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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is today's date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today's date is a small, brown fruit that grows on palm trees in } various warm areas on the earth. Yesterday's date was sitting } right next to today's date on the date tree, but it was eaten } (yesterday, of course) by a small boy who was climbing palm trees } instead of going to school. } } Dates taste nice because the word 'date' contains vowels. Everything } that tastes nice contains vowels ('pizza' and 'beef' are but two } examples). Everything that tastes nasty contains consonants } ('rice pudding' and 'worms' are two examples). You may argue that } a name such as 'hot dog' contains both vowels and consonants, but } that is simply because some people like hot dogs, while others don't. } } You owe the Oracle a delicious auiou.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose knowledge shines brighter than my Carribean sunburn, > please hear my plea and help me! > > I was studying alone in my dorm room late one night when a soft knock > came on my door. I opened the door, and in came Linda from my math > class and a friend of hers that she introduced as Rachel. Well, one > thing led to another, and now I need to know:  Are the letters in > Penthouse Forum real? If they print a letter I send them, do they send > me any money, or should I send my experience to Reader's Digest for the > big bucks? > > (name and address withheld by request)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest supplicant, } } Being the omniscient Oracle that I am, and therefore knowing the } contents of your letter, I would suggest you submit it to Reader's } Digest.  They are still looking for good material for their "Laughter, } the Best Medicine" section. } } You owe the Oracle Victoria's secret.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh great ponderous Oracle for whom words > cannot describe, please answer this question... > >    I just completed a six week vacation around > the US by car.  My brother and I started in > Michigan, took old Route 66 from St. Louis to > Arizona, visited the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, > Zion National Park, Las Vegas, Hoover Dam, > then went down to San Diego and visited Tijuana, > then traveled northward visiting Los Angeles, > including Beverly Hills and Hollywood, stopped > at Sequoia National Park and Yosemite National > Park, then went to San Francisco and walked up > and down the hills, then went north visiting > the redwood forests and doing a little > salmon fishing, then continuing north, visited > Seattle and rode the Space Needle, then > headed eastward again visiting Coulee Dam, > Glacier National Park, Yellowstone National > Park, where we saw many animals, Mt. Rushmore, > and the Badlands, Minneapolis-St. Paul, where > we visited the Mall of America and the > Museum of Questionable Medical Devices, then > the Wisconsin Dells, Milwaukee, Chicago, > finally ending back in Michigan where my > family lives. > > Did anything happen while I was gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is a sampling of headlines from newspapers around the country } while you were away: } } 15 May 1994 } St. Louis Sentinal:  GAS STATION HOLDUPS PLAGUE MIDWEST } } 18 May 1994 } Phoenix Press:  BEER TRUCK HIJACKED FROM CITY DISTRIBUTOR } } 21 May 1994 } Flagstaff Herald:  LITTERING ON THE INCREASE -  EMPTY BEER }                    BOTTLES STREWN THROUGHOUT CANYON PARKS } } 22  May 1994 } Las Vegas Observer:  TWO STEAL LIMOSINE WITH FEMALE ESCORTS STILL }                      INSIDE } } 23 de Mayo 1994 } Tijuana Libertado:  DOS GRINGOS MOLESTAN EL BURRO - POLICIA BUSCAN }                     LIMOSINO } } 24 May 1994 } Los Angeles Times:  CONVENIENCE STORE/LINGERIE STICKUPS A MYSTERY }                     POLICE SAY SUSPECTS TRAVEL IN LIMO WITH HOOKERS } } 26 May 1994 } San Francisco Chronicle:  PRANKSTERS UNLOAD TRUCKLOAD OF BOWLING BALLS }                           DOWN STREET - DISASTER NARROWLY AVERTED AT }                           SENIORS CONVENTION } } 28 May 1994 } Seattle News:  HOOLIGANS HANG BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD BANNER FROM SPACE }                NEEDLE } } 30 May 1994 } Yellowstone Gazette:  RANGERS CONCERNED - PARK ANIMALS }                       FOUND WEARING STOLEN L.A. LINGERIE } } 2 JUNE 1994 } Dakota Free Press:  MT. RUSHMORE DEFILED - PRESIDENTS GIVEN NOSE RINGS } } 6 June 1994 } Minneapolis Bulletin:  MALL OF AMERICA EMPTIED AFTER GIANT STINK BOMB } } 7 June 1994 } St. Paul Herald:  ENLARGER EXHIBIT STOLEN FROM MEDICAL MUSEUM } } 12 June 1994 } Milwaukee Bee:  BEER LOVING BROTHERS WIN STATE SLOGAN CONTEST }                 "EAT CHEESE OR DIE!" } } 15 June 1994 } Chicago Tribune:  MYSTERIOUS BROTHERS CRASH CHILI EATING CONTEST, }                   GIVE NEW MEANING TO TERM "WINDY CITY" } } 18 June 1994 } Detroit Chronicle:  BROTHERS TRY TO KILL ONE ANOTHER - HIRE }                     SAME COP WORKING AS UNDERCOVER HIT MAN } } You owe the Oracle a tank of Hi-test.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful > than a locomotive, and able to leap tall supplicants in a single > bound... > > Since the murder of my parents by a mugger, I have dedicated my life to > fighting crime.  I have studied criminology at the best schools, > mastered several martial arts, honed my body into a weapon, and > invented a number of useful hi-tech gadgets.  I am ideally suited to a > life of fighting crime, but something is missing. > > Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, but they're not afraid > of me. I need something to frighten them when I first arrive on the > scene.  Could you please give me some ideas? > >               --Bruce W.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Inventiveness and adaptiveness is an important part of the training of } the modern superhero. You must come up with your own solution, though } I'll allow you to learn from others' failures. } } (1) The Fly. Eminently fearsome for criminals and stealthy at night. } First problems noted when criminals started wearing Australian hats } with corks hanging off them. Limited ability to cooperate with police. } When officers shouted "Raid!", superhero would run in opposite } direction. } } (2) The Professor. Long black academic gown invited respect. Extremely } logical and able to deduce the identity of culprits based on small } amounts of evidence. Ability of limited use as The Professor would stop } to publish journal papers on methods. Soon dropped out of the public } eye as he sent grad students along to every crime after the first few. } } (3) Cowman. Initially little respect or fear from criminals. They } soon felt the brunt of Cowman's udder-gun which shot supersonic jets of } milk. Then Gary Larson came along and cocked up the whole image. } } (4) McEnroeman. Noted for his gold-plated tennis racquet and white } shorts. Unable to secure convictions as he insisted on money in advance } before entering any court, and continuously argued that the Judge } "CAN-NOT BE SERIOUS". Partner "The Wonder Graf" even less impressive. } After defeating nearly every criminal in the world, The Wonder Graf was } unexpectedly beaten by a nine year old first time shoplifter. } } (5) Pink Floyd. Noted 70s supergroup embarked on a life of } crimefighting using high-technology apparatus soon after the relative } failure of their album "Obscured by Clouds". Initially promising career } with near-victory over Darth Vader sidelined after The Floyd came under } the influence of "The Dark Side". } } (6) U.N. Securityforceman. Completely useless. Arriving on scene of } crime U.N. Securityforceman would make dire threats as to the fearsome } punishment to be inflicted on the criminals, who would merrily continue } with their business. } } (7) London Undergroundman. Has solved every crime committed in the } tunnel between Charing Cross and Leicester Square stations in the last } five years. Expected to devastate London's criminal community when the } train he's on is finally restarted. } } (8) The Bobbit. While little immediate effect has been noted, The } Bobbit's efforts are expected to vastly reduce the numbers of criminal } elements in future generations. } } You owe The Oracle a skintight lyrca bodysuit with a big O on the } chest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Oracles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, exactly ZERO, of course! Why do you think I keep a stock of } supplicants handy in my closet? THEY do all my work for me, of course! } Except where Lisa is involved... } } You owe the oracle a year's duty in my closet. Actually, let's make } that two years for lack of appropriate groveling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is an easy way to meet others on the internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, one good way of meeting people, ma'am, is through the Internet } Dating Game! } } *************************** } Live from INDIANA! It's the INTERNET DATING GAME! And here's your host, } T.U. "T-Dog" Oracle!!! } } Oracle: Hello all, hello bachelorette, and hello to our three } bachelors. We all know the rules, so let's get going... } } <cheesy music> } } Oracle: Bachelor #1 is a computer scientist from Van Nuys...meet Dave } Froog } } Froog: *snort* Hi, Orrie } } Oracle: Bachelor #2 is a college freshman computer nut from the } University of Illinois...meet Gordo Glieck! } } Glieck: Hey. } } Oracle: And last but not least, say hello to Bachelor #3, a 12-year old } Beavis-clone who's using his big brother's account, Biff! } } Biff: AWR1GHT TH1S 1S K00L G1RLZ RULE 4-EVER MAN!!!!! } } Oracle: Without any further ado, Bachelorette, ask your questions. } } Bachelorette: Oh...okay. Um...Bachelor #1: if you were a tree, what } kind would you be? } } Froog: I'd be a logically-oriented program tree. Optimally, I'd be the } sort of tree implemented by AT&T's earlier versions of UNIX. Quite } frankly *snicker* it "leafs" the others in the dust! *chuckle* } } Oracle: What an abyssmal human being. Bachelor #2, what about you? } } Glieck: Huh? What tree? Um...I dunno. Maple maybe. Hey, } bachelorette...um, what are you wearing? Are you into, um... } } Oracle: Right. How bout you, Bachelor #3 } } Biff: 1D BE A B1G ST1FF TALL TREE CUZ 1 G0T A B1G N ST1FF 0NE N G0 0UT } W1TH ME N 1LL R0CK Y0UR FREEK1NG W0RLD W1TH 1T S0 HARD 1T W0N'T BE } FUNNY U W0NT BE LAFF1NG NEETHER Y0UL BE BEGG1N F0R M0RE CUZ 1M A } FREEK!!!!! } } Oracle: How "DR0LL". Bachelorette, next question? } } Bachelorette: Okay, this one's multiple choice. Walks on the beach, } walks in the moonlight, or walks in the park: which do you prefer? } } Froog: I don't understand. I have a BMW....or are you talking about } screen savers for Windows? I have a dandy one of Spock beaming down on } Malibu... } } Oracle: Bachelor #2 } } Glieck: u m , gibve me a minutwe ive spilled spmething on my keyboard } } Oracle: Your seed, perhaps? How 'bout you Biff? } } Biff: PARK CUZ THATZ WHAT 1 HAVE 2-D0 WITH MY B1G ST1FF 0NE 1S PARK 1T } 1N THE GRAGE CUZ 1TS B1GGER THEN A BUS N ALL U HAVE 2-D0 1S G0 0UT W1TH } ME 0NE T1ME N 1LL G1VE U-THE B1FF TREETMENT!!!!! R0CK N R0LL BABY!!!! } } Bachelorette: Oh, my. } } Oracle: Well, hon, made up your mind yet? } } Bachelorette: Well, I've decided... } } Oracle: ...that none of them are worth a flip, and should be destroyed? } } Bachelorette: Yes. } } Oracle: And you'd much rather go out with me instead? } } Bachelorette: Well...yeah. I guess so. } } Oracle: Well, that's all for the Internet Dating Game, and as usual, I } win. G'night everybody. Hey, babe, wanna see my dueling scar? } ********************** } } Have you learned today's lesson, supplicant? The lesson is: meeting } people is real easy. Meeting GOOD people...well...try a bookstore or } something. } } You owe the Oracle a 200-sheet roll of Gangsta Wrap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the origin of the word newbie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NEWBIE: } }       "New" of course, means "of recent origin, having existed only a } short time; lately made, produced, or grown." That much you know. } }       The "bie" at the end of the word is an abbreviation of } "Biedermeier," which refers specifically to the German poet Gottleib } Biedermeier (1827-1892). Biedermeier wrote close to 74 different } volumes of rather terse, boring poetry, and began each of them with an } across-the-board disclaimer that each time generally stated "please } forgive the poor quality of these poems -- bear in mind, I'm still } rather new at this whole poetry thing." } }       There was, of course, no excuse for the quality of his poetry, } but his claims of being "new to poetry" made him famous as a laughing } stock. Consequently, people who made up lame excuses for their } ineptitudes became known in Germany as "Neubiedermeiers." This term } managed to cross the ocean to the States, and became the word "newbie." } }       Biedermeier died penniless, by the way. Ironically, the name was } misspelt "Biedermyr" on his tombstone, and this was apparently due to } the fact that it was the tombstone carver's "first day on the job." } }       You owe the Oracle a shoe horn.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most salubrious Oracle... > > I passed! > I got a II.2. > I thought I'd tell you as you've been very nice to me and sent me > lots of e-mails over the months.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see ... ah, here is the mail... } } Your first question was: } } > Oh, geographic Oracle, please, I have a test coming up and I need to } > know what the capital of China is.  Should you feel that this humble } > supplication is worthy of your time, please tell me what the answer } > is. } } After pondering it over, I finally responded: } } } Vancouver, B.C. } } } } You owe the Oracle an atlas. } } The next one was: } } > Here is your atlas, oh magnificent one.  But now I need to know what } > the Capital of Nigeria is. } } } New York, N.Y. } } } } You owe the oracle a map of Nigeria. } } And later, while still studying for your test, this mail was exchanged: } } > I found a map - it took a while to track down, but here is the map of } > Nigeria that you asked for.  But another question has come up - what } > is the capital of Mexico? } } } Los Angeles, Ca. } } } } You owe the Oracle a Mexican Cigar from Cuba. } } Sensing my humour, you wrote back: } } > You are funny, wonderful Oracle.  Your omniscience knows that I } > cannot get to Cuba when I don't know where it is.  But I need to know } > yet another capital.  What is the capital of Brazil? } } } Edmonton, AB. } } } } You owe the Oracle a pass to West Edmonton Mall in the capital of } } Brazil. } } Using the information I provided, you got a II.2 on your test. } Congratulations! } That means you obviously didn't follow my complete advice since you did } get those 2 marks.  The test was out of C.100. } } You owe the Oracle a few more letters for my collection.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it with this warp 13 thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Warp Thirteen is a secret discotheque located 100 metres below } Grand Central Station in New York City. In lieu of ordinary alcoholic } drinks, customers take hashish enemas and nicotine gum. Spectacular } lighting effects are produced when argon lasers pass through a giant } prism of ice in the center of the room. In the center of that prism, } serenely entombed, is the corpse of famed animator Walt Disney. The } musical agenda tends to be dominated by Zager and Evans, Prince's } unreleased "Black Album", and German "industrial" techno-pop. }       The entrance to Warp Thirteen is a telephone booth in NYC. The } relevant booth changes from day to day; members have the schedule } tattooed microscopically onto their left thumbnail, and when necessary } read the tattoo with a jeweller's loupe. If you find the right booth, } all you need do is a dial a permanent 7-digit code number, uniquely } selected by robotic "commissioners" for your own personal use. If you } dial a valid code number, the phone booth will sink from sight } unobtrusively, and you will receive a smooth, brief ride straight down } to the disco. }       Often spotted at Warp 13: Vice-President Al Gore, Wil Wheaton of } "Star Trek: The Next Generation" fame, and comedian Soupy Sales. Henry } Kissinger is said to have raped a stewardess there in 1982.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a star2000 graphics card.Is there anybody out there who has > the same card?I ask this because I have a problem with the dos drivers. > To be more specific while I have 2MB of card ram in Windows giving me > 16 M colors ,in Dos I haveonly 256KB(at least so says the Dos) of > card memory giving me very low resolution and with max 256 colors. > If someone could help me I would be very grateful. > Thank you Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you think DOS drivers are bad, you should see Boston drivers!