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} Baseball is called "America's national pastime" because, for many
} decades, it was far more popular in America than elsewhere; not because
} it is more popular in America than other pastimes. Today, baseball is
} the national pastime of America and Japan. (Why did baseball catch
} on much more in Japan than in Germany or Italy? You didn't ask that
} question, so I won't distract you by answering it.) In any event,
} baseball is now Nipo-America's national pastime.
}
} If America's national pastime were defined by the amount of time
} Americans devote to it, that pastime would be three inter-related
} activities: worrying, envying others, and trying to figure out ways
} to make more money. (By contrast, most people sleep only several
} hours a day.)
}
} Some people thought that sleepball would become America's national
} pastime, but it never caught on. I'll tell you the rules. Just before
} you go to sleep, get a roll (a roll, not a sheet) of postage stamps.
} Tear off four stamps. Now, you have a strip of four stamps. There are
} two end stamps (the stamps at the strip's two ends) and two middle
} stamps (the stamps in the middle). Lick one of the end stamps.
} Wind the strip of stamps around the shaft of a penis, so that the
} two ends of the strip overlap (with the wet stamp on top, so that
} its glue does not touch any skin). When the glue dries, the strip
} of stamps will be like a paper ring glued around the penis's shaft.
} The player (that's the person with the strip of stamps around the
} circumference of the shaft of his penis) goes to sleep. If he has
} an erection in his sleep, the strip of stamps will tear (along a
} perforation, incidentally). When he wakes up, he'll discover a torn
} strip of stamps (if he had an erection; otherwise, the strip of stamps
} will remain intact and in place). Typically, one goes to sleep with
} a soft, bowling-ball-sized sphere covered with fur (the "sleepball").
} This is because players report that erections are more common if
} the player sleeps with a soft, curvaceous object. Some players
} sleep with a friend (or, if they're desperate, a spouse): this is
} cheating (unless the marriage has lasted for at least seven years,
} in which case the effect of the spouse's availability is considered
} insignificant). With the sole exception of players who sleep with
} someone to whom they have been married for at least seven years, the
} player must sleep alone. (Incidentally, Wilson makes a fine line of
} regulation sleepballs.)
}
} The game is televised (because the players don't sleep under a blanket
} in a regulation game). Fluorescent ink is painted onto the stamps.
} Special bulbs (emiting light invisible to the naked eye) make the
} stamp rings glow in the dark. All the television audience sees is
} a ring glowing in the dark. Gradually, the ring begins to throb.
} Then, if there is enough of an erection, it tears. Millions of TV
} viewers cheer. The game is usually played as a two-player competition.
} Bets are made about which one will have an erection first. Sometimes
} there are bets about the point spread (the number of minutes separating
} the spliting of the two player's rings). The players sleep with EEG
} equipment attached, to be sure that they are asleep when the ring
} bursts. The players must have an ejaculation in the ninety minutes
} before applying the stamp ring. The ejaculations are witnessed
} by medical personnel, but are not televised in the United States.
} There was once a cable station that had only sleepball programming.
} It was called the "sleepball station." Sleep-ball never became a big
} sport in America, chiefly because of the efforts of anti-fur activists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a regulation sleepball.
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