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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me: > > Where do babies REALLY come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We tested this one out in the lab, and with close inspection via } electron microscope, the inscription "Made in Japan" was found.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell is going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe it is now time we tell you what has been } taking place.  Even though it is not your 'right' } to know, we feel that you are no longer capable } of responding in a negative or harmful way. } } It all started in July of 1989.  A young man } (and now you know who you are) was checked into } a hospital room for some routine tests.  Sometime } during the night, he was wisked away by two procurement } specialists that were contracted by Oracle Enterprises. } He was taken to a private laboratory (the location of } which is still classified) somewhere in Europe. } } For the next three years a number of experimental } procedures were performed on Gunter (this is the } name the lab technicians gave this particular } young man.  The researchers just refered to him } as Specimen 42.).  These procedures included genetic } manipulation, cellular reconfiguration, and daily } back massage. } } On February 22, 1993, it was discovered that Specimen } 42 and Specimen 43 had been placed in the wrong } sequence of genetically selected procedures. (Specimen } 43 was refered to as Algernon by the technicians) } } On February 24, 1993 Specimens 42 and 43 were released } in an alley near 47th and Grand in Grand Rapids } Michigan. } } No one has heard from Specimen 43, but it is believed } that one of our 'clean-up' crews was able to terminate } his file. } } We appreciate your contacting us at this time.  By the } way could you please maintain your current address for } at least 24 hours.  We would be very grateful. } } Your Friend, The Oracle } } P.S.  You owe the oracle one small piece of cheese.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will it take for me to be able to sustain a six-and-a-half minute > mile for three miles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       J. Peter Acme }                                       Acme Corporation }                                       Buena Vista, CA } }                                       2 June, 1994 } } Dear Mr. Coyote, } } Thank you for your recent inquiry; you are certainly one of our most } valued customers, and we are always eager to assist you. } } For your most recent project, please consider the enclosed Acme Rocket } Booster Roller Skates (tm, pat. pending).  Full instructions are } included. If you are not entirely satisfied, simply return the product } with packing material to our shipping office for a full credit. } } Sincerely, } }                                       J. Peter Acme } } PS: Acme is not responsible for accidental misfiring.  Acme is a } wholly-owned subsidiary of Oracle-Roadrunner Industries.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How about those Bay Area kids who found those chromosomes linked > to cancer, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, why not? I'll try anything once. And some fries with that, too. } } If it's any good, you owe the Oracle the recipe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am writing a book on the Internet and the people who use it.  What is > the most important thing that should be included?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE : (shyly, timidly) Well, um, (clears throat), not to seem } overly vain or anything (coughs politely), but, er, it seems that - } well, some people have told me that *I* am, you know, pretty } important to the Internet. } } YOU: I thought you were the *Usenet* Oracle... } } ORACLE : Oh, yeah, well, uh, Usenet, Internet, same thing. } } YOU : Um, well, people might laugh at the idea of an omniscient } being roaming around the Information Highway. } } ORACLE : No need to worry.  I'll include a ZOT in every book } to convince your readers of the authenticity of my existence. } } YOU : No, really, it's all right.  No need to go to such trouble... } } ORACLE : Don't worry.  Your books will become a best-seller } overnight.  People will buy it in mass quantities as present for } their in-laws, their bosses, their children's pets.  You'll } go down in history. } } [You smile happily.] } } [Curtains fall.] } }       You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your } posthumously published book.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for contacting Cantor and Seagull's "CyberSell".  Details of } our exclusive range of spam-related merchandise are below.  If you have } any questions or complaints, call 1-900-WE-SPAM ($50 a minute legal } rates). } } - - - cut here - - - } }                    CYBERSELL SPAM MERCHANDISE LIST } }                Last updated: 06/03/94 by MELT down MAN } } SPAM T-SHIRTS } } 100% cotton with spam stains on front and back.  Tasteful "I spammed } the net" logo on chest.  $15.99. } } SPAM-ON-A-ROPE } } Perfect for use in the shower.  Ever felt hungry whilst soaping your } butt?  Never again.  Not recommended for use as a food product. } $10.99. } } SUPER OXYGENATED SPAM } } Brain food for the 21st century!  May prevent cancer, AIDS, and most } other infectious diseases if eaten regularly.  Then again, it may not. } $200 per tin. } } OFFICIAL D-DAY LANDING SPAM FRITTERS } } As recommended by UK Prime Minister John Major.  Celebrate the death } of thousands of Allied troops by cooking these tasty 'meaty' treats. } $5.95. } } THE SPAM PHONE } } Remember when you used to make telephones out of old tin cans and } string?  Re-live those halcyon days with the Spam Phone -- a fully } functional telephone made entirely from spam cans.  (Prohibited from } connection to public telephone systems.  Spam not included.)  $56.50. } } EAU DE SPAM } } Girls!  Send your guy crazy with this exclusive fragrance.  Only } $29.95! (10ml bottle.) } } SPAM FLAVOURED CONDOMS } } People say there's no meat in spam -- prove them wrong!  As used by } L Cantor (thank goodness).  $4.95. } } SPAMSICLE } } Smooth and creamy ice-cold spam on a stick.  $0.90 each.  (We } recommend next-day delivery at $20 extra.) } } CHICKEN SPAMNUGGETS } } Are your family bored of chicken?  Perhaps they're just bored of } chicken flavoured chicken.  Try new Spamnuggets -- real processed } chicken with the great taste of spam.  $1.20 per pound. } } SPAMALAMADINGDONG } } Jumbo-sized vibrator with the texture and colour of spam, with extra } ridges for added excitement.  Supplied with mains adaptor and } spam-flavoured lubricant. } } - - - cut here - - -

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think I would look good with a beard? >                               -Hillary

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yep

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> nice hooters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } Your continual sexual harrasment of our client, the Usenet Oracle, } has prompted us to issue the following warning.  Immedeatly } cease all references to breasts, genitalia, and other sexual } explicit subjects while transacting business with our client. } If you do not cease your emotionally disturbing activities immedeatly } we will be forfced to pursue legal actions. } Our client has a delicate constitution.  Please keep this in mind } in the future. } } You have been warned. } } The Law Offices of Cantor and Seagull

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Recently I decided to take some time out from the ratrace and get > better acquainted with myself. > > I decided I liked me. In fact, I liked me so much I invited me out > to dinner, and afterwards we came back to my place and had sex. > > Now I'm worried: "What if I caught something? > What if me wants a key, or wants to move in?" > > O Oracle who knows so much, what shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suggest you go with your emotions. If you REALLY really like this } person, then I think there is an excellent chance that they like you. } The worry over disease is not one to think about. If you think you } have caught something, I think you'll find you probably already had } it. } } The only problem I can see is that this is more likely than not a } homosexual relationship, and as a result you may be stigmatised in } public, and if you are a prominent politician you may lose your job. } Still, what goes around comes around. } } Just make sure you practice safe sex. Once you've practiced it } enough, try doing it for real. } } You owe the Oracle a long-term commitment and an invitation to the } wedding.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh <insert gratuitous flattery> Oracle: > > where's the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because I didn't think much of your grovel, I have snipped out a few } pixels from your question, and sold them for serifs to the local } fontsmiths. What remains is: } } > where's the beer? } } I'm not telling. If you can't find it, all the more for me. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for a hangover...