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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1+1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SYNTAX ERROR } > 1 + 1 } PARSE ERROR } > 1 1 + } SEMANTIC ERROR } > help } INTENT ERROR } > ? } GRAMMAR ERROR } > quit } SATISFACTION ERROR } > ^C } UNPROVOKED ASSAULT ERROR } > ^D } VOID ERROR } > ^\ } SEGMENTATION ERROR } > ^\ } SEGMENTATION ERROR } > exit } EGRESS ERROR } > done } COOKING ERROR } > shutdown } OPEN FILES ERROR } > close files } CLOSED FILES ERROR } > shutdown } CLOSED FILES ERROR } > open files } UNOPENABLE FILES ERROR } > stop } NAME OF THE LAW ERROR } > halt } TURING ERROR } > finished } RAW WOOD ERROR } > complete } BUFFOON ERROR } > :q! } WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM VI ERROR } > ^X^C } I CANNOT BE EMULATED BY EMACS ERROR } > sod off } DON'T SWEAR AT ME YOU LIMEY BASTARD ERROR }                               * * * } } "IBM Tech Support, may I help you?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Good Oracle, greatest and best of all Oracles, Oracle of all > those that are good and great, and of Greatness and Goodness the most > Oracular arbiter: > > Why are so many of the Oracularities these days just plain unfunny? > Have your priests contracted some dreadful disease? Is it something to > do with w**dchucks? Is something on your mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your query has been duly noted.  We, too, are troubled by the current } non-humorous state of affairs.  We believe that through further effort, } we can raise the quality of our humor to the standards that you had } once come to expect. } } Your co-operation in this endeavor would be much appreciated. } Please take the time to fill out the following form, so that we may } know how to better serve you. } }                     Strongly Agree | Agree | Disagree | Strongly } Disagree I believe the quality } of the Oracularities } has decreased. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I feel that the humor } content of the Oracularities } is hindered by: } } a) Overuse of bad puns } } b) Campyness } } c) Dreadful diseases } } d) Excessive repetition }    of questions } } e) Woodchucks } } f) Too many in-jokes } } g) An overtly stiff, }    formal attitude } } h) Excessive repetition }    of questions } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I believe that the Oracularities can be made funnier by: } } a) Topicality } } b) Originality } } c) An altering of }    groveling habits } } d) Full frontal nudity } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I believe that the } Oracle's fees are } too high } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } I had Fruity Pebbles } for breakfast } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } Additional comments: } } } } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Thank you very much for filling out this form.  The time you have } contributed will be instrumental in improving the quality of the } Oracularities. } } The Oracle would greatly appreciate the contribution of a banana split } made with a rutabaga instead of a banana. } } Have a nice day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all-knowing Oracle, please tell me why I feel somehow > compelled to shave my butt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, } }     Let's play a little game, shall we? } }     1) Stand up. } }     2) Put a pickle in your mouth (dill or sweet, it doesn't matter). } }     3) Next, slap a bumper sticker on your butt. } }     4) Now, which is closer to the ceiling, the pickle or the bumper }        sticker? } }     If you said "the bumper sticker" (which you probably did), then you } have been shaving your *face* and not what you believe to be your butt. } } ** You owe The Oracle a can of Burma Shave.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arf woof Oracle, bark woof woof yowl woof bark bark: > >    Arf arf arf woof woof woof woof bark woof woof bark bark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is it, Lassie? Is Timmy in trouble? What's the matter } with him? What is it, girl? He got his _WHAT_ stuck in the } milking machine??? Ahem, we interrupt this program for a } station break. } } You owe the Oracle a seven course meal - without dairy products.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is properly structured: > > Why does the COBOL language still exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How are COBOLs supposed to communicate, in English I suppose? Sheesh } you Americans are sooo ethnocentric. } } 'klaack spoor'cha! ( COBOL slang for "eat my shorts, yankee" ) } } You owe the Oracle a translation of the COBOL national anthem, minus } the obscenities. They *do* tend to be a bit crass.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the chemical composition of SPAM????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pathetic. Not only do you have no manners at all (Where's my } goddamn grovel?) but you can't even grasp the most obvious of } universal fundamentals. } } Spam doesn't have a chemical composition. It's the other way } around!  EVERYTHING in the universe is made from SPAM! The } question you should have asked is "What is the spam composition } of chemicals.  I suggest you get yourself a few books and do } some serious reading. Here's a few you might find informative: } } A Brief History of Spam,                    S. Hawkins } } Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Spam Can,   D. Hofstadter } } Surely You're Spamming Mr. Feynman?,        R. Feynman } } Spam Tools,                                 R. Rucker } } Asimov's New Guide to Spam,                 I. Asimov } } You owe the Oracle, a 20 page article on the relationship of } Spam particles to the strong nuclear force.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge spans the Multiverse like > Rachmaninov's fingers spanned one and a half octaves on the piano, > please turn the laser beam of your wisdom to the butter pat that is my > question.  Why has one of my work colleagues become very attached to a > rubber dinosaur on a metal 'stick' thingy.  He always takes it around > with him, pokes people with it, and keeps finding it, no matter where > it's hidden.  What is the attraction that this strange device has over > him ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh-oh, seems that the Internet has mixed up my answers. } } The dinosaur-on-a-stick thing I sent to a caveman asking } for a totem. Seems like your friend got it instead. } I wonder what the caveman got in answer to the question } about how to make a better impression at work?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry -- line noise.  Anyway, as I was saying, it's clear that Fermat's } Last Theorem has been proved.  See above. } } You owe the Oracle fame among mathematicians.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty oracle. Why is it that in the original movie "Godzilla" > godzilla is 400 feet tall, and in "King Kong" kong is 50 ft tall, But > in the movies : "Godzilla vs. king Kong " (Both the american and > japanese movies), Kong and Godzilla are the same height?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flintstones Vitamins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh mighty and overwhelming Oracle, oh why can't the lowly acc > find the darned ___main when it's right there in crt0.o?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The acc uses the gnidirder.hood utility with the basket process } (inputs are w1ne and brea.0) which looks into the __map in the } li6.rary for the 67dir.x reference to the __path in the for.e5t } leading to the c0tt.age where __amdnarg points to the __main. } } You probably have the w0.lf parameter in the c0tt.age instead } of in the for.e5t, also, be sure that _amdnarg is not in the w0.lf. } }                /O