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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o your wisdomness, provide a solution to my dilemma: > > what's the difference between a duck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker, }    This is a common question. }    The difference between a duck is roughly equal to that of a pigeon, } only more so.  The yellow-bellied sapsucker is another good example, } only not nearly.  It's important to keep in mind when comparing a duck } that in mating and migration season it is the same. }    Hope this helps-- } } The Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What's the matter with the car I'm driving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The Oracle would like to point out that you are facing the wrong } direction, which should explain the difficulty you are having driving. } The Oracle is suprised that it took you this long to notice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, your brightness would blind any supplicant.  Pray, shine > only a small beam of your awesome majesty upon me... > > When should I be worried that I'm drinking too much coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Too much coffee" is a vague term, so I'll quantify it.  Rate yourself } and your relationship with coffee, using the standard Oracular 1-to-5 } scale (5 is least dangerous, 1 is most dangerous): } } 5:  If I drink coffee at all, it's at the occasional social event.  One } cup only. } } 4:  I like the taste of coffee, and I've been known to patronize the } local gourmet coffee house.  I even occasionally drink it for the } caffeine hit, but only if I have to wake up really early. } } 3:  Can't start the morning without that first hot cup; my co-workers / } classmates avoid me until the caffeine kicks in. } } 2:  I used to keep a coffee pot at all the computer labs at school, but } not anymore; I just bought a battery-operated coffee pot that fits in } my backpack.  Juan Valdez named his oldest child after me.  The last } time I paid my bill at the local gourmet coffee house, the owner told } Harvard to cancel the student loans, because he just came up with the } tuition money for all five kids. } } 1:  I drink coffee through an IV.  My only exercise is caffeine } jitters.  The last time I tried to cut down, the bottom fell out of the } coffee-bean futures market. } } I hope that gives you a better idea of your coffee consumption. } } You owe the Oracle a coffee maker of his very own.  Zeus always hogs } the community coffee pot...never puts any money in the coffee fund, } either.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon m*, but th* * k*y on my t*rminal has brok*n, and I can't s**m > to fix it.  Can you do som*thing to h*lp m*, pl*as*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pull your thumb out of your asterisk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle (bow and scrape), how does one > actually connect physically to the Omnipresent and Omnipotent > Internet? > > I don't mean through a modem to a company that offers the service, but > how could I connect my home computer directly to the Ever-present and > All-powerful Internet. > > Your most humble and obedient servant. > > HAL ;-{)}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet is everywhere.  It flows through us, connects us.  It is } in all living things.  You must feeeeel the Internet running through } you.  Channel it, feel it, repect it.  Then you may be ready to learn } how to connect with it. } } You owe the Oracle a few floating rocks, a small green puppet with } funny ears, and a hamster named Chewie... } } May the Internet be with you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> q > q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ---------- } |q       | } |q      @+ } |        | } ---------- } } ---------- } | q      | } | q    @ + } |        | } ---------- } } ---------- } |  q     | } |  q --@ + } |        | } ---------- } } ---------- } |**q**   | } |**q** @ + } |*****   | } ---------- } } ---------- } | (  /   | } |$ !?  @ + } | = $    | } ----------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other oracle isn't any good, just keeps telling me lies, so I'm > turning to you as a last resort.  The Mafia keep following me around. > They hide behind trees and stare at me.  Sometimes they look through > my windows at night when I'm asleep.  And the FBI puts poison in my > peanutbutter, so I don't eat it.  They all want me dead, but I've > fooled them, I use mirrors.  What can I do to make them go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop posting MAKE.MONEY.FAST and maybe I'll reconsider my death } sentence. Better hurry... I've offered half of Bill Gates' net worth as } a bounty, and he's willing to pay it.  Evidently someone at Microsoft } got the letter and it's been circulating rather heavily. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Dave Rhodes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  This dike keeps springing leaks and I'm running out of fingers! > Plus, the water's getting *really* high!  What should I do?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Wet Supplicant, } }       Well, when the water covers up one of your fingers, it's safe to } remove that finger. It has something to do with water pressure--the } explanation would be too complicated for a mortal such as yourself. } Using this clever method, you should be able to reuse fingers when they } become obsolete, thus maximizing their leak-stopping potential. You } could also use the sides of your face and your feet to stop the flow of } water. }       As far as the more general picture as to what you should do, I } say take a bath, you ungroveling snot. } }       You owe the Oracle a junior swimming lifesaver award.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'll get right to the point.  You're the greatest mind I ever > hope to encounter.  I can only turn to you for wisdom.  Please don't > fail me, as you're my only hope. > > Can MUD addicts be cured and brought back to real life by therapy on a > more life-like MUD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracuco is pleased to announce the world's first non-recreational MUD } -- RealityMUD!!!!  Want to live the lifestyle of the little people? } Or perhaps you want to wind up.  RealityMUD is just what you are } looking for.  Here is a sample session: } } INTERSTATE 5 } You are driving your Yugo down Interstate 5.  Traffic seems to be } unusually light for this time of day.  Your home is 15 miles away. } } The truck in front of you moves forward 110 feet before it stops again. } } >Drive forward 110 feet. } } Your home is now 14.998 miles away. } } >Pass truck. } } To do that, you will have to switch lanes. } } >Switch lanes. } } You wisely decide not to switch lanes when you see that you would } crash into a Lexus on the right and a highway barrier on the left. } } The truck in front of you moves forward 50 feet. } } >Move forward 50 feet. } } Too late!  A Jaguar cuts you off. } } >Yell "Are there any babes out there that want to have MUD sex with } me?" } } Your shouting is overpowered by the drone of car engines. } } The Jaguar moves forward 50 feet before it stops again. } } >Drive forward 60 feet. } } Do you want to ram the Jaguar? } } >Yes. } } In a Yugo?  You must be kidding! } } >No. } } You seem very negative today. } } >Stop car and get out. } } Do you really want to stop your car on the freeway? } } >Yes, I do. } } In a Yugo?  You must be kidding! } } ><Sigh> Drive forward 50 feet. } } You are now 14.997 miles from home. } } You owe the Oracle a MUD Lexus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked my doctor about Richard Stallman, and he said, "Are you > annoyed that Stallman is vivid?"  What should I do about my doctor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's good to see that your software company has finally decided } to seek expert help. It certainly is a tough slog competing against } a company that doesn't even charge for its products. } } But I'm left wondering, "Is a guy with a PhD in Computer Science } _really_ the best man for a mentor?" } } I guess there will always be the "Brains are best" mentality when it } comes to software development, but is that really the way to go? I } think that OS/2 has clearly shown us that your average punter doesn't } give a stuff about asynchronous multiprocessing, and object oriented } design, but just wants to know "Will I feel superior to all those } deluded Macintosh users if I buy this product?" } } Yes, my answer to you is "Marketing, marketing, marketing!" When you } guys finally get your "Wordstar for Programmers" onto the market, you } want to hear "Here, take my $2000, I just want a copy!" rather than } "Yes, I must say, I find this hypertext help system most intuitive!" } } As for your doctor, sack the geek. How is "Are you annoyed that } Stallman is vivid?" going to get you your first million, let alone your } second? What you want to be hearing from your mentor is "That guy is } dirt, you hear, DIRT! And I don't want to hear that kind of language } used in this office EVER again, understand? This product is going to be } _so_ successful that people are going to be saying 'Richard who?' Our } subliminal marketing campaign is in full swing as of today, and soon we } will grind that guy right back into the crud that he crawled out of. } Got it!" } } Of course, even if you take my advice, you are doomed to failure. You } think you are going to get anywhere in this world without a decent } grovel? Not likely matey! } } You owe the Oracle the movie rights to the accidental demolition of } your building next week.