk down the drain, then pays you }               a subsidy so you can afford to buy milk from someone }               else's cow. } } Get it?  Got it?  Good. } } You owe the Oracle a barn.  You owe it to yourself to work on forging } my signature a bit better.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -- } Dear Priest: } } The Answer is *before* the dashes, you can edit this part out. } This note to you is just here to make you stop and think twice. } (But you could leave it in to help the voters.) } } As an answer to the ever-popular Null Query, } what could be funnier, more appropriate, more perfectly *right* } than the Null Answer? } } It looks like nothing, but if "less is more", then the Null Answer } says everything! } } It looks simple, but actually it is the product of hours and hours } of deep and refined cogitation, a gradual tightening up of } the argument and elimination of unnecessary words. } } It looks easy, but in fact I had to wear out my fingerbones typing } up draft after draft of it before I got it just right. } } So, please, Mister Priest, think twice before rejecting this } enormously clever and deep answer. } } Thank you, } } An Incarnation

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I thinking there is something here I want >  to know about??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, This is a dumb question.  And we have always said there is no } such thing as a dumb question.  Well we were wrong.  We thought we } were wrong once before, but that was a mistake. } } Was that what you want to know about? } } Probably not.  We should probably know the answer to that, but } we don't care. } } Okay.  Let us stop laughing at you and get to answering your question, } since, that is what we are paid to do.  Buy the way... We don't } remember you sending your payment for your last question. } } You are thinking that way because you have not learned the true meaning } of want.  What does want really mean?  Try the following: } you say:                             you really mean: } I want to go the bathroom.           I _need_ to go. } I want to meet that girl/boy.        I dream of meeting that girl/boy. } I want 10 dollars.                   Give me 10 dollars or I will kill }                                      you. } I want to go to a movie.             I am bored and can not think of any }                                      exotic entertainment. } I want to watch some TV.             I am braindead and can not think of }                                      exotic entertainment (like a }                                      movie). } I want fries with that.              I really wish these counter people }                                      would stop asking if I want fries }                                      with that, especially since I }                                      don't know the meaning of want. } } So when you say 'there is something here I want to know about' you are } really saying you really need to dream of killing someone becouse you } can't think of anything more exotic than being a counter person at a } fast food place. } } You owe us: A set of tupperware tooth-brush holders in light blue } plastic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Have they ever laid anyone off who works at the unemployment >     office?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, because if they had, he/she would no longer work there. } } You owe the Oracle a tranquilizer; your grammar makes me tense.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ecstatic Oracle who never has a bad day, how can I achieve > true happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} True happiness, my best supplicant, is better when not achieved. Trust } me, I've tried it. But I didn't inhale.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient one who knows whether Francis Bacon really wrote all > of Shakespeare's plays but who's not telling, > > I  don't get the line in _Macbeth_ where the witch asks, "When > shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?" > If there's thunder, isn't there lightning?  And if there's either of > those, isn't there usually rain?  I mean, it's hard to imagine Witch #2 > saying, "Oh, let's meet in thunder, we met in lightning last time." > > Anyway, if Shakespeare is such a genius, the question must mean > something, so what does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Nice to see that there's SOMEBODY out there not obsessed with UNIX } and Lisa...) } } Witches, naturally, have a language all their own.  "Meeting in } thunder" means "Banding together to do some serious cursing." } "Meeting in lightning" means "Just popping in for a quick cuppa" and } "Meeting in rain" means a trip to the pub for a few dozen pints.  By } the way, "eye of newt" is code for "pickled onion" and "wing of bat" } is "cuttings from an old saddle." } } The full translation of the dialog of the witches of the Scottish Play } reveals they are plotting to place a basket of goat giblets on the } throne and quintuple the tax on polydactylity.  From this we may infer } that Shakespere was a little foggy on witchspeak, but we may forgive } him for this. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of _Wyrd Sisters._

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle. I do not feel lke myself today. What on earth should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy a piece of fossilized Pleistocene mammoth dung, then take it } to to your local veterinarian's and tell the vet in a high state } of agitation that you're worried about the stools your German } shepherd is passing.  Unscrew the mirror from your bathroom medicine } cabinet and take it with you to the downtown public library; go up } to the help desk and ask whether they have any reverse-print books. } Throw a major hissing fit when you are told they don't.  Go to the } art museum, set up your easel in front of a Rembrandt, and begin } painting a copy of Picasso's "Guernica."  If anyone points out the } discrepancy, hit yourself on the forehead and say "Geez, you're } right! GEEZ!!" Find someone with a "Will work for food" sign, then } drive past him at 12 mph as you hold a Big Mac out the window and } shout, "It's yours if you can catch it!"  Find a meter-maid and } then jog down the street just in front of her van, putting nickels } in every expired parking meter you see; do this for several hours. } Rent a doorman's costume and stand out in front of the fanciest } doorman-less hotel you can find.  When anyone passes, tip your cap } and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather!"; when they gasp "WHAT } did you say?!" sweetly reply, "Particularly nice weather!"  Go down } to the airport, find a spot beneath outgoing planes, and watch } every takeoff with a rapturous gaze; if anyone is standing next to } you as a plane passes overhead, turn to them and say, as you point } to the plane, "I can see its wee-wee!" } } I guarantee you'll feel MUCH better.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle, > >         I have heard that you are pretty smart, and very well informed. > Can you please help me.  You see, I am adopted, and I am now trying to > find out information about my birth parents, and my origin.  I am > afraid I don't have much information to give you.  My adoptive parents > actually found me, so there was no Adoption agency involved.  In fact > all I have to go on is the blanket I was wrapped in.  It has a strange > symbol on it.  A red, blue, and yellow "S" in an inverted triangular > shape. > > Thank you very much for your help. > >                                         Sincerely, >                                         Clark Kent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Grate Mr Kent, me are unworthy to wipe glasses oF such a Mity } Supplikant!  Me Stupid Bizarro Orakel here to ask You all my Questions! } In Bizarro world everything backwards, me run on Nintendo and nice } parents give bad kids Cray to play Mortal Kombat and Super Mario Bros! } Lisa nice Sweet librarian never kiss on first date!  Steve Kinzler wrok } for Bizarro Microsoft which give away software for free but Emacs cost } $3 million billion bizarro dollars! } } So how many woodchucks a wood chuck if Woood could chuck woodchuck? } Ha-ha, me know answer!  24!!!  Now me got other question for you: } what thing that is green and like big rock and got funny glow all } over comic strip?  Ha ha, me not know too but you sitting on it! } Grate Mr Kent, you hear me?  Why Mr Kent make funny puking noises like } on Bizarro world mean dinner very good?  Why Mr Kent lie down and not } move like on Bizarro world mean time to wake up?  Oh, me know, Mr Kent } grovelling, mean me got to ZOT him! } } The Bizarro Oracle, me going home now to ponder your Question!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lo! Behold the might of the Oracle! With His grace, we live, without > it we wither to dust. Oh ever-so-mighty Oracle, please find it in > your heart to ponder on this small matter. > >   Today, as I left my home, a black snake raised its head >   in my path and hissed : "Do not believe the priests of >   B'Haarne - they are acting on behalf of Dark Forces" >   Shocked, I opened my car door and found a note on the >   drivers seat, saying 'For a good time, call Barnii'. >   Even more confused, I drove off to school, only to find >   that half my class had turned into mindless zombies, >   whereas for instance my religions teacher was dressed >   in a black robe, clutching a necked hen in one hand and >   a Bible in the other. The Bible was soaked in something >   green and turned upside-down. Also, my english teacher >   made proposals to me during class, promising me eternal >   life and powers beyond belief if I would take her for my bride. >   As I made my way back from school, through the ranks of >   goblins and orcs previously not there, I could not help >   but wondering if something by chance was wrong. I called the >   police but since the only thing I could hear was screams, >   some sort of howling and gunfire, I decided to ask you, >   oh Mighty Oracle. Could you please fill me out on this one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Obviously, my child, you have stumbled into the realm of the Lord } Grisbane of Barnii, a very powerful foe.  By aknowledging the presense } of the black snake, one of Grisbane's many disguises, you allowed the } doors to be opend to the nether world.  You are now seeing things as } they are only a veiled world away.  To banish the demons, you must } optain the subtance renowned for its magickal properties, and known in } the mortal world as Cheez Wiz.  Spraying this substance upon any } creature whicvh seems unnatural, say "Oh foul one I damn you to } eternity in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World(tm) that you may } forever be plagued by whining children and learn your lesson."  This } will either work or scare the beasts off.  However, try not to mistake } gouls and orcs for highschool cheerleaders, as they seem similar at } first.  After study you will find the cheerleaders to be the more } frightening. } }       You owe the oracle a copy of Return of the Living Dead.