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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows just how to have fun, > > What's the best way to let a professor know that he's boring > you to tears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do any or all of the following: } } THE GREAT ORACLE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS TO DO TO LET YOUR PROFESSOR } KNOW HE'S BORING YOU TO TEARS(TM) } } 10.  Pretend you have tourette's syndrome!  Be as vulgar and as loud as } you can.  Jerk lots, too.  Whoops are okay, but screaming vulgarities } and blaming it on the problem is more pruductive, and your prof is less } likely to ignore you. } } 9.  Play Pick-up-stix(tm) on the floor.  Swear real loud whenever you } touch one of the other stix. } } 8.  When (s)he's stopped speaking for a while to write a long } formula/paragraph on the board/overhead, say loudly, "Ehhhhhhh, } shaddup!" in your best Bugs Bunny voice. } } 7.  If there's ever a time where the prof takes questions, raise your } hand as stealthily as you can.  When the prof wraps it up without } answering your "question", storm out of the room muttering, "I tell ya, } I get no respect!" } } 6.  Pretend you've got a laptop in your briefcase, and "play" a } computer game.  A joystick is extra helpful here. } } 5.  Send a note to the dumb blonde from Texas, saying "turn over" on } both sides.  It won't do anything productive, but it'll make the time } go faster, and maybe she'll be impressed by your cleverness after you } explain it to her, and you'll have a hot date! } } 4.  Listen to 1812 Overture REALLY loud on your walkman, loud enough so } many people can hear it, but bang your head real fast and grimace as if } it was Slayer you were listening to. } }       Variation: Bang your head and grimace, etc. while you don't even }                  have a walkman. } } 3.  Start the wave. } } 2.  Yell, "YOU SUCK, LETTERMAN, YOU REALLY SUCK!!" } } 1.  CRY!!! } } You owe it to yourself to try at least two of these.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     >O Oracle, tell me if I'll get Renee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you stop putting Descartes before da horse.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Perceptive, Pleasant, Perfect, Pernicious, Platitudinous, Pensive, >   Pugnacious, Proactive, Pitiless, Prideful, Pugilanimous, Plaintive, >   Prompt, Punitive, Purring, Pointed, Proper, Petite, Prancing, >   Perambulatory, Peripatetic, Pathetic, Poxed, Preening, Prominent, >   Portly, Pining, Pierced, Pontificating, Promiscuous, Prolific > Oracle, prithee tell me: > >       Why do my employees play with their PC's all day instead of >       doing their work!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm ... I hate to be the one to break this to you, supplicant, but } I'm afraid that your employees are under a curse.  One of your } competitors, jealous of your success in business, hired a witch to } place a curse upon all who work for you, causing them to believe that } they are engineers, and therefore above such concerns as timeclocks and } deadlines.  They will continue to piddle away their time on their games } and newsreaders until the curse is broken. } } However, since I am a very obliging Oracle (and since I do own some } stock in your company), I will tell you how to break the curse.  Simply } purchase a large box of doughnuts (get jellies ... engineers can't } resist jellies!) and recite the following spell over it, while waving a } 3.5-inch disk over your head: } } Protocol, Clifford Stoll, } This curse thing is getting old. } Modem links, Power sinks, } Our office productivity stinks. } X-addresses, Peeks and pokes, } Turn my geeks to working folks! } } Then leave the box in the break room and yell "DOUGHNUTS!".  Your } office will be back to normal in no time. } } You owe the Oracle a maple bar.  One of the ones with custard in it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the highest pyramid in the world ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh master Oracle, > > Can you show me the way to San Jose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  Start at the High School of Social Pariahdom.  Avoiding } Senior Prom Swamp, proceed to Big City University.  Tarry in the Gorge } of Hopeless Drunks for as long as your liver can take it, but beware } the Butt-Headed Goons With Tenure and their enslaved Bitter } Late-Twenties Graduate Zombies. } } You must seize the Sheepskin of Dubious Merit; it may take four to } eight years.  You may participate in the traditional Flabby Copulation } Despite Drunken Nausea if you like; even a grotesque sexual experience } is better than remaining a virgin all your life.  [It is? -ed.] } } When the Sheepskin of Dubious Merit is within your grasp, the Oozing } Recruiters of the Incontinent Lying Traps will smile upon you and spin } many pretty tales of Industry.  Wait until one appears from San Jose. } He will take you the rest of the way.  Remember, though, that there is } no going back. } } You owe the Oracle a pack of Dunhills, an outfit all of black, and a } lifetime subscription to _Processed World_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is a dog too big to be called a puppy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dog breeds vary a lot, so there are no hard and fast rules, but here } are a few pointers: } } If the cat has to get on it's back legs to cut the dog's nose to } ribbons; } } If you can't pass a Korean restaurant without attracting admiring } glances; } } If the back lawn is invisible under the piles of steaming excrement; } } If it won't fit in the microwave to dry off; } } If it can smoke a whole pack of Marlboro without coughing when } inhaling; } } If it attempts to sodomise your leg and gets far enough up too get you } aroused; } } Then it's time to dump it on the freeway and get a kitten instead. } } You owe the Oracle a Chihuahua on a stick and a pooper scooper.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle please tell me why I like to work on my computer so late in > the night.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, certainly I will. To be quite honest, this is possibly the most } interesting question I've had all year. And it all goes back to the } days when mankind spent most of its time hanging in trees saying 'ook'. } } At about the time Homo Erectus first walked the Earth, mankind split } into two distinct groups. On the one hand there was the standard } hunter-killer type man, who spent his days hunting and killing. Hence } the name. This was the dominant half of the species. However, there was } also the thinking man. These would sit on the ground, write complex } equations in the sand with a stick, eat handfuls of raw coffee beans, } write hand-optimised code for texture mapping, and then get hunted and } killed by the hunter-killer man. } } This section of mankind was driven almost to extinction, because as you } know, when you're looking for a bug in a particularly tricky section of } code, you just don't notice a large drooling guy coming up behind you } and pounding you over the head with a wooly mammoth's thighbone. } However, those few that survived decided they would have to find some } better way of arranging things, so they could stay alive. } } And this they did. They discovered that by eating sufficient raw coffee } beans, they could remain alert all night, and do their work by the } light of the moon. This tradition was known as the 'all-nighter'. And } so by day they could keep watch for hunter-killer men, but by night } they could work. } } Programmers evolved from these thinking men, and the rest of mankind } from the hunter-killers. Occasionally you will find a pure-breed } programmer, although these are becoming more and more rare. These are } the people who sit up all night, overdosing on caffeine and working at } their computers. It sounds like you are one of this rare breed. } Congratulations. } } You owe the Oracle six sacks of raw coffee beans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is she thinking of me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She multitasks.  Currently, she's thinking of moving to Pittsburgh, the } way her grandmother's cucumber curry tasted, justice and its practical } pratfalls online, where the missing socks go to, you, the source of } true wisdom, how to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses, and the lyrics to } "Blinded By The Light" by Manfred Mann.  She's also folding junk mail } into paper airplanes. } } The good news is, yes, she's thinking of you. } The bad news is, she's a bit distracted at the moment. } } You owe the Oracle three pints of chocolate soy-milk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    |   | X > ---|---|--- >    | X | > ---|---|--- >  O |   |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} from "Wheelbarrows of the Gods," by Erik von Dankeschoen (Cucamonga, } 1974), pp. 183-84: } }     ...further evidence for Alien cultural transmission is provided by }     the Great Tictactoe Glyph in the Kalahari Desert, discovered by the }     1927 Glueck expedition (Glueck 1929a). Charcoal from buried }     campsites evidently associated with the site was 14C-dated to 850- }     920 cal AD, which coincides well with the manuscript evidence of }     the 10th-century importation of Tic-Tac-Toe into the Islamic world }     by Arab traders who had learned the game along the West African }     coast. } }     Accelerator mass spectrometry dating of items from individual }     squares revealed the drama of the intersteller match. The first }     "X" was placed by Kalahari bushmen in the center square. The "O" }     was formed some twenty years later, forming an absolutely perfect }     circle 10.234 m in diameter, of stones formed from a tungsten- }     carbide alloy of extraterrestrial origin. Immediately thereafter }     the Bushmen placed the second "X" in the northeast corner. } }     We can only speculate that in the intervening millenium, our }     heavenly Visitors have devoted the full resources of their }     super-human technology to discovering the best possible square }     for their second move. We can also speculate--with fear and }     trembling--that the fate of human civilization may hang on }     our ability to devise a winning response. . . .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did it have to be WESTERN POETRY, of all things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I told you that the final would } be comprehensive, } Your roommate said if you got me } be apprehensive, } You'd think that these two facts } for a warning would do, } But you wasted all your time on crap } like Physics II, } You thought that you could skate right through } Survey of Lit, } Thought you wouldn't need to study } one little bit, } I know for sure I really stressed } this poetry, } For fifteen minutes near the end } of lecture three, } Too bad you had to turn to me your } ear that's deaf, } See you next semester buddy } here's your "F".