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} Playful grasshopper, you're still learning. You use words without yet
} knowing their meaning. You're not a respondent. I'm a respondent,
} because I am responding to you. Look at the words "respondent in your
} stead [i.e., place]." Because I know all, I know that you meant to
} write the word "I" instead of "respondent in your stead." In other
} words, you want to know how to become one of my "prophets" (like
} Darkmage and Harold the Foot). The people you named are part of my
} priesthood. Their vocation is priest, not prophet. Incidentally,
} trust me when I tell you that Carole S. Fungaroli has already paid her
} dues.
}
} Frisky puppy, there are two aspects to becoming one of my priests:
} procedural and substantial.
}
} The procedural aspect is simple: post a request to rec.humor.oracle.d.
} Humbly ask to become one of my priests, giving the same, exemplary
} priests' names that you gave me.
}
} The substantial aspect of becoming one of my priests is difficult. You
} must be worthy of the priesthood. Many people (cruelly) say that this
} requires having no sense of humor, or at least an erratic one. Like an
} umpire, priests decide what's in and what's out. No one has umpire
} trading cards. Understand? Thus, to prepare, you must get used to
} doing difficult, thankless work. Become a door-to-door taxidermist.
} Sell tickets to Haiti. Become a claims adjuster for an insurance
} company in Rwanda.
}
} You don't just want to be a priest, you want to be one of my "truly
} great" priests. Rambunctious foal, you are ambitious. As you must
} have noticed, Carole S. Fungaroli's pancreas is long, soft, and
} irregularly shaped. A short, hard, or regularly shaped pancreas is a
} predictor of mediocrity as a priest. Your pancreas is short, hard, and
} regularly shaped. You may want to buy my special pancreas-lengthener,
} -softener, and -mis-shaper (for only three, easy, monthly payments of
} $50.00 which you may charge on most, major, credit cards). In only a
} few, short weeks, you'll have a long, soft, irregularly shaped
} pancreas. Your friends and neighbors will admire you. You'll be on
} the road to greatness. The pancreas-lengthener (which is based on the
} same, scientific principle that enables highly sophisticated, old
} satellites to return to the earth) is all you need to impress my
} priest-selectors. Everyone else has to pay $150.00 but, because I like
} you, I am making it available (for a limited time only) for only three
} payments of $50.00 each. I know you'll make the right decision.
}
} Once you become one of my priests, you'll need a special, priestly
} decoder ring ($9.99), a satin robe with the Oracular insignia
} emroidered on the back ($76.95), a priestly license-plate-holder
} ($8.75), an official pen (with the words "Priest of the Oracle" in gold
} letters) to be used for all official duties ($3.96), a priestly modem
} ($699.90), a priestly cap and wand ($9.99 separately, $16.99 for both
} if both are bought at the same time), an embosser used to emboss
} documents with your priestly seal ($38.95), and an impressive,
} silver-foil packet containing blue ribbons and red wax used in
} conjunction with the embosser ($8.99).
}
} You'll probably want to apply for a Priesthood Credit Card (24.1% APR).
} It's in beautiful, gold-colored plastic, with your color photograph
} permanently imprinted on the front (rendering the card suitable for use
} as identification).
}
} Have a nice day.
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