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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                      Frequently Unanswered Questions } ... } } 37. "Why?" } }     Every year, the Oracle receives over two dozen "Why?" questions }     from bored grad students and unimaginative new net users.  "Why?" }     is likely left unanswered for one of the following reasons. } }     1. "It's none of your business why." }     2. Your "Why?" question likely did not contain sufficient cringing }        and scraping to impress the Oracle.  Grovel harder next time. }     3. "Because."  (The ANSI committee in 1992 abolished this reason }        for not answering "Why?".  Oracle, however, supports "Because" }        for backward compatibility with older, less-flexible supplicants. }     4. It uses valuable resources.  While the Oracle ponders your }        trivial "Why?", a decent, groveling supplicant, whose very life }        may depend on the Oracle's prompt attention, is left hanging. }     5. You are simply annoying the Oracle.  ZOT! } ...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle who helps the working stiffs as much the students, > please tell me. > > Why is it that American companies give only two weeks annual vacation > while European employees get six weeks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle quotes a Merrill-Lynch-Pierce-Fenner & Smith } Unilaterally-Holistic Vacation-Futures Prospectus currently available } in the UK: } } ....now is the time for Europeans to vacation while the falling } American vacation is suffering from the sluggish economic wake-up. } Trading against bi-annually averaged Euro-vacation days, the American } vacation is down almost a week-and-a-half over a full fiscal year. } This contrasts with the rapid rise in the American vacation day against } the Japanese vacation day.  All the Japanese will have left is the } yen.........to travel.   French Travel Minister, Toulouse Bowelle, } reports that the Euro vacation is on the rise, and by next summer the } French vacation will be two weeks 3 days and seven hours against a mere } American fortnight.  M. Bowelle ended his report by recommending that } Americans shore up their faltering travel plans by staying at } EuroDisney, where a mere two weeks seems like an eternity. } } You owe the Oracle a T-shirt that says, "Welcome to France - Now Go } Home !"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a lot of air in my dustbin.  Do I throw that away too ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Holy moly supplicant! This is the 90s in case you hadn't noticed! } People all over the world are waking up to the importance of recycling. } Conservation of nonrenewable resources is vital should your species } expect to survive the next millenium. (It won't BTW, but that's not the } point). } } First world countries such as America (which consumes 34% of the } world's air supplies despite having only 4% of the world's lung surface } area) have wantonly wasted air at a rate which, if not slowed, will } exhaust the earth's air supplies within 50 years. An example is the } French artiste "Le Petomaine" who would use gallons of air per hour in } his act. } } Current high air prices is also a danger to the last few unspoiled } places on earth. Canadian prospectors have discovered huge tracts of } air above the Antarctic ice shelf, and pressure is mounting from } commercial interests interested in exploiting this area for profit. } } In response ecological groups have started air recycling centres. The } idea is that you separate all the air from your glass, plastic, and } organic waste, package it safely, and take it to a local conservation } centre. Waste air is collected centrally, melted down, and purified to } make it almost indistinguishable from naturally mined air. Further } ecological savings can be made by only buying unbleached air. } } Remember supplicant, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of } the problem. } } You owe The Oracle 5 truckloads of activated carbon filters and an } underground bunker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is wiser: Curley or Moe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The contestants, Curley, Larry and Moe, wait for the final, decisive } question... } } QuizMaster: "Who is wiser: Curley or Moe?" } } [simultaniously] } } Curley: "Moe" } Moe: "Curley" } Larry: "Preston Manning" } } [loud applause ensues.  the crowd rushes up to congratulate Larry, }  while Curley and Moe spend some time poking each other in the eyes, }  hitting one another over the head, etc...] } } You owe the Oracle a question that can be realistically answered } "Larry", like "who was the 8th president of the United States" or } "what is the name of the garbage person's golden retriever".  Sheesh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who never errs, but whose priests do, > > A long time ago, I had an entry in the Oracularities which appeared > twice in the same issue, thanks to a Priest's clerical mistake; > maybe two mistakes, the first being to choose it at all, since it > wasn't very good. > > At that time, the Oracularities didn't include the voting results of > earlier issues; recently, I discovered that I could get the results > by asking your mailserver to send oracle/votes. > > Looking through the old results, I found the following: > >     467-06 e5211 1.7 >     467-07 38230 2.1 > > Exactly the same Question with exactly the same Answer, but two very > different results! > > I have a few hypotheses about why the votes were different, but I > feel I need more data to properly understand the phenomenon. > > In order to advance the cause of human knowledge, please order the > Priest who reviews this to select this Question, and your Answer, > many times, so that the same exchange will appear ten times in one > issue of the Oracularities, so that I can study the resulting voting > patterns. > > Oh. That's not a question. Ummm, > > If pigs had wings they could fly, so since they have flies why can't > they just wing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Oracularity being chosen more than once was no mistake. In fact } the Priest's intention was to select it 10 times, but her computer } crashed in fits of digitised laughter. } } You know how it is when you buy a new CD, often you don't like it the } first time you listen to it, but it grows on you. It's often the } truly brilliant albums that require this "growing" process. The } same thing happends with jokes. } } Had the priest being using a Cray XMP with the capacity to chuckle } 15 million times a second (15 GIGACHUCKS) rather than a hacked Super } Nintendo games console, the voting results for your joke would have } been: } } 467-06 e5211 1.7 } 467-07 38230 2.1 } 467-08 02a72 3.5 } 467-09 02a72 3.5 } 467-10 002a9 4.1 } 468-01 0002f 4.9 } 468-02 0000F 5.0 } 468-03 0000Z 5.9 } 468-04 0000? 17.8 } 468-05 000000000000000F 268,009.1 } } The Oracle regrets any inconvenience caused by our previous technical } difficulties and hopes that you will continue to use this service. } } Now, for your new question: } } "If pigs had wings they could fly, so since they have flies why can't }  they just wing it?" } } That's easy, if you just look at the front of your trousers } #$#$(*%#$%#&*&$# CRAY XMP PERFORMANCE EXCEPTION.... SYSTEM GOING DOWN

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh benevolent Oracle, I humbly beg you answer me this: > Why can't I ever get a straight answer from anyone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    What do you mean?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what was a freudian slip called before freud was born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Freudian Slips" are a disease like Repetitive Strain Injury", } invented by trendy pinko-leftist liberal commie-loving welfare } pushing socialist-voting academics to explain nothing at all. } Here are the top ten diseases that will be similarly "discovered" } in the next three years. } }     Disease                            True Nature of Syndrome }     -------                            ----------------------- } 10) Organic Matter Disfigurement       Doesn't wash }  9) Time Dilation Disorder             Tends to miss train/buses }  8) Nixon's Disease                    Dishonest }  7) Involuntary Excitement Syndrome    Horny }  6) Conciousness Deprivation Syndrome  Oversleeps }  5) Quayle's Disease                   Stupid }  4) Reality Uptake Disorder            Absent-minded }  3) Pile of Ashes Syndrome             Fails to grovel }  2) Hand-Movement Attention Deficit    Scratches crotch in public } } And the number one fashion disease will be (drum roll) } }  1) Excessive Organisation Disease     Makes top 10 lists } } Please Sir! You owe The Oracle another bowl of cruel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle > > Why is beer so expensive when it is about 95% water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh, You must not have tried Natural light.  Cheap beer has the same } amount of Booze in it, and tastes more and more like the water you are } paying for.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle wise and true I beseech you to hear my lament. > > Ok here we go > Theres this girl you see, call her C, and I'm rapidly falling > hopelessly in love with her. Unfortunately, she is going out with D, > and given her character is unlikely to dump him. I never get to see her > when he's not there, they spend every waking hour together and have > done so for the month they've been going out. There relationship, from > my biased point of view, still seems very shallow. Add to this that I > think the relationship is actually harming her and what you end up with > is a confused and indecisive me. >       What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Things are never as simple as they seem. While U believe that C is } faithful to D, D is under the influence of the evil I, and is destined } for L. When C asked D why he was in the pool hall with Q, D said that Q } goes by many names and is actually H's X. C smiled, for she knew that X } is secretly J, and has been seen out with both M and F. F refused J's } advances at a party, so J asked Y. Y said he loved T, but after a while } said he had to go off to P. Sadly P was in the long grass out the back } making A. (Being drunk and unprepared, nine months later A gave birth } to a little red N. A never said who the father was, causing everybody } to say "O") C saw D emerge from a back room with whip marks on his } legs. C screamed "G!" and stormed off. } } So make your move now supplicant. C is on the rebound, but might be } sucked into D's world, and get involved with S and M.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Charming and Proper Oracle, > >     Your presence is kindly requested Monday, June 13, at the > investiture of the Princess Royal. > > R.S.V.P. > > H. R. M. > Queen Elizabeth of Windsor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most Propping and Charmer Majesty, } } I shall be glad to attend the investiture.  However, given that I } only just received your invitation today and the ceremony took place } yesterday, I fear that I must resort to time travel yet again.  We } both know how painful that can be.  Remember when I used it to attend } Charles' first polo match?  He wound up married to that Diana woman } instead of Paula Abdul, the Shah was exiled from his own country, } Hereford cattle changed color, and Dick Nixon became a hero on his } deathbed.  But at least Andrew didn't get caught with John Major, so } perhaps it's all right.  Expect me last week. } } Yours, } } Sir Oracle, K.U.