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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bore da, supplicant, sut rydych chi? } This is an interesting question, in a combined neo-Platonic and } neo-Calvinist sense, as well as a difficult one to answer, so I } will try to simplify things for you. If we take a phenomenological } and allophonic approach, in order to minimize the Gibbs free energy } while simultaneously avoiding a skirl on the low G of a taorluath, } and if the quantum effect of the Corinthian sub-order of the Ionic } order is a homeomorphism, homomorphism, or isomorphism, while an } emblazonment of a melismatic trope on a final alleluia coexists with } a vector (in both the mathematical and medical sense), as referenced } in Roger Ascham's "Toxophilia", and while an interstitial carbon is } denoted with neumes and Italian lute tablature, but if we consider } the emergence of three-point perspective combined with the resonance } structure of a dephlogistinated aromatic hydrocarbon and an } enantiomeric pair in a racemic mixture with implicit declaration } in classical sonnet form (Shakesperean, Petrarchan, or Spencerian) } which can quantum tunnel to the classical sonata rounded binary form } (exposition, development, and recapitulation), while putting klister } over glide wax and using messenger RNA and a parry in tierce, so the } subatomic limit of the Burgundian cadance combined with boustrophedon } half-uncial, while the fewmets of the questing beast allow the Ring } Giver of the Geats to find the Argives and the next version of the } operating system. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of chicken soup. Shaken, not stirred.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In an effort to instill the proper awe for your august self into the > trillions of new commuters on the Information Superhighway, I think > you need some sort of slogan.  Try these on for size, okay? > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  The Phantom Tollbooth on the Information >                        Superhighway. > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  Be Afraid.  Be Very Afraid. > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  In Cyberspace, No One Can Hear You Scream ... > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  Zots Backwards-'R' Us > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  What You Get When You Cross Leona Helmsley with >                        Dave Barry. > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  Not Exactly What Turing Had In Mind > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  The Blender in the Whisky Sour of Life > > -- The Usenet Oracle:  Virtual Reality's Answer to Miss Manners on Acid > > So, Orrie, what do you think?  Can I get the T-shirt concession?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for the suggestions, but I think I'll stick with the classic } "I'm With Stupid --->" shirt. Could you stand to my right, please?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great and wonderous Oracle, who understands every aspect of > ninteenth century art and could offer an impeccable formal analysis on > demand, who knows how to handle people and sterilize the > unsterilizable, who is so kind that he would stoop to assisting the > most lowly, pathetic supplicant in his mundane life (the supplicant's, > not the Oracle's): >       OK, I have this art appreciation class. I have a paper due > tomorrow morning, and I still need to think of a topic (not to mention > writing the actual paper). I need to "think up and write about" some > topic related to three paintings I picked out earlier: Vetheuil in > Winter (Monet), The Village of Becquigny (Rousseau), Cologne: The > Arrival of a Packet-Boat: Evening (Turner). I have no idea what to do. > I'm clueless--maybe I'm just not cut out to appreciate art. >       My school is in New York, and my mother is coming up to visit me > tomorrow, all the way from Minnesota. She's going to arrive during my > class (when my paper is due). My room is a horrible mess: I have at > least eight different variety of molds growing on different > food-splattered portions of the floor. I don't have rats, but I do have > cockroaches. How do I find time to clean my room, with this paper > hanging over my head? And, if I can't, since I can't let my mom see how > I'm living, what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, what you ask is an impossibility. If you had a morsel of } forethought you would have dumped nineteenth-century art and taken } Practical Modern Art II instead. Sticking a label on your front door } marked "Home is where the art is", you could then have then handed in } your room as your graduation project. } } Your mother would still be shocked at how you are living, but the A+ } you'd get would make up for it. } } You owe the Oracle the loan of your room for a week at the end of the } semester when my project's due.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Grammatically Correct Oracle, my name is Edward D. Underwood, > and I am a freshman studying English literature at Emily Dickinson > University. Unfortunately, this gives me the e-mail address of > edu@edu.edu. Does this make me a nerd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gesundheit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent oracle.  That which even the great Santa Claus > consults for his naughty/nice list. > > Why exactly are you in Indiana?  I thought that the Great Oracle was > in Delphi, Greece.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       First of all, just because my e-mail address is in Indiana, it }     doesn't mean that *I* am in Indiana.  It's just a mail-drop. }     My true whereabouts are seldom known, and I intend to keep it }     that way, for reasons that should be apparent shortly. }       The Oracle at Delphi has retired after many centuries of }     answering pointless and foolish questions.  Everyone knew where }     he lived, so there was always a line out of the place that went }     for miles.  The only way he could get any rest was to say to the }     supplicant at the front of the line, "You are quite fortunate, }     for I foresee that everyone after you who asks me a question today }     will meet with an untimely and painful death."  This would spread }     down the line like wildfire, and Delph' could take the rest of }     the day off. }       But he didn't do it often enough, so he burned out.  He's in a }     nursing home in Asgard (the one in True Olympus is too pricey), }     and his skills have deteriorated to the point where he's kind of }     uncertain, even on questions like "Would you please pass the salt?" }       You think I'm going to wind up like that? No way, so no address. }     I could be across town--or in the next room--or even in Indiana, }     but *you'll* never know. }       You owe the oracle a signed, original editorial cartoon by Tom }     Toles and a pre-CBS Fender Telecaster.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you for real?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Virtually...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how on *earth* can i possibly do 40 pages of writing in the next > week? can i just combine all my topics and turn in one 10-page > paper to 4 classes? is there any way to combine buddhism, philosophy > of science, and political ranting? > > help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Write about Hunter Thompson.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, Of Utterance Wise, > With Impeccable Taste in Neckties, > If Suppl'cant Poet, of the gnomes, > Coined most heavenly poems, > Could he look to achieve Paradise? > > Omnisc'ent Oracle, Of Knowledge Divine, > Your Very Urine is Heavenly Wine! > Supplicant Poet aspires, > And works till he tires! > Can he hope to compose sublime rhyme? > > O Wise Oracle, of Golden-Hued Thoughts, > Who Answers Dumb Questions with Zots, > If a man with a pizza > Were to couple with Lisa, > Pray tell, would it tie you in knots? > > Wond'rous Oracle, Brow Studded with Zerkle, > Who Reclines in the Shade of a Myrtle, > Do you hear in each verse > (Though they get worse and worse!) > That the sound of each stanza's a circle? > > Saintly Oracle, With Patience Exhausted, > Your Cojones Must Surely be Frosted! > Wilt thou, sorely tried, > Zot this Poet deep-fried? > In your life, have you been so accosted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This five-stanza Algebraic Homiletic Reverse Trochee form is both } rare and sublime.  The poet uses repetition ("Great Oracle"; } "Omnisc'ent Oracle"; "Wise Oracle"; Wond'rous Oracle"; "Saintly } Oracle") to superb effect, at once both invoking and seducing the } poetic muse.  The rhymed couplet form is reminiscent of Pope, } while the references to popular culture (neckties, pizza, } deep-fried) render it inarguably postmodern.  It is at once } archaic and refreshingly new, classical and groundbreaking, } ancient and modern, sin and sacrifice, all in one tantalizingly } eloquent melange.  I recommend it highly.  A four-star selection. } } C.F., writing for the Postmodern Review

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why pi never repeats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've obviously never had my jalapeno 'n' bran quiche.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just discovered that I don't have Suranjan's phone number. > Can you help me out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INDIANA (AP) - Weird occurances seem to be the norm at the } Computer Science department of the Indiana University .  A } lot of strange things have happened, bordering on the surreal. } This is the place where hordes of woodchucks descend upon every } year.  This is the place where many young students gouge their } eyes out after seeing a vision of "Lisa", some ghost-like } apparition that has strange effects on the student body. } } One terminal in the computer science department is directly } hooked up to "The Oracle."  According to local folklore, this } machine actually connects to a being who was like the Oracle at } Delphi in Greek mythology.  He would answer all your questions } and make your dreams come true... for a price. } } Many students are firm believers in the Oracle.  They point to } the student who was suddenly irresistable to women when he } first walked out of the computer lab and the other student who } got perfect scores on all his final exams without cracking a } book. } } The latest caper the students are pointing to is another } student who simply asked the Oracle for a phone number.  He } never actually received a response from the Oracle, but was } killed a few days later by having a planeload of telephone } books dropped on top of him.  According to the pilot, it was an } accident and he is deeply sorry about the mishap.  Although } true Oracle believers will say that there is some greater force } which caused the accident.  Skeptics still claim it was a mere } coincidence. } } Whether or not you believe in the Oracle, there are certain } facts that cannot be ignored.  If there is no Oracle, who is } responding to all this Email sent to the Oracle?  Is it all } just fabricated or is someone really behind it?  And why is } everything centered around Indiana?  We may never know.