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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this guy sitting next to me in the Lite Beer cap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The guy on your left wearing the Lite Beer Cap is a disk jockey for a } local radio station. His wife just left him for an overweight tenor in } the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He's not in a stable state of mind right } now.  If he wants to eat all the peanuts, let him. He's got an UZI in } the dufflebag at his feet, and he's just waiting for someone to tell a } joke about how some scmuck's wife has just left him, or a joke about } fat choir singers, so he can spray lead all around the Bar and go out } in a blaze of glory. } } The guy on your right is an overweight tenor in the Mormon Tabernacle } Choir. Give him your beer and leave.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail, count Oracula. > > Why is it that all vampires are suckers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oh, I am not in the right vein today!" answered the blood cell.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle... > >   What would happen if, in a million years, some > scientists took the blood of a mosquito trapped > in amber that had recently bitten Dan Quayle or > Bill Gates and then restored them to life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They'd put them both on an island somewhere, and open a theme park } around them called "Jackassic Park." } } And, while the geneticists who brought them back will } swear that there's no possible way they could ever mate, the chaos } theory proves itself true once more, and out of nowhere the population } of the island park is flooded with miniature people in spectacles and } bad suits. They take over the geneticists' labs, sit at their } computers, and begin writing bad novels about the effects of computers } on family values, using Windows Write. } } Then, the nukes land. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Standing Firm," in Windows "help file" } format.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle whose knowledge knows no bounds, please tell me, > Why do my friends keep abusing my good nature? > > Your Humble and Ever Grateful Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Excerpted from _Dyinaddicts_, the #1 self-hell bestseller by } L. Wrong Hubbard: } }         Chapter 64: Why Do My Friends Keep Abusing My Good Nature? } }      If you find yourself asking this question over and over, }     you have what is referred to in the industry as malamigosis }     (literally, an inflammation of bad friends). The symptoms }     may vary, but the cause of the problem is always(*) the }     same: Your friends are doing far more drugs than you are. }     They are dying addicts. As they march down the road toward }     the Last High (see Ch. 97: Preparing For The Last High), }     they become more and more needy, and less able to give }     anything in return (see Ch. 66: Giving Less, Taking More). } }      What you need to do is learn to make yourself miserable }     without the help of your friends (see the Forward: History }     Of The Self-Hell Book) -- after all, they will soon be gone. } ********************Message interrupted by Oracle*************** } }        Sorry, wrong book. Try this one: } }  Excerpted from _I'm Okie, You're Okie_: } }        Chapter 17: Win yer friends don't have no common }                    courtesy no more. } }      Have y'ever noticed that, win yer sippin' limmunade (er swill, }     fer all that matters) on yer porch on a sunny day, an' Rex }     (er Flash, er Cujo -- it don' matter -- I'm talkin' 'bout }     yer dawg) is right there at yer feet (just whur any good dawg }     would be, if it has any learnin'), an' you ain't worryin' 'bout }     nuthin (not even squarshin' yer dawg's tail with the rockin' }     chair -- 'cause he's learnt better, by now), but just settin' }     in the chair with no worries, and then here come ol' Chuck }     (er Billy, er Jed -- it don' matter -- I'm talkin' 'bout yer }     neighbor), just a gawkin' at yer tin shed out back, like nobody } **************SENTENCE TIMED OUT BY FOREIGN HOST******************** } }  Oh nevermind, I'll answer it myself: } }   It is because your Bad Nature is much more difficult to abuse. } ------ }  You owe the Oracle a rusted old Pontiac }  with 10 kilos in the trunk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great And Wise On^J^J > ZZ > ZZ > x > q > quit > ^D > ^D > ^D > exit > > shit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please, sir, read the Oracle FAQ. Aborting a mail message to the Usenet } Oracle is achieved by pressing Ctrl-*ZOT*. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of tun^X } ^X } ^X } oops } ^*ZOT*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes oh great one... > I was wondering if Girl Scout Cookies are really made from Girl Scouts. > If so, through what process are Girl Scouts selected as being > worthy of becoming one of these ever so popular cookies? > > I am also interested in the ingredients of an oatmeal raisin girlscout > cookie. > > Thanks so much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     A perceptive question, o my Querent. Actually, what is little known } is that the Girl Scouts are part of the Great Pagan Conspiracy (also } see Captain Planet and the Planeteers) to overthrow White Christian } America and send us all straight to Satan. On the third New Moon in the } month of January, oracle bones taken from a slaughtered Webelos are } cast by each Girl Scout Troop, and the Sacrificial Cookie Virgin is } chosen by this divination. (No, I don't know whether they actually } _have_ to be virgins.) This Sacrificial Cookie Virgin (hereafter known } as SCV) is then spirited away from her family and across the Atlantic } Ocean where, on the darkest night of February, all the SCVs are } gathered at Stonehenge by dark-robed Druidic priests of Set, Pluto, and } other socially unacceptable deities. The priests then take a wild } badger and forcefeed it Night Train, while the SCVs disrobe and lie on } the ground. The badger is then let loose to rampage through Stonehenge. } Any SCVs that the rampaging badger touches are immediately slaughtered } and ground up finely to be added to the cookies. While the unselected } SCVs have no further status, the badger is honored and feted for the } rest of his life on a small country estate in northeastern New York. } After all, everyone's heard of Girl Scout merit badgers. } } You owe the oracle either ten boxes of Thin Mints or a copy of Frazer's } _Golden Bough_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Wonderful Oracle, > Where do Wombats Walk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple and Simpering Supplicant, } Wombats Walk Because They Need to Look Busy. } } Your typical WOMBAT (Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time) knows what he } is and how precarious his position.  You know them...can't think, } can't teach, can't learn, but somehow always manages to be in the } right place at the right time, and usually winds up fairly high on } the pecking order.  The key to WOMBAT surival is simply to find a } group that's going somewhere, then attempt to look as if you lead it. } } Of course, this wouldn't happen if we didn't obscure the truth with } vague or pompous names or titles.  I mean, someone listed in the } corporate directory as "J. Wellington Barske, Executive VP, Division } of Wage and Hour Relational Database Management" sounds important, } but chances are that nobody knows who he is or what he does.  We need } to get back to basics, back to the Middle Ages custom of using your } job title as a surname, to the 'Dances With Wolves' habit of naming } someone for what she does.  Then, and only then, will WOMBATs be easy } to spot: } } 1ST PERSON:   Good morning, Gets-Paid-To-Sit. } 2ND PERSON:   Good morning, Clueless Wonder.  How are things? } 1ST PERSON:   Fine, fine.  Say, have you seen Sucks-Up-To-Others }               today?  He owes me a report on widget production in }               the CIS. } 2ND PERSON:   Oh, he's in talking to Thinks-He's-God.  Ask }               the receptionist, she'll know where it is. } } [1ST PERSON wanders off to talk to Secretly-Does-All-The-Work] } } You owe Knows-Everything your job title.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uncle Orrie, I wanna hear a story! > > I wanna hear a story about bunny-rabbits going > hippety hoppety, hippety hop in the garden! > And eating cauliflower in the garden! And eating > apples from the trees, and stealing chickens! > > Pleeeease, Uncle Orrie, tell me a story about bunny-rabbits!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Story of the Hippety Hoppety Bunny Rabbits }             by the Oracle } } Once upon a time, there were two hippety hoppety bunny rabbits. } They lived in a garden.  All day long long, they went hippety hoppety, } hippety hop in the garden. }   The hippety hoppety bunny rabbits loved to eat cauliflower.  Every } day, they'd eat the cauliflower that grew in the garden.  Then they } would hippety hoppety, hippety hop some more. }   When an apple fell from the giant apple tree, the hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits would hippety hoppety, hippety hop to the fallen apple } and gobble it up.  Yummy! }   Then, one day, the hippety hoppety bunny rabbits went to the chicken } coop to steal some chickens so they could sell them and buy some } marijuana, so they could hippety hoppety, hippety hop like never } before. }   But Arnold Schwarzaneggar the Farmer saw the hippety hoppety bunny } rabbits stealing the chickens, so he went into his arsenal. }   Arnold the Farmer picked up an AK-47 and fired at the hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits.  Bang Bang! went the gun.  The hippety hoppety bunny } rabbits were killed. }   Arnold the Farmer picked up a grenade and threw it at the hippety } hoppety bunny rabbits.  Boom! went the grenade.  The hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits were blown to little pieces. }   Arnold the Farmer picked up a Stinger missile and fired it at the } hippety hoppety bunny rabbits.  Kaboom! went the missile.  The hippety } hoppety bunny rabbits were incinerated. }   Arnold the Farmer picked up an MX and fired it at the hippety hoppety } bunny rabbits.  BOOM! went the MX.  The hippety hoppety bunny rabbits } were turned into energy. } }                  THE END. } } The moral of this story is? } (a) just say no to drugs } (b) thou shalt not steal } (c) there is too much violence in stories } (d) Arnold kicks ass } } The correct answer is (d) } } You owe the Oracle some stew.  What kind?  Hmm...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> which gopher should i use to find information about marathon running?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, oh bluntly non-complimentary and terse supplicant, you have } several choices available. } } THE STUPID CARTOON GOPHERS FROM 'GO GO GOPHERS' } } Yes, those whacko cartoon bucktoothed F-Troop wannabes.  Of course, } they don't actually know anything about marathons.  In fact, they } don't seem to know a damn thing about anything.  But hey, they were } able to demonstrate to the North American public that there COULD be } a worse show than F-Troop. } } THE MUCH MORE WILY GOPHER FROM 'CADDYSHACK' } } Now, you might well wonder what our fairway-dwelling friend knows } about running.  The truth is that he doesn't, but he's a good friend } of Bill Murray, who portrayed someone who knew about running in } another film.  (The gopher, in fact, had a bit part in 'Meatballs,' } in which the running theme held second place only to hooters.)  If } nothing else, he'll be able to tell you how to use plastic explosive } to down your opponents. } } WINSLOW THE MARATHON GOPHER } } Yes, the cute little mascot of the Marathon Oil Megacorporation. } Slogan:  "Our cute animals aren't covered with our oil."  Winslow } will be happy to tell you all about Marathon.... } } FRED GRANDY (aka GOPHER from 'The Loooooove Boooooaaaaaat') } } Fred Grandy, formerly of the Love Boat and now an Iowa Congressional } Dude, ran against Hugely Incumbent and Closely Resembling Saddam } Hussein Governor Terry Branstad.  Fred very nearly defeated Terry in } the primary elections this year, and has promised to run again...and } again...and again.  Talk about marathon running!  He'll be as hard to } stop as that damn bunny. } } You owe the Oracle Nike.  Not the shoes, the goddess.  I admire a } woman who can bench-press me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And what am I to do in Illyria (sp?) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get Wellyia?