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} Dear Supplicant,
} Let me address the more immediate danger first. Do not
} cut those wires! Do not cut any wires! It's a trap -- it's
} made to look like any simple, run-of-the-mill highly
} complicated explosive device. Here's what you need to do:
}
} 1) Acquire a cellular telephone. This is most easily done
} by leaping into a passing Jaguar convertible, grabbing the
} phone from the driver's hand, shouting "He'll call you
} back -- if he's not dead," and then jumping back on to
} the bus.
}
} 2) Call Dennis Hopper. Ask him if he would like to do
} lunch sometime.
}
} a) If Hopper agrees to lunch, ask him politely if he
} will give you a lot of money.
} i) If he says yes, you're done. Just hop into the
} next passing convertible. Tell the passengers that
} you're just going to get supplies, then turn away
} and smile menacingly.
} ii) If he says no, you're screwed. You might as well
} stay and become a national hero.
}
} b) If Hopper does not agree to lunch, ask him if he
} knows anything about bombs, or who the mad bomber
} might be.
} i) If he says he does know something, just hang up.
} He's insane -- don't listen to him.
} ii) If he says he doesn't know anything, you have
} found the mad bomber. Tell the police to go nab
} him. You will know that they have arrived when
} the bus explodes in a ball of fire.
}
} 3) In case 2.a.ii or 2.b.i, you still have work to do.
} You have several options at this point, depending on
} what you have available to you.
}
} a) If you have the cast of "Gilligan's Island" on board,
} have Ginger and Mary Ann do a strip tease in front of
} the hidden camera (Mr. Howell can supply some cash to
} the passengers to put in their panties), and send the
} Professor to defuse the bomb. Throw Gilligan out the
} window.
}
} b) If you have a bunch of old cast iron bathtubs on board,
} as well as some heavy Kevlar blankets, just have the
} passengers get into those. Discuss with the driver
} whether you should slam on the emergency brake and dive
} into a tub "on three," or if you should count "one, two,
} three -- and then go." In either case, remember to mention
} to the driver that you are "too old for this sh*t."
}
} c) If you have William Shatner on board, have him engage
} the bomb in a battle of wits. He will logically maneuver
} the bomb into a position where it has no choice but to
} explode. While the bomb is processing, remove it from the
} bus and step on the gas.
}
} d) If you have several hundred thousand cans of 7UP on board,
} look inside them until you find one with the words "Uncola
} Island," printed on the bottom of the can. At this point,
} follow the instructions inside the can -- you will soon
} be whisked away to a tropical paradise.
}
} e) If you have Richard Dean Anderson on board, point him to
} the bomb, give him plenty of chewing gum, and relax -- he'll
} figure it out.
}
} f) If all else fails, try putting aluminum foil on the ends of
} the red and blue wires, smack the side of the bomb with your
} hand a few times, and then slouch on a seat and stare
} mindlessly at it for the rest of the day.
}
} If you have managed to follow these directions, McDonald's
} will be happy to buy the movie rights from you. To avoid any
} possible legal hassles, they will insert a wheelchair-bound boy
} and a cute, friendly alien, into the script.
}
} You owe the oracle your life.
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