Goto:

64, 64-01, 64-02, 64-03, 64-04, 64-05, 64-06, 64-07, 64-08, 64-09, 64-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ho, where de plank road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho, where the fucking plank road is, }     Yo, ho, blow the squid down } There my fucking escape from the muck is, }     Yo, ho, the squid's gone to town. } There will go tramp I all shoeless and bootless }     Yo, ho, blow the squid down } And so ye shall find me all stark and computeless, }     Yo, ho, the squid's made me drown. } And there will you catch me five crayons and bad tidings, }     Yo, ho, blow the squid down, } And we will all eat them with blackings and whitings, }     Yo, sir, keep your squid off my gown!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't Touch-Tone phones play proper musical notes?  Is it to keep > people from playing tunes on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fal-la-la-la-la (533312) } Fal-la-la-la-la (531212) } The phone makes such sweet noise (723512) } The phone makes sweet sweet sound (723521) } Fal-La-La-La-La (533312) } Oh listen to its sweet ring-a-ding (63984323) } Its ring-a-ding-a-day (533312) } Oh hear its sweet sharp bleeping (9237855) } Each ring-y-ding-y-day (533312)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What famous person is quoted as saying, "I'll clean the lint out of your > navel anytime!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This was Madonna's response to Clint Eastwood's famous quote, } "Go ahead, make my day." } } This was also Madonna's response when President Regan repeated } this same quote.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I have a net.goddess for Christmas? Huh? Can I? Huh? Just one? > OpleaseOpleaseOpleaseOplease? I been good all year! pleasepleaseplease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My! Aren't we an eager one! } } Well I must say that you were very good this year. } } However, the records dept. has brought something to my } attantion.  The following is an excerpt from the } official Records Of Human Existance. } }       May 21, 1989 }       3:34 pm } }       Subject #RNH1245EX4711Z (That is you.) was driving }       an auto, and blew the auto's horn to acknowledge }       a friend passing in the other direction.  This noise }       disturbed the white poodle Bitzy, belonging to }       Subject #FHR2365RT3873H (Mrs. Elenore Jenkins), }       when the dog was in the act of excretion.  Let the }       record show that the Bitzy was never again able }       to go out side, let alone take a crap.  The dog }       died nine days later. } } As you can see, there may be some difficuly in sending you } a net.goddess for Christmas.  But I'll try to pull some strings } for you since you said please, and I despise poodles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O knowledgeable one, which is better, length or width? And I am not > referring to the size of a baseball bat either.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are so grossly mistaken, my imagination fails to find words for my } contempt.  The better one is of course depth. } } You owe the oracle 'The TeX book'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why are people constantly putting up messages saying:'Kill the Oracle!' > Did you rape someone?Pillage a village?Rob a bank?Why do these angry > mobs want you dead?Why?WHY?!?!?!Tell me!!You're hiding something from > us,aren't you!?!?!?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh questor of periphery knowledge: } } Ever read Greek plays?  Remember Cassandra?  She could tell the future, } but no one would listen to her and eventually killed her. } I would like to say that this is why I am hated, but, alas, such is not } the case. } The truth is this... } Deep in the unprobed subconscious of every child is the knowledge that } I, The Oracle, am responsible for ever one of those Malted Milk Balls } (Whoppers too)  that have nothing in the middle but air. } It is this secret knowledge that all children have that surfaces at the } name of the oracle, and while they don't know why, they find hatred } within themselves. } Why do I sabotage innocent Malt Balls? } Well, now that's another story... } }  In confession, }                   The Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why O Oracle, is "Password:" capitalized, but "login:" not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A fascinating question.  I asked Ken Thompson, who is Lisa's current } love slave, and he related the following story: } } He and Dennis were hacking away at the password code one night when a } drunken, misguided college student staggered into the terminal room and } said, "Dudes!  Where's the party?" Ken, who thought he'd heard "Where's } the parity", handed over his last parity bit, which happened to be the } one for the "p" in "password".  (It was naturally in lower case.) This } changed it to a "P", and the rest is history. } } You owe the oracle a more interesting question.  Oh, and a beer.  I just } had four boxes of chips (80386's), and they were SALTY.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that sometimes, late a night, Brian Kernighan, Dennis Ritche, > Ken Thompson, and all those other guys, get together over a few beers > and make sarcastic comments like "Unix?  Yeah, I guessss it's a good > idea Dennis!" and generally sit around being incredibly smug about this > whole Unix/C thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but the smug remarks are just a cover.  When they get home, they } work on the language D and the operating system Binix, which will make } them millionaires by the end of 1992.  They're also hacking away at } Y-windows (1995) and Fmacs (1997).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I so often forget on which side of the building I've parked my > bike?  In about 75 % of the cases, I go out through the wrong exit, and > have either to go back in and take the other exit (which feels > ridiculous) or to go around the entire physics department (which *is* > ridiculous).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not, and take comfort:  it is because you are destined to be a } Great Scientist.  Only the truly great ones are this forgetful.  Bohr } frequently forgot who his wife was.  Fermi used to fill his cup with hot } coffee in the morning and wonder how it had gotten so cold so quickly } when he remembered to take a sip in the afternoon.  Gauss kept } forgetting how to have sex, and his wife had to show him again about one } time in three.  Newton couldn't remember if he was heterosexual or } homosexual, and kept buggering Colin Maclaurin, finding each time that } he didn't really enjoy it very much and therefore must be straight. } } Forgetting about your bicycle indicates a talent high in the second rank } of scientists -- Nobel Prize caliber, if you're lucky.  But actually you } will be one of the greats, because of that little problem you haven't } admitted -- you keep forgetting how to put on a condom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, last night I had to replace the cranks on my bicycle. > As you know, the left hand crank is held in place by a left-handed > screw.  I couldn't find a matching left-hand screw so I used a > right-handed one instead.  As I ride the bicycle now, will my left leg > fall off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but be careful about all that left-handed screwing.  There's } something sinister about it unless you are ambisexterous.