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} Arnold Schwartzenegger (the Oracle _can_ spell) has the magical power
} to make _almost_ any movie a blockbuster. (There are some notable
} exceptions, "Hercules in New York" and "Last Action Hero" come to
} mind...) How Arnie would have punched up "The Lion King:"
}
} Scene: The desert. Simba, dazed by the heat and lack of water, is near
} death. Suddenly, a Humvee pulls up. Arnie steps out, flanked by
} Pumbaa and Timon.
}
} Arnie: "Nice Kitty"
}
} Timon: "Hakuna Matata! Hey, that means no worries, kid, you've just
} been found by the greatest white hunter there ever was!"
}
} Pumbaa: "That's right, Timon! Arnie's one baaad dude, that's for
} sure!"
}
} Arnie puts Simba in the 'Vee and drives off. Back in his jungle
} compound, Timon and Pumbaa teach Simba about the joy of living with a
} guy who not only is the top of the food chain, "he owns it!"
}
} Arnie and Simba (flanked by Timon and Pumbaa) move through the jungle.
} As Arnie performs his daily exercises and workout that keeps him in
} such superb muscle tone, he teaches Simba to be brave and strong.
}
} When Nala crashes their happy bachelor pad with the news that Lord Scar
} and the hyenas have overun the homeland, Arnie says "Vell vhat are ve
} vaitink for?" and breaks into his arsenal.
}
} As they come in sight of Pride Rock, Arnie yells "Let's kick ass!" and
} starts firing a machine gun, as Timon manages the ammo roll. Pumbaa
} fetches grenades for Arnie, while Simba confronts Lord Scar for the
} final showdown.
}
} The really crazy hyena picks up a grenade and runs back to the other
} two. The Whoopi Goldberg hyena (the smart one) smells trouble and gets
} away before her other two friends get blown to bits. She turns to the
} humvee and sticks out her tongue at Arnie, who gutshoots her. As she
} lays dying she says, "Well ain't death a bitch!"
}
} Meanwhile the rest of the hyenas are either dead or run off, and Simba
} is rolling around on the Rock with Scar. As Simba turns away, and Scar
} prepares to blindside him, Arnie shows up and shoots Scar, the force of
} the bullets sending his body twisting and flailing over the cliff.
}
} Cut to the "Happily Ever After": Simba and Nala are perched on Pride
} Rock looking over their domain. In the distance, one sees a track of
} land rovers coming through a gate which reads: "Arnie's Wild Africa."
}
} On second thought, maybe adding Arnold _wasn't_ such a good idea ....
}
} Hakuna Matata, O Supplicant!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Humvee and Lifetime Membership at Gold's Gym.
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