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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any problems which are not computable by a Turing machine but > are computable by another machine? (Thus disproving Church's thesis?) >  -Your most grovelling and humble,human no-mind servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes: } } "Define the state of the light inside a refrigerator as } x and the state of the door as y.  Define the possible } values of x and y as 0 (off or closed) and 1 (on or open). } Calculate the value of x given that y=0." } } A refrigerator can solve this problem.  A Turing machine can't. } } You owe the Oracle a new refrigerator since this Turing machine } I got for Christmas is becoming obsolete quickly.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most great and wise oracle (genuflect, bow, scrape knees on > asphalt)please impart on me your bright beacon of hope and > wisdom and tell me the answer to this: > > If the grim reaper, the spectre of death, were to wear brighter > colors and say more cheerful things, such as "hey, you picked a > really nifty day to die, tell you what, I'll take you on the > scenic route to yourfeild of eternal frolic!" or "Man, that > sure is one whale of a knock you took in that there fender > bender.  I'd give a 9.5, and that gives you a dozen extra tickets > for the millenia drawing for a ride in God's golf cart." > If the keeper to the keys of life were to do these sorts of things, > would people be less afraid of death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, what a great question!  You picked a hum-dinger of a question to } ask, and by coincidence it's also the 666th question asked today. } Congratulations, friend!  You're on your way to the greatest afterlife } ever! } } You owe the Oracle your soul.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, >       Is it better to have loved and lost than to have played miniature > golf and lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As long as you have fun getting it in the hole...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is an oracularity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do turds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You might as well ask: why do mules fall in love?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please great oracle, could you please tell me the meaning of meaning > of life

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The meaning of life, is it?  You want to know the meaning of life? } When children are starving, when old folks are dying, when the moon } waxes and wanes, when the Usenet Oracle bothers to attend to } questions, you want to know the meaning of life?  Hold on a minute. } } (Ghod, I get so bored with this question!) } } Today I think I'll ask someone else for an answer.  <Oracle yells to } Clown College.>  HEY BOZO!  BOZO THE CLOWN!!  WHAT'S THE MEANING OF } LIFE? } } Sorry, I forgot, today is Bozo's nose's day off.  Without his nose, } he's just not himself.  Oh, goodness, I just noticed that you really } wanted the meaning of "meaning of life."  That'll take a saint. }            ^^^^^^^^^^ } Well, let's try one of the Saints.  <Oracle dials telephone to Mt. } Auburn Cemetery.>  MRS. EDDY!  WHAT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE? } } Mrs. Eddy, did you say "God?"  That's it, life is just "God"???  Ok, } now what's the meaning of God? } } Hold on, that's a mouthful.  Let me write this down for my supplicant. } "The incorporeal divine Principle ruling over all as eternal Spirit: } infinite Mind."  Well, there you have it, the meaning of meaning of } life, straight from Mrs. Eddy.  I'm not sure it'll help you, but at } least it can't make you sick.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and omnicool Oracle, > > Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one of those mysterious facts that is obvious to all but the } most idiotic.  You are supposed to buy four packages of hot dogs, and } five packages of the buns. } } You owe the Oracle two hot dogs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, please help me with my difficulty. > > I am a personnel manager for a large company.  With the recent > requirements for political correctness I am concerned about my title, > and the fact that I use a personal computer.  The problem is obvious: > "personnel" has "son" in it as does personal, and "manager" has "man". > I have therefore sent out a memo which I reproduce below: > > From: J. Bloggs, Perpeoplel perpeopleager > To:   All staff > Re:   Perpeoplal computers > > Henceforth all "personal computers" will be known as "perpeoplal > computers" in recognition of the potential political incorrectness of > the former name. > > J. Bloggs, chairperpeople, PC committee > > Anyway, to my question: > My analyst has started asking for danger money.  Should I pay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's even worse than you thought. } } The English "people" comes from the Latin "populus."  While "populus" } refers to people in general, it is gramatically of masculine gender. } However, it may be replaced by a gender-neutral term for a } gender-neutral concept, such as the Tlingit word "makchutep," meaning } people in general. Unfortunately, makchutep contains the syllable } "chu," which is strongly reminiscent of the Lahu word "chur," meaning } one's best friend's uncles. It must therefore be replaced by the Lower } Middle Late Pidgin Yiddish "Svolbtz," a slang term for collateral } relatives of any gender.  This may be done freetly, since LMLPY is } completely free of gender references (coincidentally, this language was } only spoken by a group of seven shopkeepers and their families in a } small village near Gdansk, where it soon passed out of use, since it } proved impossible to gossip effectively in LMLPY).  To sum up, you may } safely refer to yourself as a } "Permaksvolbtztepl Permaksvolbtztepger" without fear of offending } anyone. Other words may be changed accordingly. } } Your analyst is a heavily disguised alien from Venus.  It is attempting } to charge you more in order to finance the construction of a } mind-control network base on microwave oven technology.  Kill it.  Kill } it now. } } You owe the Oracle a gender-neutral translation of the Kama Sutra.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once upon a midnight dreary, while my eyes were blank and bleary, > From incessant peering, leering, staring at my terminal,-- > While I jittered from my caffiene, suddenly there came a laughing, > As of some crazed loony, halfing victims like an animal. > "'Tis myself," I muttered, "I'm becoming like an animal. >     Brain is oozing out my skull." > > I had to look for some enjoyment for a break from my employment, > Or another programmer would turn into a criminal. > As I typed my program kludgy on my monitor so smudgy, > Suddenly, I saw a budgie perched upon my terminal. > Strange, for me to see a budgie perched upon my terminal! >     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > I said, "I am much too weary to compose a proper query, > And I know much better than to go submit the question null. > I would like to give an answer like a ballet needs a dancer, > But, you fiend, you know I can't, sir, when the queue is never full. > When I try an askme then that question queue is never full." >     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > I replied, "You cowardly craven, stop at once your misbehavin', > Do you think you are a raven perching on my terminal? > I would rater cross savannah, eat an over-ripe banana, > Than to contact Indiana with a question terrible. > Yes, the Oracle will never take my question terrible." >     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > Oracle, we know you know it.  I hate budgies.  Do I show it? > Humbly, Edgar Allen Poet.  Please reply soon, Oracle. > P.S.  I am getting pudgy eating roasted basted budgie. > Though it tastes a little sludgy, I find it is quite edible. > Would you like to try some budgie roast?  It is quite edible. >     Quoth the poet, "I am full."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are so evil - even borderline medieval, } When claiming to be so ill, you dare tempt The Oracle. } I want none of that roast "lovebird" - the mere thought is simply }   absurd, } That I would blindly take your word that that bird is not a gull. } I like parrots, in fact love them - but I bet you pawned on me a gull. }       Quoth this poet, "That is bull." } } I won't eat a bird so common - I would rather eat two strawmen. } Ask again, and I'll call lawmen before you can count to four. } I've uncovered your nasty plot.  Your wicked plans are all for naught. } Let your "parrot" rot.  ZOT ZOT ZOT!!!  Now straighten up as before. } You owe me a real lovebird, not a gull as done before. }      Poet, try that nevermore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently the Oracle's previous advice has been taken to heart. } Although duct tape has cured your drooling problem, I fear } you may have been to generous in application.  Remove some of } it from your face and hands so you can breathe, think, and type } normally. } } You owe the Oracle undying gratitude and continued silence.