613-07 (288ie dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> To: The Usenet Oracle Company, Inc.
> From: Det norske Veritas (DnV)
> Date: 15 December 1993
> Re: Results of your ISO 9000 certification audit
> We regret to inform you that your company did not pass our recent
> audit, and will not be certified as compliant with the quality
> processes outlined by the ISO 9001 standard. Your company's score on
> the audit was among the lowest in recent memory.
> Our auditors found little evidence that your processes to ensure
> quality merchandise and customer service *exist*, much less that they
> are being followed by members of your staff. To be specific, we found
> problems in each of the following areas:
> * PERSONNEL. None of the priests that we interviewed appeared to
> have a fixed process for selecting Oracularities, nor could they
> identify a process for timely resolution of customer complaints.
> In fact, all of the priests we observed during our site visit
> appeared to be either sleeping in front of their terminals or
> making paper airplanes (with the single exception of David Sewell,
> who was composing poetry about a woman named Lisa). When asked to
> fill out a questionnaire pertaining to their job functions, three
> priests appeared unable to comprehend the request, five made
> paper airplanes, and the remainder approved the questionnaire
> for inclusion in the next Digest.
> * INVENTORY CONTROL. In spite of the enormous size of the warehouse
> containing goods and services collected from customers, there is
> no standardized process for inventory control. Apparently only
> the Oracle Himself, being omniscient, can locate goods in the
> warehouse with any degree of success. Further, some areas of the
> warehouse, particularly the animal storage pens, represent an
> active hazard to life and limb: One of our auditors was attacked
> and eaten by a "velociraptor", which caused a three-week delay in
> the completion of the audit and a severe case of indigestion for
> the animal.
> * QUALITY CONTROL. The consistency of answers provided by the
> Oracle during our on-site inspection showed a startling lack of
> quality control processes -- answers were often incomplete, poorly
> phrased, abrasive, abusive, lacking proper grammar, denigrating to
> minorities or ethnic groups (particularly New Zealanders) and in
> some cases could prove fatal if actually carried out by the
> supplicant. No person or employee was willing to take
> responsiblity for the overall quality of the answers provided; an
> elderly janitor named Kinzler took ownership of the distribution
> process, but could not show any quality records or documentation
> to verify this claim.
> * CUSTOMER SERVICE. In no area was the lack of process more evident
> than in the field of customer satisfaction, a concept which
> appears to be entirely foreign to The Usenet Oracle Company.
> Several patrons reported that they had received one or more
> painful electric shocks in response to complaints about the
> quality of Oracular services, and there were also many reports of
> customers being "roughed up" by agents of the Oracle's payment
> collection offices.
> In conclusion, we wish to emphasize that your quality control processes
> are among the worst any of us can ever remember thinking about. We
> hope that the findings in this report result in the improvement (or
> creation, as the case may be) of processes to ensure customer
> satisfaction and to provide a consistent level of quality in your
> products and services.
> Magnus Afidjnkassen
> Lead Auditor, Det norske Veritas
} To: Det notske Veritas (DnV)
} From: The Usenet Oracle Company, Inc.
} Date: 17 December 1993
} Re: ISO 9000 certification audit
} With regards to your recent audit, I would like to respond to
} some of the problems you encountered. To wit:
} The priesthood should have forwarded your questionnaire to me for
} answering before including it in the next digest, or making it into a
} paper airplane (paper airplane sending and recieving being another,
} little known way that I answer questions). I appologize, and they have
} been instructed not to include questions without responses in the
} Had the inventory auditor followed the map he was given, he would
} not have been eaten by the velociprator and caused that animal's
} indigestion. If he had taken the 19674-th left turn instead of the
} 19675-th left turn, as he had been told to, he would have been eaten by
} a Tyrannosaur instead, which would have had no problems.
} Whereas I am a being of infinite inteligence, of course there can
} be no consistency in the answers, as infinite inteligence results in an
} infinite number of personalities. As for Mr. Kinzler's distribution
} system, it falls into two categories: internet and paper airplane. As
} of present date, no govenrment agency in charge of air traffic
} regulation requires flight plans for birds, bees, or paper airplanes,
} and thus we need not keep logs. The internet being a mass halucination,
} it does not really exist, and again we need not keep logs.
} As for the electric shock complaints, this was a temporary
} problem from a set of downed generators. Full power has been restored,
} and we do not expect to be hearing any more complaints about these
} electric shocks.
} You owe the Usenet Oracle another auditor for the Tyrannosaur.