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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between Kazakhstan, a bowl of Rice Krispies and > a Ford Probe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Kazakhs haven't paid anyone under the table to get themselves } mentioned in an Oracularity.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have difficulty driving my car - its not that its a complicated > vehicle, I just dont seem to understand it. Can you suggest some ways > to make driving simpler and to improve my understanding my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MAKING DRIVING SIMPLER } ---------------------- } 1) Remember, the "R" on the gear shift does *not* stand for "REAL Fast" } 2) Traffic lights and stop signs should be treated as suggestions. } 3) When talking on your cellular phone, reading the paper, engaging in }    sexual activity, or other distracting behaviors while driving, }    always do so in one of the center lanes. That way, you'll run into }    something movable (i.e., another car) rather than immovable (i.e., a }    Jersey Wall) when you inevitably wander out of your lane. } 4) Under the recently signed UN Treaty in Support of Active Evolution, }    seat belts and child seats will soon be optional throughout the }    world. (There are many other changes dictated by this doucment -- }    e.g. no inspection of bungee jumping equipment, outlawing childproof }    lighters, etc., too detailed to go into here). Behave accordingly. } 5) Don't use turn signals. It wears out the bulbs faster. } 6) To minimize wear and tear on your brakes, slow down by running the }    tires into the curb. } 7) You'll be better off driving a large, old car when it comes to on }    road driving duels, as the other driver will have more to lose. }    The ideal vehicle for this purpose is a 1969 Chevy Impala with at }    least one rusted thru fender and numerous bumper dings. A gun rack }    holding a 20 gauge shotgun, with a sign hanging from it saying "My }    other gun is a HOWITZER" wouldn't hurt, either. } } UNDERSTANDING YOUR CAR } ---------------------- } This is *not* your problem. This is something for the guys down at the } service station to worry about. They don't understand your car, either, } but (in a classic example of Chaos Theory in action which has spurred } remarkably little research) are often able to get it to function } properly anyway. Look for these signs which generally indicate a } mechanic with "the luck o' the random": }   1) Hasn't shaved in at least two but no more than five days }   2) Oval patch on striped shirt with names "Earl" "Gus" or "Jimmy" }      strongly recommended over those with names like "Emile", }      "Booger", or "Basil". }   3) Uniforms which look like they came out of the laundry w/ grease on }      them }   4) Don't let on that they know you're being condescending to them. } } You owe the Oracle a 1966 Ford Galaxy with a Thunderbird engine, just } like Daddy used to have. And a grovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girl friend informed me she is from Transylvania.  Can I safely let > her continue to bite me on the neck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good god man!  What could be more frightening coming from your } girlfriend than "I'm from Transylvania.  Can I bite your neck?"  For } all you bachelors out there, here are a few more key phrases that } should set warning bells off in your head should your girlfriend utter } them: } } - "I LOVE kids!" } } - "Sex is good, but what I *really* like is to cuddle afterwords." } } - In fact, any sentence containing the word "cuddle." } } - "I don't understand why Manson never gets parole." } } - "Either THAT thing goes or I go!" (points at computer) } } - "I have a penis..." } } - "and it's bigger than yours." } } - "I've heard that deodorant is bad for you." } } - "Do you love kids as much as I do?" } } Avoid women who say these things at all costs.  Look for women who say } nice things, or, optionally, nothing at all.  You won't regret it. } } You owe the Oracle a wooden stake.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please Please Please your freatness of all knowingness > Your roundness of all rounds. Knower of all > > Tell me where to get information on contempary music.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naturally, to get information on Contempary Music, I recommend going to } the source: The planet Pava, 18 light years away, where Contempary } Music will be invented in about 65 years, although some scholars say } Contempary didn't really begin until The Converts played at the 2077 } All-Pava Mud Festival. That, of course, was when the lead honfaa } player, Edith Fang, teamed up with vocalist Simon Wolfspit for the } first time to perform "Back on old Earth." } } Some good sources are Aqmest's "Contempary Rhythms," Ho and Bolivar's } "Theory of Contempary Music," and Hofstadter's four-volume set "History } of Contempary Music," especially volume four, "The End, 2083-2087." If } your library can get them, any extant copies of "Contempary Times } Magazine" may be invaluable. Try to find the special August 2074 issue } on Trans-Pavan Contempary styles. } } You owe the Oracle a thesis on Contempary Music. It's due in 2092, by } the end of Spring Term. Your advisor will be Ms. Lisa Honinbo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to make a bomb to distract the bad guys while I enter the shack > they're guarding to free a captive endangered bird.  Unfortunately, I'm > out in the middle of the woods armed only with a pocketknife, styling > mousse, crazy glue, and plutonium.  How can I make a bomb? > > -- Angus MacGyver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take the pocketknife, kill several small (preferably non-endangered) } animals.  Skin these animals, make a one-armed toga with the pelts } using the crazy glue to hold the pelts together. } } Next, again with the pocket knife, cut down a tree (preferably not an } old-growth tree) and carve a "stone-age" looking car out of the trunk. } } Put on the toga, slick down your hair with the styling mouse, and climb } into the car.  Yell "YABBA-DABBA-DO" a lot.  You now have the biggest } bomb of the summer. } } By the way, sell the plutonium, and use the proceeds to advertise your } bomb into the ground. } } ---- } You owe the Oracle 30 clams and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles (part of this } complete breakfast).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eh, lad. These Orackyooolarittities we're seeing now ... weeell, they > joost ain't like the ones we used to have when I were a lass. Eh, when > I were young, you used to get a three-page answer, written in verse, > delivered in milliseconds, and all from a null question ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr A. Supplicant, } 101 Supplicular Drive } SUPP 103423-343. } } Dear Mr Supplicant, } } We of the Oracular Questions Standards Committee (OQSC) have } investigated your question after receiving a complaint from a Mr T. } Oracle, of Indiana. After our own examination of your question we } conclude that several parts of it are deliberately misleading. We } quote: } } "when I were a lass" - The average reader is likely to interpret this } as meaning "a long time ago". In fact it means 'before [your] } sex-change operation last Thursday'. } } "delivered in milliseconds" - We feel that borrowing the definition of } "milliseconds" from the "week" mentioned in Genesis without explanation } is again misleading. } } "three-page answer, written in verse" - This statement is likely to } cause third parties to expect more than a four-line limerick, spattered } in control codes that coincidentally include several form feeds. } } Furthermore, your question completely ignores the changes made in the } Oracular system to ensure all Oracularities are cruelty-free. Fast } turnarounds and lengthy answers to null questions may have been a } feature of the old system, but there was a darker side. You have } conveniently forgotten how computer nerds were chained to } terminals with no chance for exercise, visits to the toilet, and only } one cubic metre of space per nerd. Unlike the present, superficially } similar, situation, this was not voluntary. More cruel still, Steve } Kinzler would be ready with a cattle prod should any of the nerds not } perform at 100%. } } We expect you to YEEOOOWWW!!! publically withdraw or OW!!! correct your } misleading question OUCH!!! within one calendar month, or further } YAH!!!! action will be taken. } } Yours sincerely, } } (squiggle) } } A Penpusher, } Secretary, } Oracular Questions Standards Committee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I quit my job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leaving one's job is always a momentous occasion, from the very first } time you slam that fifty-pound bag of flash-frozen fries to the floor, } screaming at the manager that if he knows so much he can fry his own } damn McFries, to the time when you give your resignation speech at the } dinner held in your honor by the Omnipotent Multinational Corporation. } } The fact that you have asked The Oracle implies you have some anxiety } about making this decision.  Well, We will set your mind at ease; } ponder your situation in the light of the following: } }       - You must be happy with what you do, or at least not unhappy: }       making US$70,000 a year would be fabulous, but not if it was for }       wandering the sewer system in New York City looking for dead }       bodies. } }       - You must be able to support yourself with your wage: getting }       paid US$3 an hour to play video games would be Way Cool, but }       you'd have to survive on Ramen Noodles, which, while }       theoretically possible, has never actually been proven to work }       reliably.  Given a choice, take the stiff-seeker job. } }       - You must be able to take pride in your work: when you attend }       your father's resignation speech at the OMC's dinner party and }       are speaking with your tablemates, part of the introductions will }       include What You Do For A Living (Introduction Guidlines, section }       III).  After the others say things like, "I collect clinical }       trial data for AIDS research", "I work in General Hospital's }       emergency room", "I'm a sanitation engineer - I clear corpses }       from city sewers", you'll feel very silly having to say, "I }       rescue bitmapped Princesses from artificially intelligent }       mushroom dinosaurs" } } If any of these requirements are not met, perhaps you should seek a new } job.  Be careful to secure your new job before quitting your old one. } } If, however, you find your old job is not so bad after all, well, at } least you'll have a better outlook on your life. } } You owe The Oracle a mint copy of the pamphlet "I'm OK, You're OK"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TH > +++ATZ > ATE0Q0V0 > ATI0 > ATM1L1 > ATDT6203119

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} +++ATH

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and benevolent Oracle: > > Do fish stink under water?  I mean, if they do, has anyone thought of > the deodorant market for these little stinkers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh man, do they ever. In fact, piscine deodorant sales account for } 90% of Procter and Gamble's revenues today. } } Unfortunately, the heavy use of aerosol underfin deodorants is having } a disastrous effect on the Hydrogen Peroxide Layer in the upper } hydrosphere. This layer is vital in blocking the Sun's ultraviolet } rays from getting to the ocean floor. } } A single CFC molecule used in aerosol sprays can break up 100,000 } hydrogen peroxide molecules, and it can take a molecule upwards of } 20 years to drift up the four kilometers from the bottom of the ocean. } So even though research into environmentally safer deodorants is } underway, the Hydrogen Peroxide Hole over the North Pole is expected } to continue growing for decades even after aerosols are banned. } } You owe the Oracle some SPF 25 sunblock for his goldfish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to cook a mermaid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can't think of anything better to do with a mermaid, } you need more than an Oracle.