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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one, at whose feet I grovel and debase myself. Please > tell me, are paper clips larval coat hangers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is all wise concerning troublesome metallic problems. } } The absolute truth is that paper clips are parasites.  They are not } unlike common dog mange.  They lurk in small dark places found in } drawers of desk or hidden in the recessed areas on top of desks. } There they await for an unsuspecting group of papers to just be laying } around.  That's when they make their move (the clips that is).  They } will clip themselves onto the papers effectively holding the sheets } together.  The clips cause undue irritation to the paper at attachment } points sometimes even resulting in paper self mutilation and ripping. } The best treatment for this affliction is to try using the papers } parasitized with the clip.  Almost any movement of the pages while } reading them or transporting them will cause the clip to jump off. } Usually they jump off onto the floor and scurry under a desk, chair, or } file cabinet. } } Some people foolishly try to capture paper clips and keep them } contained. Silly people.  Paper clips always get away or end up being } dumped over the desk and onto the floor.  Eradication is impossible.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A long time ago, in a galaxy extremely far away, Anakin > Skywalker got someone (presumably his wife) pregnant. > We know what happened to him, we know what happened to > his kids.  What I want to know, All-Knowing One, is: > What happened to his wife? > > All I can think of is: > 1) Senator Organa killed her > 2) She died some unspecified time ago of natural causes > 3) She disappeared into a black hole and was never seen again. > > Nobody ever mentions her name, do they?  Is this some kind of > galactic conspiracy?  What is the secret behind Luke and Leia's > mother?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Historians studying that long ago time, are divided on this issue. } } The first group, realizing that technology was very advanced, believes } that Obi-Wan Kenobe was the mother, and that she had a sex change as } was required by the sexist Jedi Knights before becoming one. } } Others believe that Yoda's wife, Yodette (Also known as } YodalYodalLeiaWho, notice the third name) had an affair with Anakin. } Yoda was so enraged that he attacked Anakin, maiming him, and forcing } him to don a Black mask, and join the dark side of the force, the Jedi } Scum. } } Other possibilities include Jabba the Hut's wife, Pizza Hut, and } Chewbacca's wife, Chewin-Tobacco. } } What happened to this mysterious Lady?  The third group has an } explanation.  It is believed that Anakin had an affair with Amy } Fisher (was Carrie Fisher named after her?), and that Amy Fisher } killed Anakin's wife. } } You owe the Oracle a '94 Buick Imperial Walker. } } Lord Beefus, mouthpiece of the Oracle!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that every crazy scientist who manages to "invent" an > Artificial Intelligence invariably hands it the controls to his > underground laboratory's life support system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not because they plan to.  But few such scientists know what they're } in for when creating a new Artificial Intelligence.  This is probably } because almost none of them have raised children. } } Any parent would know that a newly-created Artificial Intelligence } would combine the possessiveness and grating whininess of a small child } with the infinite persistence of a computer program.  The unwitting Mad } Scientist, however, is completely unprepared for dialogues like this: } }   CAN I PRETTY PLEASE HAVE THE CONTROLS TO THE LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM? }  > for the last time, no!  now, go get me into the pentagon computers }    like i told you to. }   IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! YOU LET THAT LITTLE COMPUTER RUN THE AIR }   CONDITIONING AND YOU DON'T LET ME RUN ANYTHING. }  > oh, shut up about the air conditioning already and get me norad. }  > hello? }   YOU YELLED AT ME.  I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU ANY MORE. }  > oh, okay, i'm sorry, i got a little impatient.  now can we continue? }   CAN I PLAY WITH THE POWER GRID TOO?  I WON'T BREAK ANYTHING, I }   PROMISE. CANICANICANI? } } It only takes a couple of hours of this for a typical Mad Scientist to } capitulate completely and give the AI anything it wants, just to get } some peace and quiet. } } You owe the Oracle the email address of a good AI babysitter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I sleep all day > > I am awake all night > > My skin has gone rather pale looking > > I have cravings for raw meat and I scare small children. > > Am I turning into a vampire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, no! } } You're a computer science major.  But you can cure that dreaded } affliction by getting a haircut, using some Clearasil, getting new } contact lenses, hitting the gym, and getting a tan. } } Oh, yeah -- why don't you SHOWER, too? } } You owe the Oracle another movie about geeks getting makeovers and } becoming popular in high school.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh universal Oracle who knows the Secrets not only of the earth but of > the entire universe with all its strange phenomenom, tell me: > >   On Star Trek and all it's spin-offs, the occupants of all star ships > walk with their feet firmly on the ground. Most of the time, this can > be explained by environmental controls creating artificial gravity. > However, during power failures which shut down even life support > systems such as oxygen and radiation control, how is it that they do not > float around the ship? > >   Also, all the planets they visit appear to have the same level f > gravity as the earth. Given the diverse nature of the universe with the > unlikelyhood of identical conditions, how is it that the Enterprise > discovers only planets which are remarkably similar to earth. > >   Your most loyal devotee awaits your response. Please hurry, i am in > the process of planing my vacation for the Year 2041. My destination > will be determined by your answer. (Any suggestions)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant, little do you realize that in 2035 the Federation } repealed the Law of Gravity.  Thus, the occupants will never "float } around the ship" as you put it.  And since the Law of Gravity no longer } applies, all planets will have gravity similar to earth as mass is } no longer a factor. } } As for suggestions for a vacation destination, Lisa and I were partial } to the southern hemisphere of Jupiter until that damn comet spoiled } everything.  You haven't lived until you've experienced the sun } sinking slowly in Jovian methane.  There was nothing better at } putting her in the mood.  Damn! } } You owe the Oracle a new romantic vacation destination.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great oracle i am at your mercy.  I am looking for the > answer to the time old question.  Should you kiss on the first date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} it all depends on what part of the body you want to kiss. } } you owe the oracle some specificity.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> After seeing the front page of New York Newsday, will Howard Stern > continue running to be New York's Govenor?? > >               Baba Booey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Dear Baba, } }           Howard Stern doesn't concern himself with a rag like }           Newsday.  The guy's in the entertainment business so he'd }           rather pay attention to Variety.  Think of the various }           events from the New York campaign that would be reported in }           Variety . . . } }           If Howard Stern were to sell gelatin to passers-by in hopes }           of getting their votes in the election the headline would }           read: }                         SHOCK JOCK HOCKS KNOX BLOCKS } }           If Howard Stern were to use facsimile machines to combat }           rumors about his income tax situation the headline would }           read: }                            A TAX FAX ATTACKS FACTS } }           If Howard Stern was caught soliciting prostitution from }           three bisexuals and it ruined his political chances, the }           headline would read: }                          TRY BUY TRI BI; BYE BYE GUY } }           If Mario Cuomo were to be caught with another man on a }           stop-frame videotape the night before the election the }           headline would read: }                            SLO-MO HOMO; NO MO CUOMO

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle.. Yeah - you'se. Wat's dis Ah heah 'bout you tellin' my > girlfriend to leeve me? I'll meet you anytime, anywhere mister!  Why > you doing dat? Just 'cause I don't buy her anything or let her have a > car or talk to anyone izzint a good reeson to leave me! Ime a rilly > rilly smart guy. > > -Luther

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Lex Luthor } From: The USENET Oracle } } Mr. Luthor: } } As you are no doubt aware, the IQ-reducing ray you were planning to use } on Superman had a tragic problem with the aiming mechanism.  As you } have happily discovered however, the effects are temporary.  You might } want to check your E-Mail spool, however, because you did manage to } send off some embarassing letters to many people.  I am a reasonable } Oracle who knows the facts of the case, so I have forgiven you, but the } other receipients may not be so forgiving.  You'll probably have to } terminate them. } } Sincereley, } } T. USENET Oracle, Esq.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go right ahead, it'll only cost you 5,010,237,295 times 60 cents, or } $3,006,142,377.00. } } You owe the Oracle an Internet daemon for the biggest friggin' Coke } machine in the galaxy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, thou who can bench-press 5000 tons with thy little > finger. Thou who can clean and jerk the Empire State Building without > spilling any of the water in the goldfish bowl in office 132-09B. > Oracle! who can butterfly-press any amount of lead weights, even if > they were welded to the floor. Please, O Oracle hear this most pathetic > question from this 98 pound weakling, not even worthy of wiping the > sweat from The Oracular brow. That is, if there was any physical > exertion which would cause The Oracle to sweat, which there is not. > > Oracle, how did my aerobics instructor get biceps like that? (I'm too > scared to ask her myself).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biceps as large as your aerobic instructors are indeed hard to come by. } How did she get them? Let's find out by taking a little peek at her } daily schedule. } } 8:00 am:   Gets out of bed. Crawls under the bed. Does 100 pushups, }          with the bed on her back. } } 8:15 am:   Takes shower, using a special hand-pedal mechanism that }          pumps water from the ground at a speed commensurate with the }          speed of the hand pedals. Dries herself with 100 lb. sandbags. } } 8:30 am:   Makes breakfast. Pours Honey Nut Cheerios out of a }          specially-made box lined with 250 lbs. of osmium. Eats them }          with a spoon tied to a cinder block. } } 9:00 am:   Walks on her hands for 1/4 of a mile to the health spa. }          Lowers herself to kiss the sidewalk with every step. } } 10:00 am:  150 reps w/ 500 lb. bench press. 200 reps w/ 500 lb. squat }          bar. } } 11:30 am:  Lunch. Lifts snack machine in the health spa snack bar, and }          shakes it until all the granola bars fall out of it. Punches }          hole in the Ocean Spray machine for a couple cans of }          Cran-Grape. } } 12:30 pm:  Shake it out. Feel the burn. Then, 300 quick reps w/250 lb. }          curl bar and then to the punching bag with a pair of 150 lb. }          dumbbells. } } 2:00 pm:   1000 whacks on the Nancy Kerrigan dummy with a 175 lb. bar }          of tungsten carbide. } } 3:30 pm:   Aerobics. } } 4:30 pm:   Several thousand reps with the Nautilus machines. Mind you, }          not ON the Nautilus machines. WITH the Nautilus machines. } } 6:00 pm:   Dinner. Two-egg omelette, eggs cracked with a Thighmaster, }          and turned over with a 440 lb. stainless steel spatula. Bean }          curd juice, straight from the 55 gallon drum. } } 7:30 pm:   Off to work. Walks on her hands 1 mile to the Kensington }          SlaughteHouse. Punches live cows in the head until 12:00 }          midnight. And then, to bed. } } If you're this dedicated, supplicant, you, too, could have biceps that } size. However, be it known: the Oracle loves you...just the way you } are. } } You owe the Oracle a Fred Rogers sweater, and Dian Parkinson's phone } number.