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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, all powerful Oracle, whose toe nail clippings I am not worthy > enough to grind onto my chicken pot pie: > > I suspect that Bill Gates of Microsoft is really a Lemur. Is this > true? Does his wife know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemurs are of the prosimian branches of the ape family (as opposed to } the arthropoid branches, wherein reside humans).  The were so named } because the appeared to the Romans to be the spirits of the unburied } dead.  The are extremely territorial and possessive and spend the } entire day eating and making haunting noises to warn off potential } intruders/thieves.  As they walk, they urinate on their own paws so } that their scent will be everywhere they have walked, thereby marking } off their territories with widely recognized signs. } } It is sometimes difficult to tell what Bill Gates is...I presume he's } some sort of ape.  He appears to the public to be some sort of } demonic programmer.  He is extremely territorial and possessive and } will sue anyone who "steals his programs."  As he codes, he marks } every line he has typed with widely recognized copyright symbols. } } Hmmm.  Could be.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, please tell me why the sky is blue.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We ran out of pistachio.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Can you tell me if John Wayne Bobbit a.k.a. Stubby is doing >        Okay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     He's hanging in there. } }     You owe the Oracle a Masculinity Sensitivity Training Course.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear almighty oracle >       are dinosaurs still around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  But like other tenured faculty, they are rarely seen in the } classroom anymore due to their lofty status and spend most of their } time trying to get their massive tomes of drivel accepted for } publication and making bucks on the side through outside consulting } (Spielberg found this out and blackmailed them to make cameo } appearances in _Jurassic_Park_).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why the stars do shine; > Tell me why the ivy twines; > Tell me why the sky's so blue, > And I will tell you, just why I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has an irresistable charm. It harks back to a day when } barter dominated the world market, often based upon trades of little } value to the other. } } Since the Oracle is simply the mouthpiece of the net.gods, It doesn't } really care why you love it. However, we can answer your question } nonetheless. } } Nuclear Fusion makes the stars to shine } Phototropism makes the ivy twine } Raleigh Scattering makes the so blue } Hormones make you say "I love you." } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Isaac Asimov's books.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do all words that rhyme have the same meaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If two words did mean the same } Simply because they did rhyme } Then Lisa would really be my name } And robbery would be a lime } } A young man would want his date to miss, } Wizards would wield magic flowers, } You'd know a snake by his sis', } And get wet in April towers. } } But words that rhyme mean different things, } Which thus averts these curses; } You owe the Oracle three ruby rings, } To pay me for these verses.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My God! No! You didn't! We can't print that in a family Ocularity. } } Note to priests: please appropriately censor the question with which } this answer is paired. } } Anyway, this little problem of yours, it's nobody's fault but your own. } However, in my infinite wisdom, I am going to furnish you with an } answer to your current predicament. } } This is what you must do: } 1) Stuff the goose (as in taxidermy, not as in edible stuffing). } 2) Tie it to the bottom of the bell-rope. } 3) Find a friend with tinnitus. Convince him or her that their cure }    lies in campanology. } 4) Tie friend to goose. } 5) Give a good hard pull on the bell-rope, making friend, goose, etc, }    shoot up into the rafters. } 6) Call the police (anonymously). } 7) Run very fast. } } Your friend will then be arrested, and the circumstantial evidence that } you left at the scene will point to him. } } You owe the Oracle: One of those photos you mentioned. How *did* you } manage that?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh nearly divine oracle, creature of legend, and all that: > > What is the difference between a chicken and a ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wise yet modest Oracle will illustrate this with a food parable. } With a breakfast of ham and eggs, the chicken is involved, while the } pig is committed. } The Oracle suggests you stick with cold cereal, as it appears best for } all concerned.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, who not only knows how many angels can dance on the > head of a pin, but has also derived a hypothetical expression relating > angel-density to the composition of the pin-head.  Who's merest > thoughts are more complex than Bolivia's air-defense system.  I beg of > you to take pity on me, a poor ignorant supplicant who is in dire need > of an answer. > My question, oh seer of all, is this. > How many chu...er.. Sorry.  Wrong page. > Ah, here we are: > My question, that is, my REAL question, is this: > > My girlfriend lives 4 hours away, yet alas; neither of us have cars. > Public transportation, while available, grows costly. > How may I spend more time with my love while at the same time not > spending next term's tuition? > > I await your wisdom....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It seems to me that you have several options.  They are listed below, } in no apparent order: } }  - The Romeo and Juliet option:  You both arrange a time when you will }  both take lethal poison and die together.  Unfortunately, this hasn't }  been proven to bring you closer together, and does have the side }  effect of negating whatever life you may have had together. } }  - The Surrogate Lover option:  For a nominal fee, one of you can rent }  someone to be there when the other can't. } }  - The Shirley McLaine option:  Learn to have out-of-body experiences }  together.  Distances are of little concern on the astral plane and }  you'll get a kick out of actually being able to merge.  Don't let that }  silver cord break, though, whatever you do. } }  - Telepathy:  Tune in to each other's thoughts.  Does have the }  drawback of letting the other person know everything and anything }  you're thinking of at the moment, so if you don't want any }  misunderstandings, sit in a darkened room and don't you dare think of }  sexy models you've seen recently. } } Or you could do the more conventional things like writing passionate } love letters everyday detailing just exactly how much you miss one } another, or you could go into debt with AT&T talking on the phone. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen long-stemmed roses and a box of chocolates. } Nuts and chewies, none of those cream centers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would you get if you crossed Geraldo with Lt. Worf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, but I wouldn't try to hit him with a chair. } } You owe the Oracle my own talk show. The first episode will be: }        Overly abrasive security officers and the }        slutty ship's counselors who love them. } The second guest will be Richard Simmons who will show us how to make a } lovely cellular peptide cake.....with MINT frosting.