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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> psi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, someone who values my time.  Someone who knows that the Oracle } knows the question before it is even asked.  Someone who says only } enough to remind the Oracle to answer after a long hard day of } Yabba-Dabba-Doo! } } You may all learn a thing or two from this pleb (although the groveling } was rather weak).  I will translate for those of you unable to } comprehend the question: } } p:  "[P]lease, oh Great and Powerful Oracle, whose very vomit I am }      unworthy to throw sawdust upon - Please answer the question that }      has been plaguing me since my childhood..." } } s:  "[S]tate your answer clearly, for I am but a miniscule intellect in }      the presence of unfathomable knowledge..." } } i:  "[I]s Michael Jackson male or female?" } } And the Mighty Oracle answers: n

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, recently I was given a house plant.  What should I feed it and > how long do I need to let it grow so that it grows into an English > Tudor style country estate house? > > Not-so-green thumb, From East of the Mason-Dixon Line

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The particular variety of house plant YOU have been given _does_not_ }  grow into an English Tudor style country estate. You have the }  out-house type plant. Just place it some where it will get a lot of }  (*ahem*), well, flush-fodder, and it will become all it can be. } }  Oh, one other thing, you might want to dig a large pit under the spot }  you select for it, as the, ah ..., flush-fodder, tends to pile up, as }  it were. } }  (but I'm sure you're familiar with piles being 'East' (?) of the }   Mason-Dixon Line) } }  You owe the Oracle the Time-Life Book's video set of the 'North and }   South' TV mini-series

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When a girl says she will go someplace with you why do they always seem > to change their minds 2 minutes before you are ready to go pick them > up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personally, I always do it because something more interesting has come } up, like making sure all my socks have mates, or taking out my own } appendix with a shoe spoon. } } When was the last time you showered?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most effective, >     Whose nose is approximately the size of my roommate's, > Who probably cannot smell an unlit cigarette from 3.744E2 parsecs, >     Whose eyes are beadier than some villain in some western, > Who doesn't have to pay for water, unless it's expensive, >     Please tell me: > > I seem to have no knack for poetry. >     I try and try, but it always comes out as prose. > Do you think that there is anything that will help >     My reliance on boring literalism? > > Thank you in advance. >     A humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       And the Oracle Spake Thusly: } }       O humble supplicant fine, }       One great way to a poem is this }       to consume great quantities of wine }       With suitible breaks for a- }       Snack wich you will surely need }       To begin this fine task with wit }       Also consume great amounts of mead! }       But be sure to account for great quantities of- }       Errors when you first go at it }       So call on the gods of luck, }       And if this does not help it flow, }       Take the time to have a good- }       Nap before you write again, }       This is called writers block or a gap }       But watch out for the critics stain, }       They are usually filled with- }       A wish to help you out, }       To a grade that will make you pass }       Oracle says not to doubt, }       But to pull the words out of your- }       Head. } }       You owe the oracle 12 conway twitty albums and a book of irish } limeriks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > > > > >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This poem is incredible.  I mean, I have never seen such an } in-depth evaluation into pure nothingness before.  It leaves } the reader with a sense of emptiness, and the reader can truly } feel the poet's pain. } } Technically, the poem is flawless.  There are no questionable } line breaks to confuse the reader.  There are no questionable } word choices in other to make the reader pause.  In other } words, there is nothing that leaves the reader questioning the } poem itself and the poet's method of writing the poem.  So the } poem flows from word to word, from line to line extremely } well.  This is heightened by the lack of punctuation. } } One thing that must be mentioned is the repetition.  I find it } extremely effective, since it echoes the poet's sentiments } without becoming tiresome or annoying.  In line seven, the poet } says: } } > } } which echoes a similar idea of line 2.  However, the repetition } of this idea is necessary, since the reader goes off a slight } tangent beginning in line 4, and needs to be drawn back into } the poem.  The final repetition of this idea (occurring in the } last line), helps to tie the entire poem together. } } As for the meaning of the poem, I think it's about the } essential struggle of one man in modern society and his } attitudes towards love and death.  The poet almost gives us a } sense of hopelessness and despair, but there is also an } underlying theme of hope which can be seen in line 5. } } As for things I do not like about the poem, there are very } few.  I'm wondering if line 3 is really essential to the poem. } While it is very interesting, it does not seem to fit the mood } of the rest of the poem.  Also, I would like to see a stanza } break after line 5.  The poem seems to start in a different } direction after this line, and I think it would make the poem } truly great to see it divided up into two separate thoughts, so } to speak. } } Also, I would like to see a title.  I mean, although the poem } is extremely engaging as it is, I think a title would help to } root me into the poem and give me some sense of where it is } going before I read it.  However, I am a little wary of this } point, because an inadaquate title could destroy the entire } mood of the poem. } } Very nice.  Good use of white space.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose might impresses me mightly, might you tell me, do > you answer yes/no questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are a few different answers to this question.  In fact, } back when I was an undergrad majoring in Omniscience, I did my } thesis on this very topic.  As you, a lowly mortal, cannot } possibly comprehend the majority of my research, I will go over } the basic: } } POSSIBLE ANSWER #1 (YES): There seems little point in answering } the question this way, since it is extremely obvious.  After } being asked whether or not you answer yes or no questions, } "yes" is the most likely answer.  It is very direct, it answers } the question, and it comforms to all rules of logic.  In other } words, very boring. } } POSSIBLE ANSWER #2 (NO): This is the most counter-intuitive } response.  It makes no sense.  Although it is one of the two } options available to the person, by answering the question } "no", a paradox is created.  The most obvious response for } someone attempting humor.  Obvious is usually not good, since } the person has probably already anticipated this answer. } } POSSIBLE ANSWER #3 (MAYBE): This is another obvious response. } It avoids the question, attempts humor, and does not create any } paradoxes.  As stated earlier, obvious is bad. } } POSSIBLE ANSWER #4 (KRILL): Actually, nearly any word in the } English language can be substituted for "krill".  Also avoids } the question, and attempts weirdness.  Hopes to make the reader } laugh in kind of a defensive sort of way, kind of laughing } puzzled since the person asking the question is utterly baffled } and confused.  Makes no sense. } } POSSIBLE ANSWER #5 (COMPLETELY AVOIDING THE QUESTION ALTOGETHER } AND GOING OFF ON A TANGENT CORRELATING SOME SORT OF MATRIX OF } POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND ATTEMPTING TO PASS THE WHOLE THING OFF } AS FUNNY): Probably the best response. } } The Oracle suggests that you study up, since there will be a } pop quiz on this on Tuesday.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Oracle, who have tasted every softdrink that has ever seen the light > of day and can drink seven cans of Cherry Coke without vomiting, only > You posess the knowledge necessary to answer my question: > > Why does Coke cans have pictures of coke bottles on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, it should be "Why do Coke cans...." } } The Oracle needs to explain nostalgia to you.  Nostalgia is that trick } of memorey (yours or somebody elses) that convinces you that things } were better, simpler, easier n number of years back, where n is a } number at least 10 years greater than your age.  It is a human response } to dealing with the reality of the so called "modern age."  It is also } pure poppycock. }  Things were much worse in years gone by.  People were frequently eat } alive on the street by dinosaurs only 30 years ago.  Things are much } better now. Things are always getting better.  We all love Big Brother. } Drink Victory Gin. } } This all leads us to Coke cans and the Coca-Cola Corporation of } Atlanta, Georgia.  Since Coke has been around for such a long } time,(longer than an average human life, a mere blink to the Oracle) } the Coca-Cola Corporation has hit on the idea of tapping the propensity } for nostalgia that most humans display to one degree or another.  So } they put pictures of those Coke bottles that you can no longer get in } an major urban center on their cans and use slogans like "Always" to } indicate that by drinking this Coke you will be magically transported } to a simpler time. } } In fact, you'll be transported to a simpler mind. } } Not only isn't the "Classic" Coke the same thing you were rotting your } teeth with 15 years ago, it is nothing like the stuff in the "simpler } times gone by."  You know why?  Because the original Coca-Cola had } cocaine in it! }  (Why do you think they call it Coke?)  Yes, the "Pause that refreshes" } would be a narcotic today.  A great way to get repeat buyers; get them } addicted.  (This ploy was also (and still is) quite sucessfully used by } the cigarette companies.)  Of course, modern Coke is not much better. } They put caffine into it instead.  If caffine were discovered today, } there would be no way that the FDA would approve it for human } consumption; the fact that we've been taking it for years seems to make } it okay though. } } So, the short answer is, Coke is trying yet another cheap/expensive } ploy to get you to drink their poisonous sugar water. } } You owe the Oracle a tall glass of lemonade.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and might oracle, who has people groveling for his help left > and right, please tell me the answer to this qustion: > > Say there are three boxes sitting on a table, and one has a prize in > it. Say i choose box C, and you open box A, to find it empty. Do I Have > a better chance of winning the prize if i change my mind and pick box B? > > I have been shown a proof for this, which says that it is indeed a > better choice to switch boxes. But i don't follow this, can you please > explain! > > Your supplicant, > me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Supplicant. This is an old puzzle indeed. Traditionally it is } known as the Monty Hall puzzle. There are two possible explanations. } The statistical version, or the Oracular version. First the statistical } version: } } Supplicant: (Thinks) Well, I've got a 1/3 chance of winning, whichever }             box I pick. So I'll pick box C. (Speaks) I'll take box C. } Monty Hall: Are you sure about that? } Supplicant: Yes. } Monty Hall: How about if I open this box? (He opens box A). } Supplicant: (Thinks) Aha. There are three possible ways this could have }             happened. I could have chosen at the beginning empty box }             one, empty box two, or prize box three. If I selected prize }             box three then all well and good, I win by sticking with }             this choice. If I selected empty box one or two, however, I }             would win by changing my mind, since the remaining box }             definitely contains the prize. (Speaks) Now I'll have box B. } Monty Hall: You're sure about that now? } Supplicant: Yes. } Monty Hall: Congratulations. You've won a car! } } <Audience applause> } } And now the Oracular solution: } } Oracle:     Which box is the prize in? } Monty Hall: Sorry? } Oracle:     Which box is the prize in? } Monty Hall: No, you don't understand. You have to guess. Then I'll open }             up one of the other boxes to show it's empty. Then you can }             change your mind if you want. } Oracle:     Tell me which box the prize is in or I'll ZOT you so hard }             they'll have to paint the prize black and drive you to the }             graveyard in it. } Monty Hall: Okay, okay, it's box B. } Oracle:     I'll have box B. } Monty Hall: Congratulations. You've won a car! } } <Audience applause> } } There, you see? Couldn't be simpler. } } You owe the Oracle the contents of Box A. However, in Box C are all } your earnings from now until the day you die. Do you want to change } your mind and give me Box B instead?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise Oracle to whom my ancestors bow down: > > I live in Thailand. Recently my wife, angered at supposed philandering > on my part, severed my penis with a kitchen knife while I was asleep. > She threw the disembodied penis out the window where it was captured by > a duck. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For God's SAKE, man!  Catch that duck! } } As a former resident of Thailand, the Oracle happens to know that } an exquisite and unforgettable dish can be prepared of severed } penis over roast duck.  The combination produces a sensuous aroma } which cannot be described by any known language.  Any rumors } that the taste resembles that of a hot-dog is pure rubbish.  As } I have said, the flavor is simply indescribable.  Be sure to } flame-broil the penis at precisely 250 degrees Celcius until } browned, and use your favorite oils and spices.  If desired you } may dice the penis and let the shreds cover the roasted duck, } or simply tuck it under one wing. } } In addition, you might want to be sure your wife (being mainly } responsible for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity) have the } lion's share of the mail.  Fair is fair, after all. } } You owe the Oracle one batch of condoms, since you probably } won't have much use for them anymore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What actually _is_ a Twinkie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you are referring to the yellow-orange mini-loaf-shaped } aeroelastically-expanded lubricant-filled pseudo-consumable } object that is delivered in pairs wrapped in cellophane with } a carboard backer board, then your question is a worthy one. } If you are instead referring to a young woman with appealing } physical attributes, you are a sexist pig. } } The former is the archetypical junk food.  It provides to the } consumer a high-intensity, short-duration burst of metabolic } activity that is described in layman's terms as "a sugar high" } followed shortly thereafter by a gastrointestinal disturbance } known as "heartburn."  Prolonged consumption of these "Twinkies" } can delay the onset of rigor mortis after death, by saturating } the body with preservatives. } } Modern folklore has it that Twinkies are inordinately expensive in } areas frequented by tourists.  For example, it is rumored that } the cost of a two-pack can exceed $1.00 in Honolulu. } } You owe the Oracle 6 Chocodiles and a roll of Tums.