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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose nanoseconds count for more than my aeons, > > When people around here want to count seconds without benefit of > mechanical aids, they generally intone something like > "One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi", and so on. > > It strikes me that this particular usage is probably restricted to > the American culture. > > How do they count seconds in other parts of the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seconds are only used in the United States and Burma, which have not } converted to the metric system yet.  Everywhere else in the world, time } is measured in centidays, which are counted "ONE 99 bottles of beer on } the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles } of beer on the wall, ... [until we reach] ..., zero bottles of beer on } the wall, etc. ... TWO 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of } beer..." When you reach the end of the tenth go-round, a day has } passed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Caroline love Dave? And vice versa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Caroline does love Dave, at least she thinks she does, until she } meets Mark.  Dave loves Caroline, but was seduced by her identical } twin sister, Evangeline.  Mark is dating Evangeline, but discovers } that he is really gay when he meets Dave for the first time, and } falls wildly in love.  When Dave discovers that Caroline has been } flirting with Mark behind his back, he becomes terribly depressed and } kills himself in his basement workshop with his power tools.  Mark, } on discovering the horribly mutilated body of the man he secretly } loved, also becomes depressed and crashes his car into a crowd of } school children milling around a liquid hydrogen truck.  He is killed } instantly in the ensuing explosion.  Caroline, when told that the man } who loved her and man she loved are both dead, becomes manically } depressed, and impales herself on a steak knife.  Evangeline lives } happily ever after. } } You owe the Oracle a bar of soap and tickets to the opera.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day I wanted to give an elaborate banquet > for my friends, so I got together, at great expense, a > selection of wonderful foods from all around the > world. I had Roquefort cheese from France and > Bratwurst from Germany, Slivovitz from Croatia and > Chevapchichi from Serbia, Barolo from Italy, goat > cheese from Albania, Indian squash, Boston baked > beans, Georgia peaches, Russian caviar, Sake from > Japan, kim chee from Korea, and -- > > well, I won't bore you with a complete list, I'll just > summarize by saying I had stuff imported from all > around the globe. > > I set up the banquet, locked the door, and greeted my > guests. When I unlocked the door to usher everyone in, > Oh my gosh, what a mess! I am glad that no possible > combination of words could describe the mess, for I > might then be foolish enough to attempt it; but I can > say it looked like someone had had a food fight! Only, > there was nobody in the room, no other entrance, and I > had the only key! > > O Oracle, whose appetite for knowledge transcends all > national boundaries, tell me, Oh please tell me, > > Why can't we all just get along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Could you please tell the Oracle where you got that superb bratwurst? } Oh yes, next time forget the Roquefort, the Oracle doesn't like cheese. } } And one other tip: Never leave your cats alone in a room full of food. } You owe the Oracle a bottle of French Wine to flush away that delicious } meal. Great cooking! We had a wonderfull time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the military so gung ho on not letting certain people serve > their country? Sir!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will ignore your glaring error of implicating military } service as the only method of serving one's country.  Why, what about } all those "billions and billions" served at McDonald's? } } Now, to answer your intended question, I have one word: aesthetics. } } The military can only function if there is an extreme lack of them. } The unhappy soldier is the soldier who will kill the enemy, 'cause } he's just pissed off at life and in a generally bad mood.  This is, } by the way, the reason they have finally decided to let women into } combat - but only one week every 28 days. } } Witness the uniforms - subdued, often drab colors.  Spartan living } quarters. Culinary nightmares in the mess halls.  Unimaginative } martial music.  Marching in straight, uninspired columns and lines. } The *last* thing they want is to have folks start "sprucing things } up", and making the best of a bad situation.  Why, then those killer } tendencies might give way to creativity, expression, and general } good taste.  It's just damn hard to feel like killing people when } your "joie de vivre" is all stirred up. } } You owe the Oracle a date and two tickets to "La Cage"...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome back to the Western Open here on NBC sports. >   The 12th hole runs straight through the throne > chamber of The Usenet Oracle.  Viewers may be > interested to know that the Oracle is so grand and >  we are so miniscule that we will be ignored > completely.  Lee Trevino was scheduled to be next >  but his cellular phone rang one time too many and > he was killed by a set of grumpy ninjas hiding > behind a shrub. > > Next up is Bob Smith and his mascott Woodchuck Woody. > He sets down the woodchuck and readies his driver. > > Oh too bad, he sliced it, out of bounds, right in > between two of the Oracle's toes. > > "Not to worry," says Bob, "Woody here is trained to > locate lost balls". > > With that the woodchuck speeds off toward the Usenet > Oracle. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} who <<ZOT>>s it immediately, as the Oracle can recognize a } w**dch*ck question no matter how cleverly it is disguised.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Or-cle, whose name I am not fit to mention, please > deign to listen to my question -- it is of minor importance to you, but > my life hangs in the balance. > > The last few days I have been getting more and more tired.  Right now > it is 1:30 in the afternoon, and yet I am ready to go to bed.  This is > clearly not a good thing, and I am baffled as to why I am suddenly > without energy.  Could it be related to the fact that I have spent the > last few nights staying up until 4am with my girlfriend? > > Sincerely, (yawn), > A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being the wise and omnipotent Oracle, I have never personally } encountered this phenomenon. However, those in my Priesthood who have } suffered their vows of chastity with a wink and a nod inform me that } these guidelines may help: } } * If your lover is waving a white flag (feebly) or has errogenous zones }   that are actually emitting light, you may want to ease up a bit. } } * If the aforementioned zone is glowing brightly and you just can't }   bring yourself to stop, wear sunglasses to afford some protection to }   your eyes. } } * If you or your lover has a climax so loudly that 911 calls *you*, }   take at least 30 minutes to recuperate. } } * Condoms may also be blown up and tied into many interesting animal }   forms between encounters, but never while in use, please. } } And finally, if you find that you habitually smoke after good sex, } consider using a lubricant. Or at lest doing it a bit more slowly. } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of your girlfriend's sister, or one } condom-sculpture in the shape of a Pterodactyl.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, why do puns have such a bad reputation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A good question...  In fact I believe it may be the first time I've } ever been asked that.  Which reminds me of some other "firsts": } } January 13, 1910: the first Army dental unit was formed.  They had a } good drill team. } } January 16, 1919: the first elevator company opened.  It had its ups } and downs. } } January 29, 1931: the first human cannonball was hired by a circus.  He } was fired.  Then they hired someone of higher caliber. } } February 8, 1895: the steam iron was invented.  It solved some pressing } problems. } } February 9, 1865: the coffee grinder was invented, and gave us grounds } for celebration. } } February 11, 1911: the first art contest was held.  Winners were } selected by a drawing. } } March 20, 1889: the patent was granted for the sewing machine.  It left } everyone in stitches. } } March 30, 1866: dynamite was first made, and the company did a booming } business. } } April 15, 1930: the first credit card was issued.  People got a charge } out of it. } } June 2, 1949: calculators were first used.  They were so successful } that adding machines began to multiply. } } June 29, 1941: the circuit breaker was invented.  A lot of people } re-fused to use it. } } August 16, 1918: illuminated helmets were first made for miners.  It } made them feel light headed. } } December 7, 1890: popcorn was invented by an Army colonel. } } December 20, 1900: the thermometer was invented by a man with many } degrees. } } But enough reminiscing, as my proctologist says "Let's get to the } bottom of this."  Puns are often frowned upon because they're so badly } over used, and also because some people use one pun after another. } } You owe the Oracle a new watch for his timely response.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah, most wondrous Oracle,  whose enormous > Brain is much larger  than even the least > Challenged human.  Yes, Oracle whose most > Dreary  moment of being  would terminally > Excite even  the most adventurous  of our > Favorite superheros.  Usenet Oracle whose > Glands  secrete juices the likes of which > Have only been speculated at  by the most > Industrious  of human  scientists.  It is > Just impossible to explain the so awesome > Kindness  you show paltry  supplicants by > Lowering yourself to  reply to  questions > Men and women alike bring to you in their > Naive search for the knowledge and wisdom > Of your mighty existence that can end our > Pondering once and for all.  Great Oracle > Quiets our worries and kindly helps us to > Recover from our troubles. I, your humble > Supplicant, come before your greatness in > The hopes of satisfying my need.  Please, > Usenet Oracle,  who knows  alphabetically > Very much more than poor humans can  deal > With and can explain, in order, more than > X-Wives claim to know, even. Oracle, will > You please answer this question without a > Zot: Tell me EVERYTHING there is, Master.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everything there is, without a zot: } } ants,apples,aardvarks,antimony,simony,ab } aci,abal       one   ,ana      basi  s,a } pricots  ,an  al  y  sts ,  a ncho  vies } ,anger ,bi  va  lve  s,bi  cycles  ,bigo } ts,bisho  ps,  roo  ks,c  rooks,  pawns, } spawn,  da w  n,b  ooks  ,cooks  ,angels } ,ang  le  s,  s  axoph  ones,sex,art,win } e,       wom   en,so    ng,se  x,drugs,r } ockandroll,sex,knights,queens,squares,an } dsomuchmoreIcannotbegintosayitallhere!!! } } You owe the Oracle a cryptic crossword.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Eliot's strength is not so much in his subject matter as in the highly > original way in which he deals with it." > > Discuss with detailed references to any of the poems below: > > The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock > Portrait Of A Lady > Rhapsody On A Windy Night > Preludes > Journey Of The Magi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <BEEP> You have reached the Allmighty USENET Oracle. The Oracle is not } in at the moment, but an automated answering service has been provided } for YOUR convinence. } } Please press '1#' for the answer to 'What is the meaning of life?' } } Please press '2#' for the answer to 'How much wood...' } } Please press '3#' for the answer to.... } ... } } <Several hours later> } } Please press '4126536253#' for a discussion of Eliot's poems } } <Supplicant: Whew. At last. *BeepBeepBeBeepBeepBeep*> } } Thank you. You have pressed '4136536253#' for the answer to 'Why is my } umbrella so small?' Here is your answer: } } <Supplicant: What the...?> } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why is my umbrella so small? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } I'm glad you asked this. To answer this, we must go back in time to } } 1847, and pay a visit to mr. Alosiys Umbrella, the inventor of } } <Supplicant: No! That wasn't my question! I wanted Eliot! }  *BeeepBepBeepBebep*> } } Thank you. You have pressed '8823789QZXPY#' for the answer to 'Why can't } I have my nose on the back of my head instead of in front?' Here is your } answer: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why can't I have my nose on the back of my head instead of in front? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Well, you see the nasal structure of humans is a very interesting } } <Supplicant: AAAAARGH! *click*> } } <Oracle: Phew. I thought he'd never hang up.>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fount of knowledge, how doth one know when > a woman friend containeth feelings for her man > friend but cannot expresseth them in the proper > manner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The frying pan is a dead giveaway.