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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle looks, and what might thy see > With vision so cleer, that takes in a scene > Of pitiful supplicants, begging to ask > For a second of Oraclur time for a task > That has no meaning, to such a great being > But for us poor supplicants, pathetically bleating > Like ignorant sheep, when we ask a question > Like the next one, I'm going to menition > Our lives can be changed, by an Oraclur word > The most magnificent wisdom, that we've ever heard. > > Oracle, what's the best use for far too many chocolate cupcakes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have decided to Destroy the World with a Plague of Organic Food! } It shall be Crunchy for fourty hours and fourty minutes! } But Thou I shall save! } Go thou and collect ten thousand thousand chocolate cupcakes! } Build thou an Arch of cupcakes, gluing them together with Spam! } Go thou to and for in the world, and up and down in it, } And collect two of each kind of candy! } Sample-size and king-size shalt thou collect them! } Under the arch shalt thou stash them!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                  Buckingham Palace >                                                  London >                                                  England > Dear Mr Oracle, > > As it has been some time since we last met, we would be most grateful > if you would accept our invitation to a Gala Ball which we are planning > as part of our Christmas celebrations, on December 23 at 8pm for > 8.30pm. > > It will be an informal evening, just ourselves and the family and a few > hundred highly regarded and important guests. > > Everyone, including ourselves, will be coming in fancy dress. > > We do hope that you will be able to attend. > > Regally yours, > > Elizabeth R > > PS. We are sure that you will appreciate that, in our position, it > would not be appropriate for us to grovel to you personally. However, > we have instructed our personal private secretary to send you a number > of carefully authored grovels under separate cover. These should be > with you soon. > > We know how important grovels are to you. Since our last request to > you, (if you recall, we asked whether it would be reasonable for us to > pay taxes to ourselves) when we omitted to grovel at all, we, and the > country as a whole, have paid most dearly. You will, no doubt, be > pleased to learn that the repairs to the damage you inflicted on > Windsor Castle are proceeding satisfactorily.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Majesty, } } It would be a true honor to attend the Gala. However, it is deepest } regret I must make one stipulation. I seem to recall that last time, } Your Majesty had also invited the Woodchuck. I apologize for my } behaviour on that occasion, and hope that the additional damages to } London from the ensuing explainations are minor. However, I must insist } that the Woodchuck not attend. I believe that Your Majesty can } understand my request. } } That aside, I would be delighted to attend. My staff has picked out an } incarnation I believe would be most apropos for the occasion, and will } be sending Your Majesty's staff a physical description shortly, in } order to avoid confusion. } } Immortally Yours, } The Usenet Oracle } } Postscript: Does this invitation extend also to Lisa?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long after extended aerobic exercise should you consume food, and > what types of foods are recommended?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha! Another question-within-a-question! Now let's see... } } If I read you correctly, your real question goes something like this: } } > I'm a 25 stone porker. I love food and hate exercise. I would rather } > eat than run or play exhaustive games or swim or anything tiring like } > that. I would rather sit and eat than do anything else in fact. I } > adore chocolate and beer and cream and hamburgers and fries and } > pancakes and pastries and nuts and M & M's and more chocolate and } > banana souffles and steaks and more chocolate and cheese and crusty } > bread and sausages and yet more chocolate and more fries with lots } > and lots of sauce on and pizza and iced cakes and dark chocolate and } > lobster tails and.. and.. and.. my girlfriend says she'll leave me if } > I don't lose a lot of weight real FAST! Is there a compromise? } } No. } } Damn! Where is that waitress?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                  Buckingham Palace >                                                  London >                                                  England > Dear Mr Oracle, > > As it has been some time since we last met, we would be most grateful > if you would accept our invitation to a Gala Ball which we are planning > as part of our Christmas celebrations, on December 23 at 8pm for > 8.30pm. > > It will be an informal evening, just ourselves and the family and a few > hundred highly regarded and important guests. > > Everyone, including ourselves, will be coming in fancy dress. > > We do hope that you will be able to attend. > > Regally yours, > > Elizabeth R > > PS. We are sure that you will appreciate that, in our position, it > would not be appropriate for us to grovel to you personally. However, > we have instructed our personal private secretary to send you a number > of carefully authored grovels under separate cover. These should be > with you soon. > > We know how important grovels are to you. Since our last request to > you, (if you recall, we asked whether it would be reasonable for us to > pay taxes to ourselves) when we omitted to grovel at all, we, and the > country as a whole, have paid most dearly. You will, no doubt, be > pleased to learn that the repairs to the damage you inflicted on > Windsor Castle are proceeding satisfactorily.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                               Bitnerd Hall }                                               Indiana University }                                               Bloomington, IN USA } Her Most Royal Majesty Elizabeth, Regina } Buckingham Palace } London, England UK } } Your Majesty, } } I thank you for the invitation to your ball.  As I realize how } important this is to you, Lisa and I are glad to accept.  I trust you } shall find stunning the diamond-studded Christian Dior formal gown } that I have elected to wear to the occasion.  I must warn you, } however, that Lisa will not be outshone at an occasion such as } this--her idea of 'fancy' may be 'actually wearing clothes.'  Might I } suggest that you alert the palace guards of the possibility of } rioting?  And might I also suggest that this time you use eunuchs? } } Very all-knowingly yours, } } Usenet O } } PS The grovels were excellently done.  Tell Mr Rushdie that he has } outdone himself.  In exchange, I give you this: the surveyors } sometimes use cameras on those tripods.  Don't let them give you any } lip about "surveying the showers." } } UO.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, dear supplicant, time dilations have nothing to do with this - you > are merely suffering from a schitzoid delusion. I am in fact you, and > you are me. Is it clear now? Nice grovel, mind. > > You owe the Oracle his identity back.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Majestic Lordly Funky Dude Great Completely Brilliant and Utterly } Deserving of Every Conceivable Groovy Event Happening To Him Seventy } Thousand Times Per Second Simultaneously, please answer this rather } strange question. } } Every alternate day when I wake up, instead of being in my gritty bed } in a one bedroom flat next to the train line with only the rats for } company, I find myself in a Huge Palace On A Mountain, luxuriating in a } feather bed. The sheets have this big 'Orrie' stitched into them.  And } there's this Woman there.......she can do this } thing....with.....um....*groan*.  There's this big terminal with } questions rolling by, that I seem compelled to answer all the time. } What's happening ?  Is this some weird time travel thing with a future } self of mine ?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes > Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; > Less dear than army ants in apple pies > Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, > Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; > Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose > They suck, and like the double-breasted suit > Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, > Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; > And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: > Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; > Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. > Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, > Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's what I get for trying to scam on a Muse.  *sigh*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently I've had several entries in the Oracularities. > I was very disappointed in the ratings I got. > Then I saw 562-06, which got a 3.9 despite not being funny at all. > Apparently, there are 28 voters who like Bullmoose or whatever. > > F*** the voters! > My new goal in life is > to get my contributions chosen by the priests, > who have a more elevated sense of humor than the voters, > while at the same time collecting as many low votes as possible from > the voters. > > So far, this question seems like a pretty good start, at least I > know it won't get very many '5' votes. > > Oh, yeah, better ask a question. Um, > Hey, how about them Bulls? > > There, that oughta do it. Be sure not to mention Roger and Bulls**t > in your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my priests compete among themselves to see who can select the } "best" Oracularities from the megabytes of chaff.  Ergo, they are } unlikely to throw themselves behind text that appeals to them, but } which they know will be panned by the readership. } } If you want to boost your ratings with the laity, here are some hints: } }   Message from trinity@seventh.heaven.org on console at 16:24 ... }   MESSAGES FROM DEITIES ARE ALWAYS GOOD.  THE GREAT THING ABOUT THIS }   TECHNIQUE IS IT SATISFIES THE NEED FOR A GEEK-ESOTERIC ELEMENT IN THE }   ORACULARITY WITHOUT RUINING THE FLOW OF RESPONSE.  SO EVEN IF YOU SEE }   NO REASON WHY THE ALMIGHTY SHOULD INTEREST HIMSELF IN THE MATTER AT }   HAND, GIVE HIM A LINE. } }   Message from gaia@biosphere.earth.org on console at 16:25 ... }   The amazing thing is, nobody even *uses* `write' any more-- many }   readers have never *seen* a live write message!  Still, "Message from" }   is an official Oracularity convention. } } > use zork } You use "zork" references in your Oracularity.  The rating is 4.3. } > quit } <iuvax> 5643564 ~% unixisms -gratuitous < Answer.draft | \ }                    mail -s "answer #Qa06535" oracle@cs.indiana.edu } }   Message from kinzler on ttyp4 at 16:28 ... }   Joke about Kinzler, the Priesthood, and the institution of the Oracle }   itself, but remember that there are a few "traditional" elements that }   are now deprecated.  ZOT jokes, grandiose claims of omnipotence, }   no-grovel flames, and complicated-humiliating-ritual gags are now }   recognized as cheap ways to cope with writer's block.  The whole }   net.whatever.god thing has (thankfully) died a natural death, and even }   Lisa is on the way out. } } PICARD : We must insert parodies of classic geek discourse. } DATA   : What is "classic geek discourse", Captain? } PICARD : That body of comedy and drama beloved by technoswine.  It }          is part of what makes us human. } DATA   : I see.  Such as Monty Python, Jay Ward cartoons, Douglas }          Hofstadter, MST3K, Ren and Stimpy . . . } TROI   : Oh, shut up, Data. } } See how easy it is?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Harbinger of all that is Hip, > Genie of all that is Groovy, > Reichfuhrer of all that is Right On... > > Why am I seeing people in sandals and bell-bottoms again? (Not just > burned out hippies either, but fashion supermodels male and female, as > well as people I used to consider just normal folks!)  Does this mean > that my silk shirts will soon be (once again) the envy of the C.S. lab?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your insights into the workings of fashion impress the mighty Oracle, } who has seen sandals pass in and out of favor many thousands of times. } } Indeed, there was a period in ancient Greece, much forgotten, when } foolish Crito introduced buskins to the Athenians, and they were } all the rage for a decade.  Ah, how foolish men can be.  Of course, } sandals returned to favor. } } But I digress from satiating your desire for knowledge of fashion's } cycles. } } While it is true that everything comes and goes from fashion, you } should not expect that your C.S. lab be in the correct decade.  In } fact, when your silk shirts *do* come back into fashion, no one in your } lab would want anything to do with them.  This Sage Oracle knows in } fact that Dr. Peters, who sits in the back left corner of your lab, is } quite envious of your silken garments. } } An old episode of Barney Miller (from which the Oracle gains much } knowledge) told of this situation quite ironically.  One of the more } fashion-conscious officers made this remark to this effect: "Did you } see the tie on that turkey?  God, those little narrow ties have been } out for years.  I wouldn't even wear one of those if narrow LAPELs came } back in style! Hah!" } } And so it goes.  (of course, we can expect police to be 3-5 years } behind the fashion as well).  Little did he know that his leisure-suit } lapels and cummerbund-width ties would become the object of mockery for } decades to follow.  As I peer into the future, I can see it all } happening again. } } Despair not.  Fashion need not be watched closely.  Wear what you feel } is right.  And don't worry.  In your office, fashion couldn't POSSIBLY } be important. } } For my intellectual and spiritual services I ask two bug-fixes and } one new version release (of course it can be up to six months late). } } -- Your wise and hep Oracle...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh way cool froopy hoopster Oracle, > Who actually knows what that means, > And has a 256-bit data path, > Grant me, a lowly freshman, an answer to this humble Oracularity: > > What can I do about my phone bill?  It's bigger than the US national > debt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Judging from recent history, you have several options: } } 1) (The Fidel Castro) }    Get a rival telephone country to back your revolution. Nationalize }    your phone company. Burn the records. Let birds nest in your beard. } } 2) (The Ronald Reagan) }    Open a pension fund off the books, float a gigantic bond issue }    purchased mostly by the pension fund, and pay the phone bill with }    the proceeds. Let your kids worry about paying off the bonds. } } 3) (The Ollie North) }    Do your duty as you see it. Shred your phone bill. Hint that you }    can finger the President. Wear all your medals. Plead the Fifth. }    Get immunity from prosecution. Claim you're the fall guy. Run for }    office. Let it get lost in the smoke and mirrors. } } 4) (The Robert Maxwell) }    Call your phone bill an empire. Split it into many interlocking }    phone bills. Buy the phone company with junk bonds. Die. Let your }    banks deal with it. } } 5) (The Bank of Ukraine) }    Declare your independence. Invent a currency. Print lots of it. }    Send it to the phone company. If they don't like it, threaten not }    to give up your nukes. Let your economy go belly up. } } 6) (The Christine Todd Whitman) }    Phone bill? What phone bill? } } You owe the Oracle a new election in New Jersey.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o oracle, with your nose so bright, > won't you guide my sleigh tonight? > > -santa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AIEEE!!!!!  My *nose*!  It is set aflame!  Aieee!  I must fly 'round } and 'round the world.