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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apathy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Will she ever really come back to me? > >       And will she be truthful and faithful then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, she won't.  You shouldn't have thrown the stick over the cliff and } shouted "Fetch."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty one, why has the quality of the Oracle's responses shown such > a down-turn? > > A. Supplicant, Rotherhide.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  While normally the Mighty Oracle would zot you intooblivion for } daring to suggest quality control problems in the Oracle's } responses, the fact of the matter is (and keep this under your } hat, favoured supplicant, we don't want a panic) there have been } some problems. }       You see, the Great Oracle got a little carried away with } the NAFTA treaty, and decided to contract out some work to a } Mexican firm who specialized in divinations and handbag } manufacture, which would ease up the Oracle's workday a bit. The } Net's been growing, you know. Unfortunately, the Oracle has now } learned (Yes, I'm omniscient, but things still sometimes slip My } mind) that the Mexican firm had hired not soothsayers, but those } damn infinite monkeys with their infinite typewriters, who were } answering supplicants essentially randomly. However, the company } failed to realise that no matter how low the per monkey salary } is, if you have infinite monkeys you also have an infinitly large } payroll (not to mention a need for infinite bananas), and they } have since gone bankrupt. }       Service should return to normal shortly. } }       You owe the Oracle a book on contract law and a good lawyer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to know where I can reach someone who would like to write > letters on email just for fun.  How do I get in touch with them? > >                                       Help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey! I've had a great idea! What you should do is set up a kind of } 'writing co-operative'. You could have it so that email is anonymously } forwarded from one person to another, and then the answer is sent back. } Actually, that's such a good idea I think I'll do it myself... now... } what shall I call it?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (One moment, I'll connect you...) } } We're sorry.  Romeo is not available at this time. } } Press 1 if you'd like to speak with another member of Romeo's family. } } Press 2 if you're interested in a lucrative career in the field of } doomed romance. } } Press 3 to hear more about Romeo's upcoming special guest appearance on } 90210. } } If you are using a rotary phone, or can feel life's strength ebbing } from you, please hold the line and an operator will be with you anon. } } (You owe the Oracle a comma remover.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OhgreatandmagnificentOraclewhoalwaysobeysthepostedspeedlimitandyet > stillmanagestoarriveathisdestinationfiveminutesearly,whoneverwakes > uponthewrongsideofthebedorsuffersfrommorningbreath,whosewisdomshines > uponourfaceslikethelightofathousandlavalamps,pleasespareafractionof > yourvaluabletimetoanswerthisquestionforme: > > Whatdoesthatbiglongunmarkedkeyatthebottomofacomputerkeyboarddo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thatbiglongunmarkedkeyatthebottomofacomputerkeyboardisaspacebarand } withoutitwordstendtobemuchtoolong.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle Research Unlimited } Progress Report #324562A } Monkeys and Typewriters Project } } We have had an infinite number of monkeys sitting at an } infinite number of typewriters for about a third of } eternity so far.  While they have yet to produce anything } by Shakespeare (disregarding the near miss of 'Beavis and } Butthead of Verona'), we have achieved a small advance. } As is shown above, one of our subjects has managed to } generate an answer to "What does a tree sound like if it } falls in the forest and no one cares?" } } Also, in response to recent criticism, we have determined that } the number of monkeys is countably infinite, and not uncountable. } There is simply no way to diagonalize a monkey. } } We are running low on Monkey Chow and need extra funding to } get the Project (and the monkeys) through the fiscal year. } }              The Monkey Team

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   How can I decode the crypted jokes ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fvzcyr, fvyyl crefba. Lbh unir gb eha vg guebhtu EBG-13, juvpu vf } n fvzcyr fhofgvghgvba pvcure. Gurer ner sbhe erpbzzraqrq jnlf gb } qb guvf. } } 1) Fpna sbe gur zbfg pbzzba yrggref. Gurfr ner cebonoyl R, G naq } F. Fhofgvghgr gurz, naq ybbx sbe pbzzba jbeqf. Svyy va gur jbeqf } lbh guvax ner pbeerpg, naq fhofgvghgr gur nccebcevngr yrggref. } Ercrng. } } 2) Hfr gur sbyybjvat Ha*k furyy fpevcg: } ge n-m a-mn-z | ge N-M A-MN-Z } } 3) Guvax erny uneq nobhg guvf: } N=A O=B P=C, rgp. } } 4) Uvg <fuvsg-K> va gur Bar Gehr Arjf Ernqre. } } Lbh bjr gur Benpyr gur zna cntr sbe ea(1) naq lbhe orfg } pbyyrpgvba bs rapelcgrq wbxrf.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there more seeds in tomatoe or a cucumber?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, that depends on the size of each vegetable in question.  Hang on a } sec while I run out to the supermarket. } } [Fading foot steps heard on wooden floor.  Door slams shut] } [Time lapse...    20 minutes] } [Door slams again.] } } Geez, you know how hard it is to buy just one of each of these things? } Okay, down to our test.  [Pulls out Ginsu knife.] } } WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK *YOW!* } [Sucks index finger.] } Of all I do to keep these miserable supplicants pleased... } } WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK } } And now we count individual seeds from each of them... } 1...2...3...4...5... } [Another time lapse as counts every friggin' seed from each veggie] } [Total time lapse:  13 hours.  Oracle sitting in darkened room save }       for one flashlight] } } *phew*  I've done it.  There are ... ah ... um ... I thought I } took note of that number...  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! } } You owe the Oracle a better way to spend his weekend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O temporal Oracle, whose asynchronous answers transcend time, please > tell me: > > How long must I wait?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is contemplating your question. } } Expect your answer in a millennium or two.