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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I mail this to the Oracle ten times, how many times will it > get into the Oracular digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, I would say not even once, but (as you have no } doubt noticed) lately strange things have been happening } with the digest; the same question was in Oracularities 612 } three times with 3 different answers, for example. } } Clearly, your *real* question is "what's going on?", and you } have wisely chosen to ask Me. Rather than bore you with the } true story (which involves a case split personality } afflicting Steve Kinzler's evil twin after being assaulted } by a pack of rabid lemurs), I shall condescend to make up } one of those fake explanations so dearly beloved by the } Oracularities voters. } } What happened was this: I received a rather heart-wrenching } letter from a twelve-year-old boy in Scotland, who was } stricken by a terminal illness, but who wished to appear in } the Oracularities many times before he died. } } Now, you must understand that, although my power is great, } it is subject to several self-imposed limits. Chief among } these limits is that when I condescend to answer a question } personally (as you know, most of the time your questions get } remailed to other supplicants who have lots of fun } pretending to be me as they answer them), that answer shall } not appear in the Oracularities. It wouldn't be fair. } All *my* answers would get scores of 5.0, which would } discourage the mortals. (By the way, this is why when you } get a Really Good Answer, the Priests don't pick it. Now you } know.) } } Therefore, I could not simply compose a question and an } answer, attribute them to the poor boy, and arrange for them } to appear in the Digest... } } That is why I composed the "why do birds sing" query, and } modified the Oracle software so that every question sent out } for the period of 24 hours would be the same question, with } the doomed boy's return address. } } I must say, the Incarnations were rather disappointing in } their answers, with only three of them getting chosen for } the Digest; and not one of them thought of the idea that } different birds sing different songs for different reasons } (bluebirds sing the blues, cardinals hymns, canaries rat on } Michael Jackson, ostriches sing arias from famous Australian } operas, and so forth). } } You owe the Oracle three askmes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, Oracle old chappie, > > When one goes flying one is always a little concerned that the old > aeroplane might just choose to drop out of the sky. > > So, is there any way one can get a ticket for the black box flight > recorder as they always seem to survive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, my insolent young chippie off the old blockie... } } There is almost always availability in the black box section of the } airplane. However, few moral humans have ever found a way to use their } tickets.  The All-knowing, All-seeing, All-alling Oracle has no } difficulty getting into the 1/4" x 1/4" inch seat.  Then again, I'm } never particularly worried about crashing.  I'm just there to <ZOT> any } foolish and insolent inquisitors. Flying is in fact safer than driving, } statistically, but if you want to know you can get tickets in the glove } compartment of a car, too.  Same seating restrictions apply.  Tough. } } You owe me five good reasons not to <ZOT> you.  47-53 words each. By } Wednesday.  Typed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle > Who knows the number of stars in the sky > And the number of grains of sand on the beach > And blesses mere mortals such as myself > With the shining glory of your wisdom > > Tell me oh great one > Why is it that Santa Claus > A man associated with goodness and generosity > Wears red > A colour associated with stopping and evil and anger and beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there, }       First Oracular consort here (Orrie just wandered off to the } little deity's room to catch up on his reading). }       I'm in a really good mood now, so why don't I let you in on a } little secret?!  That outfit, with the red crushed velvet coat and the } puffy ermine trim, the pointy red cap with a cute pompom on the end, } and the supple black leather riding boots and tight fitting breeches, } that was, uh, well, sort of my idea.  It was in a catalogue so I } thought to myself that it would make a terrific gift for a man so, as } you say, *good*.  And *generous*.  Trust me, I know. }       Let's just say we keep this between you, me, and Nick, now, } won't you dear?  I'll see to it you get something nice in your } stocking this Christmas. } } Lisa

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll answer if you feed me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh Oracle, what should I get my Grandmother's boyfriend for > Christmas?  What do you buy fr

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two questions with but a single grovel. And not much of a grovel at } that. 'Oracle, oh Oracle'? Why not just call me a worthless stinking } fleabag and have done with it? Hey, let's spread a little Christmas } cheer here. I suppose I have to supply my own honorific this time. } } "The Wondrous and Gracious Oracle Deigns to Answer your Questions" } } 1)What should I get my Grandmother's boyfriend for Christmas? }     Not having a Grandmother myself, or indeed any corporeal relations } as I am somewhat of an abstract ideal, I cannot speak with personal } experience of them. I believe a friend of mine (Zeus? or was it Thor? } one of the bearded chaps in Olympus, anyway) once possessed such a } Creature. 'Twas at the end of the Time of Chaos, when Titans and Gods } had been locked in mortal (silly me, I meant _immortal_) combat for } millenia, and Zeus (or Woden, or perhaps it was Bob, God of things } rhyming with the word 'Squirrel') spent his time creating new and } ever more bizarre life forms with which the battle would be fought. }     One day in his tower, he attempted a new spell combination, and } from the primal vat was corporealised a short, wizened old lady, } clutching a handbag protectively before her and muttering 'I was } in the War you know, Sonny'. Zeus replied with the witticism that } irresistably suggested itself, vis: 'Sod off, you scabby old bat', } and chucked her back into the slime. And that was that. Sorry, I've } completely forgotten your original question. } } 2)What do you get fr? }    Now you're just being silly. } } You owe the Oracle a knitted jumper (two sizes too large), a pair of } thermal socks, and a word processor that doesn't cut off your last sen

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi. My friend just used ftp via email to get DOOM. > UUENCODED and about 2.6 Mbytes. Server sent it in > 48 kbytes pieces (sorry about grammar). Now he received > message with subject Part 31 of 66 and he happened > to delete it in accident. We use 2400 bps modem > with usual rate about 100. Any ideas ? There are > 20 parts more to come. Neat, ah :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go ahead and download the rest and then decode it.  DOOM will run } just fine, except for a small gap in one of the more obscure } overlay files.  You'll be able to play the game as normal except } for a few small discrepancies that you'll easily get used to: } }    * The soundtrack will consist of Johann Strauss waltzes. } }    * The Balrog on Level 9 is now named Bruce.  Instead of trying }      to kill you he will try to sell you aluminum siding. } }    * The password you need to emerge from the Mines of Doom on }      Level 14 is "have a nice day". } }    * Every twenty minutes the screen will lock up for fifteen seconds }      with the current display replaced by a banner reading, "SHOULDN'T }      YOU BE DOING YOUR HOMEWORK?" } } No, they're not bugs--they're features!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh Great Oracle, >       Seer of the Internet, >       deeper thinker than the Shodan, >       the world Grandmaster, >       and the Princeton Mathematics department combined, >       Knower of more Secrets than even the new Secretary of Defense, >       able to access more data faster than any mere database, >     I beg you to tell me: > >     Does the new year have something special in store for me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               A Month-by-Month Look at The New Year } } JANUARY   A famous and beautiful starlet (whose identity will }           remain secret in order not to ruin the surprise) will land in }           your backyard after a publicity stunt involving a }           parachute goes awry.  You will have to cut her out of her }           skin-tight jumpsuit to save her life.  She will be very }           thankful-- VERY. } } FEBRUARY  In a bizarre political accident, you will be elected }           President of the Commonwealth of Independent States.  You }           will, of course, apologetically turn down the post.  The }           ex-Soviets, undaunted, will move their capitol to Topeka, }           Kansas, despite protests by the US Government. } } MARCH     You win $50 bucks in Lotto. } } APRIL     A coup d'etet in the CIS will be successful, eliminating }           your unwanted post.  Unfortunately, the people, now }           completely confused by so much political upheaval, will }           mistake you for a Hero of the Revolution, and place the }           revolutionary capitol in Topeka, Kansas. } } MAY       You find your old copy of "The Phantom Tollbooth" in the }           back of a closet and rediscover a classic. } } JUNE      The starlet you rescued in January returns and tells you }           that she circled the globe, looking for a lover who was as }           honest and caring as you were, but to no avail.  She moves }           in with you. } } JULY      A stray bottle rocket you fire flies out of control and }           hits an actor playing Barney the Dinosaur on live }           television.  45 million children watch as the Purple }           Menace bursts into flames. } } AUGUST    In a landmark election, completely free of violence }           or corruption, UN-supervised balloting declares you Premier }           of the VBNA (Very Big Nation in Asia).  Beating everyone to }           the punch, you declare that you're moving the capitol to }           Topeka, Kansas. } } SEPTEMBER Bill Gates, driving his unregistered Porsche, slams into }           your '88 Chrysler Cordoba.  He pays you one billion }           dollars to keep you quiet. } } OCTOBER   The Mayor of Topeka, Kansas announces that tax }           revenues are up 4,432,752% from the previous year. } } NOVEMBER  When you learn how much the Premier of the VBNA is }           expected to earn, you quit your lousy job and move to }           Topeka, Kansas with your new wife, the Oscar-winning }           super-actress. } } DECEMBER  The Barney the Dinosaur show on PBS is canceled.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did the comedian Sam Kinison go to heaven or hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sam Kinison was a pretty nasty fellow, according to those goody-goodies } over at Disposition.  So they sent him to Heaven. } } For Sam, THAT'S Hell.  Major Hell.  Could you just imagine him dealing } with billions of harp players?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of Oracles, who doesn't go crazy for Co-co puffs or Frank > Zappa Records: > > What is the best way to kill Barney?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell Fred that he is fooling around with Wilma.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please tell me why I cant telnet to y1.sdsc.edu > the ip number is 132.249.10.1 > > please tell me who I can find my friends email address. > He works at bell labs in ohio and his name is Hank Modnar. > > elias > > [ Names have been changed to protect the innocent. -ed ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Elias, you currently inhabit a universe in which the machine } called y1.sdsc.edu does not exist.  Which is probably just as well, } since in the universe where the machine does exist, Pat Boone has been } President for 14 years now.  In _your_ universe, the IP address } 132.249.10.1 is assigned to an old IBM PC belonging to Serdar Argic; } the reason you can't get to it is that most of the time, it is running } a self-booting, pirated copy of Zork III. } } In order to obtain your friend's e-mail address, the Oracle sagely } advises that you: } } telnet to rs.internic.net } } and then: } } type "whois" } } and next, } } type "dom bell" } } You will now see that this command does not give you a domain for Bell } Labs, let alone for Bell Labs in Ohio. } } But don't despair.  There's more. } } Now you need to type "quit" twice, since the InterNIC requires strict } adherence to ritual. } } Next, you should call up your newsreader, and crosspost to as many } groups as possible, preferably including alt.config, news.groups, } news.admin, alt.flame, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh, alt.folklore.urban, } alt.peeves, alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine, soc.motss, alt.fan.lemurs, } alt.personals.bondage, alt.ted.frank.troll.troll.troll, alt.discordia, } alt.revisionism, alt.exploding.kibo, and alt.religion.kibology, a post } that makes the following request: } } Oh great LEADER KiBo, O wi$e and LEARNED leaDer kibO, O seXXXy and } wonderful LEADER KIBO, O BENEvoLENT and munifiCENT architeCt of } HappyNet, PLEA$E iMPART tO mE yOUR sAGE wI$DOM!  and tellme what hank } modnars at bell labs in ohios email adress is! } } Be sure to mention Vicki Robinson in your .sig.  This part is very } important. } } Next, you must display a GIF of Sam Kinison on your monitor, get up } from your chair, and draw a pentagram using your own blood on the } floor.  Draw a circle around the pentagram, and place a single black } candle, lit, at each point of the pentagram.  Stand in the middle of } the pentagram and chant "I _do_ believe in ghosts!  I _do_ believe in } ghosts!  I _do_ believe in ghosts!" } } Then, pick up your phone, call Hank Modnar, and ask him for his } e-mail address. } } Done in the proper order, these actions _should_ yield the proper } result.  Attention to detail is necessary. } } You owe the Oracle a shave and a haircut, or two bits, whichever comes } first.  Void where prohibited.