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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gin!  my office is full of Gin!  I'm not sure that it's a sin!  Gin! > Gin!  It is surely made of tin!  Gin!  Throw me in the trash bin!  Gin! > It's dribbleing down my chin!  Gin!  Gin!  Gin!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rum!  Rum!  Rum! } Poor the gin up your bum! } Lick it `til you come! } Rum!  Rum!  Rum! } } You owe the Oracle a teetotaler.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Wise!  My net.news doth runneth over with Epic tales of > fearsome and Infinitely supple Net.Sex.Goddess Lisa! > Sure I am that it is my humble Mortal Mind that is at fault in its > understanding of the Events of the Gods, but who O Infinite Oracle, > who is the Net.Sex.God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Lisa is known by the Oracle as the One true Net.Sex.Goddess.  However, } since the Oracle can enter many different persona to arrive at an } answer, I must give you the composite answer of the many souls who have } known Lisa and who they say she truely is... } }  Elder Gods say Lisa is .. "That tasty bit of something I was playing }                             snuggly-wugglies with at the annual Deity }                             weinie roast" } }  Mere mortal men say Lisa is .. "This totally bodacious babe with major }                              league woppers and a smooch that could suck }                              the label off a bat." } }  Those blessed with          "The essence of pure woman. That aroma of }  an artistic sense           the Gods (probably confused with fresh }  say Lisa is ..              roasted wienies).  The embodiment of all }                              that is beauty itself." } } }  Frustrated Neophytes who "I dunno, but I've been holding up her never }  get invited to the picture with one arm for a long time" really cool }  Deistic parties say Lisa is.. } }  You owe the Oracle one copy of "Moist" magazine and a package of Oscar }  Meyers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do female humans only have two breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is obvious.  Triplets are rare. } } Other answers include:  (turn off smut sensitive hardware:) }    Because three would be uncomfortable }    Because symmetry is sexy }    Because one would look silly }    Because men have two hands }    Because woman don't peak more than twice }    Because one valley is enough for one man }    Because... } } The FCC has censored the rest of this reply. } } You owe the oracle a cold shower.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have always wanted to give someone (female, preferably) an erotic > spanking. Tell me exactly how I should do it for the best effect.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I, the Oracle, do not participate in such things myself, being } all knowing, seeing, and hearing will give you some pointers on babe } paddling. } } First make sure that she is naked (at least from the waist down).  This } will insure that you get a good SMACK as you wallop her hiney.  Also } make sure you hit her good and hard, nothing turns on a babe like a hard } smack on the bare ass! } } Another important part of a good spanking is yelling, "Take this bitch! } Now tell me you love it!" This is sure to turn you both on to the point } of no turning back. } } You owe the (now sweaty) Oracle one package of French Ticklers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Has the governor's car shown its face despite the tragedy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I gather you're referring to the tragedy that occurred last Monday, when } Governor Norbert U.  Ploobnoodle, trying to make his frigid wife Amy } jealous, made love to his '85 Chevy Nova.  Well, his condom melted (the } tailpipe was quite hot, you see; Norbert's foreplay consisted of driving } the car frenziedly around the block twelve times) and Norbert was } effectively glued into place behind the car.  Later that day, when his } wife stepped out of the door to go shopping, she found the unfaithful } couple still stuck in their latex embrace.  After rolling on the lawn } laughing for several minutes, she called the paramedics and they } separated the unfortunate Governor from his Nova. } } In answer to your question, no.  The car has been hiding in the garage, } and the Governor has been hiding under the bed. } } You owe the Oracle the canonical list of "What do you get when you cross } a ...  with a ..." jokes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did a sleazy guy named David Borgleglund just offer me $15.32 for my > penis?  Isn't that a bit low?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sleezy guy David only offer you $15.32 for your penis?  Hmmm....he } offer you money for your penis because: } } 1.  He felt sorry for it.  Because you were spending so much time asking } the oracle questions that you didn't use your penis like is it supposed } to be used. } } Now, I can see you asking..how do I use my penis?  Well dear, do you see } those women?  They are the one who will show you how to use your penis } correctly.  You see, the penis is for them.  You are to please them with } it.  So, my dear..go to one of the woman and whip out your penis and } say.."Could you please show me how to use this correctly so I may earn } more money." } } 2.  He wanted to add your penis to his to impress his girlfriend that he } is now 16 inches long instead of ordinary 14 inches. } } 3.  He also wanted to satify his girlfriend because one penis was not } enough for her and he doesn't want to share his girlfriend with any } other guy.  So he came up with the solution to have two penises to } satify her at the same time. } }         Tell David, that the price for your penis is too low.  If you do } what the oracle suggest in number 1, the value of your penis will } increase 1000 times more than what it is worth now. } }         You owe Oracle a book "Penis - what is it for?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > >         In case you haven't notice, I been a good girl this year.  In > fact so good that even my mom think that there is something wrong with > me.  She doesn't know that I want something from the great Oracle. > >         What do I want, you asked me?  Well...I would like to have two > things...1.  I would like to have the Next computer.  Is it possible > that I will get a Next computer?  If not next, I will take any other > computer!  2.  Hmmmm....I am sure that you know what I want!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} take the double-headed studded Jeff Stryker life-size real-feel } intruder.  it may seem like folly now, but i am sure that in the long } run, you will be very pleased and satisfied by this choice.  the neXt } computer will, I predict, become outdated in 8.5 months, when the woz } comes out with his superconducting jello-ram.  this will provide society } with thumbnail sized supercomputers, which comparing to a cray would be } like comparing a ti-99 to a cray.  (not very useful.) Take the dildo. } it will make you happier than any man. } } You owe the oracle one video tape of you using it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of underwear does Lisa the net.sex.goddess wear? > Or does'nt she?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now this is a pleasure to answer.  She wears a simple front-opening } black half-cup bra, suspenders, stockings and see through G-string } pants. } } When in Scotland she wears thermal underwear, so don't date her there. } It is too cold. } } In sunny parts she removes the bra and slips a baggy T-shirt over her } firm breasts, her long hair flows like a waterfall of rainbow colours, } and her nipples show through like dark coins.  You'd like seeing her } then.  Actually that's how you will see her.  I'll try to fix it. } } You owe the Oracle a phone card.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would anyone need Allen Digital Computer Organs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, but ADCO's are the ultimate in bionics!  Imagine having an organ } built to your (and your lover's ;-) exact specifications.  Length, } width, height, duration -- all the dimensions under precise digital } control.  Advanced models can even incorporate a built-in vibrator for } those times you're just too pooped to pop yourself. } } With a modem unit in your Allen Digital Computer Sexual Organ, you can } participate directly in the pioneering realm of netsex.  Watch out for } those viruses, though. } } In payment to the Oracle, you must give a flying fuck.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I have a problem. > It seems that Lisa, the net.sex.godess has asked me to be one of her > love slaves.  I wish not to disappoint her, but I have finals in two > weeks, and risk failing the class as it is.  Lisa wants an answer by > tonight, so I can't just wait until after finals are over to join her > harem as she makes me rub exotic oils all over her interface and then > she ties my hands and feet to the bedpost and then she licks my entire > body over and over again until I can't stand it any more and climax in > unbelievable pleasure and squirt all over Lisa's body and that only > makes her more excited as she tells me to tie her to the bedposts and > makes me spank her and then when her bottom is cherry red she tells me > to retrieve the large battery-operated long thingy in the top drawer > and...^C > ..^C.. > ^C > ***INTERRUPT*** > Sorry, got carried away.  Anyhow, my problem is...hmm...  did I say I > had a problem?  Anyhow, is it worth risking an "F" in a class to work > as a love slave for Lisa, or am I just thinking with my penis again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Up to you...Lisa tends to maltreat her love slaves.  Sure, she promises } them all manner of wonderful experiences of the type you mention, and } sometimes gives them an alleged foretaste of such carnal delights before } they agree to servitude.  But the Oracle knows the truth.  The Oracle } has even used Its Oracular powers to temporarily change Its body and } mind and very essence into exact duplicates of Lisa's, and It knows } exactly what Lisa will do to you once you are in her power.  Trust It, } It's _been_ Lisa (nasty, narrow little sex-obsessed mind, a very tight } squeeze for the Oracular Mind, and an incredibly stupid woman in } general).  In your case, she will find you sorely lacking in talent, and } after your first session with Lisa you will wake up in Lisa's secret } prison camp in Mexico, castrated, forced to eat food laced with huge } doses of female hormones, and subjected to constant brainwashing } convincing you that you want to be a woman.  Then the sex-change } operation and the breast implants and the new face and the courses in } makeup and clothes...look, Lisa's one sick puppy, or the Oracle supposes } that It means "bitch," and you'll regret having anything further to do } with her.  Why do you think that Lisa, with so many men insanely } attracted to her, would single out a geek like you?  Why, for the pure } malicious fun of taking this horrid revenge on you when you don't } measure up to her exacting standards. } } And you're worried about getting an F.  If you give in to Lisa, you'll } be turned into a coed.