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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh great and mighty oracle, keeper of all riddles... > >     I recently learned that an ancient greek oracle divined prophecies > by inhaling gas that came from a deep fissure in the ground.  What do > you inhale that gives you so much pep? > > **BTW, I am, as you know, NOT Bill Clinton. Please try to keep your > answer topical.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hilary, If I told you once, I told you a thousand times.... } }       I DID NOT INHALE!!!! } }               - Bill "Filling in for the Oracle on Guest Day" C. } } P.S.  Almost forgot, you owe the oracle, today that's me, a Health Care }       plan that works for once....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Gracious and Wise Oracle, please tell me, > > Why must I answer questions for You?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ME?  I'm the one who's answering the question! } } Obvoiusly you have no idea what the Oracle means.  Let me explain. } } You see, if the Oracle's questions were all answered by a single } person, or even a group of people in some CS lab, not only would } this/these person/people be overwhelmed with work, but the chances of } getting certain questions answered would be slim if they fell outside } of these people's range of knowledge...  Considering the Oracle is } located in a hick state like Indiana, the only questions that don't get } answered would be woodchuck questions, since Indianans know woodchucks } better than Nature origiannly intended them to.  Questions on how to } meet chicks in the CS labs would go unanswered, because the thought } wouldn't occur to these people to go OUT of the CS labs. } } As a result, the entire Oracle system is spread through an email system } where your questions get sent to people who probably just sent out } the same question you just asked.  And as a result, you get a nice, } humorous response that differs in style every time you consult the } Oracle, since a single supplicant's questions rarely get sent to the } same user twice.  You might get a response from a comic genius who } delives you a hilarious pee-your-pants response AND answers your } question, or you could get some dumb guy with no clue who simply } replies "hay how cum i hav to replie 2 mesages im the one with the } ???s!"... which is usually the case. } } Besides, nothing is free.  If you expect someone to answer a stupid } question for you, you might as well answer someone else's stupid } questions.  If there were just a select group of people who answered } all the stupid questions you had, your sum of knowledge would amount } only to this group's knowledge.  This group could plant messages } in your mind, subliminal messages, that might be a part of a grand } scheme of theirs.  They could eventually coax you into delivering a } pint of nitroglycerin to a parking lot, or they could brainwash you } into re-electing Clinton.  When knowledge only comes from one source, } that source has absolute power, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. } } Another reason you have to answer other people's questions is, } we are all guinea pigs in a sick project by cs.indiana.edu. } While we're running around like chickens with our heads cut off, } answering each other's dumb questions and avenging each other with } even dumber ones, the people at cs.indiana.edu are putting the most } entertaining of us on display, like caged animals, on the Usenet } newsgroup "rec.humor.oracle".  We're performing for them like trained } animals, jumping through hoops. } } Finally, if you're lucky, the question sent to you will have a nice } grovel in it.  "O Oracle whose IQ, if written down, would wipe out } the rain forest"... that kind of thing.  It's a real ego trip.  and } if they don't grovel, you can ZOT them, like this... } }     ///// ||||| \\\\\ }       /   |   |    \ } !!! /     |   |     \ !!! }   /       |   |      \ } /////     |||||       \ } } That's what you get for being stupid! } } You owe the Oracle a pint of nitroglycerin, in the parking lot on 23rd } and Van Buren.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh! Oracle, who has only the finest in brains, courage, and heart, > please tell me: > > Who was the "real" star of The Wizard of Oz?  I don't believe it was > that namby-pamby Dorothy, and the other 3 with her were pretty weird, > although I think I may have dated that lion before. I think the leader > of the munchkins would get my vote, or possibly that guy at the Emerald > City who cried at the door.  Only you know the real answer though. > > Love, gloria

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh, here it is just Monday, and already I've a question } from Gloria -- it's enough to make my bus ill. } } Ah, well, sic transit gloria mundi, as they say, and so I'll } see if I can excel this day. } } The real star of the Wizard of Oz was me, of course; I } suppose you knew that, otherwise why ask? } } What you didn't know, though, was what role I played in the } film; you've watched it again and again hoping for a glimpse } of me, but always ended up in bleary-eyed disappointment. } } Truth of the matter is, it was early in my career, and I } didn't get a speaking part. Well, actually, I didn't even } get a walk-on, you never see me on screen. } } How, then, you ask (and I can clearly hear you ask), } can I claim to be the star? Was it a voice-over? } Did I dub Judy's singing parts? } } No, and no. Remember the scene in the Emerald City where the } Talent says "a horse of a different color", and magically } the horse changes color? Best thing in the whole movie, right? } } Well, *I* did that. } } You owe the Oracle a wheelbarrow of bull manure; } I seem to have used mine all up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, my name is Melissa Geard.  I am a student at Rosetta High School > in Tasmania, Australia.  Have you been to Australia before?  Madonna is > currently on tour in Australia.  Do you think she exploits herself too > much? Also, will I ever go out with this guy I like, his name is > Michael Christie.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like all deities, I reside in a tasteful residence in the north } of Canada. I *know* Australia is a wonderful place, being } omniscient. What's that place I created early on in my tenure as } Omniscient and Omnipotent Deity of All Earthly Manifestation? } Fern Gulch? Moss Valley? Something like that. Anyway, one of my } favorite inventions. I feel moved to recite... } } On her left side the Diva lies } Round eyes and milky silken thighs } She's bought it all, what money buys } Big cars, nice clothes, and famous guys }     And many-towered Hollywood. } And up and down the Porsches go } Gazing where her windows glow } A beacon to them there below }      In old West Hollywood } } Critics praise, employees shiver, } Teenage boys do stare and quiver; } Her PR stunts go on forever } Like a never-ending river }      Flowing down to Hollywood. } A barbed wire fence and uniforms } Protect her world renowne'd charms } From all who'd inflict grievous harms }      On the Lady of WeHo } } Only trashmen, sweeping early, } Unshav'd men, begloved and burly } Hear a song that echoes cheerly } From the mansion winding clearly }      Down to towered Hollywood. } And by the moon the trashmen weary, } With bloodshot eyes and voices beery, } Listening, whisper " 'Tis the eerie }      Lady of WeHo." } } ...well, I could go on like this all night. But let's take a look } at the cards to see what they say about your romantic life: } }    The Cheese-Vizier }       Your future will include an aromatic, well-rounded man of }       substantial body and refined texture. He is best taken with }       a drop of Burgundy, or if you must, a glass of port. Do not }       eat apples while the two of you are together. Remember the }       old saying: *buy on apples, sell on cheese*. } } Well, that's encouraging so far. Let's see what's next: } }    The Five of Tabernacles. }       You will feel an irresistible urge to genuflect. Do not }       attempt to smuggle holy books across international borders. }       A dark man with a thick accent will stumble across you in }       strange circumstances. Luck in times of flood. } } Well, they're a bit obscure sometimes. Were you thinking of } visiting Southeast Asia during the monsoon season, perhaps? With } a load of Korans stashed secretively in your luggage? Resist the } temptation. Next: } }    The Eight of Trilobites. }       You will desire to squish about in the mud on the sea floor. } } Aha! so you _were_ planning on Southeast Asia. And now: } }    The Three of Trilobites. }       You will desire to squish about in the mud on the sea floor. } } Well, yes. OK. Next: } }    The Seventeen of Peanuts }       You are a sensitive person, filled with the milk of human }       kindness. You will attract attention from higher-ups, }       especially if they are ovo-lacto-vegetarians. Beware of }       soiled kleenexes, they may herald unwanted visitors. } } Sound advice, what say? And useful that bit about attracting } attention. Does this young man live on the floor above you or } something? } } Goodness. Where did I put my teeth? } } You owe the oracle one tube of denture fixative.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who knows all things, pray tell me : > >       Why do sheep have short fluffy tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle refuses to answer that question on the grounds that } it might incriminate him.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the differences in who gets what vacations off, O wonderous > Oracle of Trivial Matters and Really Nice Shoes? Some people get > every Sunday off AND every little beknownst holiday scribbled > on a caladen (say like -oh- the Post Office) while others get > only the vacations that cause the Malls to put up signs for > holiday sales -- the Big Ones (like certain Universities who > shall remain nameless). Of course, there's also those who never > take ANY vacations, like yourself, O Oracle of Trivial Shoes > and Really Nice Matters. Why is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Well, I certaintly cant speak for other oragnizations, but ours bases } vacation time on a relatively simple hierarchy.  Heres a list of the } basic classes of employees: } } Class1: }     The very top of the pyramid here at Usenet Oracularities, inc., } this bunch includes Kinzler and other top dogs of the priesthood. } Generally, they have unlimited vacation time, as their only job is } to enjoy the massive cashflow produced by commercial endorsements and } extorsion.  They're generally a rather slack lot, especially Kinzler. } Too bad the poor fool doesn't realize that he only has 2 years, } 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days to enjoy himself... Opps! Forget I } said that! } } Class 2:  The oracle priesthood.  Yes, the usual greasy-nerds-with-no- } life stereotype does apply here.  They get rather liberal vacation } allowances, though they never use them.  You couldnt pry one of these } guys loose from the safety of his (or her) computer terminal with a } crowbar. } } Class 3:  The 'galley slaves' of the corporation.  This group consists } mainly of employees who were caught misbehaving (ie writing Lisa's } phone # on the men's room stall, or posting questions on behalf of the } alt.fans.l*murs newsgroup), or those poor souls won by me from Satan } during one of our frequent poker games.  They get no vacation time at } all, and spend every waking hour (all 20 of them) working at the } terminals they're chained to.  They are fed a single bowl of gruel } flavored with w**dch*k meat (the corpses are easily gathered from the } perimeter of the main compound's external security system) each day and } are cleansed and de-loused every sunday.  Their work consists of, for } the most part, writing cheap and pointless answers to questions not } deemed worthy of my attention (was this really written by the Oracle } himself? Haha! You'll never know!!). } } This, as I said earlier, is a _very_ basical framework for the work } hierarchy here.  A complete list of the positions here at Usenet } Oracularities would be several volumes long. I hope that this has } enlightened you some, mortal. } } You owe the oracle a completed application for the position of } 'assistant woodchuk grinder' here at Usenet Oracularities.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Wise and Cool Oracle, Please Answer this simple question for me: > > How can I overcome my writers' block?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider.  Writer's block is the psycholinguistic analogue of } constipation.  To treat constipation, what do you do?  Consume a } diet high in fiber: crude, indigestible material which in itself } provides nothing of nutritional value but which facilitates peristaltic } action.  Now, what would be the linguistic equivalent of non-nutritive } fiber? } } Legal documents, of course. } } So the cure is for you to enroll in law school.  In short time your } writer's block will be cured, and you will be producing voluminous } quantities of prose on a regular basis.  Analogous in shape, texture, } odor, and social utility to the product of peristaltic action--but then } you DID want to be unblocked. } } You owe the Oracle your first-born child.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me truely, oh wise one, for I am in sore need: > > Why do I spend so much time on the Internet, instead of getting a real > life like all those people in the shows on cable TV?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  You are a boring supplicant, and you should grovel more.   I'm feeling } particularly benevolent today, so I'll let you in on a big secret... } ...cable tv is the antichrist, and should be stopped at all costs.  The } people you see there are propaganda devices employed to make the real } people who run the planet, the intelligentsia, feel like they should } have social lives.  These propaganda machines also serve the function } of making the boring pretariate look up to the ideals of cable tv. } This makes them work even harder.  Look at what cable tv has given } us...  or rather, who.. Pauly Shore, the Bobbitts, Conan O'Brian, and } the ringleader of them all, the king of the deviants, pedophile } supreme, Satan himself:  BARNEY! Barney is evil.  Barney is bad. } Barney epitomizes cable tv.  When Beavis & Butthead made that } five-year-old burn down his trailer, kill his sister, and put warnings } in the beginning of the show,  **it was at the evil command of Barney** }  In order to crush evil, we must crush Barney. Avoid cable tv.  If you } ever look at a CRT that has been infected with the essence of evil, } cable tv, I order you to give youlf 20 lashes with a bicycle chain, } while singing `I love you, You love me, we're a dysfunctional family'. } You owe the Oracle five minutes of advertising space during the } superbowl, a Ford Cortina, and a way to stop all this annoying line } noise.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, whose tusks are always looser, > > One of my favorite songs sung by Groucho is > "Whatever it is, I'm against it", from the movie Horsefeathers. > > Now I hear it's being re-recorded and released as a single > by Bob Dole, > on the flip side of "Tax and Spend". > > What further developments can we expect in political music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look for these coming soon to the Politics section of your local music } store from Sound Bite Records. } }    ARTIST:  Ann Richards, governor of Texas }    TITLE:  Collider Slippin' Away }    DESCRIPTION:  Country album.  Includes title song about the death of } the superconducting supercollider; "Do we Hafta NATFA?"; "Aikman Breaky } Heart" (about the Dallas Cowboys); "Friends in High Places" (about Bill } Clinton). } }    ARTIST:  Bob Packwood, senator, R-Ore. }    TITLE:  "Somebody's Watchin' Me" b/w "Twenty-Eight Princesses" }    DESCRIPTION:  Pop single } }    ARTIST:  Janet Reno, attorney general }    TITLE:  These Boots Are Made for Walkin' }    DESCRIPTION:  Rock album including "Turn It Down (Or I'll Turn It } Off)"; "No Automatics for the People"; "The Ballad of NYPD Blue"; and } "In the Name of Law" } }    ARTIST:  Socks the Cat }    TITLE:  Sock's Favorites Volume 1. }    DESCRIPTION:  Compilation of cheesy pop songs plus two versions of } "Jingle Bells"--one performed by dogs and the other by cats. } }    ARTIST:  Warren Christopher, secretary of state }    TITLE:  "I Don't Get No Respect" b/w "What the Hell Are We Doing In } This Awful Place?" }    DESCIPTION:  In this blues single Christopher sings about his } foreign policy experiences. } }    ARTIST:  Ross Perot }    TITLE:  It's That Simple }    DESCRIPTION:  Rap album including "Talk Show Rappin'"; "Say Goodbye } to Your Jobs"; "Whoomp! Here I Am"; and "I'm All Ears (Talk to Me)" } }    ARTIST:  Hillary Rodham Clinton }    TITLE:  I Got the Power }    DESCRIPTION:  Pop/dance EP, including title song; "Don't Worry Be } Happy (We'll Take Care of Everything)"; and ""People Are Still Having } Unprotected Sex." } } Lisa insisted that I include the following even though it won't be } available until March 1994. } }    ARTIST:  Al Gore, vice-president }    TITLE:  "Enter Rainforest Man" b/w "We're Gonna Reinvent This } Government" and "Here Comes the Acid Rain" }    DESCRIPTION:  Heavy-metal single } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _Rolling Stone_'s Year In Review issue and } a new set of tusks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who, if He ever needed to look > for a job, which would never happen, except by > His choice, because no one would dare fire Him, > would have no trouble finding a new one, please > answer the query of this pitiful mortal. > > Is there a creative way to work the phrase > "Problem Flatulence" into my resume which > will ensure that I get a job?  I'm a CS > major, if it matters. > >       I remain, >       Fractional Wes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. } } \fBPapers Presented\fR } }    "A Fractal Model of Problem Flatulence, with Suggestions for Real- }        Time Terrain Modelling."  3rd Annual International Conference }        on Fractal Representation, Indianapolis, Indiana, 5 August - }        8 August 1993.