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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you like the Star Wars saga?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a fool. }   but the scene with Obi-Wan Kenobe and Cap.  Kirk was great } You are wasting my time }   but I really loved it when Chewbacca and Leia had sex on the Asteroid }   of Love } You are asking foolish questions }   but the giant moth scene was pretty fantastic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I'm sure you're wondering, do I have a fetish about navel lint, or > what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's quite all right.  It's not entirely uncommon for one to have a } fetish centered around Navel Lint.  Sigmund Frued once wrote an entire } article on the subject. } } His advise was to make sure to keep it free of infection and other } nasties, and keep a log and samples of Navel Lint.  It has been shown } that much about a man/woman's future can be told from the analysis on } one's navel lint.  Stress, sexual tendancies, and drug use can all be } followed simply by collecting navel hair.  The FBI is investigating a } system whereby all felons would have to submit Navel Lint as a second } means of identififcation. } } The moral of the story is that Navel Lint is anything but trivial. } Treat it with respect, and have some fun while you're at it. } } The Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I hire the Italian dog jugglers for my next party? > I've heard juggling dogs is very "in" now...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Italian dog jugglers, the Incesti brothers, are indeed very popular. } They've had some problems with accusations of cruelty to animals, } however, so they also have an alternative act were they juggle human } infants. } } If you're satisifed by merely being "in", by all means you should hire } the Italian dog jugglers (or the Katzenjammer brothers (the German cat } jugglers) or Krysztof Sczerblinski, the Polish elephant juggler). } } If, however, you want to set a new trend in party entertainment, the } Oracle can give you the address of one of Its friends, who walks the } tightrope over the table while juggling fourteen hand grenades, eating a } hamburger and singing the Greek national Anthem (all 210 verses).  He is } accompanied by his sister Lisa, the worlds supplest girl, who plaits her } hair with one and peels an orange with the other at the same time as she } is typing in C programs with boh hands tied in a knot behind her back. } Blindfolded! } } You owe the Oracle and Its sex slaves an invitation to your next party.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice, please enlighten me: > Why do they start so early?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hormones.  Media.  Contaminated water supplies.  Breakfast cereals. } Rock music.  Church.  My left big toe.  Quayle.  The suppleness of } youth.  The inevitable heat-death of the Universe.  Radio waves. } Evolution.  Peer pressure.  Cosmic magnetism.  The letter X.  Your } frivolity.  Consumerism.  Computers. } } You owe the Oracle page 14 of the New York Times, Thursday, March 15, } 1917.  Unyellowed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's "Plook" mean? In what context would you use it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Plook, vb.  - A banjo playing technique unique to a 5 square mile } area in the heart of the backwaters of Utah.  A "plooker", as masters of } this technique are known, catches his finger and thumb nails in the } banjo strings, and tries to pull off his nail.  Plookers are strange } people.  Many a plookr has been known to utter the famous plooker's cry: } "Gosh, I *do* feel musically creative today.  I think I'll go plook some } banjo." } } 2) Plook, vb.  - To vomit, throw up, remove one's stomach contents from } one's possession, etc.  As in "Ugghhh...  Unnnghhh.....  #$%&# !  Oh } dear, I appear to have plooked all over you." } } 3) Plook, adj.  - Obscure movie term of deference, as in John "Plook" } Wayne, and the title character of the Paul Newman film, "Cool Hand } Plook".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cats sit up trees going `Meow, meow' and looking helpless when > they are perfectly capable of getting down by themselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a catwitted, cattish category to catenate!  Your cataphonic } catechism has cataclysmic and catonian catacoustics.  Why I catalogize } that your catcall, while catchy, is more of a catasta than a catastasis, } leading to catalysis and cataplexy. } } Clearly, if the cat could catapult in a caterbrawl over the catchment } this catechist would not be quilty of catachresis.  "The catharan uses } not catgut," as I always catharize.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come my wife is wearing a toupee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your wife has always had a secret desire for a big, hairy, ape of a } caveman to drag her by her hair to his cave and some nice bondage } excercises. } } Since you've been far too timid, and always has wanted her to take the } initiative, she hasn't mentioned this to you but instead turned to the } postman. } } Every day at 11 am, when you're at work, drooling over MacPlaymate, your } wife strips to her underwear and lets the postman take a steady hold of } her hair and drag her upstairs to the bedroom, where they indulge in } unspeakable activities for an hour or two. } } This lets her let out all her pent-up emotions that she accumulates from } your weird lovemaking during the nights (you see, she's not all that } keen on spanking you as you may think). } } However, this has also had the side-effect of your wife getting bald. } So that's why she's started wearing a toupee. } } You owe the Oracle a photo of your wife and the postman together.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great orakule, why do I make so much money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are a lot of reasons. } } Women pay you to make love to them, spanking and sexy lingery pay }   extra. } Men pay you to tell them how to make love to the women properly. } Doctors pay you to walk out of their surgeries onto a crowded street, }   because you look so healthy. } Student hairdressers pay you to let them practise on your head. } Policemen try to bribe you. } Waiters give you tips. } You sell newspapers to newsvendors and get 20p back on each one. } Your bets win. } The credit card company has lost your address. } Your Tax bill went to the man next door; he mistook it for his own, }   and paid it. } The mice in the wainscoting pay rent. } The T.V. company pays you to watch their programmes, so they can tell }   the advertisers about their rich audience. } You take the train that there isn't a guard on because of the staff }   shortages, so you don't pay fares. } You charge the bank for borrowing your money, instead of them charging }   you to look after it. } Shopkeepers subtract your sales tax instead of adding it on. } You claim the Old Age Pension, Child Benefit, Disability Allowance and }   Family Income Supplement and nobody has noticed, even though FIS }   was withdrawn three years ago. } Your boss pays you because sending messages to the Oracle looks, from }   a distance, indistinguishable from real work. } } You owe the Oracle twopence.  No...  that's wrong.  The Oracle owes } you 25 pounds 47.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, > >         I have noticed one disturbing trend.  Why oh why do people try > to get the answer to the program that is due in less than 24 hours by: > > 1.  Calling you on the phone and beg for the answer > > 2.  Try to get into your account which you will notice the next time you > logged on and have 48 unsuccessful attempt. > > 3.  Offer you money for your working program.  BTW :  should I accept > the money and not give them the working program???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's face it:  That's simply because you're the only *real* programmer } around. } } People trying to get your programs by all means, legal or illegal, can } be a nuisance, but try to see it from the positive side: } } A lot of people out there have heard about your phenomenal coding } skills, and got so overawed that they forget how to program and turn } into lazy bums who'd rather steal a working program than write one } themselves. } } If the attempts to bribe you get really insistent, a good prank is to } accept the money and then give them a program that seems to work okay, } but contains some really *interesting* feature (such as posting obscene } jokes about the professors and interesting details of your victims' sex } life to the entire net) which are activated only after a few days of } operation. } } You owe the Oracle a non-recursive accounting program, written in Lisp.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, my God!  How could I have done it? > And without even uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu > NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it was quite simple really, all you did was pressing a button, } not hard at all. And the EMP took the carrier. } } You owe the Oracle $googol for restoring the Earth.