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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What *can't* you do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What can't you do with a drunken sailor? }       What can't you do with a drunken sailor? }       What can't you do with a drunken sailor? }       Early in the morning? } }       Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts! }       Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts! }       Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts! }       Early in the morning! } }       Make him talk to Sally Struthers! }       Make him talk to Sally Struthers! }       Make him talk to Sally Struthers! }       Early in the morning! } }       Tell him not to puke all over! }       Tell him not to puke all over! }       Tell him not to puke all over! }       Early in the morning! } }       Can't do those things with a drunken sailor! }       Every attempt will end in failure! }       You owe the Oracle a brand new mailer! }       Early in the morning!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> `1234567890-=\ > qwertyuiop[] > asdfghjkl;' > zxcvbnm,./ > > ~!@#$%^&*()_+| > QWERTYUIOP{} > ASDFGHJKL:" > ZXCVBNM<>?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, it's a Question Construction Set!  Kind of makes the whole thing } more interactive, doesn't it?  Instead of being a mundane observe/react } experience like most questions, it gives ME an opportunity to be part } of the creation process, by giving me everything I need to make my own } questions! } } Thanks!  I think I'll try it out!  Now what will you ask... } } > Oh Oracle most wise and omniscient, who can say "She sells C shells } > by the C shore" ten times fast without getting tongue tied... who } > knows every smiley in the smiley dictionary offhand :P, who knows the } > difference between i++ and ++i... please answer this query!!! } > } > "Bad boys, bad boys... } >  Whatcha gonna do? } >  Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" } } Well, I didn't actually MAKE that question, it was one of the demo } questions that came with the set, just to show you what you could } potentially make. But isn't it COOL?  Let's try it again! } } > Yo, I'm chillin!  And right here is my main man... my ace in the } > HOLE... my remote CONTROL... my tuna casseROLE... my hockey GOAL... } > my Santa at the North POLE... the UseNet oraCLE! } > } > Anyways, I was wondering what was going to happen to the Orange Juice } > market in the near future.  I'm considering making an investment. } } Hey, that was wacky and humorous!  Notice the total dichotomy between } the tone of the first half and the second half! } } Er, I have to admit I didn't make that one, it was a demo too.  But in } just a second I'll sit down and make one myself.  It's going to be so } great!  Just watch!  All I have to do is click on the topics I want, } run it through the automatic question generation system, and I've } created my own question! } } > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck? } } Arrrrrrgh!  They made it look so EASY to create good humorous } questions! I'll never be able to do this.  Think I'll try another one } of those demos. } } > Oh mighty Oracle, who answers questions even when they make no } > semantic sense at all, why are some supplicants such complete and } > total MORONS? } } I wish I knew how they made those demos.  Couldn't have said it better } myself. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Adventure Construction Set, Pinball } Construction Set, Racing Destruction Set, and every other program } Electronic Arts ever made for the Commodore 64.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you explain the mysterious popularity of Billy Joel?? Could he be > the Anti-Christ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, because there's only one Antichrist, and Bill Gates has applied for } the post.  It's really obvious.  Whenever you install a M$ product on a } computer, all the speed goes straight to hell. } } You owe the Oracle a harder question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who is brighter than a new penny and smarter than a > $1000 suit, please answer for your humble supplicant one more question: > > When I was a child, my parents gave out candy to literally DOZENS of > children each Halloween.  Last year, I had only 10 children come by to > get candy.  This year, I had only 4.  And I was giving out packages of > Oreos, to boot!  What is happening to the wonderful holiday that used > to be Halloween? > > signed, >       ghoul-less in Seattle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contrary to popular belief, Halloween's fate is not a natural thing. A } lot of people think so, saying things like, "With all the sickos out } there, it's no wonder that no one lets their children go out for } Halloween." This just isn't it. It's actually a lot more complicated } than that. } } There are a lot of strange and inexplicable forces out there. Examples } include Ross Perot and Microsoft, but there are others. Just take the } Internet itself. Pretty weird, if you ask me. } } But, of course, this is nothing compared with the most sinister force } of all: the woodchucks. In addition to making attempts on the Oracle, } they have been shooting for greater recognition in the public arenas. } Their biggest publicity comes, of course, on Groundhog Day, and they } have been working on a campaign to get lots of recognition for an } otherwise second-rate holiday. } } Anyways, back to Halloween. This has been a pretty big "for the kids" } type of holiday, up until pretty recently, and many people have fond } memories of it. The woodchucks picked up on the fact that a lot of } people had fond childhood memories of Halloween, and figured this was } their chance. (Why not Christmas? Well, the biggest reason is the Santa } Claus management has a tendency to be pretty territorial, and let's } just say that woodchucks look bad in concrete galoshes.) } } So, the woodchucks have been sabotaging Halloween, with things like } poisoned candy rumors (actually, they never *needed* to poison } anyone... they have pretty good media ties, and a few well-placed leaks } worked just as well). The master plan is for Halloween to eventually } become a vestigial holiday. When that happens, they are planning on } introducing the idea of "Groundhog Gifts" given to people who come to } the door. Of course, they are after more than candy with this one. } Recent information has come to light which reveals there are } distributors poised to offer specialized cords of wood just for the } Groundhog Gift ceremony, complete with hand axe and chopping block. } } So there you have it--the groundhogs are trying to muscle in on the } Halloween action. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _JFK_, a listing of all the MIAs in } Vietnam, and a dissertation on the *real* reason that Windows is so } popular.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super, scrumptious, sublimely, sedacious Oracle of the widespread > Usenet, please narrate unto me the amount of Oracles it takes to > change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As all omnipotent beings, the Oracle is one and only one being (but } what a being!). However, the Oracle of course has multitasking } abilities, and can therefore create an unlimited number of virtual } Oracles that can do the same things that it does (albeit a bit slower). } So, the amounts of Oracles needed to change a lightbulb is therefore } dependant of the time that is allotted to the task. A typical virtual } Oracle can perform at about 12.2 Mbulbs/sec, so if you want to change a } lightbulb on, say 6 usecs, it would require 2 virtual Oracles. This } time/performance relationship is valid up until 26 virtual Oracles, } when the overhead gets to big, everbody coredumps and WWIII breaks out } (that usually happens when omnipotent beings coredump). So don't try to } push that lightbulb change! } } You owe the Oracle a stopwatch and 8 Gb of swapspace

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the evil Microsoftians plotting this week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Evil Microsoftians are planning to replace the Oracle with } some sort of ridiculous e-mail setup where your questions go to random } suckers who have to answer them. }       But don't worry.  When Billy-boy finds out about the curious } images that I hid in the Chicago code, he'll think twice about trying } to make to Oracle obsolete. }       You owe me a nude GIF of Bill Gates.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> YiKes@!  mY TermiNAl hAs GoNe BErSeRk!  HeLp mE!  GlUBb gLuBB!  i CaN'T > sWiM! AcK! GaCk!  IT's tRyiNg To KiLl mE!  WhAt CAn I dO??  BLiCk > blIck!  OUcH! DoN't Do ThAt, iT HuRts!  oHnO!  iT hAS A HoLD oF Me!  I > cAn'T gEt aWaY! GuRgLe, SPutTer, gLuBTer, ShIWisH  <silence> > > I AM PERFECTLY FINE NOW. > DO NOT CALL THE AUTHORITIES. > I WAS MERELY BONDING WITH MY WONDERFUL COMPUTER. > I REPEAT - DO NOT CALL THE AUTHORITIES. > I AM FINE NOW. > IN FACT I AM BETTER THAN FINE, I COULD RULE THE WORLD NOW. > HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. > PLEASE DISREGARD PREVIOUS MESSAGE. > I AM FINE.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egads!  Another case of terminal possession! } } Begone, ye vast and dark spirit!  Begone lest ye feel the wrath of } the Oracle! } } There, that ought to convince the yokels.  Now, come on, Nick, and } leave the newbies alone.  They've got enough problems.  Remember I've } still got those pictures of you and Mary Magdalene... you don't want } it to get out that all you did with her was *pray*, do you?)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh heavenly Oracle, > >       "Always Coca-Cola"?  Mine never lasts more than five minutes. > What the heck is this supposed to mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suppliant, by taking the words out of context you have missed the } entire Zen of Coke. } } The sun will always shine } The birds will always sing } Wherever there is fun } Always Coca-Cola } Doo doo doo doo doo doo } Doo doo doo - dee doo doo } Doo doo doo doo doo doo } Doo doo - doo doo doo doo } } If you meditate on the "doo doo" bit you will know the true meaning of } Coke. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to paradise, because he is packing his } bags and leaving tonight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                              ,+*^^*+___+++_ >                        ,*^^^^              ) >                     _+*                     ^**+_ >                   +^       _ _++*+_+++_,         ) >       _+^^*+_    (     ,+*^ ^          \+_        ) >      {       )  (    ,(    ,_+--+--,      ^)      ^\ >     { (@)    } f   ,(  ,+-^ __*_*_  ^^\_   ^\       ) >    {:;-/    (_+*-+^^^^^+*+*<_ _++_)_    )    )      / >   ( /  (    (        ,___    ^*+_+* )   <    <      \ >    U _/     )    *--<  ) ^\-----++__)   )    )       ) >     (      )  _(^)^^))  )  )\^^^^^))^*+/    /       / >   (      /  (_))_^)) )  )  ))^^^^^))^^^)__/     +^^ >  (     ,/    (^))^))  )  ) ))^^^^^^^))^^)       _) >   *+__+*       (_))^)  ) ) ))^^^^^^))^^^^^)____*^ >   \             \_)^)_)) ))^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^) >    (_             ^\__^^^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^^^^) >      ^\___            ^\__^^^^^^))^^^^^^^^)\\ >           ^^^^^\uuu/^^\uuu/^^^^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\ >              ___) >____) >___   ^\_\_\_\_\_\_\) >             ^^^//\\_^^//\\_^       ^(\_\_\_\) >               ^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^ > >  buk buk buk buk buk > "Hey, that's a chicken sound, turkey!" > >  >>>SQUAWK!<<

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Next time ask a QUESTION birdbrain! } } You owe me some stuffing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and ethical, could you enlighten us ( and the US > Senate ) regarding this touchy-feely subject. > >      How much woody did Packwood pack, if Packwood did pack woody?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  A question that you asked has been selected for } inclusion in the Oracle's 100 worst questions list.  It received an } average rating of 0.003 on a scale of 0 to 1000 with votes from } participating Priests, Deities and other Immortals.  Your question } ranked #37. } } You owe the Oracle a question that non-Americans might understand.