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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most linguistic & linguine-loving Oracle, > > Why must there be so many languages in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People find the need to think of new ways of asking: }   You have a beautiful farm. May I sleep with your daughter? } and the language naturally follows. } } You owe the Oracle a new farm, with all the trimmings.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the internet is a tool of the devil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       No!!!        There       isn't }     any          way         the }    life-        blood       of the }    computer    geeks  of   the world }    is a  tool  of  satan.  If it were, }    by     now  you  would  have  seen }    some  kind  of   sign.  Just  look }     around!     Nothing     strange }      to see      at all,     spud. } } You owe the Oracle a mechanical alarm clock, a copy of Cooking with } Carol Channing, and one of those cute dog-shaped candles with sad eyes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What in the world is a 'Script of the Green Card Lottery'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a form of chain mail where you send out 9000 messages and } get 30,000 in return. It's illegal for everyone except lawyers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Ok, my first time to use the Oracle... I'm searching for two > databases I have heard of referring to obtaining scholarships/grants... > I've used Gopher/Veronica as well as the WWW with little success... I > have managed to find the address to one of the databases, IRIS > (uxh.cso.uiuc.edu) but I have not figured what to log in as... The > other database I have been told about is knows as "Stanford University > Scholarships and Fellowships File"... I gophered all over the Stanford > area looking for this one, no luck... Anything you can do to point me > in the right direction would be greatly appreciated... TIA > > TA/DA/BE/DH - Peace

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually the great and mighty Oracle requires a grovel, } but since you are a neopthye, and yet unknowing of the } customs of the Oracle, I will forgo the usual zot. } } You should have put Archie on top of Veronica } and logged in as Jughead. The password is sugar sugar. } } And as far as Stanford goes, I hear that they are out } of business. They were annexed by UCLA.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Seduction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INTERIOR -- A MANSION. } } CLOSE-UP on a woman's hand which is on a bottle of perfume.  In the } background, out of focus, is a blue glowing rectangle.  We hear a } tapping sound. } }                               WOMAN }                       Seduction.  The one way. } } Focus changes to show that in the background is a rather non-descript } terminal.  A man sits at it, typing.  His eyes are glazed over, he is } roughly shaven, and he pays no attention to the woman. } } Cut to the lower half of the woman's face. } }                               WOMAN }                       Seduction.  The only way. } } The camera pulls back to show her upper torso as she strides } confidently towards the man.  She places her hand on his shoulder.  He } does not move except to continue typing. } } Close-up on her hand, reaching for a bottle of perfume.  She sprays it } across the man's face.  He sneezes. } }                               WOMAN }                             Seduction. } }                             VOICE-OVER }                   Sometimes it's the only way... }                       to get his attention. } } Camera follows the man's hand as he wipes his nose, then resumes } typing. Then the camera cuts to the woman's face. } }                               WOMAN }                              Dammit! } } Blackout.  On-screen the word "Seduction". } }                             VOICE-OVER }                       It may not always work... }                     but, hey, it was worth a try. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Joey Buttafuoco's "Lolita".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you like Mondays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every Monday, Oracle is halted, and put into single-supplicant mode, } and then rebooted.  This done in order to remove those few supplicant } processes that refuse to ZOT! (also known as zombie-supplicants). } The whole procedure takes only a minute or two. } } Do I like Mondays? } No, Mondays always bring me down.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You want fries with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you must be aware, the question you have so bluntly put forward is } one that has toubled many great thinkers for centuries.  Whether it is } better to be ruled by the instinctive urge to devour cholesterol-packed } food substances, or to abstain and not have a heart attack? } } It is said that many years ago when a certain great philosopher was } offered a plate of grease-laden fried tubers,  he found himself so } completely unable to deal with the tremendous implications of the } situation that he gave up philosophy completely and was later seen } working as a turnip farmer. } } Yet a question so profound cannot slip through the grasp of The } Oracle's infinite clairvoyance. } } So I give you your answer. } } YES GIVE ME THE FRIES } } Not that The Oracle has any intention of consuming this vile food } product.  Rather the oil pressed from it will serve quite niceley to } light The Oracle's Lamp of Infinite Knowledge for a great many weeks, } as well as to fuel the power generator for The Oracle's Computer of } Grandiose Wisdom and Internet Connectivity. } } You owe The Oracle one tofu burger.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wonderous and spiffy Oracle, who's inner light is brighter than > the counter at Krispy Kream Doughnuts; please oh please, enlighten > this earnest seeker. > >  Okay, I have the power glove on my right hand and a tube of Jiffy > Lube in my left. I'm wearing the virtual reality goggles and I've got > the cuff on my thingy. I can see Claudia Schiffer in front of me, but > when my mom starts running the vacuum cleaner she turns into Larry > Holmes. What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracular Consumer Watch Action Group (OCWAG) investigated your } complaint by contacting SexSoRealCo.  Their spokesmodel, "Buffy" } LaTour, gave the following written statement: } }                    x             x             x } 15 April } From: SexSoRealCo.  "Makers of Fine 'Experiences'" } To: OCWAG; c/o The Usenet Oracle } } Dear Sirs: }   All of SexSoRealCo.'s products have built-in DePrivacyGuard(tm) } algorithms, which, when activated by sounds obviously not generated } by the user (a door opening, somebody else's voice, etc.) remove } the active simulation and replace it with a non-sexually related } one, in order to protect the user's privacy and health. }   This guard of one's actions was first developed for various } computer games, to allow the players to seem to be doing productive } work when a supervisor was present, but it had to be manually } activated.  The DePrivacyGuard(tm) is fully automated, an asset } which allows the user to concentrate on his action at hand.  It cannot } be overridden, but has the advantage of detecting intrusions before } the user might. }   The scene from the LarryHolmesTron(tm) is the pilot software product } of our affiliated venture, RealLiveSportsCo.  Researchers have found } the LarryHolmesTron(tm) and similar high-intensity sports simulators } to relieve stress in the workplace, and can be found in the board } rooms and gymnasiums of many Fortune 500 corporations.  We are very } proud of this new venture, and I hope your client can understand our } desire to include promotional demos of it in our products. }   However, there have been understandable complaints about the reaction } sensitivity of the DePrivacyGuard(tm), which SexSoRealCo. has addressed } with revision 1.3.  The revision offers an adjustable sensitivity } threshold, ranging from nonresponsive to extrasensitive.  Upgrades for } the ClaudiaSchifferTron(tm) are available to users who mail in the } cover of their current manual along with $28 for shipping and handling } (add $12 for RUSH service, $15 for guaranteed delivery, $11 for fast } check clearance, and $23 for PrivacySecured(tm) packaging). }   We apologise for any inconvenience caused to your client, and hope } that in the future we can satisfy him fully. }                                                Hugs, }                                               "Buffy" LaTour

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I beg of you, share your wisdom with me. > > Not long ago, I had the opportunity to participate in an architectural > expedition in an ancient part of New England. > > We excavated a high tor and found beneath it a room full of dusty > scraps of paper, and on the wall, an inscription, which we eventually > deciphered. It read: > > "In two rooms full of typography, In downtown Boston, dread Kibo sits > grepping." > > What, oh mighty Oracle, does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kibo was of three newsgroups, } Like a FAQ } In which there are three keywords. } } Kibo whirled in binary spurts. } It was a small part of the internet. } } A user and a moderator } Are one. } A user, a moderator, and Kibo } Are one. } } Kibo knew which to prefer, } The flattery of omnipresence } Or the cheapness of overexposure. } Cyberrecognition } Or cyberscorn. } } Netlag filled the 23x81 screen } With barbaric line noise. } The keyword Kibo } Crossed it, to and fro. } The flamers } cursing indecipherably } Felt unquenchable envy. } } O skinny adolescents at keyboards, } Why do you imagine windowed interfaces? } Do you not see how Kibo } Trips the light fandango } With mere Unix commands? } } I know how to compose diacriticals } Or telnet to sites in Finland. } But I know, too, } That Kibo is involved } In what I know. } } When Kibo flew out of sight } Others lurked on his behalf } On the edges of many circles. } } The Net is expanding. } Kibo must be grepping. } } Rough music rattled Sprintnet. } Information was flowing } And information was going to flow. } Kibo lurked } In the cyberspace. } } You owe the Oracle no possum, no sop, and no taters.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To be or not to be. > > (That is the question)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            DEC/Oracle Marketing Survey: 17-April-94 } }                          I N V O I C E } } To testing questionnaire over 10,000 ABC1 in Manchester Market Street. } } To being or not being.               $2500.00. } To suffering slings and arrows.      $3200.47. } To outrageous fortune.               $  57.86 each-way on Digsby }                                         in 3:30 Chepstow. Came 4th. } To sleeping (dreams extra).               FOC } To dreams                            $1082.46. } To Magic Candles (never go out).     $   0.46. } To poor players' wages               $   0.02. } To floodlighting for walking shadows $ 382.47. } To sound effects.                    $1092.32. } } TOTAL                                $8315.97 + VAT. } ====================================================================== } } Results: } } 95% people were, 2% of people were not, and 3% didn't know. 57% people } suffered, of which 32% were wearing slings, and 1% arrows (an escaped } prisoner). } } 24% of people had been to an off-course bookmaker within the last 7 } days, of which 86% said fortune was outrageous, 25% said you win some, } you lose some, and 4% said they paid the tax before. 3% said you } should always back top weight in a handicap. } } 57% of people had dreams while they were asleep, 12% while they were } not asleep, and 16% did not dream. The remainder were dreaming when } we asked them and we did not feel it fair to disturb them. } } The poor players were cheap but dreadful. Consulting our solicitors } it seems that we would be unlikely to win a case in Chancery on the } grounds of infringement of the Trade Descriptions Act. } } As for stage effects, these were expensive but dreadful. Still, we } have to make our profit somehow don't we? } } Please settle promptly as a ghostly visit at dinner often offends. } } Yours } } pp. Oracle Market Survey Inc.