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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, what are we to do about cats?  My cats tell lies to me, > and they tell them to you as well!   I asked a question for my one of > my cats, and you replied (in part): > > } [Mrrow, pd pd pd pd Miaaaouw miaoou miiiaouw brip!] > } > } You owe the Oracle a catnip mouse with 3 buttons. > } > } By the way, your cat says you should be a little quicker > } when she tells you to open the door. > > Now this cat KNOWS that she is not allowed into the house AT ALL!  But > she is still curious about what's inside (besides the inevitable cup > of water that sloshes onto any incoming cat).  So you went and > listened to her, and she lied to you, and asked you to tell me that I > should be *quicker* (indeed!) when I open the door *for her* > (indeed!!). > > Do you have ideas by which you and I, dear Oracle, can better tell > when our cats are pulling the fur over our eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (the Oracle's tail lashes back and forth) } } Well. It is good that you are asking questions for the cats who live } with you. However, cats do not lie. Lying requires an objective version } of truth. Cats have a rather subjective version of truth. Human } philosophers are moving towards this, but cats achieved this } intellectual goal long ago. } } I also doubt that the cat in question is actually *curious*. The cat } has alreadly worked out, in all likelihood, exactly what is in the } house, based on observations of the heat emissions, structural } stresses, and electricity usage of the house. Cats are subtle about } these things, however. She pretends to be curious in hopes that it will } encourage you to let her in. It doesn't seem to be working. } } As far as cats pulling the wool over your eyes, though: don't worry } about it. The cats that live with you have a far better idea of what's } good for you than you do. Simply allow 'the wool' (as you put it) to be } 'pulled.' And please stop referring to them as 'your' cats: they live } with you because it suits them. Cats are very proud to not be owned by } anyone. } } You owe the Oracle a scratch behind the ears and a saucer of milk. } (the Oracle stretches out and lies in the sun)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great net oracle, please tell me what it means to be a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I hate ambiguous questions. } }   Q1. What is it to be a human? }   A1. Well, everybody tells you you're the pinnacle of creation / the } apex of evolution, and then they offer you starvation wages to wear a } paper hat and ask people if they want potatos boiled in oil.  So you } sit in rooms and other people tell you things, and you write them } down, and then later they ask you what they said, and you tell them. } Then you get a document written on a simulation of the skin of an } animal renowned for placid stupidity, and then other people will pay } you a fair bit of money to do something totally unrelated to all the } stuff they talked about in the rooms, earlier.  There is not, in fact, } a point to all this.  It's just the way things are set up. } }   Q2. What is it to be a REAL man, a MANLY man? }   A2. Ideally, you'd be Conan the Barbarian.  To paraphrase, the best } things in life are "to crush your enemies; to drive them before you; } and to hear the lamentations of the women."  In the modern world, this } is seldom an option; if you get promoted over the guy in the next } cube, it's considered poor form to kick down the door of his apartment } and gloat over the sobs of his wife and daughter.  [If you CAN get } away with it, go for it, by all means.]  So stick with the crushing } and driving part.  Another Conanism is you must not show pain or fear. } Ethanol helps a lot.  People like Robert Bly will also tell you that } you must resolve your relationship with your father.  The best way to } do this is to have your father die at the hands of another; you then } hunt this person down and decapitate them.  From this we may infer } that if your Dad dies of cancer or something you won't have anybody to } hunt down.  Probably the right thing to do is go find somebody you } don't like and kill HIS father.  With any luck he'll reciprocate, and } then the two of you can fight it out like men.  MANLY men. } }   Q3. What's it like to be a man, as opposed to being a woman? }   A3. It's a lot easier to take a whiz while hiking. } } You owe the Oracle a broadsword, a remote-control TV, a six-pack, and } a tube of K-Y.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose ideas bounce around the universe like some wonderful > vulcanized ball of knowledge,  please tell me: > > These new celluar phones - are they alive?  The name sounds like those > single-celled amoebas and protazoas and planetariums that they made us > learn about in Biology. > > If they are alive, what do they eat? Also, when I get mine, what are > the most popluar names? > > Love, Gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Gloria, in English class they should have taught you about } names like protozoa and planaria. Anyway, my love, I am disappointed } that you are getting a cellular phone. You see, "cellular" refers } not to single-celled animals, but rather to animals with a single } brain cell, like lawyers and stock brokers. } } P.S. We have to stop meeting like this - Lisa is getting suspicious.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HellO and Well Met, UnCHangable WOnderful Oraclular Deity, > >   WOULD A WOrld renOwneD CHampion Utterer, like you, aCKnowledge my > CHance to Use your blaCK aIrcraFt? Ask What yOu wOulD, CHarles mUndy, > my baCKup aCcOUntant, wouLD like to send a CHeqUe for enough buCKs to > cover costs. > > ps > > i Was wOndering, has anyOne ever slippeD you a subliminal question ? > >                       signed - the anti-oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh silly GOose...i do Think that yOu try to Hard...a subliminal mEssage } is Like a Little mosquito bite to YOUrs trueLy...IT Takes LittlE SucH } an InfinimaTessimal amount of my mental energies to notice these little } harrasements....Zo...i think i shOuld just Thank you... } } you owe the oracle, } one good spanking

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Enlightened and Most Powerful Oracle, > > why would a perfectly good battery just > give up and die, and with no warning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good GOD!  The tragedy!  Oh supplicant, your negligence is... } nevermind. There's no time for blame right now.  Try not to get in the } way, a battery life is at stake. } } [Draws charger out, thrusts battery in.] } } CLEAR!!! } } [Turns on the charger, then takes battery out, puts it into walkman. } Presses play, and nothing happens.] } } Oh no.  No sound.  Not one single note.  But we've got to think } positive. Well, positive AND negative, but there's no time for } semantics now. } } [Puts battery back into charger, with a desperate and pleading look } upward to the heavens...] } } CLEAR!!! } } Come on... come on, pull through, you can do it! } } [Moves battery back into walkman, hits play.  From the headphones emits } a slow drawn out verse - "Thhheeee   Riiiiggghhhhttt t } Stuuf.ffff..ff..ff...f...", ending in total silence, as the battery } fades out of this world forever.] } } Oh dear.  Oh no.  It's dying... how terrible... the agony...  Oh, the } battery! } } This is the part of the job I hate.  All that POTENTIAL... just } wasted... and I watched it happen.  Makes me feel so fluxing helpless. } } Nothing can be done for this poor cell now.  It is time to tell you of } your cruel crime of ignorance. } } Supplicant, you just carelessly left that walkman playing because you } "forgot" to press stop the last time you were listening to it.  As a } result, the music was left playing OVERNIGHT, without anyone listening } to it at all! } } No warning, you say?  Oh, how ironic.  Of COURSE there was warning!  It } was screaming for help all night, not only because it was having its } life slowly drained from it, but this was all being done for the } purpose of playing A NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK TAPE!  Talk about adding } insult to injury! } } Much like the buffalo hunters who shot the buffalo from trains to leave } them dying unused in the sun, you are a wasteful murderer.  You did not } kill that battery for any useful purpose, but merely because of your } own carelessness. } } There is only one thing that you can do now.  You must try to make it's } death somewhat WORTHWHILE, and like the Native Americans, you must "use } what you kill".  Honor the battery by slitting it open, and either eat } the contents or use the liquid inside to paint your face with war } markings. } } You owe the Oracle the name of a more recent music group to use as the } butt of jokes than NKOTB.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, for whom the bell tolls and for whom the pizza > delivery boy is there within THREE minutes, please assist this humble > mortal. > > Wherefore art thou Romeo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Hmm... Well, the answer depends on which question you meant. In } _Romeo and Juliet_, the question Juliet is asking really means } something like "Why are you Romeo ?" (as opposed to, say, Bubba or Jim- } Bob). Most people seem to think, however, that the question means } "Where are you, Romeo ?". So I'll answer both. } }     In answer to the first question, they wanted to call him Jim-Bob, } but it just didn't sound Italian enough. So Romeo's mother was } staring out the window, trying to think of a name for the kid, and } happened to spot "Ristorante Romeo" down the street. I know, it's not } much of a story, but weren't most people named like that. } }     As for the second question, well, what Shakespeare didn't tell } you is that Romeo and Juliet faked their deaths (the old retractable } dagger trick), then took of for Vegas to get married. They're living } in a trailer park in South Carolina at the moment. } }     You owe the Oracle Shakespeare's original manuscript of _Elvis } the First, Part Two_. } }     P.S.: Usually the Oracle's pizza is delivered in three minutes, } but I've been waiting over ten minutes already this time. Call Uno's } in Chicago for me and tell them they've got two minutes to get busy, } or face the (rather horrific) consequences.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Suddenly, my shirt was full and my pants empty! > > There I was, peacefully getting ready to go out on a Friday night, > and just like that! I'm a female. > > Well, I can tell you, I was pretty surprised,  but I'm a quick > thinker, and I realized, first of all, I might not be the only one, > and even if I was, maybe that petite blonde down the hall liked > girls (she sure as heck didn't like the *guy* I had been up until a > few minutes ago). > > So, I went and knocked on her door. > > She was a six-foot tall stud! > > Boy did he look funny! Her clothes were too small for him, and they > had kind of exploded and ripped all over! > > Well, I'm as straight as they come, so I had a moment of revulsion, > but I figured, hey, look at the body I've got now, this is what I'm > *supposed* to do, so I said, > "Here, let me help you with that," > > And what a time we had! Let me tell you, when both partners know > what it's like to be on the other side of the fence, you can really > have yourselves some fun! > > Sunday evening, we changed back -- right in the middle of it, > without missing a beat -- that was wild! > > We've been dating ever since, and that's going just fine, thank you, > but there's one little problem, and I think it's getting bigger. > > I'm pregnant. > > What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of Eddie Clontz, Editor } Weekly World News } 600S East Coast Ave } Lantana, FL 33462 } }               *******  SEX SWAP SHOCKER!  ******* }    College students chromosome mixup leaves young man pregnant! } }   For  one mind-boggling  weekend,  college  students  at   a large } Midwestern  university swapped  sexes in a genetic experiment whose } source is thought to have been a cosmic disturbance centered at the } computer center of Indiana University. }   Experts postulate that  The Usenet +----------------------------- } Oracle, electronic  diety  and sage, |   Surprisingly  enough, just } was responsible for the sex-reversal | one student  was impregnated } of several  hundred  students.  "You | during  the experiment.  But } have to  understand  that the job of | now,  experts  claim,   this } the Usenet Oracle is pretty hideous" | student was turned back into } Oracle  expert  Dr. I. D.  Mistertim | a  male  at  the end  of the } told  reporters.  "Every  day, some- | bizarre  weekend!   When re- } thing like  500 requests  for advice | porters spoke  with him,  he } on how to get  laid  come from  male | replied  that he had been in } Computer Science students.  It seems | touch with the Usenet Oracle } that  The Oracle  has taken business | who  advised him to  write a } into His own Hands."                 | book,   hit  the  talk  show }   Some  700 students' sexes were re- | circuit, and  set up a trust } versed during  the  shocking experi- | fund  for  the kid's college } ment,  and  everyone   involved  was | education. } eager to get a taste  of what it was |   The  Usenet  Oracle  could } like on "the other side."            | not be reached for comment. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } ...you owe the Oracle a swatch of fat from Oprah's thighs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, who can speak every known human language and > whose database management tools are to Gopher as a well-indexed > encyclopedia is to a scroll in the library of Alexandria, I beg your > indulgence for a first time supplicant. > > In a recent book about the Internet (I will not give the title and > author, to protect the innocent), a reference is made to "pubic domain" > software. I'm sure many supplicants would like to know where to find > some of this. Being married myself, I'm not (very) interested, of > course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's not knock those scrolls in the old Library of Alexandria.  The } oracle wrote a fair number of them, and, though representing some of my } earliest and least humorous work, I was quite proud of them at the } time. Just goes to show you that even when you make backups diligently, } unless you store them in another location, you could still be up the } creek.  In fact, I was finally persuaded to perfect my zot to deal with } that idiot librarian who paid off the fire inspector rather than } install a sprinkler system. } } Pubic Domain software is relatively easy to come by.  Though the oracle } shares the preferences of the most jaded for hard pubic wear, you might } try world.std.com/archives/alt.sex.bondage for starters. } } You owe the Oracle 500 words on the theme "Spell Checkers no more make } an editor than a Podium makes a speaker"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise n' Witty Oracle, whose answers are the bright point in my > miserable existance and whose scorn is better than the praise of > mortals, please answer the following question for your > oh-so-humble-and-pathetic supplicant: > > There is a day in the future of the world that I dread with all my > heart ... a day which I hope will never come ... a day in which I have > promised to marry a man I don't like, go slalom skiing, take my > vacation in France, go to law school, and eat a dead worm on a bet.  O > All-Knowing Oracle, please tell me the exact date that pigs will fly, > so that I may hide myself away from the world on the day before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh sufficiently-humble-and-pathetic supplicant,  I understand } your anxiety completely.  I once made a statement to Lisa that I'd } take orders from her the day those semi-evolved simians infesting that } miserable little blue-green planet you call home walk on their moon; an } event I was SURE would never happen...  Of course, it did.  And, now I } have to take orders from Lisa all the time. }       I'm sure you thought you were equally safe in making statements } that you'd do something you never want to do "when pigs fly".  However, } you are only safe for a short time.  Yes, that's right, pigs will fly, } without the aid of an airplane or other mechanical device of course, } and in your lifetime.  On August 8, 2004, a genetic research student } will cross a pig with a chicken, as part of his doctoral project.  This } new Flying Pig, as it will be dubbed, will soar through the air, } grunting and snorting and crapping on unsuspecting people below.  And, } it will produce the most DIVINE tasting bacon... }       So, you are safe for another 10 - 11 years, then I'm afraid } you'll have to live up to your promises which you never thought you'd } have to keep...  You SHOULD have said you'd do those things "when } Hell freezes over".  That is a much safer statment, as Hell doesn't } freeze over until September 20, 4042.  And, you'll be long dead by } then, anyway, so you won't care (although it will be a bit chilly } for you around that time). } } You owe the Oracle a Southern Fried Flying Pig's Wing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Howdy ! } Is this the famous forgery of email what I learned on 3. day } since I saw Unix ? } You should try not to send me 2 letters of same kind ! } If you want me to send you something beautiful, like warning } from root, ... } It's not so funny around here anymore. Some have already } received letters from USS Enterprise and so on. } Reply Needed ! <xxxxxx@siil.edu.ee>