Goto:

648, 648-01, 648-02, 648-03, 648-04, 648-05, 648-06, 648-07, 648-08, 648-09, 648-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our Oracle who art in CS.Indiana.EDU, blessed be Thy name. > Pray endow thy humble grovelling supplicant with enlightenment: > > What exactly *is* the origin of the phrase "Holy mackerel!" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While some fish are prized as delicacies, the mackerel is highly } regarded for its deep spiritual and ethical values.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh heavenly great Oracle, Lord of knowledge, tell me... > >       The woman I love is ignoring me. My girlfriend (she is not the > woman I love) loves me. And there is another woman who wants me > (at least she says so) but I want to keep distance from her. What > should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd think that after hundreds of thousands of years } of 'evolution', your species would at least be able to } follow a simple concept like 'love'. } } Hey, moose-2627!  DEFINE love }     love n. 1a: affection based on admiration or benevolence. }     3a: unselfish concern that freely accepts another in loyalty }     and seeks his good.  4a: the attraction based on sexual desire }     : the affection and tenderness felt by lovers. } }     love vt. 2a: to feel a lover's passon, devtion, or tenderness for. } } It is pure human folly to have 'affection based on admiration' for } someone who's ignoring them.  I mean, of all the things this person } could possibly do to make you interested, isn't ignoring you a pretty } good offset?  You, sir, have three-times the problem.  It is } undecidable whether this makes you one-third human or three-times } human.  But, regardless, it is the Oracle's (divine) opinion that you } should step out of the evolutionary waiting-room and buy a clue. } } Oh, sure.... this human idiosyncrasy has made some great poetry in } its day.  Helen of Troy could launch ships with her face.  That's } an admirable trait.  But, she's dead, Jim!  I don't think she'll be } woo-ed too greatly by the next 100-sonnets written for her either. } And even if she were still alive, she couldn't keep up with 10,000 } suitors anyway. } } Sure, Venus was beautiful and all, but Criminy Sakes!  She's dead, too! } If I went around saying I was King just because some moistened bink } had lobbed a scimitar at me.... } Sorry... } } How many people made statues of Venus before she left this mortal coil? } How many people are still painting and sculpting and just plain pining } for someone that's outright gone. } } If I have to look at one more mushy-Hallmark card that says..... } 'But, I love you.'  I think I'm going to hurl (and believe you me } (always), that won't be a pretty sight). } } Or... if you're into the tried and true solutions, tell all three } of them that you're bisexual, find a boyfriend (preferably one who's } gone out with your girlfriend before).  This should change your } girlfriend's views and your unwanted suitor's views, and may catch } the other person's attention.  And... if not... you've still got } a nice looking boyfriend, right? } } You owe the Oracle a, 'Look Bub, It's Over' Hallmark card, two-packets } of gravel, a 976 number for picking up guys, and that little-bag on the } back of the seat of the in front of you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          Oh sweet oracle !!!!! >     Please find a solution of this problem > >                     +   - >            Ia        |       --------- > -----------<---------| |-----|   Ra  |----------------------   Ra = 1,2 > |                    |       ---------                     |   Rb = 1 > |                    8 V                                   |   R1 = 4 > |                                                          |   R2 = 6 > |  I1  ---------                 I3       ---------        |   R3 = 2 > |-->---|  R1   |------        ---->-------|  R3   |--------|   R4 = 8 > |      ---------     |        |           ---------        |   ------- > |                    |        |                            |   Ia - ? > |                    |        |                            |   Ib - ? > |                    |--------|                            |   I1 - ? > |                    |        |                            |   I2 - ? > |                    |        |                            |   I3 - ? > |  I2  ---------     |        |   I4      ---------        |   I4 - ? > |-->---|  R2   |------        ---->-------|  R4   |--------| > |      ---------                          ---------        | > |                                                          | > |                   +   -                                  | > |          Ib        |        ---------                    | > -----------<---------| |------|  Rb   |--------------------- >                      |        --------- >                    10 V

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upon entering at 8V, you and your accomplice(you will definately } need help)  should take up postitions on either side of door R1. } (The outside hall should be free of all guards and detection devices } as it wil be pay day, and theres a 4-1 special at Bertha's tonight) }    The person at I1 should lob a flash grenade into the room and then } take up a position at I3, which will give a good field of fire into } Ra and R3. }    The other person should run, and I mean RUN, into the room firing } from the hip and proceed immeadiately to I2.  Hopefully, the guards } stationed at Ib should come thru R2, and be easy pickins. }    There should be 6 guards so keep count of the dropping bodies!!  If } 5 or less come thru, then lob a smoke/frag grenade into the room and } follow the boom.  Eliminate any oppostion, but make sure you grab } the microfilm before the guards behind door R4 realize whats going on. }    Once you got the microfilm, HAUL ASS!!! } } As usual, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fuzzy Wuzzy wuzn't fuzzy, wuz he?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, he wuzn't. } } Fuzzy Wuzzy, born Wuzzy J. Bear, was a unique character.  He was born } in the 1950s in the Rocky Mountains near Gunnison, Colorado.  As a cub, } Wuzzy was the typical bear, eating berries, catching fish, hibernating } in winter, etc. But it soon became apparent that Wuzzy was different } than the other bears. He suffered from a rare condition which caused } his fur to fall out, making him a not-often-seen bald bear.  The other } cubs teased him mercilessly for this and ostracized him from bear } society.  Wuzzy, alone in his cave, started exploring mathematics to } pass the time. } } As he became a young adult bear, he spent more and more time exploring } set theory by scratching on the ground with a stick or writing on his } cave walls with a crude ink made from crushed berries.  In the summer } of 1964, Lotfi Zadeh was vacationing in the mountains, after months of } struggling to come up with a new method for real-time system control. } On a hike one afternoon, he happened across Wuzzy at the bank of a } stream, who was at that point considering a new technique for handling } ambiguity in computational systems, over a lunch of blueberries and } trout.  On observing Wuzzy's scratchings in the ground, Zadeh became } quite taken with his theories.  Zadeh extended his vacation by several } months and from his collaboration with Wuzzy, the theory of Fuzzy Logic } was born. } } Fuzzy Logic was attributed to Zadeh alone because both he and Wuzzy } doubted that the mathematical world was ready for new theories } developed by a bear. But to friends, Wuzzy did become known as "Fuzzy" } Wuzzy.  This new nickname inspired the famous rhyme about him, which } was, incidentally, written by Lotfi Zadeh after too many beers one } night: } }      Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, }      Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair! }      Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? } } With Zadeh's help, Wuzzy has been responsible for many recent advances } in Fuzzy Logic and other modern AI systems.  As a result of his } consulting work he can now afford treatment for his fur condition, and } his new fur growth makes him quite "fuzzy".  He lives in Marin County, } CA (where a bear with his own house does not seem out of place) with } his wife and two cubs. } } Fuzzy Wuzzy wuzn't fuzzy.  But he iz now. } } You owe the Oracle a fuzzy logic-based search-and-destroy robot, to } track down and eliminate all existing videotapes of the "Roseanne" } show.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please sir, can I have some more gruel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only with a Twist. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Pickwick Papers"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some people have told me that paranoia is "total awareness." Others > have told me it is the way to transforming your stomach into one big > ulcer. My question, should you choose to accept it, is does there > exist a happy medium of paranoia where one can have his conspiracies > and soda-pop too? Or can we never have the best of both worlds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Why did you ask me this question? Who told you I answer } paranoia questions? WHO SENT YOU??? }         You accidentally(?) mentioned conspiracies and soda-pop in the } same breath. Why did you use a generic term for carbonated beverages? } You're one of those New Coke fanatics, aren't you!! Is this leading } to a taste test? Are you going to force-feed me Big Gulps(tm)?? } LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I drink coffee! }         You later implied that you are trying to have the best of both } worlds. What other worlds have you heard about? Where have you been? } Why do you want more than one? What's wrong with our world?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grext xnd knowing Orxcle, plexse tell me whxt > to do xbout this problem I've been hxving: > > There seems to be something wrong with my computer > keyboxrd xnd every time I press the x key I get the > letter x.  Ooops.  Whxt I mexn is, the first letter > in the xlphxbet doesn't come out right xnd I get the > twenty-fourth in stexd.  Cxn you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wise me has pondered your question/problem. } } It seems to me there exist more solutions to your problem. } } The first solution is to do like I do. Simply do not use the } letter which is impossible to type. This could seem difficult } in the beginning but you will get used to it. If there is } some word with the cursed letter which you must use, try it in } some other lingo, 'vielleicht' it is written without it there. } This ensures 'que' you think before you type 'et' your } texts will look more interesting so they will be given } more <fill in the word I try to type without the letter>. } } The second solution is not to type. } } The third solution is to get 'ein'other 'toetsenbord' } } By the 'rue', how did you get your question posted to me ?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, divine and sublime, take pity on your worthless supplicant > and favor him with some tiny shard of knowledge: > > Why don't we call geese "gooses?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We don't call mice "mouses", } We don't call moose "mooses", } We don't call lice "lices", } So why would we call geese "gooses"? } } It's a well-known, but marginally logical rule in the English language } (such as it is), that any noun with a double "o", such as goose, has } those letters changed to a double "e" when in the plural form. } Therefore: } } The plural of book is "beek", } The plural of cook is "ceek", } The plural of food is "feed", } and of course, the plural of .... hey, wait a second, that isn't right. } Damn and blast this English language...  OK, let's try that again. } } Um...the rule, as EVERYONE knows, is, ahem, is that if the word ends } with an 'ses', after a repeated pair of vowels, then those vowels are } changed from whatever they were to a pair of 'e's, and the final 's' is } dropped. For instance: } } The plural of goose is "geese", } The plural of moose is "meese", } The plural of .... hey, that doesn't work either. } } Fine.  Tough.  You're just going to have to memorize this stuff, and } don't ask about the rules.  This is English class you're taking, not } logic.  Get used to it. } } You owe the Oracle an evening with a bookkeeper or beekeeper, your } choice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Grand, > > Who or what is a "Stag-o-lee"? > > Thanks, > Your ever so humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stago Lee is Bruce Lee's younger half-brother.  His one and only movie, } _Enter_the_Hedgehog_ was, unfortunately, a dismal box-office failure. } Shortly after its release, Stago disappeared, and was completely } forgotten by the movie-going public (of course, the Oracle *never* } forgets a name, face, or second-rate martial arts movie.) } } What is he doing now?  Funny you should ask. } } You see, Stago blamed his failure on his half-brother.  When his movie } flopped, he vowed revenge on Bruce.  He retreated to a cave atop a } mountain somewhere in the unexplored regions of Kansas and strenuously } practiced his unique "Hedgehog" form of karate every day for seven } years and seven days.  Each day his strength and skill improved and } each day his hatred for his half-brother increased.  Finally, after } seven years and seven days he emerged from the cave to bring all the } wrath of the Hedgehog to focus on his brother and exact his terrible } revenge.  Only Bruce had died three years earlier. } } Stago had so much pent-up unresolved hatred in him that he decided to } consult, you guessed it, I, the Almighty Oracle.  His question, as I } recall, went something like this: } } > O Almighty Oracle, what shall I do with all this pent-up } > unresolved hatred in me? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > I've got one word for you, Stago:  Syndication. } } Well, to make a long story short, Stago can be seen on TV each week } playing the Old Guy on "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues." } } You owe the Oracle a fake Fu Manchu beard and a bottle of rubber } cement.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will win the Stanley Cup this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again, the Oracle is reduced to answering a question } concerning the outcome of a sports or sports-related } competition merely for the financial gain of those who would } gamble (and no doubt win) with the answer I would give. } How sad it is, really, that I am lowered to this level. } I could tell you things beyond your wildest imagination!  I } could bring about a state of total Enlightenment to you or } anyone, if only they would ask.  But no, instead you pester } me with questions like "Who is going to win this..." or } "what will be the final score of that..."  Well, not this } time!  The Oracle is sick of such rubbish! } } Of course, you may say "Ah, he's beating around the bush because } he doesn't know the answer."  Well, to you I say FOOEY!  Of } course I know the answer!  I know all!  I see all!  I have the } answer to your insignificant question on the very tip of my } tongue!  I could speak it with the tiniest iota of effort! } But I will not, not in a bazillion years! } } I will tell you how much money you would win if you *did* know } the answer.  Assuming you were to gamble all your life's savings, } you would net a whopping $1,117,384.04!  Wow!  You would be } set for life!  Ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee!  Don't you wish you } knew!  But I'm not tellin', never never never! } } Now you are thinking "Aha!  I have outsmarted the Oracle.  All } I have to do is find out which wager has the odds that would } produce the aforementioned sum (given my life savings, which } is constant) and bet on that!"  Well, I have news for you! } You can't do that because... uh, hmmm... that's not possible } because... well... [gulp]... there is a very good reason why } you can't do that, but I'm not going to tell you *it*, either!