Goto:

634, 634-01, 634-02, 634-03, 634-04, 634-05, 634-06, 634-07, 634-08, 634-09, 634-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most spediferous, who has never faced an existential crisis: > > My life is for shit. I am graduating soon, with a perfectly useless > BA degree, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm > terrified of being stuck in a useless, boring, low-paying job for > my entire life, my roommate has gone insane, my paramour won't leave > his wife, I can't get anyone of either gender to go out with me > and my father has started claiming that he's getting in touch with > his past lives -- I meet a new one every few days. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               Chin up, supplicant, and forget your fear }               The answer to all your problems is here }               Don't worry about the past lives of your Dad }               And everything else that is making you sad. } }               If you haven't a clue what to do with your life }               Then you're perfectly suited to become someone's wife }               It's the best thing to do when life is a bitch }               For your problems will vanish if you marry rich. } }               Your husband may be such a terrible bore }               Who leaves hairs in the bath, and at night, he may snore }               Just discover the reason your roomie's insane }               And whatever you did back then, do it again. } }               When he's totally gaa-gaa, and eating the walls }               Take him for a holiday, to Niagra falls }               Tell him you love him, and then tell him why }               Tell him you love him coz he's able to fly. } }               Then back in the comfort of your brand new home }               Call up your old paramour on your solid gold phone }               Tell him about all the stock you've acquired }               Tell him you're his new boss, and that he's fired. } }               Follow this advice and the world will be yours }               For money buys happiness, power, and laws }               But always be thankful, pay me half what you've got }               Though you may buy an army, I've still got my ZOT!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is everyone telepathic but me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wise and perplexing oracle, if Socrates died thousands of > years ago by doing something rather unintelligent as consuming hemlock, > why would we want to answer questions in the Socratic Method, thus > continuing his legacy of stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose you meant "...why would we want to answer questions posed by } a teacher using the Socratic Method".  The difference, of course, is } that the Socratic Method is a teaching technique, not a technique of } answering a teacher's questions. } I suppose you also meant to preface your question with an appropriate } amount of groveling and sniveling, but it was sadly omitted. } I suppose you also are unaware of the many enlightening truths recently } brought to light by NORHL (the National Organization for the Reform of } Hemlock Laws).  For instance, hemlock has many beneficial uses (it's a } dessert topping AND a floor wax), when taken in moderation.  Socrates } was a notorious party animal, and frequently HEMmed-out, as ODing was } called in those days.  Recent translations have made it clear that } Socrates' final fling was caused by waiting too long for a slow student } to respond to one of his questions.  [The Final Question, as it is now } called, had to do with why one would want to answer his questions; thus } lending a certain irony to your current inquiry.  In fact, while } waiting for myself to complete the answer to your question, I feel a } strong need for more hemlock myself.] } } "Do you owe the Oracle anything for this answer?" I said Socratically.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle who most likely has tax exempt status, > > what tax preparation tips do you have for us work-a-day supplicants in > the throws of preparing our taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                  Hyde Jurassets, D. Duct, N. Pray }                                  Tax Consultants and Accounting } } Dear Sir, }   As the USENET Oraclce is currently undergoing an IRS audit all } tax questions are being forwarded to us. }   The oracle is in a unique tax situation as most of his income results } from payment in kind.  Our position as his tax preparers is that many } of these payments are actually services to the individual supplicant } required for the enlightenment and training of same and that the Oracle } receives little or no fiscal value from such renumeration.  The IRS, on } the other hand, insists, based on POLICY that taxes be paid based on } actual undiscounted retail.  When none exists they arbitrarily assign } value based on "standard industry practice". }   Several cases which illustrate the problems we are trying to overcome } during these proceedings follow. } } CASE1:payment- A duck that flies backwards while quacking }       inna-gadda-davida. IRS value assigned- $2000 for performing }       animal. } }       Our contention was that the particular qualities required of the }       duck were to train the supplicant of the folly of the late }       sixties hippie generation.  The actual value to the oracle as }       itemized in his return was listed at $12.99 as the animal was }       roasted upon receipt. } } CASE2:payment- A better mousetrap. }       IRS value assigned- $150,000 based on similar improvements in }       other appliances. } }       We contend that the Oracle received no actual value from this }       device as he has no problem with the particular rodent involved, }       has no plans to market the device as the world already beats an }       electronic path to his door, and has no other use for the device. } } CASE3:payment- Bill Clinton's little black book. }       IRS value-$1,000,000 based on offer from The National Enquirer. } }       This payment was for the supplicant's own good to keep his mind }       on the campaign and out of his pants. Lisa burned the book on }       receipt. } } Until the Oracle's tax affairs are straightened out, he can answer no } further tax questions. However, the services of our firm are available } at reasonable rates. We are licensed, bonded, and endorsed by the } USENET Oracle. } }                                 Sincerely, }                                 Hyde Jurassets, Sr. Partner. } } By the way, you owe the Oracle some cold hard cash. We'll bill you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Deer Orikle, > >       You play thuh banjo, boy? > >       Sinseerlie, >       Rupert

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deer Suppleecant Roopert, } } Your lack of polish notwithstanding, the great Oracle will condescend } to answer your question. } } The answer is:  Yeah, boy, ah sure do.  In fact, ah was originally from } Alabama, & came to Indiana by way of Louisiana.  Took three years of } surgury to detach that dadblamed banjo from my knee. } } You owe the Oracle a buckwheat cake and a tear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, witness my most abject grovelling and shine your light > of wisdom on my questions dank with confusion... > > O Oracle, are Nabisco Cheese Nips actually preferred over Sunshine > Cheese-Its, as it says on the box?  If so, how do they know? > > And, O Oracle, is the correct plural of "Cheese-It" "Cheese-Its" or > "Cheese-They"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Subjects force-fed both tended to projectile vomit the Cheese } Nips only 70% as far as when fed the competing brand; thus, the Cheese } Nips are deduced to be more popular. } }       However, no-one has ever determined the plural of "Cheese-It", } since no-one has been willing to deal with more than one. } }       You owe the Usenet Oracle a copy of the NRC regulations on the } handling of radioactively orange fake cheese products.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> wow this thing really works!  Now to ask a real > question!!  I'm a sysop that runs a board in Gra > Grass Valley CA, I'm trying to start a Net calle > d PhishNet.  Can you give me some pointers on > starting a Net?  Things what to do, things not > to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle's Top 10 Things NOT to Do When Starting a Net: } } 10. Advertise it as "unhackable!" } 9. Let everyone be a sysop. } 8. Make passwords optional. } 7. Run a mail program that routes questions and answers between callers }    anonymously. } 6. Carry the alt.net.how-to-crash Newsgroup. } 5. Become partners with IBM and Sears. } 4. Run it under CP/M on an 8086. } 3. Free chat! } 2. Bring it up for only 8 hours a day. } 1. Give it a trite, over-used name with a pun, like "PhishNet."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OMighty Oracle: > Why are academic snailmailing addresses getting longer when we can all > survive on a one-line email address? > > Typically now we have things like : > Associate Professor P. Retentious > William R. Hamilton Unit of Pedantry and Pedagoguery > Division of Splitters > School of Epistomological Sciences and Unnatural History > Obscurantist University of Smalltown MidWest > 1553 Abraham Lincoln Memorial Parkway  NW > Building 123 #45 > Smalltown, State 12345-1234 > > Try getting that on an address label!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's nice to make people feel important when they're not.  It's } a widely known fact that the size of a man's mailing address is } directly proportional to the size of a man's....... ego. } } You owe the Oracle a toothbrush. } } The Oracle } Associate Professor of Omniscience } Department of Soothsaying, Foretelling, and Premonating } Universe University } 214324 Main Street } Building #192 } Second Floor } Room 237B } Back Room } Behind the Water Cooler } Under the Desk } Who Cares, UT 92148 } United States } North America } Earth } Sol } Milky Way } Universe #39-B } Reality } oracle@cs.indiana.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, WHO would never SELL OUT! > > Me and my brother were talkin' to each other 'bout what makes a man > a man.  Was it brains or brawn or the month you were born.  We just > couldn't understand.  So me and my brother borrowed money from > mother, we knew what we had to do.  We went downstairs to the > barber and gymnasium and got our arms tattooed.  My dad beat me > because mine said mother but my mother naturally liked it and beat > my brother cause his tattoo was of a lady in the nude and my mother > thought that was extremely rude. > > What kind of tattoo does the Oracle have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A short one that says "DE PLANE!!  DE PLANE!!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are things not always as they appear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question betrays the usual Eurocentric, linearly logical, } patriarchal obsession with correlating appearance with reality.  I } challenge the implicit assumption of your question:  that things should } always appear as they are.  Get in touch with your feminine self.  Take } time to smell the roses instead of wondering why they don't always } smell as they appear.  Accept the seeming illogic of a world in which } things aren't as they appear.  There is more to life and truth than } logic.  There are alternative logics. } } Think of me as your friend, not just your Oracle.  I'm concerned } about you.  Because I'm your friend, I'm going to tell you } something that people who don't care about you, wouldn't bother } to tell you.  I think that you might benefit from psychotherapy. } You seem to have an excessive inability to tolerate ambiguity. } Your question betrays this inability, an inability which thwarts } your ability to completely enjoy and benefit from your relationships } with other people.  If you disagree with me, fine.  I hope that you } appreciate the care that motivates my friendly advice.  I hope } that we are still friends. } } Your remark presupposes a visual frame of reference.  After all, you } didn't ask why things are not always as they sound, or why things are } not always as they feel.  I know that you didn't intend to offend } anyone, but your blithe use of a visual frame of reference is } insensitive to the ocularly challenged.  By answering at greater } length, I might seem to legitimize your insensitivity.  Therefore, I } reluctantly bring this response to a close. } } Peace.