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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for a nice, two- or three-bedroom house to rent, convenient > to the train and shopping, not on a main street, in a pleasant suburb > that isn't being turned into a strip mall.  A large kitchen with lots > of counter space would be a real plus. > > Can you suggest anything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quickly, there is little time to lose! } } Obviously, you have been infected by that most dreaded of diseases, } Acute Creepinsuburbmiddleageitis!  There is hope, but you must take } the following steps quickly: } } 1) Get divorced. } 2) Sell the dog. } 3) Start hanging around coffee shops in Downtown Manhattan. } 4) Move to a loft, or, better yet, a steam grate. } 5) Enroll at Columbia as a philosophy major (Women's Studies is a }    newer, but apparently also effective, treatment). } 6) March on Washington DC (it doesn't matter why). } 7) Begin a regular program of vigorous disconnection from reality. } } If you don't do this before its too late, you will soon exhibit the } following symptoms: } } 1) Children } 2) Mortgage payments } 3) Car payments } 4) A lawnmower } 5) Roses growing outside that two-to-three bedroom house } 6) Children's tuition payments } 7) Grandchildren } } And, finally, } } 8) Death } } As you can see, you have a serious terminal illness.  It is treatable, } but you have to be very careful to avoid a relapse.  Check yourself } often for the warning signs and symptoms, and if you sense any of the } warning signs, such as a long-term commitment to the same person, } planning days in advance, etc., then you must IMMEDIATELY move to } Alaska and club baby seals while you learn to play guitar and find } yourself.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me please, oh oracle, tell me, why is it that I have to write > 'tell me' in the subject line of my mails to you? I can't help it but > I get the somewhat blasphemous impression that you are only a sort > of computer program. Is 'tell me' something like a command? > Are you a machine? If so, what kind of machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Return-Path: <Mailer-Daemon> } Date: Mon, 6 Jun 94 20:28:40 EDT } Subject: Returned mail: Host unknown } To: Humble Supplicant } }    ----- Transcript of session follows ----- } 421 Host indiana.edu not found for mailer ddn. } 550 oracle@cs.indiana.edu... Host unknown } }    ----- Unsent message follows ----- } Return-Path: Humble Supplicant } Received: by cs.indiana.edu  (4.1/SMI-4.0) }         id AV732945; Mon, 6 Jun 94 20:28:40 EDT } From: Humble Supplicant } Message-Id: <9406070028.AB24775@foobar.scooby.doobie.doo > } Subject: tell me } To: oracle@cs.indiana.edu } Date: Mon, 6 Jun 1994 20:28:40 -0400 (EDT) } X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23] } Mime-Version: 1.0 } } You owe the Oracle more faith.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I sit here tapping naked at my keyboard, the reflection of my once > taut and lithe body in the monitor brings a question to my newly > age-conscious mind. > > Why does your (boys only I'm afraid) scrotum look 10 years older than > the rest of your body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little known and seldom used fact is that God maintains an inventory } of body parts.  It seems that when the Big G was designing man he } ordered a few extra gross of scrota.  Because He uses first in, first } out (FIFO) inventory accounting, there is a batch of REALLY old scrota } at the back of the warehouse.  Another little known and seldom used } fact is that God recyles body parts.  So occasionally he will have to } replace a worn out scrotum with one from the old inventory.  Apparently } you have one of the original scrotums.  Hang on to that it'll be a } collectors item someday.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once upon a time, a little girl consulted the Wise Oracle.  What did > she ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She asked "Once upon a time, a little girl consulted the Wise Oracle. } What did she ask?" } } You did not believe that the Wise Oracle knew that, did you? Do not be } ashamed. So much of this life is spent in becoming what some have } called "disillusioned" but the Oracle knows that that term is not true. } We become captured by others' soured illusions. While that sort pulls } the wings off dragonflies to show you a pepperpod, your task in life } will be to take pepperpods, give them wings, and show those sourpusses } dragonflies. Dismiss your inner hipster for the afternoon and blow } bubbles with your little girl. Life with its despairs is maya, an } illusion. I charge you to change a dollar into pennies and secretly } drop them along public walkways one-at-a-time. The world (and } especially you) needs more Penny Fairies. } } The Oracle (incarnated as DrNucleus@AOL.COM) loves you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell if I'm getting a ream job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You count the pages.  If there are 500, it's a ream job. } Simple. } } Send a couple of quires of parchment paper to the Oracle, } okay?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I keep asking rhetorical questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is, why do you ask ME rethorical questions? } I Live To Answer, you know and as a rethorical question doesn't require } an answer, it really is giving a starving person a bowl of soup and no } spoon. Shame on you for teasing the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, so nifty in your splendor, please answer me this question: > > What's the fourth wall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a specialized and obscure question indeed.  The Oracle required } much thought and the regrettable sacrifice of four North Carolina } virgins to determine your solution.  The Oracle, however, has found the } answer you seek. } } The Fourth Wall is in World 3-4, in the screen where four pipes of } increasing height protrude from the ground.  Position yourself on the } third pipe where Mario's right foot is just over the edge, and his nose } partially obscures the marquis in the background (so that it appears to } read 'ood time/-4241/or Luigi'). } } Grasping the joystick just below the glans, squeeze firmly three times, } yank to the right and simultaneously hit jump. } } Mario will strike a hidden 'wall' block in the sky, and out will grow } an puce and neon-pink mushroom.  It will slide off and move towards the } right. } } Follow this mushroom until it bounces off one of those 'squishy } meanies'.  Then, using your tongue, mimick the act of licking an ice } cream cone and hit jump again, aiming to land on the mushroom. } } Mario will then experience a psychadelic trip, which you will be } allowed to view.  Note the 'busts' that float past towards the upper } right of the screen about ten seconds into the trip -- these are } rumored to be the faces of five Nintendo programmers that died during } the course of the game's production. } } You owe the Oracle another virgin and a Game Boy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle repositry of all knowledge pray tell me... > > I want to steal one of my friends girlfriends. However, another one of > my friends is also interested in stealing my former friends girlfriend. > How can I come out of something that looks like becoming a sticky mess > with any friends left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid there's more to it than you reallize.  You } see, your (former) friends girlfriend is actually interested } in stealing the latter friend, but is unable to because there } is no-one to steal him from.  The latter is not actually } interested in the formers girlfriend, but rather in the } former friend himself.  The former friend doesn't want to } steal anyone exactly, but is hoping to be stolen. } } The only solution (obviously) is for you to steal the former } friend from his girlfriend and allow the latter friend to } steal the former from you.  At this time, the girlfriend will } finally be able to steal the latter friend (from her ex-boyfriend, } as it happens.)  Since the latter friend is only interested in } the former friend, he will break up with the girlfriend and } strike up a relationship with him (the former friend.)  By then } the girl will have learned that the latter friend wasn't worth } stealing after all.  The former friend will have a breakdown at } this point, making him quite unappealing.  This will leave you } as the only desirable male around and you'll be in a great } position to start a relationship with her.  The only one you'll } have ever stolen anyone from is the girl, but you'll still be } her best bet.  Since you haven't crossed any of the male friends, } your friendships will survive.  Unfortunately, the former will } be a resident of the local mental hospital and the latter will be } grief-stricken over the condition of the man he loves.  The four } of you can still get together though, each Monday from noon to } four (visiting hours.) } } You owe the Oracle a simulation of the relationships involved, } written in any object-oriented language.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, whose kernel drivers have a license to kill(), > > Last month I brought my computer program to the repair shop for a > tune-up. The repairman almost fainted dead away -- he said nobody > ever brought them in until they broke! -- I should have known right > then, I suppose, but anyway.... > > When I got my program back and drove it home, I had a very bumpy > ride. I discovered that the disks were square! So, I called up the > shop and complained about it, and they told me it was a new upgrade > intended to provide better stability when the program was parked. > > I told them I didn't like it, and they were actually pretty good > about it; after a while, they sent me some arc-shaped pieces of > rubber, and some glue, and some instructions about how to glue the > new pieces onto the disks. > > So many things went wrong. My windows got stuck, I couldn't back up, > O Oracle, I don't want to bother you with all the gory details, but > > Here I am, pulled over on the shoulder of the databahn, flares and > warning signs all spread out, lights flashing, and white hankie tied > to my antenna, while everyone else whizzes by at top speed; and > as I wait for the Datahighway Patrol to come to my rescue, > I wonder, > > where did I go wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You appear to have got the wrong end of the stick. You didn't go wrong } at all - you're completely in the right. } } You seem to think there's something wrong with the problem that your } wheels have caused with your program, but this really isn't the case. } You see, before you had Wheels 1.3, a very primitive form of wheel. } Now, although they worked nicely enough, they weren't efficient or } modern enough, and didn't make use of the impressive bits of the } architecture, such as 32-street addressing, or the ISA bus to } Camberwick Green. } } Now, Wheels 2, the square ones, had some problems, so they were } withdrawn quite soon. The strangely shaped things you have now, the } ones too large for your program to function properly, oddly designed } and held together with cheap glue, are Wheels 3.1, the latest in } motivation system design. Of course, they're quickly becoming obsolete } too, but Wheels 4 (also known as San Francisco) will be out soon. } } Of course, that's not what you want at all - there's a complete } redesign due out soon. Known as Wheels New Tread (NT for short) these } wheels are perfect in every respect - they hold the road wonderfully, } and the treads don't wear down at all. Of course, you'll need at least } a supertanker with a 90,000,000 horsepower engine to take advantage of } Wheels NT. } } If you really feel that Wheels are causing you problems, then why not } try a different motiviation system. There's always HoVERcraft for } Programs, or even the jet-propelled JS/2. If you yearn for simplicity } you could try the Driver Operation System (DOS) where a hole is cut in } the bottom of your program, and you drive it by running along the } ground... } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Wheels NT reference manuals.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If paper clips are infinitely reusable, why then do large organizations > like the Federal Government spend millions of dollars each year to buy > more? > > Obsessing compulsively, >                            Zek

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SHHHHHHHHH!!.  You've stumbled on one of the major Pentagon projects } in the last decade.  This is blacker than the Aurora plan project and } I'm not surprised if men in dark grey suits and sunglasses are knocking } on your door at this very moment. } } Don't go home, don't go to work or school.  Get far far away from the } terminal and only log on wearing a disguise. } } The Pernicious Paperclip Project (or PPP as it's called) was started in } the early 80's under the Reagan administration as an offshoot of the } Star Wars project.  Unlike the Star Wars project, funding was immediate } and extensive for the PPP.  The goal of the PPP is to form a paperclip } chain long enough to lasso the moon which then can be used to } influenced the tides at will and flood enemy land.  Whoever controls } the moon, controls the Earth! } } You owe the Oracle the government funding documentation for the PPP and } a small box of paperclips so that the government doesn't suck them all } up.